I'm Going For The Saints Since You Asked

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was pretty nice. Saturday, I went to get my hair did at pretty much the only barber in town…but luckily, it’s Manstyle Barbers and less than a mile from my house. It’s a pretty nice little place in a loft overlooking historic downtown Truckee (see pictures) and the barber was pretty cool. We talked about football, pickup basketball games in the area, moving to the area and all that stuff. For lunch, I also decided to stop by the Bar of America & try their turkey cheese steak. It was pretty good…you know, for being turkey. I also tried the Truckee Book & Bean, where believe it or not, it’s a bookstore…with a coffee shop inside. I know, never saw it coming, right? The ladies behind the counter were very nice…and there were plenty of books to be read & educated types to converse with…but I ain’t a big fan of reading on a beautiful sunny day (or any other day really) so I ordered a chai spiced cider, glanced through the erotica section & then headed out to wander. Good times.

I told you I'd take a picture, JL Clyde

Sunday, I woke up & went to the rec center to shoot some hoops while listening to Journey’s Greatest Hits. Great album. I like the Sunday morning attendant’s taste. Last week it was Springsteen & John Cougar. Then I went home & was flipping through the channels when I saw PBA Bowler Kelly Kulick become the first woman to win a PBA Tour title. I didn’t even know until a few hours later…but I was witnessing history. Congratulations Kelly. Also, I stumbled upon Alyssa Dehaan. Who’s she? Only a 6’9” woman who plays for Michigan State University’s basketball team. Oh yeah, hot. So yeah, I kinda watched that game during commercials of football. Oh yeah, there were a few football games too. Great ones too. Two weeks from now, the Colts & the Saints will be playing in Super Bowl XLIV (44 in English). It should be a great game…with great commercials. My friend Filly, who I helped move to New Orleans, called me when she was on her way to work last night…about an hour after the game ended…and basically there was rioting in the streets. I would imagine so. The last time that the city of New Orleans won anything…was January 26, 1815. Go ahead, Google it. It’s a history joke. Anyway, I hope they win the Super Bowl. Peyton & the Colts have theirs. I wanna see the underdog team full of players that nobody else wanted to hold up that trophy. WHO DAT??? Anyway, here’s the news this week on silly crime…

Something Fishy Going On - A U.S. border inspector suspected something fishy about the truckload of white sea bass headed into San Diego from Tijuana, Mexico. It was a good hunch. U.S. Customs and Border Protection said Friday that authorities seized 708 pounds of marijuana stowed under the fish (would’ve suspected cocaine given they were white sea bass). An officer at the Otay Mesa border crossing ordered the truck driver aside Thursday night to put the cargo under X-rays. Authorities said they found 29 wrapped packages of marijuana hidden beneath the fish and a layer of ice. The driver was a 34-year-old man from Ensenada, Mexico, whose name was not released. He was booked into a downtown San Diego jail for investigation of drug smuggling. I’d say the case was pretty open & shut…but then again, maybe he had a good alibi or something. “No, is garnish. You know, make food look good.” “Why is there over 700 pounds of it?” “Ugh…it was on sale? I don’t know, I just drive truck.”

“It’s Just Sugar!” - East Tennessee police said a Knoxville woman who was later arrested for cocaine possession initially told an officer that she had been eating a powdered doughnut. The Maryville Daily Times reported that a 21-year-old woman was arrested on Thursday and charged with possession of a Schedule II substance with intent to sell or deliver. She was also cited for driving on a suspended driver's license, driving without proof of insurance, failure to maintain her lane of traffic and possession of drug paraphernalia (guess which one has the longest sentence). According to an Alcoa police report, a field test on the substance indicated that the white powder she put in her mouth as an officer approached the car was cocaine, not a sugary pastry. She was being held in the Blount County Jail on a $12,250 bond pending a court hearing on Monday. I’m sure it’s not the first time that that defense has been used…and it sure won’t be the last.

