Whirled Premiere: Cine-meh-tic Masterpiece

[I still seem to be having line spacing issues--sorry!]

Last month, when I announced the upcoming publication of my second book, "The Enlightened Cyclist," I received a deluge of questions. ("Deluge" is a nautical term for "shitload.") Here are just some of those questions:

--"What's it about?"

--"Wait, second book? You mean you wrote a first one?"

--"Who cares?"

Well, today it makes me extremely proud to officially debut this video (or what we used to call a "commercial") which should go a long way towards answering absolutely none of those questions:

As you can see, it's sort of a "day in the life" piece, and in case you're wondering, the answer is "Yes, I did do my own stunts"--except for the opening sequence, for which we rented a trained chicken. Also, you'll no doubt have been amused and delighted by the cameo from MC Spand-X, shown here in better days:

You may know him as the star of the hit videos "Performance," "Get Dirty," and "Le Velo," but to me he's just the guy who--along with his partner at + M Productions--made me lie in a bathtub full of Froot Loops and put me in touch with my inner chicken.

In any case, thanks for watching, thanks also to + M Productions, and most of all thanks to the Almighty Lobster on High who makes all things possible. Hopefully this video will be my stepping stone to a lucrative career as a disembodied hand model:

(via a reader)

Evidently authorities have yet to apprehend the Trailside Groper:


Incidentally, you can tell this is a top-tier disembodied hand model because she's clearly received extensive training in shadow puppetry:

The best hand models can turn even a quick eBay baggy-short tuchus grab into art.

Moving on to much more serious matters, did you know that bike lanes are ruining America? It's true. They're the cracks in our nation's steely resolve, the ever-widening web that snarls our SUVs, the very arteries of our own destruction. They're a blight on children and old people. They're an affront to "G-d." Now, however, bike lanes have officially Gone Too Far, since they're finally threatening our nation's only remaining viable export--crappy movies:

Yes, a reader informs me that a margarita-hued bike lane on Los Angeles's most-filmed street is ruining the verisimilitude of "Anytown, USA:"

Except that it apparently does. That mile and a half of Spring Street turns out to be the most filmed stretch of street in town. Or rather, it was until about last November, when the green lane spoiled the shots that made Spring the perfect stand-in for Anytown, USA. It was the perfect street for car commercials, the perfect backdrop of stolid bank buildings, the perfect mix of marble columns and Art Deco spandrels, the perfect modern or 1920s downtown — until the wide green stripe appeared.

"So what's the problem?," you may be asking. Well, this is Anytown, USA, not some other godless "Anytown" like Anytown, Holland, or Anytown, North Korea. We don't have bike lanes in Anytown, USA--we have ample parking, giant banks, and chain stores that have killed our downtowns like so much Weed-B-Gon. You can't expect people to watch quasi-inspirational auto industry propaganda only to be subject to the stomach-turning sight of a bike lane. I mean, what's next, a Ford F-150 commercial with a gay couple getting married in the pickup bed?

Speaking of losing your way, are you unable to ride three blocks without getting lost? Do you panic when you don't have access to crucial information like how slowly you're going or what your fellow cyclists are currently Tweeting about? Do you need to read it all on a screen the size of your face? If so, you might want to put your iPad in a plastic bag and strap it to your handlebars like this guy did:

(Via yet another reader.)

I especially like that he went through all this trouble yet still kept his quaint old-timey computer on there:

I guess it's like when you go to a store where they ring you up electronically but keep an old-fashioned mechanical cash register on the counter just for show. I should actually start keeping an old typewriter on my desk next to my computer while I blog for exactly the same reason:

Yes, that's me, and the above photo was taken mere moments before I posted the following image:

(Larry King "weighs his options" post-retirement.)

Now you're all caught up and reading live in real time.

In any case, it seems like only yesterday when I mentioned Ivy League graduates and their abiding fear of plumbers--and that's because it was only yesterday. Well, if you're among the pathetic people who are petrified by plumbers, or confused by carpenters, or riled by roofers, then you might want to move to Portland, where even the contractors ride bikes:

Sure, he's not actually a plumber, but don't worry, Portland has a cycling plumber too:

Even a Bard graduate could muster up the courage to talk to that guy.

Given Portland and its love for bicycling businesspeople, one wonders ("one wonders" is pretentious for "I wonder") if it's possible to dream up a bike-based business of which the people of Portland would not approve. I'd love to see some entrepreneur really push the limits of Portland's cognitive dissonance--like maybe a cycling automotive repair service, or a cycling military recruiter, or a cycling Christian evangelist who operates a combination KFC/Taco Bell on wheels. There's nothing quite as precious as the pained look in a Portlander's face when their love of bikes rubs up against their distaste for anything non-artisanal and politically incorrect, so to me watching someone deliberate as a bicycling instant coffee vendor both tempts and repulses them with a plastic cup full of Folgers would be nothing short of sublime.

All you need is a Surly Big Dummy and a Costco membership, and you could be the Portland-baitingest business in Stumptown.