I NEED TO FLY ON THIS ONE!!!

This morning I woke up with an overwhelming urge to look around at myself and scream WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?! So I guess this is as good a point to start this all off as any. For now though, I'll spare you the gorey details and just get into it.

HOW DO YOU REPLACE A LEGEND?

I'm not talking about Derek Jeter here, though I'll come back to that, I'm talking about the fabled "Chinese Kid".

If you know me well, you no doubt have heard countless tales of wonder; his sucking the marrow out of pork bones, chewing bananas across our small table with his mouth wide open, chunks falling out, wearing the same clothes every day and not wiping his ass (you don't want to know how I know...). Well, he's leaving at the end of the week, moving on to graze, and I do mean graze, in greener pastures, hopefully out in the air where no one has to smell him.

But much like that last girl you were fucking, who was such a cunt she gave new meaning to the word, when they move on, how does anyone hope to come in and fill you with that utter sense of worthlessness? Who do you get to stare at and declare "Oh god, this is what my life has become!"?

So here's to all you legends in our lives, the ones whom we remember forever, that never really leave our hearts and minds. I know, one day, when I hear a random sound that makes me want to kill, or catch the rise of some foul stench that twists my guts into dry heaving despair; when I see some bitch so nasty her boyfriend should be legally obliged to drag her through the streets behind a van, I will think of you... and wonder if you're dead yet!

WE ALL SHIT THE SAME WAY....

well, maybe not, but we all have to shit.

I glanced over to my right upon walking out of the port-o-potty and saw The Man leaving his own stall when a really nice looking girl in a white dress darted through the door behind him. He stopped, staring back in wide eyed amazement at the shit house he had just vacated.

"She didn't come out" he said to me as I approached, a hint of real horror in his voice, which was shocking enough. The Man actually seemed to care.

"What the fuck did you do?" I asked. It had to be bad

"I didn't do anything.... but she didn't come out" he reiterated. "Someone took the biggest shit I've ever seen on that toilet seat."

We stood there for at least ten minutes and the girl never did come out.

The next morning I go to take a leak, it was the last day of Superball and no one was cleaning these bathrooms, so you had be selective, and by that I mean keep checking for one someone HADN'T shit all over (there were some interesting designs, one left on the seat looked like a hamburger). Sure enough, I returned to the scene of the previous nights crime, a turd on the toilet... the biggest turd I had ever seen in fact... and it looked just like a loaf of wheat bread.

20 minutes later when I returned to camp, some fool was screaming at the top of his lungs "The humanity, that's the biggest turd I've ever seen" By then it had taken on a life of it's own.

Ever since I heard that fool screaming one thought has been repeating over and over again in my head... no, not how did someone shit out of loaf of bread (I have to believe that they arranged it that way, like a mud pie, carefully constructed with loving care... by hand), there's no way in hell that really nice looking girl didn't sit on that turd. There's no way she didn't walk out of there with someone else's human shit all over her white dress.

So here's the uplifting, inspirational thought of the day... no matter how perfect a person may seem, or how much better someone may think they are than anyone else, we all have to shit, we'll do almost anything, deal with the nastiest conditions to take care of that, and finally.... we all get shit on sometimes....

WELCOME - WHERE PEACOCKS DARE!

So what the hell am I talking about, and what's the point of all of this?

Four years ago, while living in Las Vegas, I came home to find my girlfriend had taken half of our shit and taken off on me. I never really dealt with it, instead putting my head down and getting to work in an effort to keep on keeping on. In that time I've written two books, A Loaded Portrait and VPI The Saga Begins, earned my degree in Social Science with a concentration in education and a minor in psychology, and become a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming practitioner. I spent all my time studying how people learn and why we do the shit that we do, to ourselves and each other.

While I've accomplished some amazing things in that time (without the financial success, unfortunately, so click the damn adds on the page so I can get paid) I also nearly lost myself completely in the process as well. As someone I recently knew biblically had told, me just before cutting me off, "You had better start living or I'll beat you!" And now I'm trying to do just that.

But if the business of writers is to write... then I had better get at that also. SO... here we are together. I have no idea of what's out there anymore, and I'm going to be taking you with me as I find it. Whatever I'm doing, whatever I'm thinking about, whatever I think is cool (or sucks hairy moose balls) I'm going to let you know about it in the way that only I can. And any suggestions you may have are more than welcome. So follow me... WHERE PEACOCKS DARE!

