CAPTAIN AMERICA SUCKS ASS PART DEUX!!! really this time

Ok, so I had meant to get into telling why you shouldn't be getting your hopes up or expecting anything at all from the new Cap flik before I got side tracked, so here it goes. And if you're reading thing through an RSS feed, it's just come to my attention that the video's may not be popping up for you. Go to the main page for that, it'd be a shame to miss the shit I put up here.

This is the coolest shot from the entire thing. You can check it out from the official site here: Captain America

I'm a huge fan of the character and was really looking forward to seeing this shit, hence the Thursday night midnight showing, and I left the theater with a bad taste in my mouth rivaling the wine bottle cork in the ass experience I used to give my customers in Vegas, but that's a tale for another time.

It seems that every time I go to see a midnight show there's some kind of major fuck up that ruins the entire thing. I guess running a projector is too difficult a task for some people, or maybe they were sucking dick and playing games up there, which at least would be a good excuse for why my $18 movie had the sound cut out over long stretches 3 god damned times. It's shit like this that makes malls like Atlas park completely tank when the only attraction in the place can't get their shit together. Maybe that's why I hated it so much, maybe it was just the Disney touch, I don't know, but there was definitely some Mickey Mouse bullshit going on.

I guess the effect that they were going for was the cheesy, campy style flik that we got in wonders such as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow  and The Phantom. The problem is that those movies licked the back of my sweaty nutsack too. In defense of the film makers, if you've ever read the original Captain America stuff it's all just as campy, which I guess is what they were going for. The problem is that it nevers works when they try to make movies that way, you end up shelling out good money that you'd have been better off using up in that projection booth or behind some back alley dumpster with a $3 whore. And when all the trailors make it look like a gritty war film... well, this was way off the mark.

Once Cap gets his power the story jumps from one thing to another without any attempt to build a story at all beyond "Hey, we've got to get that cocksucker!" Maybe if they had put it that way, or shown 7 boobs, 3 butts and explosions ala Joe Bob Briggs (now THAT guy is god damned genius Gump!), I'd have been into it more. The CGI was absolutely horrible. It reminded me another shit slop, which was the 2005 King Kong. That mess had entire scenes where it looked to me like shit rolling down hill.

On the bright side though, it wasn't a total loss. The cast was great and did everything that they could with this pile. Hugo Weaving was incredible as the Red Skull, who just looked insane, and Tommy Lee Jones was outstanding. There were also a good amount of funny one liners, and there were times when I got chills down my spine seeing Captain America on screen, reminding me of what it means to be a true leader (Other than my mouth, I'm a fuckin boy scout).

Maybe I'll appreciate this more when it comes out on video, which is what I recommend you wait for to see it, but the 1990 Captain America starring Ned Fuckin Beatty was a better movie. And if you disagree, then maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself and your taste, because you're the fuckin problem, the real reason hollywood won't even attempt to make a good film to save my cancerous left nut! They don't have to cause you're an idiot.

SQUEEL LIKE A PIG FUCKFACE!

Later!