Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Unfortunately, I have to start the day off with some sad news. Actor David Carradine passed away earlier today in an apparent suicide at a hotel in Bangkok (then again, Bangkok's a crazy place...so he might've been involved in some underground kickboxing sh*t for all we know). The 72-year old actor is best known for his roles as Grasshopper in the "Kung Fu" TV series...and later as Bill in the "Kill Bill" movies by Quentin Tarantino. He was a cultural icon and seeker of life...and if it truly was a suicide, then it is truly an unfortunate end for this great man.
Today also marked the 20th anniversary of the protest at Tiananmen Square which ended in a horrible tragedy of human rights (like many things in China) but this one was televised. You all know, the one with the kid standing in front of the tanks with a copy of the Constitution (maybe the Declaration of Independence). Yeah, twenty years ago. A lot has changed along the Beijing skyline since then...but then again, not a whole lot on the human rights front. Enjoy the Freedoms that you have, ladies & gentlemen.
Well, in other news, it's on like Donkey Kong. Now I have to write a book. Why? Because JL Clyde thinks that her next great American novel (whatever the subject or story may be) will sell better than the smut novel, collection of erotica or children's story that I can whip up. I honestly hope that she proves me wrong and sells a million copies before I do...but then again, I hate to lose...especially to a literature major. So I will let you know when the first Dr Mookie Love publications hits a Barnes & Noble near you...because I know that's JL Clyde's favorite store as well...and I'll be sure to do a book signing or two. You know, get the good looks & charm out there to sell even more books...because I'm winning this thing. Now to just decide on a format. Maybe you guys can help me out. You're familiar with my writing style. What do you think I would be best suited for?
Gritty Suspenseful Thriller - I'm thinking a series of detective novels...like CSI...but without having to look at David Caruso or Lieutenant Dan the whole show. You can imagine whatever you want with vague descriptions of the characters so that the story morphs to what the reader wants...and of course there are the clever twists, one-liners, sultry love interest, running monologues by the protagonist, and all the other wonderful things that readers look for in these books. Just need to work on the protagonist a bit...but I'm thinking somebody along my line of work. You know, private dick by day...and professional dick by night. A Gumshoe & a Gigolo...and of course the two words collide somehow during the case. Hmm, gotta be careful not to give away too much of the method.
Comedic Screenplay - Already have one of these typed up from years ago...and most of its pretty damn funny...but it was one of those things when I had a funny thought, I just threw it in there so I wouldn't forget it later on...you know, for a sequel or spinoff or entirely new project. Comedy's probably the easiest for me to write (as you may have noticed) but unless I'm writing for the Tonight Show or the Daily Show or something, it doesn't really matter now does it? Maybe I'll just stick to entertaining emails for friends & family...and when / if I move to Hollywood, and run into Seth Rogen or one of "the guys that brought you the 40 year old virgin" then maybe I'll drop my screenplay on them (patent pending) and see what's up with that. Just to be clear on the rules of the wager, it's a million books sold...and as I've said literally thousands of times in my life, "Why buy the book when you can watch the movie?" So you drop the book first, then make the movie after a million are sold. Doesn't work quite as well with comedies...but there are exceptions.
Collection of Erotic Stories - At this point, I would also like to mention another stipulation of the wager. It's a million books sold...NOT a million books of the same story. So let's say, I get a loyal audience of 100,000 sex-crazed maniacs (which if you think about it...is only one in 4000 Americans...and thanks to the internet, an even smaller fraction of Europeans) and they buy one of each of my series of ten collections of erotic stories (Believe me, I can write this stuff all day) then poof, I win the bet with a little quantity over quality perhaps...but still, an exceptional product given the format and most importantly, I win.
Romance Novel - Heater, Bubbles and a few others out there can tell you that I've already written a brief story for one of these...but I can definitely expand that story...and pull a few others out of my creative crack. Being a hopeless romantic myself, I know what the people want...and can deliver...especially when logic isn't part of the equation. You want a romance novel for teenagers with vampires, I'll give you Twilight. You want one targeted at housewives in the Midwest, I'll bring in some wandering ranch workers...with a twist. I can do it. I mean...the one I already wrote was involving the Pope. THE POPE, ladies & gentlemen...in a romance novel...and it's magnificent.