"I'M A COME PEACOCK CAPTAIN, YOU GOTTA LET ME FLY ON THIS ONE!"

SUPERBALL

I've already mentioned Superball, the three day festival with Phish in Watkins Glenn, NY over the forth of July weekend. I had the pleasure of spending said weekend camping out with two of my best friends in the world and thirty thousand hippies in all their saucy glory. If you don't know Phish do yourself a favor and check them out. I know maybe five songs, yet have seen them eight times and now gone to a festival. Great music and a crowd that reminds me of the parties at Oklahoma State (before I got tossed) is always a recipe for a good time, and this weekend was no exception. Bacon cooking across the grill accentuated the sights of young girls in bikinis showering themselves in the hand faucets right in front of our camp site. They were probably the only ones that showered. Thank god for the smell of bacon fat.

A forty year old man screams out "Wonder Woman? That's my childhood fantasy!" as the crowd is pushing it's way towards the show one afternoon. There's someone sitting on the side of the path dressed as Wonder Woman. "OH, that was bad!" the man quickly blurts before putting his head down, briskly walking away. Wonder Woman was sitting there with her father; she couldn't have been more than twelve years old.- SUPERBALL!

We decided to get away from the masses a little bit that afternoon, and it took us some time to realize that we were in the family section doing the exact sort of thing, for hours at that point, that all the little kids playing ball around us had no doubt been told many times to stay away from. You'll learn I'm such a positive role model. I couldn't have been happier for it, as I was privy to the most romantic moment of the weekend. A man with his wife and kids turned to his beloved, telling her sweetly, "There's nothing I'd rather do, on my birthday, than make YOU happy.... do me a favor... SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Now THAT's love!- SUPERBALL!

Some jackass parades around with a TV on his head covered in protest signs and nonsense when the call of a profit rings out to him through the night air... "Eat shit and die, FREAK!"- SUPERBALL!

It was a four day bender that hasn't stopped yet... and a good time for all, though most of the details still remain a blur... just ask me about my brownies! 

And that is how peacocks take flight... completely fucked up!

RATS!

A few weeks ago I arranged a secret meeting with an absolutely beautiful woman. We met late at night, just the two of us in a random, unsdisclosed parking lot in Long Island, where this stunner was more than happy, ecstatic even, to give me her.... RATS! Only I would have something like that happen. It was an event as random and strange as that parking lot, the girl, who is making strides as an actress and model and goes by the name Lauren Francesca was making a spoof video involving her furry friends had to do something with them afterwards Being a major animal lover (and as misunderstood as rats are) it was an easy match; I had to take them.

For years I've used the name "Milo Hanginbawlsak", you may have even seen it come up, so when she told me "the big one's name is Milo... you can tell it's him from his huge nuts" you can imagine how I've been laughing my huge nuts off ever since. 

So I did some research the next day because of how very odd the whole incident was and it turns out that in nearly every ancient culture, Rats are a sign of good luck, prosperity, and the removal of obstacles. And ever since things have been coming together.

The signs are always there... you just have to be willing to see them.

YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT...

I caught Emily Forst for the first time playing at The Bitter End in the Village the other night and I have to say I'm better for it. She really kicked ass during that set, and she's just as good as any female artist I've heard lately, so if she keeps doing her thing she'll be on her way and you should definitely check her out. Emily did a version of "hallelujah" that's been stuck in my head ever since, in a good way, and an original of her own that she had played just before hand hit me exactly right. Beyond that, I hadn't been in The Bitter End in years and had forgotten how very cool a place it really is. Every time I tried to leave the next artist made me sit back down, grab another beer, chill and enjoy the music. For a $5 cover you can't beat it.

Want to laugh your ass off? Make sure to give a listen to TMCtheShow. These are some VERY funny fuckers right here, and they're more outrageous than any of the bullshit you've been wasting your time with lately. The site looks good too.

TAKE A LOOK AROUND THIS PAGE!

There are a bunch of things around like links, popluar YouTube Videos, a picture slideshow and a poll. We have some feeds at the bottom of the page too. Check back often and let me know what's up. I'll be doing this every other week or so for now.

You have something going on you want me to talk about, tell me about it.

I never did get back to Derek Jeter, did I? Fuck it, next time.

Click the ads, I need the money damn it.

Eat shit and die, FREAK!

Later!

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