Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Of course I’ve been super busy the past few weeks, months, years… but that’s no excuse for not sharing the awesomeness of my life with you… or at least amusing stories from time to time. Remember when I had great crazy ass dreams to share, provocative ideas, panda updates, movie reviews, news tidbits explained as if I was a writer for the Great Stephen Colbert? Yeah… me too. But my ranting is just too imposing for tweets or quick updates… and that’s frankly all I have time for most of the time. Regardless, here’s what’s been going on with me lately.

Last weekend was Dizzy’s birthday… and as if the week leading up to it wasn’t enough (trips to Monterey & Wine Country, magnificent meals, bacon beer, etc), apparently I still had to treat her like a princess. Okay… so I wasn’t “required” to… and yeah, she frankly said that I had done more than enough to impress her already… but still, you remember what she did for me on my birthday, right? Santa Cruz? The Boardwalk? Seacliff Beach? Capitola? Fish & chips? Dippin’ Dots? F**king WHALES? John Wayne-ghes Khan? She even made an arrangement of caricature & cheeses for my dinner. Yeah, she deserved something special… and I’m not going to go into a whole lot of details but it did involve jewelry & a lot of time together.

Fun fact: Her original plans were to go to Chuck E Cheese for her birthday… exactly like somebody else you may know who celebrated their 27^th birthday at the home of Charles Edward Cheese. However, when that was becoming too stressful though, the roommate Batgirl & I offered our apartment for a little get-together, I went out for pizza & we basically hung out & watched trashy TV together, including My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and… this movie review…

“Jersey Shore Shark Attack” – God bless the Syfy Channel! From the makers of “Dino Croc vs. Supergator”, “Sharktopus”, and a dense library of other completely unwatchable TV movies… comes this combination of… you’ll never guess… The Jersey Shore… and Sharks Attacking. I have no idea what the story was because… why? Guidos on the shore, doing what they do (allegedly), GTL lifestyle, beatin’ the beat up, drama between the lead couple, I think one of their dads was a police chief, WHAM!!! Joey Fatone gets snacked up by a mutha f**king shark Samuel L Jackson in the Deep Blue Sea style… and just when he was about to start blessing them with his angelic voice. I guess there’s not going to be an N*Sync reunion concert less it’s in the belly of a shark. I can see it now, the Pinnochio Tour. Anyway, yeah… crudely animated sharks eat horrible actors… dialogue written courageously by MTV viewers is spoken… and yeah, you occasionally ask yourself why you’re still watching it… but it’s good fodder for the background conversations that’re going on anyway. “Who’s going to be the first guido eaten?” “I’ve got five bucks on the chick in pink!” “Why do you say that?” “Look how far she is away from the rest of them… you can’t have too many moving people in these low tech animations so it’ll make a more ‘realistic’ shot… besides, why else would she be that far away? Is she looking to cop a squat?” Yes, I’m classy. Spoiler alert: They live! Now you don’t have to watch it at all. You’re welcome! Coming next week… “Piranhaconda”!!!

Speaking of pretty bad movies, I watched “A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas” starring John Cho, Kal Penn and the great NPH briefly. Harold & Kumar are buddies… and in the first two movies of the trilogy they go out and have a zany bunch of adventures while under the influence of drug paraphernalia ending in learned life lessons & happy endings for all. In this third installment, they’ve grown apart a bit… as Harold & his wife are looking to raise a traditional family… and Kumar quit trying to be a doctor & just wants to get high. Well, their paths cross, a tree is destroyed on Christmas Eve, and now they have to find an identical 12-foot fir before anybody notices… or else Harold father-in-law (Machete himself, Danny Trejo) will decapitate both of his heads in ascending order. Along the way, hijinx ensue… but honestly, I fell asleep watching this movie the first time… and the second time wasn’t much better. Stupid characters in stupid situations can be funny… but usually there has to something there… like you want them to come out on top. I frankly didn’t care because… well, it was a burnt Christmas tree. Also, I know it was made for the whole 3D experience… and unless it’s Avatar or something, I just don’t see the point. When you’re watching it in 2D, it’s just slowed down & predictably lame for the setup of the 3D… and nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to watch the show anyway. Who is that amusing? That being said… I’m glad that the two friends were able to work out their differences & continue their growth. What? Oh, did I REALLY have to say spoiler alert before that? Really? It’s a Christmas movie! Did you really expect there to be a bad ending?