Children's Story - This would be a lot of fun to do...because I could get my brother to do the illustrations...though his style seems to be a little more...anime or Heavy Metal hardcore influence than your standard children's tales...but then again, that could be the niche that sets us apart in the industry...then we'd both be rich & be able to provide for my nieces & nephew...and maybe (forty years down the road at the rate that I'm going) my own children. I actually wrote a children's book AND illustrated it when I was 16 but never got to read it to the kindergarten class that it was intended for (because of that big car accident that I was in the morning of our visit) but I was told that the kids really enjoyed it (and believe me, they probably liked the pictures because they looked like they were drawn by a kindergartner). I've blogged before about this possibility...but I can also pull out something with a title like "The Panda Who Couldn't Read Good" or something to promote cultural tolerance like "We All Poo Brown" or something like that. I also like the idea of writing a sex educational book for teenagers titled "Why You're Here Because Your Mom Is A Superfreak" (and it promotes proper use of you're & your). You'd buy it wouldn't ya...or at least skim through it...and look at all the pretty illustrations courtesy of Brother Love.
Pop-Up Picture Book - Basically the same thing as "Children's Story" but with more interactive pages. That's right, think about "Why You're Here Because Your Mom Is A Superfreak" as a Pop-Up Book. Go ahead...let your imagination free.
The Next Great American Novel - Would I try to go toe-to-toe with her in writing the next great American novel? Sure, she asks me how to spell words like "khakis" and "Virtuosity" for her Twitter page or whatever...but do I have the testicular fortitude to try to beat her at her own game by trying to win literary awards and become some pretentious artist living in Paris? Or am I more of the person that would call her from my vacation in Martinique utilizing my amazing wealth from just scoring a movie deal based on my series of children's books about a little girl archeologist who gets sucked back in time to study dinosaurs first-hand with a time traveling scientist (probably played by Gary Oldman)? I think we all know the answer to that...and not just because I think Paris is dirty, full of pricks and has a distinct urine smell wherever you go within the city (and yes, I can smell it...which means it's horrible).
Autobiography - I often think to myself "If my life had an autobiography, would anybody read it?" Frankly, I probably wouldn't even read it...which is why I haven't written an autobiography since it was an assignment back in the 2nd grade...and it was mostly "My name is Steve. My birthday is April 26th. I was born in Funkatron, Utah..." and so on. Nothing really awesome for a seven year old to talk about. Now, twenty years later, I can at least BS on a blog about little things that happened...but it's not like I'm doing anything spectacular. Then again, I've always wanted to free Quebec from the tyrannical oppression of Canada. Perhaps that will be my ticket to a great autobiography (and Lilie will have to be my translator). "VIVA DOCTOR LOVE!!! VIVA QUEBEC!!!! VIVA DOCTOR LOVE!!! VIVA QUEBEC!!!"
Horror Story - I know all the tricks to making a good horror movie...but can I translate it over to a verbal format? Can I paint a creepy canvas like fellow $teve, Stephen King? Can I cause somebody to literally sh*t themselves in fear through words? God, that'd be awesome...but I don't think I have the ability to do that. It may be worth a shot though...and there's definitely a market of people out there wanting to be scared. I mean...just look at haunted houses...and why else do you think they make horror movies? Because they're cheap to make so they cover the cost opening weekend because young men & women are looking for an excuse to get scared and get all close in a movie theatre setting? That's ridiculous. By the way, when's "Jennifer's Body" coming out again?
