Welcome to the Rock

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you may have guessed, I did go to San Francisco for the weekend…and it was amazing. A brief history of my previous experiences with the city. I spent an evening there on a work trip about…six years ago. I had two hours of free time…and basically that was enough to go to the Fisherman’s Wharf in the rain for a quick bit of popcorn shrimp and then get back to work. My fondest memory is that evening when a lovely coworker of mine & I split a bottle of complimentary champagne (and yes, it was real champagne) in the hot tub after hours thanks to a kind housekeeper and my award-winning charm. That…was a great night. Even in that brief introduction to the city, I knew it was something unique. There are a few cities in the United States that are absolutely distinctive to me…like New Orleans, Las Vegas, New York City, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., these places that are just completely different from other cities. San Francisco is one of them. Join me, won’t you? As we travel through what some of this culturally rich city has to offer.

I left Truckee around 9 AM and the drive to San Francisco was beautiful. It started with the Sierra Nevada mountains and then into the Foothills and basically the Napa Valley region. Being so used to driving across Utah & Wyoming on road trips, I’m still not used to the color green out my window…but I like it. Basically, the drive took less than three hours to get to the city…and then I spent 45 minutes trying to figure out how to get to the hotel with all the one-ways & my GPS thinking I was three blocks from where I was…and then correcting…just in time for me to miss my turn. By the way, if there was ever a major metropolitan city that was made for a Jeep, it’s San Francisco and it’s ridiculously steep hills, horrible parking situations and tendency for retarded tourists & cocksure locals to casually stroll in front of oncoming traffic. Eventually I made it, left Gretchen in the hands of professionals, and made my way to Chinatown…

"Where can I find something beautiful?"

Mmm... I'd like to go there for four years...

Funny signs - Not just in Chinatown

After strolling through all the shops and wading through a waist-high sea of people, I made my way over to Coit Tower, where I could get a 360 degree bird’s eye view of the city. Also, while up there, I was waiting to see out one of the windows towards the skyline…and the girl in front of me said, “What’s that pointy tower there?” This is where I provided one of my many services, “That’s the TransAmerica building.” “Oh, thank you. Are you from around here?” “No, Truckee…and the only other structure I know out there is…there, that’s the Bay Bridge. It’s beautiful though, isn’t it?” “Yeah, it’s amazingly beautiful.” It was about this time that a man I assume was her boyfriend came from around a pillar, gave her a hug and they moved along. Sigh…anyway, here are the pictures…

"Okay, if we head down Filbert...wait, is this map a sh*tter?"

Bay Bridge

Downtown skyline...and TransAmerica Building

Nob & Russian Hill

That's the Golden Gate Bridge on the Horizon

Fisherman's Wharf

After making awkward social advances atop an ivory tower, I made my way down the hill to Fisherman’s Wharf & Ghirardelli Square. Now if you’re looking for a lot of places to get souvenirs and clam chowder, you’d be hard pressed to find more locations in such a small area. I didn’t go into the Aquarium…but maybe next time. Instead I enjoyed lunch with a crab cake sandwich from Tarantino’s and then washed it down with a hot fudge sundae in a chocolate waffle bowl at Ghirardelli. Delicious. Here are some pictures of the Wharf…

Hooters AND In-n-Out Burger...next door

"It's... it's just beautiful..."

Now I was going to go back to the hotel to rest up a bit…but there was quite a journey ahead for me. You see, the cable cars had been down for a few hours…on a Saturday…so the line for the cars as well as taxis was pretty long. It was okay though…because along the way back up some of the steepest hills in the city…was Lombard Street, the crookedest street in the world…and for some reason they’re proud of it. Then again, I’ve been to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which is basically just a tower with a shotty foundation…and that’s a national landmark. Weird, right? Well, I took some pictures…

Then I stumbled upon the Cathedral atop Nob Hill and decided to take a few pictures…

After recuperating and watching some NCAA tournament action (last few minutes of Northern Iowa upsetting Kansas), I took a quick shower…because it was about forty degrees warmer than I was used to walking around in…and it was kind of a long journey, all by foot. Then I went into Chinatown to get me some dim sum dinner. I decided on a place that seemed to be a kind of a hole in the wall…but they had a variety of dumplings, so I partook of them. I really liked the shrimp ones. For the life of me, I don’t recall the name of the place…but hey, there are probably a hundred places to get food within a few square blocks. There was even an all-you-can-eat buffet for $5.99 but…I passed. I might’ve started to question how it was so inexpensive…and then realize there were no cats running around the neighborhood or something. I did live in China for a month. Anyway, then I wandered around a bit…

After a while, I decided to call it an early night. You know me, I was traveling solo & wasn’t going to travel across town to go to a club, use my horrible pickup lines, pray she was drunk enough to laugh and find me attractive and all that. Besides, I had an early morning…so I relaxed in my robe and watched some Comedy Central before dozing off. Here’s the thing though… I had completely forgotten that my friend A-Lo & her family live like a half-hour away…and today is her birthday (21st I think) so we probably could’ve met up & had a great night of drunken debauchery…but alas, I’m an idiot. See? This is what happens when I do a lot of last-minute things, I forget stuff that might be important. Oh well, we’re going to meet up when I’m in town again in four weeks…so it’s okay.

