2011 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s that time of year again… time to hand out the world’s most prestigious awards. Forget the Academy Awards, the Nobel Prize, the Medal of Honor, all those other cheap trinkets out there… tonight, we celebrate the past 12 months with…

The 2011 $tevies

So as you know, about five years ago, I stumbled upon this stupid questionnaire back when MySpace was relevant & have been doing it ever since… but it’s a good little template for self-reflection… and reflection on the year that was 2011. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve also added links so that you can go “back into time” and witness some of these events if you would like. No need to thank me, just pay it forward. Aside from that though, I’m being extremely lazy this year… and I’m not even going to present my own awards. That’s right, I run this b**ch… and I’ve decided to ask some of my friends to help me out. More like tell them that they’re going to help with absolutely no explicit written or implied verbal consent of using their likenesses or caricatures. Allow me to introduce & turn the festivities over to our host for the evening… Mr. Adam West…

“Good evening. I’m… not exactly sure why I’m here. (laughter from the crowd) No, I’m serious. I have no idea who this $teve guy is. We met at a convention a few months back allegedly, he gave me a call & asked me to host an awards show. He went on & on about how he loved my work with the old Batman TV series & Family Guy… but is this a TV awards show or something? And why am I dressed up in this outfit? Doesn’t he realize that was nearly a half century ago? Get with the times, man. Anyway, apparently all of the presenters know why they’re here… and apparently I almost lost this gig to Robocop… so without further ado, ladies & gentlemen, allow to introduce our first presenter… Miss Megan Fox… grrrrrrrrrrrrrr…”

DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: “I know that you’re probably expecting Lindsay Lohan to present this award… but she’s no longer on speaking terms with $teve. So instead, I will be stepping in to present… as whenever Brian & I need suggestions on how to keep the spice alive in our relationship, Dr Love is always willing to prescribe. This year’s award offers some stiff competition. I mean stiffer than I made most of the planet when I checked under the hood in Transformers but completely misdiagnose the type of engine that I was looking at. Seriously, if you weren’t staring at my tits & waist, you would’ve caught that… but our script supervisor didn’t. Did we even have one of those on that movie? Anyway, this year’s nominees for drinking buddy of the year are… the 4-time reigning champion & Vegas odds favorite Bubbles for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Brunches, & Random Rendezvouses (hold for applause during scenes of bottomless mimosas); Jackie D for her roles in EPIC Jew Night, Six Weeks of Cohabitation, LA Road Trip, Shots Across America & Vegas Birthday Bash (role scenes of Jackie D beating the beat up to roaring ovations); and The Wingman of his roles in Vegas Winter Getaway & Mayan Riviera Cruise (clanks clamor from the audience as wrist bling strikes raised chalices to a flurry of “Woot WOOT!!!”). All worthy nominees indeed… but as the Scottish poet Duncan McLeod once said, ‘There can only be one’ and that one is… (turns around to shake her bottom with the accompanying drum roll, continuing as she slowly turns around to read the card) come on, you knew as soon as I stepped out here that it was going to be Bubbles! Congratulations!”

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Now for our next presenter… Mr. Timothy Tebow. “Good evening ladies & gentlemen, thank you for having me here. It is such a great honor to be here presenting awards for my good friend $teve. I know our own friendship has been tested over the years when I decided to play for the Florida Gators & then drafted by the Denver Donkeys, but it’s not about where you are, but who you are… and $teve & I have always believed that, though our travels have taken us all over the world & back again. The Lifetime Service Award is a particularly distinct honor to present because of those principles… and my own lifetime service to my best friend, my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. We all may take ridicule for the friends that we keep, whether it’s from parents, other friends, TV critics, bosses, and maybe even your own self-doubts. What’s important is that there’s the underlying Love that helps you through the tough times… and keeps your bond strong… and that as you walk through life, you know that they will be there for you in your time of need… as you will do whatever it takes for them. It is with that in mind that I present to this award to Isaiah, $teve’s friend since the 2nd grade… and 49ers fan who is pleased as punch that his friend lives in San Francisco so that he can get some good tickets for when the Broncos come into town to come from behind in the 4th quarter & eek out a victory in overtime as is God’s will. Congratulations Isaiah! Thank you and praise Christ!” SPREECH!!! (Fun fact: “Spreech” is a word popularized during the Vegas trip last month that is a combination of “Speak!” and “Preach!” with a dose of “Amen!” to form into a super exclamatory “SPREECH!!!”)

