Lessons in Passion & Fashion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the weekend is here. It’s supposed to be in the 50’s (which is really warm for this deck of the woods to all you Vegas & Lala Land readers) so I’m thinking that a mini road trip may be in order…or at the very least, maybe hike a little bit around the lake or something. Maybe I’ll check out that West Shore that I’ve heard so much about. We shall see. Work has been busy…but what else do you expect when it’s the 2nd greatest consumer-inspired holiday of the year (behind Baby Jesus Day). Does anybody know the real story of Saint Valentine? Really? I’m sure if I asked Sam & Dean Winchester to look into it, they’d find some honest folklore on it…and I’ll bet there’s a demon involved…or some kind of witchcraft…or a flying baby deity that fires arrows with some sort of blood boiling poison tips. So stay indoors…and safety in numbers…and snuggle up with somebody you care about…cuz it’s gonna be a Valentine’s Day Massacre this weekend. How’s that for optimism? Or sarcasm? I get them mixed up sometimes. There’s only one –asm that I never forget. No matter how long it has been. Anyway, here’s a news-asm…

Hotties to the Rescue – I wonder if there are more hotties ready my blog around the world then I know about…because they all seem to be coming out to help Haiti. Want to help Haiti's earthquake victims? Do you enjoy the heavenly aroma of gently used women’s underwear? Well, not you can have the best of both worlds when you buy some women's underwear from Olympic snowboarding champion Hannah Teter. The 2006 Olympic halfpipe gold medalist said she was donating all her contest money this season to help the recovery effort in Haiti. After the last Olympics, Teter started a charitable mission through her website Hannah's Gold to help an impoverished town in Kenya acquire basic necessities like clean water. Since the devastating earthquake in Haiti, Teter has focused some of her efforts on contributing to the recovery effort there. "I have underwear coming out for charity. So all the ladies in here can get some sweet cheeks underwear soon -- sweetcheekspanties.com," Teter told reporters. The website says $5 from each pair of underwear sold will go to Doctors Without Borders for their efforts in Haiti, with a goal of raising $100,000 by May. Oh…so I thought this story was a little different and she was auctioning off some of her used undergarments. Sigh… Maybe she doesn’t understand how that can be used to help others too. Perhaps I will email her at Sweet Cheeks & give her my idea. And ladies…if you’re looking for a new crisp pair of undies, maybe consider Hannah’s Sweet Cheeks. I haven’t checked the prices yet but…it’s for Haiti. And Hannah, if you do read the blog, head my advice. You could really do a lot of good for those kids…and recycle some of those gold-stained undies.

Most Romantic Word? – Ladies & gentlemen, I’ve been told that I have a way with words…which is really remarkable since I have the vocabulary of a 5th grader (and not one of those spelling bee freaks). I’ve also been told that I have…a way with romance (by the way, that was said with a Spanish accent). So with those two compliments together, I would be an expert on romantic words, no? (Oh yes, the accent’s still there…and will continue throughout the story. Just picture a young Dennis Quaid with the voice of Antonio Benderas) Well, a survey was conducted by London-based Today Translations where they polled over 320 of their linguists to find what the most romantic words & languages were. Now I’m going to switch to Richard Dawson for a second…and then back to Antonio, “Survey says………..” - Amour, the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in this pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. It narrowly beat "amore," the Italian word for love, although Italian was named the world's most romantic language. Italian words also dominated the top places in the list of most romantic words "Bellissima," which is both Italian and Spanish for "very beautiful," was voted the third most romantic word, while "tesoro," which is both Italian and Spanish for "treasure" (as in "Mi tesoro" / "My treasure") came fourth (oh, so Tesoro’s not a gas station?). After Italian, they found the second-most romantic language was French, which was way ahead of Spanish (Que?) and English in joint third place. In the same poll, the firm asked its linguists to pick the least romantic-sounding way to say, "I love you" in any language. The winner was Japan's "watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu," ahead of the Welsh "rydw i'n dy garu di" and "qaparha," which, the firm noted, is Klingon, as spoken in the Star Trek universe (yes, alien languages were included). The “experts” have spoken. Do you agree? What are your favorite & most romantic words? Personally, amour and amore are all fine and dandy…but my favorite romantic word…is “Yes” or “Si” or “Ja” or any of those variations. A very close 2nd was “O’god!!!” Please, just call me $teve. Also, I’ve found…that if the girl you’re speaking to doesn’t know French or Italian or Spanish…then you can always whisper gibberish that sounds French in her ear…and if you say it right, she’ll melt her sweet, funky goodness all over you like hot Love gravy on a biscuit. As always, it’s not what you say…but how you say it. Go ahead, try it out…and you’re welcome. Ladies, if you don’t believe me…I’d be happy to take the Pepsi Challenge with ya.