Travel Journal - This may be the kind of book that I'm most qualified for...but I would have to have a wealthy man or woman funding my adventures...but I'd make it worth their while with interesting adventures into the touristy stuff and the not-so-touristy to the straight up weird, hysterical historical facts about the region, beautiful pictures of landscape & landmarks (and a few of signs that are funny to me & the occasion local hottie) and I know how to travel on a budget...and I'd be pretty good eye candy for any spin-off show on the Travel Channel. That is...if you don't want Samantha Brown doing every single show on your network. Hell, we could even share a show. She can do the shopping...and I can do the crazy sh*t. We could even call the show "$teve Does Crazy Sh*t...with Samantha Brown" which might be up there with my "Nutbusters" idea with Kari Byron...but again, that's back to shows...and I'm talking about books. That's the challenge, so that's what I'm going for...and I'm gonna win it damn it...then get the show / movie.
Movie Reviews - I can see it now, "Dr Love's Reviews of Movies for People Who Don't Want to Waste Two Hours Watching Crap" complete with overall reviews given by a system of upthrusting & down-dangling bodily appendages (like Siskel & Ebert's thumbs up and/or down...but sexier) and for those that can read, maybe even a few thoughts about the movie...and questions for them to ponder to enhance the experience. Think about it, you can read this one page review (probably full of pictures of the love interest Hollywood starlet in the film) and it can save you up to three hours (maybe more if it's a TV series...you know, volume 2) of waiting for nothing interesting to happen...or finding out the the big twist at the end is disappointing (think "The Village"). This could revolutionize the world. I can't believe that somebody hasn't thought of this before. What's that? Oh they did? Ebert has a few books out like that? And dozens of other critics? Do they have my style though? Well there you go. Just saying, it's a possibility.
Unfortunately, I have to start the day off with some sad news. Actor David Carradine passed away earlier today in an apparent suicide at a hotel in Bangkok (then again, Bangkok's a crazy place...so he might've been involved in some underground kickboxing sh*t for all we know). The 72-year old actor is best known for his roles as Grasshopper in the "Kung Fu" TV series...and later as Bill in the "Kill Bill" movies by Quentin Tarantino. He was a cultural icon and seeker of life...and if it truly was a suicide, then it is truly an unfortunate end for this great man.
Today also marked the 20th anniversary of the protest at Tiananmen Square which ended in a horrible tragedy of human rights (like many things in China) but this one was televised. You all know, the one with the kid standing in front of the tanks with a copy of the Constitution (maybe the Declaration of Independence). Yeah, twenty years ago. A lot has changed along the Beijing skyline since then...but then again, not a whole lot on the human rights front. Enjoy the Freedoms that you have, ladies & gentlemen.
Well, in other news, it's on like Donkey Kong. Now I have to write a book. Why? Because JL Clyde thinks that her next great American novel (whatever the subject or story may be) will sell better than the smut novel, collection of erotica or children's story that I can whip up. I honestly hope that she proves me wrong and sells a million copies before I do...but then again, I hate to lose...especially to a literature major. So I will let you know when the first Dr Mookie Love publications hits a Barnes & Noble near you...because I know that's JL Clyde's favorite store as well...and I'll be sure to do a book signing or two. You know, get the good looks & charm out there to sell even more books...because I'm winning this thing. Now to just decide on a format. Maybe you guys can help me out. You're familiar with my writing style. What do you think I would be best suited for?Gritty Suspenseful Thriller - I'm thinking a series of detective novels...like CSI...but without having to look at David Caruso or Lieutenant Dan the whole show. You can imagine whatever you want with vague descriptions of the characters so that the story morphs to what the reader wants...and of course there are the clever twists, one-liners, sultry love interest, running monologues by the protagonist, and all the other wonderful things that readers look for in these books. Just need to work on the protagonist a bit...but I'm thinking somebody along my line of work. You know, private dick by day...and professional dick by night. A Gumshoe & a Gigolo...and of course the two words collide somehow during the case. Hmm, gotta be careful not to give away too much of the method.