NEWCOMER AWARD: To present this award, please welcome Mr. Don Knotts. “Why hello there everybody! It’s been a long time since I was in front of a crowd like this. Some say it’s because I haven’t had a hit show since I was Mr Furley on Three’s Company. Others say it’s because my expert comic timing is lost on today’s youth & all they want are dick & fart jokes. Still others say its because I’ve been literally dead for over five years now. Regardless, this next award isn’t about me… or $teve’s love for my whackadoo films… but rather who has recently come into his life for the prestigious Newcomer Award. Why would he ask me to do this? Probably because a lot of the nominees are ladies that he’s lived with over the past year… and it’s apparently too soon to have John Ritter’s ghost out here. Without further ado, the nominees are… his stunning current & former roommates Jackie D, Carmen, Nurse, Pixie & Batgirl (her name changed cuz I forgot what it was before)… and just to include a gentleman… his neighbor J-Mo. And the award goes to… Jackie D!!! What’s that? She’s joining us via satellite? What does that even MEAN? Whooooa… this new technology is crazy. I’m going back to Heaven with Suzanne Sommers’ career…”

“WHAAT??? DUDE! I was gonna be all hurt that you didn’t give me that drinking buddy award… because seriously? Come on. But that was before I knew this one was coming up! Thanks homey! MAKEIT MAKEIT RAIN RAIN… it was great being your roommate & I’m glad we can still chat and whatever even though I’m living in Philly… having to go to the Jersey Shore to have fun. WHAT? That sh*t cra… but I’m looking forward to future adventures & road trips & the like. I gotta get my passport so that we can hit up Amsterdam! Also, I’ve apparently gotta step my Game up so that I can get the drinking buddy thing next year. Make it LE-GIT!!! And if I don’t get it… then you can kiss my a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$ STOP!!! Now make that mutha f**ka Hammertime!!! OOH OOOOOH OOH OOOOOH!!!”

SONG FOR 2011: Thank you for those stirring words, Miss D… and now, ladies & gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the true king of hip hop, Mr. Jay-Z. “Big ups to Brooklyn, what? Haha! You crazy for this one, $teve. Asking me to come on up here & present because you’re tired of giving me all these awards. Every time I drop an album it always makes its way here… but you’re trying to show some Love for other artists out there… and I feel that. WATCH THE THRONE!!! That’s why I put my hand to my heart… it means that I feel ya… cuz Game recognize Game & you lookin’ familiar. This year’s award goes to Foster the People for their song “Pumped Up Kicks” which talks about serious issues of teenage angst in such a way that you can’t even understand the verse because it’s so scratchy & sang into a coffee can… but then the hook comes around & you don’t even realize what you’re singing until it’s too late. You gotta love it. It’s a thuggish ride-or-die song hidden behind a catchy cheery backdrop. I been singing about these foolish children out in the streets needing to recognize my heat for years… but you don’t see politicians trying to bring down these popsters, now do ya? That sh*t cra… Congratulations to all of our winners, afterparty at 40-40 the Sinner’s Dinner, and to all you haters out there trying to play with Jigga, you only get half a bar – F**k yall n**gas!!!” (drops mic & walks away)

MOVIE FOR 2011: H’whoa! That sh*t was tight, Jigga man! Haha! That reminds me of when I was answering the Riddler to help save Gotham from a giant question mark falling from space. I’m still not sure how he was able to do that but… there’s a lot I don’t understand about movies… but to help us is our next presenter, Mr. Quentin Tarantino. “Ok’y ok’y ok’y, so my buddy $teve & I are hanging out watching movies one day… and he asks me to do this presenting thing about what HE thought… was the best movie of 2011. True true, I didn’t have anything to throw into the mix this year because… well, you know how us geniuses are, he said with all humility. Next year though, I’m gonna rob these f**king awards shows BLIND with Django… but I digress, I’m switching to the next reel when I haven’t even start this one. Frankly I just going to say it. I didn’t care for this year’s batch as much as years past… but there’s an added element because I’m basically going off what my man $teve has seen. See, he waits for the Netflix unless it’s an absolute must see for him or usually somebody else who wants to go with somebody. He hasn’t seen these highly toughted movies like Drive or Hugo or a lot of these f**king sequels like Harry Potter or X-Men because… well, he just hasn’t. He hasn’t even seen the Muppets and he LOVES those guys. He was really excited for the Planet of the Apes one too… but yeah, hasn’t seen a lot of them… but Drive sounded like his kinda sh*t being named after Steve McQueen & all... but it ended up being pretty slow. However, this year’s winner… is ‘The Fighter’ starring Marky Mark & Christian Bale about the true life story of Micky Ward & his brother… as well as the bond of family, and an underdog story in every sense of the term. I know he couldn’t stand those Boston accents though. Probably drove him up the wall. Next year’s gonna be tough though, $teve! You’re going to have to pick between my movie… and Batman. There can only be one of us… and we usually sweep these things… I hope you’re up to making a tough choice. I mean hell… this year’s winner had Batman in it. You may have a problem… but I understand since you haven’t seen a lot of ‘em yet. Just remember, I have Sam Jackson on speed dial.”

