Dear Media Professional,
Subsequent to a report in Gazzetta dello Sport, a number of English language cycling publications have suggested that our client, Mario Cipollini, used performance enhancing drugs during his racing career. In particular, it has been stated that our client "used 25 blood bags before 2003 Giro d'Italia," and that he consulted Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes "under the code name 'Maria.'"
This is a simple misunderstanding
While it is true that our client has consulted Dr. Fuentes on more than one occasion, the subject of these consultations was in no way related to doping. It is well known that Mario Cipollini was the most libidinous rider in the professional peloton. Furthermore, he has very specific physical requirements with regard to sexual partners. Therefore, as a gynecologist with a thriving practice, Dr. Fuentes was in a unique and ideal position to furnish our client with companions whom he had deemed "Cipo worthy" after a comprehensive 32-point inspection.
In this case, Cipollini had expressed to Dr. Fuentes his desire for a "sangue borse." While the literal translation for this phrase is indeed "blood bag," it is also Lucchese slang for a woman who is menstruating. Therefore, in saying that he needed a "sangue borse" before the Giro d'Italia, Cipollini was simply explaining to Dr. Fuentes that he wished to "earn his red wings" before the three-week race began. Subsequently, Dr. Fuentes arranged contact with a woman named Maria who fulfilled this requirement. As for the widely reported 25 blood bag figure, as I mentioned earlier Cipollini has very specific physical requirements, and suffice it to say that one of these requirements is ample liquid volume.
In light of these facts we hereby demand that you cease perpetuating this misinformation. While the services provided to Mario Cipollini by Dr. Fuentes were not, strictly speaking, legal, they were in no way a violation of the anti-doping code, and it is unfair that our client's formidable sporting accomplishments should be sullied by a relatively harmless sexual peccadillo.
Sincerely,
Peter Shelley, Esq.
Attorney At Law
Shelley, Diggle, Smith & Maher, LLP
That's good enough for me. In fact, it's a lot more than I needed to know. If only other riders' representation were so forthcoming. For example, after looking at this picture, it's clear Alessandro Petacchi has some explaining to do:
I guess when you're Petacchi's age, sometimes you need a little help staying up. (Unless you're Mario Cipollini, whose refractory period is still measured in nanoseconds.)
In the meantime, between this and the thousands of paternity suits I'm sure Cipollini's attorneys have their hands full--and speaking of paternity, the artisanal fathering journal "Kindling" has made the New York Times:
Is having a penis the extent of your masculinity? Did you nevertheless manage to use that penis to help someone make a baby? Is the combined cost of your sweater and bag upwards of $1,000? If you answered "Yes" to any of those questions and did so with a rising inflection, then you too may be an artisanal father:
There’s a fashion spread featuring Christopher Cole, a co-owner of the Brooklyn Fabrication metal construction company. He is photographed wearing a Coos Curry cardigan (retail price: $420) and carrying a chocolate brown Lotuff leather tote ($750).
But don't call them "hipster dads," because that's an "empty demarcation:"
“We actually said at our first meeting that if we make this pretty, somebody’s going to accuse us of being hipster dads,” said Mr. Heffner, 32, whose long beard and thick black glasses, and his borough, might make the accusation seem accurate.
“This whole hipster thing seems like an empty demarcation,” said Mr. Perez, also 32.
Nobody's calling you "hipster dads" because you made your magazine look pretty. They're calling you "hipster dads" because you say things like this:
“We have this idea that parenting is all dirty diapers,” Mr. Perez said. “But being with my son is amazing. It’s dealing with all my anxiety or weird issues that’s the real challenge of being a father.”
Actually, parenting is mostly dirty diapers. Dealing with your own anxiety and weird issues has nothing do with parenting. Rather, it's something you do on your own time, possibly while stoned.
In any case, the article does make an interesting point, which is that to date every fathering magazine ever has failed, to which the "Kindling" guy has this to say:
“I recognize that there isn’t a marketing precedent for such an identification,” Mr. Perez said in an e-mail, “but we aren’t making a magazine for every American dad (as if such a thing exists) but men around the world who identify as dads.”
I disagree. In fact, I think the real problem is that the "Kindling" editors don't understand their own audience. What they really need to do is drop the whole "dad" angle and simply market this as a literary journal for overeducated urban men who have huge amounts of time to engage in mental masturbation, regardless of whether or not they have children. If they do this I guarantee they'll have a big hit on their hands. In fact, "Wilderness Collective" participants alone should keep them in $420 cardigans for years:
Wilderness Collective: Trip 000 from Process Creative on Vimeo.
Over the past few weeks numerous people have alerted me to this video, but only today have I managed to gird my loins and actually watch it, and it gives me little pleasure to report that it's perhaps the most offensive thing I've ever seen. Indeed, in terms of sheer dandydom, it makes "Kindling" look like "Maxim." Granted, I'm no woodsman (I get frightened riding the Hudson River Greenway at night), but even I know you don't boast about your outdoor survival skills while grilling artichoke:
I also know there's nothing rugged or adventurous about using a cutting board:
Or opening a wedge of smoked gouda by a campfire you made with a propane torch:
It's unlikely you actually made it this far into the video without throwing up, but you should know that just after the gouda shot the narrator actually says this:
"In an age of eroding masculinity, where men are depicted as weak, and blundering, and misguided, and shallow, men need to be ever more intentional to carve out time for camaraderie, for adventure, and introspection."
Immediately after which they cue the gin and tonic:
Naturally, this is a commercial, and Wilderness Collective is the Best Made Co. of package tour companies. Yes, you too can drink effete cocktails in the woods and be safely masculine with your fellow douchebags for only $3,500 (or $2,500 without the bike rental, but there's no way that anybody who actually owns a motorcycle would ever do this):
DATE: May 2-5, 2013
DETAILS:
- $2,500 USD ($3,500 with bike rental)
- 3 Days of off-road dual sport riding through Sequoia National Forest, Kings Canyon, and Yosemite National Park
- Off the grid camping accomodations
- Gourmet cuisine
- Support vehicle
- Film crew documenting the entire adventure
- All expenses included
Or, if you're a company and you want to tap the urban douchebag market, you can sign on to become a sponsor--which is just what I'm hoping to do:
I'll let you know just as soon as I hear back.
In any case, given the sad state of the American male, it's pretty clear that this country is going to be a territory of North Korea by 2030, at which point we're going to need to be rescued by Italian women:
BITCHY TUTORIAL VOL.1 "HANDLEBAR MAINTENANCE" from GASH-ROUGE on Vimeo.
The makers of this video have requested that I put the hashtag #PEDALA somewhere, so that's exactly what I'm doing, because as an American male on the eroding edge of masculinity I will do anything they say.
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