Grand Theft Auto - Sheriff's deputies in central Florida found a suspected car thief playing the "Grand Theft Auto" video game, and they later charged him with just that. Polk County deputies investigating the theft of a 1998 Dodge Durango arrested 30-year-old Michael Ray Ekes on Thursday. They found the SUV outside a Haines City home. Ekes was inside in the house, playing the popular video game. Ekes was charged with grand theft auto, burglary and drug possession. At the time of his arrest, he was out of jail on bond for another grand theft auto charge (so does this make “Grand Theft Auto II”?). According to Polk County jail records, Ekes remained in custody Friday. Bond had not been set and no attorney was listed. Hmm, I wonder if anybody has ever robbed a bank…and then been found playing “Kane & Lynch: Dead Men” or something. Or stole a bunch of change, destroyed public property while on PCP, and killed a bunch of tortoises…then were found playing Super Mario Brothers. “AH, I just ate-a de mushrooms. Now I have-a de fireballs. Pyoon, pyoon, pyoon, pyoon.” “Sir, please stop jumping around and put that lizard down.” “Yoshi, we’s a got to get outta here. Quick, hop into the cart.” And there’s the world’s shortest police chase as he rides a Barbie Go-kart into the wall as the police sedate him. I’m sure it has happened before.

“I Thought the Cop Was A Prostitute…” - A 51-year-old Detroit man was arrested for impersonating an officer after police said he interfered with a prostitution sting. Wayne County Sheriff Benny Napoleon said in a release Wednesday that the man pulled alongside an undercover female officer on Detroit's east side, flashed a badge and yelled "get off the street." Another man who believed he was speaking with a prostitute wisely drove away. Napoleon said the suspect continued to follow his deputy, but sped off when she told him she was an officer. He was stopped and arrested by other deputies who found a loaded .40-caliber handgun, a Detroit police badge, hats and other clothing with police logos in his pickup. Sounds like a little vigilante justice trying to clean up the streets of Detroit…but yeah, probably not the best way to do it. Probably not a good idea for a 51-year old man to be riding by in a Cadillac (oh I KNOW it’s a Cadillac) and telling ladies to put some clothes on. Or maybe he was just warning her to “get off the street” because there was a crazy old man in a cop’s uniform with a loaded gun nearby. I, for one, would be appreciative of such a warning.

Megan Fox Update – Okay, so I quickly glanced at askmen.com’s Top 99 Women of 2009 list, you know…because I could…and I have a number of critiques, just from the first dozen. However, I’m going to stick to the top two that I have. The first is…well, number one. Oh yes, Emmanuelle Chriqui is hot. Please don’t get it twisted. Seriously though? What would I know her from? Oh yeah, she was the short agent’s girlfriend in a few episodes of “Entourage” and she was in that stupid Sandler movie “Zohan” but…I disagree. In fact, I pretty much wrote this list off at that point. Then when I finished the Top 10…and there was no Megan Fox, I’m pretty sure that men weren’t even questioned about this list (she was #11 by the way). “But $teve, there are dozens, maybe hundreds of these stupid f**king lists on the internet & in publications and only your lists mean anything to us…so why do you even bring this one up?” Because it gives me an excuse to post THESE!!!

You know I don’t need a real excuse. So anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hope you all enjoyed it. Wow, February’s right around the corner. Only a few more weeks to get me a Valentine’s Day present, ladies (or gentlemen, I like gifts). If you need suggestions, just ask. I’ll give you a few options so that it’ll be a surprise for me. “You can get me…ugh, I don’t know…how about ugh…a hot, steamy love letter confessing your inner-most desires for me, complete with provocative photos or ugh…a golden toilet.” “Wow, that’s it? How about chocolates or something?” “Sure you can throw those in with the toilet. Like I said, surprise me.” You know I’m easy to please (in most ways) so yeah, if you’re without a Valentine this year, let me know. We’ll see what we can work out. We could be alone together. By the way, about half way through this paragraph my baritone voice just went down about three octaves. Have a great night…ladies.