VIDEO GAME FOR 2011: Thank you Quentin, but Mr. Jackson is actually our next presenter. Welcome to the show! “(struts to the stage) Good evening ladies & gentlemen. This evening we have heard from distinguished members of society, stars & stage & screen… and the ghost of Barney Fife. So it is with great honor that I present the winner for… seriously, what the f**k is this? Does anybody really give a damn what you thought was the best video game of the last 12 months? Or EVER? F**K YO MUTHA F**KIN’ VIDEO GAMES!!! You think Life is a game? Tell ‘em Earl Simmons…”

“It is NOT a F**KING GAME!!! ARR ARR!!!”

TV SHOW FOR 2011: I honestly couldn’t have said it better myself. Ladies & gentlemen, television star Peter Dinklage. “Good evening again, ladies & gentlemen. I’m here on behalf of the HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’ to take this award back to the studios. Not because we’ve necessarily won it… but because I’m just going to f**king take it… and there’s not a damn thing that any of the other shows can do to stop me. I don’t see the gang from Sunny in Philadelphia coming to take it from me! Nor the cowardly serial killers from Showtime or any of those comedians with their own shows. I WISH that Whitney would show her face around here. I would smack the smug right off her face. Nobody watches your show. No matter how much they try to jam it into our eyeballs. The mere glimpse of you makes my bowels wretch with disgust. So I am taking this trophy back to my estate… and yes, on my little horse… and if you have any problem with that, then you can take it up with my friend Khal Drogo, whose basically what Conan the Barbarian should have been. Ta-ta…”

HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Oh-ho! Well, there you have it! Now to present our next award, movie star Mike Myers. “(Silence, with the exception of a faint background chiming of infamous horror music)” Well, it seems that Mr. Myers has a little bit of stage fright. I thought that we were getting the guy from Austin Powers but… oh well, would you mind if I were to present this award? “(Silence)” Thank you! This year’s costume goes to… Waldo!!! Thankfully also a man of few words...

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Next, please welcome to the stage, Ms. Jenna Jameson. “Hi everybody, I have no idea why I’m up here to present the award for Restaurant of the Year… but I’ll bet it’s because I have a buffet of goodies… and this year’s winner is… Wicked Spoon Buffet at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas. I’ve eaten there during the Adult Expo. Great selection… and the food isn’t bad either. Two cocks up! WAY up! And besides… who doesn’t like a little naughty spoon action when they’ve been a bad girl?”

BOOK OF THE YEAR: Giggidy! (clear throat) Thank you Ms. Jameson. Next up, we have the actual author of Pimpology: The 48 Laws of the Game, Mr. Pimpin’ Ken!!! “Good even’n pimps & b**ches. I’m glad that my words could reach such a rising young playa like Dr Love. You see… the Game is to be sold, not told… and I wanna give a special shout-out to The Wingman for purchasing these nuggets of knowledge for my man to not only read, but take to heart. Now, some y’all haters out there talkin’ sh*t like… Why come I can’t write a book? That n**ga Ken don’t know what he rappin’ about. That boy soft on his b**ches. Well let me tell you somethin’ mutha f**ka! This is how Pimpin’ Ken roll… mo’ b**ches than a train & I makeit makeit rain rain… (throws handfuls of Benjamins into the crowd) Skee skee skee mutha f**kas!!! Buy the book!!!”