Comedic Screenplay - Already have one of these typed up from years ago...and most of its pretty damn funny...but it was one of those things when I had a funny thought, I just threw it in there so I wouldn't forget it later on...you know, for a sequel or spinoff or entirely new project. Comedy's probably the easiest for me to write (as you may have noticed) but unless I'm writing for the Tonight Show or the Daily Show or something, it doesn't really matter now does it? Maybe I'll just stick to entertaining emails for friends & family...and when / if I move to Hollywood, and run into Seth Rogen or one of "the guys that brought you the 40 year old virgin" then maybe I'll drop my screenplay on them (patent pending) and see what's up with that. Just to be clear on the rules of the wager, it's a million books sold...and as I've said literally thousands of times in my life, "Why buy the book when you can watch the movie?" So you drop the book first, then make the movie after a million are sold. Doesn't work quite as well with comedies...but there are exceptions.
Collection of Erotic Stories - At this point, I would also like to mention another stipulation of the wager. It's a million books sold...NOT a million books of the same story. So let's say, I get a loyal audience of 100,000 sex-crazed maniacs (which if you think about it...is only one in 4000 Americans...and thanks to the internet, an even smaller fraction of Europeans) and they buy one of each of my series of ten collections of erotic stories (Believe me, I can write this stuff all day) then poof, I win the bet with a little quantity over quality perhaps...but still, an exceptional product given the format and most importantly, I win.
Romance Novel - Heater, Bubbles and a few others out there can tell you that I've already written a brief story for one of these...but I can definitely expand that story...and pull a few others out of my creative crack. Being a hopeless romantic myself, I know what the people want...and can deliver...especially when logic isn't part of the equation. You want a romance novel for teenagers with vampires, I'll give you Twilight. You want one targeted at housewives in the Midwest, I'll bring in some wandering ranch workers...with a twist. I can do it. I mean...the one I already wrote was involving the Pope. THE POPE, ladies & gentlemen...in a romance novel...and it's magnificent.
Children's Story - This would be a lot of fun to do...because I could get my brother to do the illustrations...though his style seems to be a little more...anime or Heavy Metal hardcore influence than your standard children's tales...but then again, that could be the niche that sets us apart in the industry...then we'd both be rich & be able to provide for my nieces & nephew...and maybe (forty years down the road at the rate that I'm going) my own children. I actually wrote a children's book AND illustrated it when I was 16 but never got to read it to the kindergarten class that it was intended for (because of that big car accident that I was in the morning of our visit) but I was told that the kids really enjoyed it (and believe me, they probably liked the pictures because they looked like they were drawn by a kindergartner). I've blogged before about this possibility...but I can also pull out something with a title like "The Panda Who Couldn't Read Good" or something to promote cultural tolerance like "We All Poo Brown" or something like that. I also like the idea of writing a sex educational book for teenagers titled "Why You're Here Because Your Mom Is A Superfreak" (and it promotes proper use of you're & your). You'd buy it wouldn't ya...or at least skim through it...and look at all the pretty illustrations courtesy of Brother Love.
Pop-Up Picture Book - Basically the same thing as "Children's Story" but with more interactive pages. That's right, think about "Why You're Here Because Your Mom Is A Superfreak" as a Pop-Up Book. Go ahead...let your imagination free.
The Next Great American Novel - Would I try to go toe-to-toe with her in writing the next great American novel? Sure, she asks me how to spell words like "khakis" and "Virtuosity" for her Twitter page or whatever...but do I have the testicular fortitude to try to beat her at her own game by trying to win literary awards and become some pretentious artist living in Paris? Or am I more of the person that would call her from my vacation in Martinique utilizing my amazing wealth from just scoring a movie deal based on my series of children's books about a little girl archeologist who gets sucked back in time to study dinosaurs first-hand with a time traveling scientist (probably played by Gary Oldman)? I think we all know the answer to that...and not just because I think Paris is dirty, full of pricks and has a distinct urine smell wherever you go within the city (and yes, I can smell it...which means it's horrible).