Family & Bidness Don’t Mix – Isn’t it a shame when we have to buy Love? Well, without that market, we couldn’t have stories like this to lovingly mock. A Cedar Rapids, Iowa woman was accused of arranging her daughter's effort at prostitution. Mary J. Doolin (a.k.a. Sweet Mary Jane to Johns all over the 319 area code) was arrested Wednesday in connection with a September 29th incident in Coralville. Police said Doolin sent her daughter to meet an undercover officer who had contacted her during a prostitution investigation. According to police, Doolin's daughter, 37-year-old Debra Voshell, was later charged with pandering. Police said Doolin admitted to running a prostitution ring for a number of years (Really? This lady?) and has prior convictions for pimping and prostitution (a true success story, worked her way up & through that chalice ceiling). Doolin was being held Thursday in the Johnson County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. When are people going to learn that Family & Bidness don’t mix? Pimpin’ out your own daughter? That takes some gumption. Well, Miss Doolin, it’s hard out there for a pimp…and sometimes you gotta do the time for the crime. Hmm, maybe the daughter got into the business because of her family…but according to this next story, that simply shouldn’t be…

A Lesson in Passion - Parents who want their children to discover a passion for music, sports, or other hobbies (like turning tricks) should follow a simple plan: Don't pressure them. By allowing kids to explore activities on their own, parents not only help children pinpoint the pursuit that fits them best, but they can also prevent young minds from obsessing over an activity, a new study finds. "Passion comes from a special fit between an activity and a person," said Geneviève Mageau, a psychology professor at the University of Montreal. "You can't force that fit; it has to be found." The study focused on what psychologists call autonomy, the basic need to feel like you're acting based on your own values and desires, not those of others. Controlling parents chip away at their child's autonomy, by pushing them into a hobby, the researchers say. So when the kid picks up his clarinet it's not out of a desire to play music, but due to a sense of obligation or a fear of disappointing his parents, according to Mageau. To connect passion to autonomy, Mageau and colleagues performed three studies in which they surveyed hundreds of athletes and musicians ages 6 to 38 with different skill levels. The surveys asked questions about the subjects' level of passion, such as how often they practiced a hobby or how much they loved it. The psychologists then measured how much volunteers agreed with statements such as, "I have a tough time controlling my need to do this activity" to determine if their passion was obsessive and interfering with other aspects of their lives. To measure autonomy, the researchers also asked participants whether they agreed with statements such as, "I have a say in what happens and can voice my opinions regarding my activity." In one study, the researchers followed 196 middle-school students as they picked up a musical instrument for the first time. After five months, the psychologists found that one major variable that predicted whether children developed a passion for music was if their parents allowed them the freedom to practice on their own schedule. The passionate kids on average scored 9% greater on the autonomy scale than the non-passionate kids, which is a big effect in a psychology study, Mageau said. The two other studies also showed that children who had little autonomy but did develop a passion for an activity were more likely than others to take it too far, becoming obsessed with the hobby. Not only could these children miss out on truly enjoying their hobby, the result could grate on their self-esteem, according to the researchers. Obsessively passionate people attach their self-esteem to the pastime: If they play the clarinet flawlessly one night, they feel great, but if they miss a note, they can get depressed. One of the three studies involved swimmers, skiers and musicians performing at a national level. Results showed that the participants' level of autonomy best predicted if they had an obsessive passion compared to a harmonious one, with higher autonomy linked with harmonious passions. This freedom mattered more than the child's own desire to specialize in their hobby. The difference between forming a healthy and an unhealthy passion is to strike a balance between, say, the clarinet and hanging out with friends. "They don't see [the activity] as defining their whole self. It's a big part of who they are, but they have other interests too." But the study's results don't mean parents should let their kids run wild. "I'm not telling parents to let their kids do whatever they want without limits. The most important message is to focus on the child's interests and not to impose one's own on them." Interesting results, huh? Yup, everybody wants to make their own decision…and that’s how it probably should be. Help them with the information, let them explore the options, and let them make the decision on their own. That’s all you can really do.