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: Thank you… and now our last presenters, the former star of Crossing Over / alleged psychic John Edwards & star of Ghost Adventures, paranormal investigator Zach Bagans. “Good evening!” “Good evening!” “Zach, I saw this coming… you know, that we’d be on stage tonight… but I was hoping that you could fill the rest of us in on what award we were presenting.” “Well John, I’m not sure why… but luckily I have my buddies here with cameras to find out… oh and there’s a letter here on the podium. Let’s see. T-t-t t-heee… t-heee… what’s this word?” “The.” “Really? Weird.” “Here, I’ve got it… the award for biggest do… douchebag? For the last time, I’m not a douche!!! I can talk to dead people, okay? F**k you guys!” “Ah, that sucks! You got the douchebag award?” “Hahaha, you got it too!” “What? Why?” “I don’t know… let’s read the teleprompter. You wanna take this one?” “Yeah but… you go first. I gotta… check my batteries in my digital recorder.” “Alright then, John Edwards is just a douche because he uses the methods of hot & cold reading to convince people that he can talk to dead people & makes money from it. Though you can’t hate him for trying to make a dollar, he’s still a douche to the nth degree. Oh come on!” “What does it say about me?” “Zach Bagans hosts a decent show with a decent idea of searching for scientific evidence of spirits & contact with the ‘other side’ but unfortunately… the host is a total douche & its difficult to watch the show and listen to him speak… constantly & stupidly… and still thinks he’s hot sh*t in a champagne glass when he’s cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup. Yeesh!” “Oh man, that’s cold. I’m getting hairs standing on the back of my neck.” “Wait, there’s more… Great show though sometimes you have to REALLY try to fill the full hour… all I’m saying is let somebody else talk who knows what they’re talking about or at least kind of funny. Congratulations, Zach!” “Congratulations, John.”

Congratulations, douches! Now we’ve reached the point of the show where we welcome out to the stage, the guest of honor… for a little reflection on this past year… and looking forward to 2012. Ladies & gentlemen, please welcome… the Man… the Myth… the Manotaur… Dr Mookie Love… aka $teve!!! (Roaring applause, fireworks, panties flock to the stage)

“Thank you! Thank you so much for coming out! Can I get a woot woot for our fantastic presenters? (Hold for applause) They were great. They truly went above & beyond what I paid them… which is in the mail. Well, thank you all for yet another great year. 2011 was a monumental year, I think for all of us. We saw major changes & power shifts in the Middle East, the passings of some of international douches from Bin Ladin to Gadhafi… and everybody’s favorite little dictator Kim Jong Il. We’ve lost good friends, made new ones, highs & lows all around, new experiences, both good & bad, and so I figured that I would just take over a few of these awards because… seriously, who else is going to answer some of these? For example…”

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Hmm… let’s see, who was my best romantic relationship with this year? Yeah… obviously not a whole lot to talk and/or brag about on this one… so your mom works. It was definitely the best for her.

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Well, on official Valentine’s Day, I watched “Mortal Kombat” with Jackie D & had a few beers… but the weekend before was EPIC Jew Night with Jackie D, Carmen & Bubbles as well as a bunch of drinks at the Tipsy Pig & the Cellar. Not a bad time at all… a lot better than the previous year when I almost had to beat down some disrespectful teenagers in Old Sac. I’d much rather be getting crunk with a bunch of sexy ladies.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: Moving to San Francisco! You may have noticed… but I really like it here. Granted, I liked it in Tahoe too… except for maybe the abundance of snow (which I apparently wouldn’t be burdened with right now) but there’s just so much to see & do here… and so many fantastic people that I meet… and I’m actually able to make a little money to save or use on vacations… and I still have the perks of living in a national park… with great roommates… and a great job… and I’m close to one of my best friends Bubbles… and honestly I could probably do without Gretchen… but I’m glad that she’s around… and there’s so many festivals, concerts, museums, sporting events, basketball leagues, softball leagues, different neighborhoods to explore, great restaurants, the ocean, and places like Tahoe, Monterey, Yosemite, Big Sur, Reno, Half Moon Bay, San Jose, even Oakland… they’re all nearby to be explored still too.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: For 2012, I’m planning on getting out there more & meeting new people… and for God’s sake maybe go on a date or two. Seriously, it dawned on me just now… that I haven’t really been on a date since Tahoe. Well… you can kind of count my roommate Nurse going to dinner with me on my 30th birthday… or her date that I was on when we went to Sharktoberfest… but yeah, nothing really of an even semi-romantic intent in nature for quite some time. Why? Ladies love me… and I love the ladies. So that’s at the top of the list. I’ll elaborate a little more on this with the Resolutions…

STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Okay, so upon further review… on St Patrick’s Day, I apparently DID spill a pint of ale all over Bubbles. This was confirmed by J-Mo… and that guy was dead sober the whole time. What was the idea associated with it? Well, apparently A) it was my idea to have one more round before we left the Final Final, and then B) it was my idea to hand my beverage to Bubbles… or set it down next to her or something… I don’t know, apparently I was already halfway to the bar to get the round… and that’s when we all left. Yeah… blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol, baby.