Autobiography - I often think to myself "If my life had an autobiography, would anybody read it?" Frankly, I probably wouldn't even read it...which is why I haven't written an autobiography since it was an assignment back in the 2nd grade...and it was mostly "My name is Steve. My birthday is April 26th. I was born in Funkatron, Utah..." and so on. Nothing really awesome for a seven year old to talk about. Now, twenty years later, I can at least BS on a blog about little things that happened...but it's not like I'm doing anything spectacular. Then again, I've always wanted to free Quebec from the tyrannical oppression of Canada. Perhaps that will be my ticket to a great autobiography (and Lilie will have to be my translator). "VIVA DOCTOR LOVE!!! VIVA QUEBEC!!!! VIVA DOCTOR LOVE!!! VIVA QUEBEC!!!"
Horror Story - I know all the tricks to making a good horror movie...but can I translate it over to a verbal format? Can I paint a creepy canvas like fellow $teve, Stephen King? Can I cause somebody to literally sh*t themselves in fear through words? God, that'd be awesome...but I don't think I have the ability to do that. It may be worth a shot though...and there's definitely a market of people out there wanting to be scared. I mean...just look at haunted houses...and why else do you think they make horror movies? Because they're cheap to make so they cover the cost opening weekend because young men & women are looking for an excuse to get scared and get all close in a movie theatre setting? That's ridiculous. By the way, when's "Jennifer's Body" coming out again?
Travel Journal - This may be the kind of book that I'm most qualified for...but I would have to have a wealthy man or woman funding my adventures...but I'd make it worth their while with interesting adventures into the touristy stuff and the not-so-touristy to the straight up weird, hysterical historical facts about the region, beautiful pictures of landscape & landmarks (and a few of signs that are funny to me & the occasion local hottie) and I know how to travel on a budget...and I'd be pretty good eye candy for any spin-off show on the Travel Channel. That is...if you don't want Samantha Brown doing every single show on your network. Hell, we could even share a show. She can do the shopping...and I can do the crazy sh*t. We could even call the show "$teve Does Crazy Sh*t...with Samantha Brown" which might be up there with my "Nutbusters" idea with Kari Byron...but again, that's back to shows...and I'm talking about books. That's the challenge, so that's what I'm going for...and I'm gonna win it damn it...then get the show / movie.
Movie Reviews - I can see it now, "Dr Love's Reviews of Movies for People Who Don't Want to Waste Two Hours Watching Crap" complete with overall reviews given by a system of upthrusting & down-dangling bodily appendages (like Siskel & Ebert's thumbs up and/or down...but sexier) and for those that can read, maybe even a few thoughts about the movie...and questions for them to ponder to enhance the experience. Think about it, you can read this one page review (probably full of pictures of the love interest Hollywood starlet in the film) and it can save you up to three hours (maybe more if it's a TV series...you know, volume 2) of waiting for nothing interesting to happen...or finding out the the big twist at the end is disappointing (think "The Village"). This could revolutionize the world. I can't believe that somebody hasn't thought of this before. What's that? Oh they did? Ebert has a few books out like that? And dozens of other critics? Do they have my style though? Well there you go. Just saying, it's a possibility.
How To Books - "How To Sell A Million Books" by Dr Mookie Love. You'll have to buy it to get the secret.
So there are just a few options that I thought of while working an eight-hour shift with plenty of interruptions (yes, there'd probably be a LOT more if that was not the case, for my mind tends to wander all over the place). Please let me know what you think...and more importantly, what you would buy. Who knows, you may get a complimentary copy signed by the author before it hits the shelves of JL Clyde's favorite store, Barnes & Noble. Don't worry JL, you'll get a first edition copy too...just to remind you if nothing else.
THIS FRIDAY (as in tomorrow) will be Lilie's Welcome Back Rock Band Party at my new pimpin' apartment, so please let me know if you're interested in attending...and I'll be texting and/or calling later today to see as well. It's gonna be good old fashioned rock & roll fun...and maybe a little funk too...and a few tasty beverages. Come one, come all. Other than that, just another day another dollar at work. Now, please bow your heads for a moment of silence for Mr. David Carradine...and those who died 20 years ago in Beijing wanting what we have. Have a great day everybody!!! God bless...
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