The next morning, I made my way to Pier 33 to take the cruise out to Alcatraz. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Oooh, you get to see an old ran-down prison. Whoopity doo.” Yeah. I do. Okay, here are some of the reason that I like Alcatraz so much. First off, it’s the Rock. Holla. Remember? Bad-ass Simpson-Bruckheimer movie? Nicolas Cage? Sean Connery saying the immortal words, “Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f**k the prom queen”? Oh yes, I was quoting the movie everywhere…and I got a few looks for it. F**k ‘em. I was at the Rock. Secondly, as you’ll see from some of the pictures, it’s basically the biggest cock tease that the federal government could ever do. You get all the baddest of the bad, put them on their island within a mile or two of San Francisco. You’ve got the skyline out the window of your cell (if you’re a lucky one) and a view of the Golden Gate Bridge from the recreation area, yet you’re stuck on that rock. Go ahead, if you can make it out of your cell, then past all the heavily armed guards, down the steep cliffs on a moonless night, then try to swim across the frozen shark infested waters to freedom…where you’d have to hope nobody’s wandered by your cell in the past few hours because otherwise patrol boats will be sent out & SFPD will be waiting for you at the shore if you make it that far. Oh…and you’ve been living in a cell with such close quarters, I couldn’t stand up or lay down straight in there…and then try to do this miraculous feat. So yeah, go for it, Birdman. Thirdly, now it’s a nature reserve (of which the birds have complete control…like something out of a Hitchcock film) and tourist attraction…and I was disappointed when nobody gave me the gory details of life in Alcatraz. RIP “Vicki” Here are some pictures…

"Oh good, I'm welcome here"

The Morgue seemed bigger in the movie...

I wonder how much raping went on in here...

Prisoner cells...

Isolation cells...nearly twice the size

...and this was where the prison guards slept

I don't see the big deal, the Exit's right there...

or is it a TRAP???

Recreation area

See? It's no big deal. Freedom is right there.

Back on the wharf...

"Dude, I'd get that sh*t checked..."

After escaping Alcatraz, I had lunch at Boudin Sourdough at the Wharf, then took a cab back to the hotel. When I hopped in the car, I asked the driver if he wanted my bag of chips from Boudin (I was full on crab meat & a bread bowl full of clam chowder) and he thanked me for it. Then we started talking…and he was from Philly, so we hit it off and chatted it up a bit, talking mostly about California & beer. Good times. Then I headed out to the Presidio to see the Golden Gate Bridge. For those of you who don’t know, bridges erect my cantilever beam. I guess it’s part of the nerd in me…but when I see engineering marvels, I get all nerd giddy…and the Bay Area is a pretty good place to get that giddy. Anyway, here are the pictures…including a rare picture of me…

As promised ladies, BEHOLD!!!

After blood returned to my brain, I wanted to go check out Golden Gate Park and see the Botanical Gardens…but alas, it was midday on a Sunday…and there was literally no parking whatsoever within a three mile radius of that place. The closest I could find…was on the end near Ocean Beach, so I just said f**k it and went to the beach…cuz that’s how I roll.

After that, I decided to head back home and got back to Truckee around nightfall. It was a great little weekend getaway…and now I know what I want to do when I go back in four weeks. First and foremost, say whattup to A-Lo & J-Lo and check out some of the nightlife or something. Didn’t have anybody with me this time…and it’d be a shame to let all this fly go to waste. Secondly, I’m gonna check out Golden Gate Park during the week when it’s hopefully not so damn crazy. I heard the gardens there are amazing. Thirdly, I’m going to park in Oakland or something because it’s ridiculous how much they charge there. Seriously, it was as almost as much as my hotel room. I asked if I could just get two rooms and let Gretchen have one. She’d enjoy the sunset & consideration. Anything else I should check out? Suggestions are always welcome. I know they have the SF Beer Festival there on April 24th next month…but it may just be outside my dates while I’m there. This trip was awesome though…and I can’t wait to start my big road trip now. Things are falling into place…and my roommate said he might be interested in tagging along for the first leg of the trip when I go back down to San Francisco. Nice, right? Well, we’ll see how it all works out. A lot of time between now & then. Hope you all enjoyed this weekend too…and my pictures & stories. Have a great night everybody!!!