That’s it… just to be “that guy” I’m going to have to make a Christmas movie with a sh*tty ending. I’ll even give it a quirky title like “Bob’s Bodacious Christmas” and get some bitter former Pixar employees to animate it… Here’s a quick setup: Bob didn’t get his Christmas bonus (again), and it has the potential to ruin Christmas for his family of five. Of course he doesn’t have any savings. He’s from this generation where the vast majority of the middle class barely make enough to get by. Heck, he’s even in debt to Dollar Loan Center to make last month’s mortgage & car payment (used 2003 Taurus that’s barely holding together). So in a last ditch effort to get some quick cash, in the weeks leading up to the big day he decides to do a little fund raising. I’m not sure exactly how… but in the Harold & Kumar tradition… I think he’ll try to sell a little weed on the side. Wait, the profit margins are too small. Let’s go Breaking Bad & he’s making it a white crystal Christmas for some lucky people out there using his chemistry savvy. He’s raised just about enough to get that PS3 package that’s on sale with the new Assassin’s Creed 3 game, some of those ugly ass Bratz dolls that his daughter wants, even a little faux sapphire jewelry for the wifey that he saw on TV the other night that he’s paying four easy installments on… Spoiler alert: He gets busted with just enough for intent to distribute charges & gets resisting arrest and assault of a police officer when the undercover accidentally shoots himself with pepper spray, the public defender (he can’t afford a real lawyer) tells him to take a plea, of course the bank quickly forecloses on his house, the presents, car & everything else are repossessed, his family has until New Year’s to move all of their remaining stuff (thankfully not much) into his mother’s basement upstate… but she’s having health issues that medicare isn’t covering so she’s in similar financial states as well… but I’ll save that for the sequel. What? Oh you think he should sell some cookies or wood carvings that he fashioned in his garage? He doesn’t have a garage… and time is short. It’s either that or knock off a liquor store or rob a bank of something. Hell, I think it’d be at least nominated for an Academy Award. Or maybe an MTV Movie Award. “And the nominees for this year’s Grittiest Animated Movie Involving Drug Use are…” Anyway, what’s my point? Oh yeah… Merry Christmas! Let’s try not to be materialistic, okay? Remember who you’re working for & let them know that you love them very much.

A few nights ago, I also watched “Chronicle” which is another one of those “found footage” movies like Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, Quarantine, etc. but now… it’s basically a superhero movie take on it. I will admit that the format is an interesting way of telling the story… but usually what happens is you REALLY start to draw too much attention to the stupid stuff that the camera guy is yelling or saying or expositioning. For example, the guy from Cloverfield, you’ve seen it… and you wanted him to die just so he would shut up, right? Anyway, sometimes it’s not so bad. In this movie, three teenagers (the awkward loner, his cousin & the cool black kid) stumble upon some meteorite or something… and they soon learn that they have these new telekinetic powers… and they’re getting stronger. Well, long story short, the awkward loner with an abusive father doesn’t use great responsibility with his new powers… and conflict ensues. The movie was actually pretty well done for the format… and I enjoyed it. Some parts were obviously really predictable, but what are you gonna do? I highly recommend it for a change of pace movie.

Next up is a sequel that I’ve been really excited about for a while called “Johnny English Reborn” starring Rowan Atkinson, Rosamund Pike, Dominic West & Scully herself, Ms. Gillian Anderson with an English accent in a parody of the great James Bond film series. For those who didn’t see the classic original, Johnny English (Atkinson) is a bumbling secret agent for MI7 who saved the world from an evil French John Malkovich who wanted to turn the island of Britain into the world’s largest prison (actually not a horrible idea). Anyway, the sequel takes place five years later when after a mission gone bad in Mozambique, English is at a Tibetan monastery learning to find inner peace… when Country comes calling again needing his assistance. The Chinese premier is the target of a deadly group of assassins… and there’s only one man who can save the world from war… but instead Johnny English is given the duty. The movie is actually quite hilarious in the whole Bean meets Bond angle and the plays on the clichés of the genre. For example, I LOVED the chase scene where the assassin is getting away by doing a lot of parkour and dangerous maneuvers… while English uses his “experience” to just take the stairs… or use the door… or squeeze by a gate. Anyway, I highly recommend checking this movie out… and Rowan Atkinson is basically a comedic genius. And if you don’t know, now you know.

Anyway, that’ll do it for me today. Just over a week until my mom comes to visit… and still no word on who will be coming with her… but regardless, I was able to use a little of my vacation so I’ll have a four-day weekend for the 4^th of July when it comes around. REALLY excited about that… and she’ll get to meet Dizzy… which apparently is a big step. I don’t know. I think my mom has met just about every girl I’ve ever dated more than twice but whatever. My dad on the other hand, I think he’s only met one or two. Not sure he can be trusted around the ladies. Once a playa always a playa… where do you think I get it from? Have a great night everybody!!!