When I was reading this, I thought about stuff that I’m passionate about…and was passionate about growing up. Basketball, yeah my dad put up the hoop…but he never pushed me to do anything. Hell, I was the one pushing him to play pickup games when I was eight years old. By the time I was twelve, he didn’t want to play anymore because he was tired of the neighborhood dads making fun of him for losing to a preteen. “Why don’t you give it a shot, Mr. Alexander? You want next, ya p**sy?” Nobody makes fun of my dad except me…and maybe my stepmom. Growing up, I was really into learning school stuff too. I was passionate about learning math (calculus in 6th grade), history, dinosaurs, animals, wrote episodes of Batman and silly mini-action movies, all that kind of stuff…and my teachers didn’t push me. Heck, I only remember one that would let me go to the computer room to type up stories when I finished my math work in like five minutes when there was over an hour given to it. If I ever write a book (which has been suggested a few times), I’ll be sure to give Mrs. Ulibarri a shout-out. Oh wait, I think I just did. I just wanted to learn & pretend or something. Sure, my parents didn’t mind that I was a little kooky with wanting to do homework first thing when I got home, then go play basketball with my friends or whatever. Hell, it was probably the easiest part of their day. I was raising myself. Let’s see, what else am I passionate about. Oh yeah, p**sy. NOBODY’S pressuring me on that, yet every waking hour… Anyway, enough about that. You get the point. How about you? What are you passionate about…and any back-story that you think might be applicable?

Can’t wait to see your remarks. That’ll do it for today. Wish me luck this weekend as I boldly go where…I’ve probably never gone before. Will it be Sac Town? West Shore? Reno? Yosemite? All the way to San Francisco? We shall see. Send your suggestions in with your Passions. Have a passionate & incredible weekend everybody!!!

Why Children Will Destroy the Future

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today at work, I had a training class on Interviewing. Now as you know, I like interviewing...because it's about my favorite subject besides sex, ME!!! Don't worry, I didn't share my many wonderful and entertaining examples of how interviewing can go wrong...but it was a fun and helpful class nonetheless. Probably the only part that you might find entertaining was during the introduction, the speaker asked us to say our names, company background...and where we wanted to be in 5 years. Pretty open-ended question, right? Well, of course, I thought it'd be a good time to mention a small portion of my grand scheme. "Hello, my name is $teve, I'm a Taurus, I've been with the company for over nine years now...but in this position for three months. Actually had a few interviews scheduled over the next few weeks...and ugh, in five years, I'm hoping to grow and stay with the company for the benefits...but earn my millions independently by writing a series of children's books & romance novels...or being the new host of Jeopardy when Trebek retires...or opening a gentlemen's club in my basement...or selling a few movie scripts...or all of the above." Apparently I lacked focus...but kept my options opens. I'll be sure to keep you all posted on my progress.