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: Well once again, I guess it would have to be the zip code. What is this the 3rd or 4th year in a row? First Denver, then back to SLC, then Tahoe, then to here… but hopefully I can stick around here in the Bay for a while. Like I said before, I like it here. Let’s see, what else has changed… the altitude, the humidity, the roommates, the weather, the smell of eucalyptus as opposed to pine, the lack of parking, all relatively small but make up for this new land of adventure.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: I’d have to say that the high point of the year was my 30th birthday getaway last April / May. Two weeks away from work (that I’m still feeling the unworthy brunt of from fellow coworkers, but f**k ‘em in the ear) and spending it with loved ones like my mom, grandmama, stepdad, the Wingmans & Filly… in some of my most loved places like New Orleans and… a boat that takes me around the world. Beautiful sights, fantastic beverages (seriously, cashew wine, where do I get this stuff?), amazing adventures, good times all around. There’s a rumor going around that the next trip may be either a South American cruise down towards the Panama Canal… or jetsetting over to Amsterdam… but we shall see. Easily the high point of 2011!!!

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: Coming back to work / reality afterwards? Ha-ha! Thankfully there wasn’t a whole lot of low points this past year. My great-step-grandma passed recently… and that sucked… but she was well into her 90’s and had been suffering from Alzheimer’s & other ailments for years… so the real sad part was that my great-step-grandpa was a widower & I’m sure it’s been rough on him. Family & friends have had their health scares… let go from their jobs & finding employment elsewhere… and the worst I can think of off-hand is the thing on my cheek, which was nothing. All-in-all, not a bad year if that’s the worst of it.

BEST HOLIDAY: What can I say? This man loves Christmas. A month of Mariah Carey & Bing Crosby on the radio, Jimmy Stewart & Bill Murray on the TV, people smiling everywhere you go, shimmering lights, parties for really no reason other than to party, a week away from work to go home & see the family, a bunch of free sh*t that you’ll rarely use, what more could you ask for? The details of this year’s adventures are broken down here… but yeah, I heart Xmas.

REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS:

• Date Dammit! – I’ve got all this good lovin’ to give & nobody seems to want it… how could this be? My guess: Poor marketing on my part


• Learn Another Language – Spanish or Mandarin? Maybe both, but I’ve almost got enough saved up to finally get a laptop that’ll actually work so that I can do Rosetta Stone
  


• Up Mountain Dew – I’ve tried regulating it… but the answer may just be cold turkey, old friend. Gonna give up soda all together but obviously Dew & grape soda are the biggest culprits.


• Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I’ve been doing a lot better since getting the gym membership & joining the basketball and softball leagues, now if I could just eat better…


• Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though you’ve probably forgotten about me


• Use My Passport – Sorta used it on the cruise… but this b**ch needs stamps


• Write a Children’s Book – I think it’s time that I took a weekend, sat down, & really focused my efforts on making that children’s book with my brother that I’ve been thinking about for years. Also, maybe a few writing exercises so hopefully I can get some of that JK Rowlings / Stephanie Meyers money. Fellow great $teve, Stephen King would approve!


• Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – Work bugs me from time to time, parking tickets ruin my weekend, sport league lockouts make my blood boil… but you know what, I’m gonna be alright. Just live well & do your thing, dawg.


• Look for the Next Step – I like to think that I’ve been doing that… but in all honesty, it seems like I’ve just been going day by day… especially this last year. Too busy to look ahead most of the time. However, I’m 30 now. I need to really think about the future & making that next step into an actual career instead of hourly daily labor. Or find ways to get that mutha f**kin’ money… can you dig it?


• Survive the Apocalypse – Though San Francisco seems to be the epicenter of every disaster in movies from X-Men to Rise of the Planet of the Apes to Towering Inferno to The Birds to Mission: Impossible to whatever, I plan on surviving Mad Max style. Be prepared!
  

Anyway, it’s been another great year… thank you all for joining today’s ceremonies… and I wish you a happy & healthy 2012 and beyond. Have a great year everybody!!!