Come on, those donkeys are wearing jerseys, that's HILARIOUS!
As always, the Tour de France Spoiler of the Day was brought to you by Specialized:
Or, for the delusional amateur on a budget, there's always the $9,200 version, now available in Seizure Red:
It's right at the UCI weight limit, but it's hors catégorie on the ugly scale.
Secondly, a reader tells me that the New York Times is reporting on the increasing number of cyclists who wear cameras so they have evidence against drivers in the event of collisions:
I was simultaneously thrilled by Evan Wilder's "gotcha" moment in the accompanying video and dismayed that it's come to this. It's sad that as cyclists the burden of proof is always on us despite our vulnerability. Sure, it would be nice to be able to ride around without a camera strapped to your head, but at this rate it's only a matter of time before nobody will take you seriously unless you're wearing a helment, full body armor, and cameras covering a 360-degree panorama like you're filming an undersea documentary directed by James Cameron. And even recumbent riders aren't immune:
Gary Souza, a cyclist in Sacramento, said something like that happened to him. He wears a camera on his helmet during his 50-minute commute each way between his home and office. He began riding with the device this year after buying a $7,000 velomobile, a three-wheeled recumbent cycle with a shell around it.
“Even though it’s insured, if anything happens I figured I wanted to get it on camera,” said Mr. Souza, who works in information technology for the state of California.
A couple of months ago, Mr. Souza said, a motorist became upset after the cyclist crossed in front of his vehicle to make a turn. The driver got out of his car to confront Mr. Souza, who pointed to the camera on his head.
By the way, here is a velomobile:
Just imagine the motorist's horror when Future Man climbed out of his Intergalactic Space Suppository and pointed to the camera on his head. I'm sure the last thing the driver thought was that the device was a camera, and instead he probably assumed it was a freeze ray that would incapacitate him while this strange cosmic explorer administered an anal probe and then brought him back to the mothership for further invasive testing.
It's bad enough we've reached the point that if a ride isn't documented digitally it didn't happen. Now, we're on the cusp of a new age in which if the ride wasn't documented digitally then the cyclist is guilty.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then you'll cheer heartily and $1,000 will be automatically debited from your bank account and transferred to the charity of your choice, and if you're wrong then you'll see something HILARIOUS!
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and read safely.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(The Schlecks looking wasted after yet another all-night pee-pee party.)
1) Andy and Fränk Schleck may have finally committed the ultimate act of career suicide by:
--Confessing to years of recreational diuretic abuse
--Co-starring in an adult film called "Schleck and Schlecker"
--Publicly calling everybody's favorite rider Jens Voigt a "douchebag"
--Signing with Astana
("The diamond frame, like the three-act structure, has outlived its usefulness."--George Plimpton)
2) "George Plimpton was known for cycling around New York on his Trek Y-foil ."
--True
--False
(Helmentless Copenhageners ride heedlessly towards almost certain death.)
3) Which is not a Copenhagen cycling amenity?
--Rider footrests
--Specially-angled garbage cans
--"Conversation" lanes
--Waist-high pissoirs for easy on-the-bike relief
4) In New York City, telling a police officer to stop blocking a bike lane will get you:
--An apology
--A ticket for an offense you didn't commit
--A reply of "Fuck you, Spandex Boy"
--The dreaded "chocolate swirly"
5) Portland's Bicycle Übermom Emily Finch admits to:
--Bungee-cording a screaming five-year-old to a bakfiets
--Running over a neighbor's cat with her bike and leaving an anonymous note of apology on the carcass
--Thinking David Byrne is "kind of a douchebag"
--All of the above
6) This guy wants you to give him money so he can:
--"...record an epic re-imagining of Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' played entirely on bicycle components"
--"...build an ultra-lightweight and compact telescope that can easily be carried on a cargo bicycle, so I can engage in spontaneous and sustainable sidewalk astronomy"
--"...tour the United States by bicycle and empower impoverished Native Americans by educating them about the process of collective dairy farming"
--"...move to Brooklyn, buy a bicycle, and document the artisanal revolution"
7) In a stroke of marketing genius, the promotional video for the FlexLine hydration system consists entirely of a large-breasted woman jogging on a desert road and suckling on a snorkel full of water for 45 minutes.
--True
--False
***Special Equipment-Themed Bonus Question***
Complete this pre-ride checklist:
1) Helmet
2) Vest
3) Gun
4) ___________
--FlexLine hydration system
--Recumbent
--Noseless saddle
--Clown shoes
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