So last night, I represented my company in that "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" competition with the corporate games here in Slick City. Here's the problem that came up: You must have a team of at least two people...and the people who were on my team bailed at the last minute...so it was just me. Okay, we'll go to see if they'll allow just me. No go. So about ten minutes before the competition starts, I'm calling coworkers to stop by just to sign up and waste an hour or so...though I'd keep them thoroughly entertained. I was able to convince Kimmie (from the Incubus concert) to stop by...but yeah, she was just there to observe and give me somebody to talk to while I answered the questions. Long story short, we (by which I mean I) finished 4th...but in my own perspective, I feel that I won...because I did better than the Salt Lake School District team...and they're supposed to be teaching the stuff. So take that!!!

Last night after the competition, I finally watched a show that I had heard about...but because it was in that FOX Friday night timeslot of death, I hadn't been able to see it until it came out on DVD. The series is called "Dollhouse" and it has all the ingredients to entice me. It stars superhottie Eliza Dushku ("Tru Calling", "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back") and is written / directed by Joss Whedon ("Buffy" & "Firefly") but I had no idea what it was about. Luckily, JL Clyde explained to me that it's about "Secret government agency that has a group of “dolls,” i.e. pretty boys and girls (mainly girls) who have no memories and are able to be programmed to do anything. They are hired out to do various tasks and what not, and then come “home” to the “dollhouse” where they are nearly mindless creatures who are looked after by scientists." My response: "You had me at pretty girls who have no memories." So yeah, that's what it's about...and three episodes into it, I really really like it. It's kind of like a mix of "Heroes" & "Tru Calling" but with Joss Whedon's touches...and let's face it, I could watch Eliza Dushku read the phone book all f**king day and night. Anyway, I'd recommend that you check it out based on the three episodes that I've seen...and probably a few that I'll watch tonight. Now for some news...

Goldmember - A Saudi businessman has purchased what is being described by the Canadian seller as the world's most expensive adult novelty item -- a solid 18-carat gold penis enlarger worth nearly $50,000. X4 Labs, a Canadian manufacturer of medical devices, received the unorthodox request and recruited a Montreal custom jeweler to help with its design and construction. "This male health accessory is the most expensive traction device ever produced and will likely become a historical benchmark for the adult novelty industry," the company said in a statement. Little is known about the buyer, except that he lives in Jeddah. His glitzy new penis enlarger, however, is being encrusted at his request with 40 diamonds and several rubies and is to be delivered by armored car in October, said Rick Oh, X4 Labs co-owner. Saudi law bans the import of adult sex toys, but the company insists its product is a US government certified medical device (there's loophole for everything). Such devices normally retail for less than $400 (or so I'm told) but according to Oh this custom order is expected to cost about $47,000. "It's an unusual request. We didn't take it seriously at first, but once he sent us a deposit, we had to agree to it. Obviously, there were giggles initially when we presented our project to a jeweler and asked him for help." But the seemingly lavish device was actually conceived for a practical purpose, Oh explained. "We were approached by the customer who insisted on a solid gold version of our product because he claimed to have a severe skin allergy to stainless steel." Later, the buyer asked to add diamonds and rubies to it...assumingly just because he could...and face it, you probably would too if you had that kind of cash. The company intends to now offer all customers custom designs for their male novelty devices, although it states it is "uncertain as to whether this will become a trend." Product coordinator Matt West said he "is convinced that there is a demographic that is willing to pay for lavish medical devices for their private areas... to pay good money to spoil themselves. There is something tremendously selfish about the male ego, and subsequently 50,000-dollar orders may become the norm for companies like X4 Labs," he said. Yeah, good luck canuck. Let me know how that goes...especially when I happen to know that you won't entertain certain orders involving panda fur. Endangered my ass!!! I'm saving the f**king species. I should at least get a little piece of the action.

How to Save the Planet - Since we were talking about sexual things (as happens so rarely on this blog), I thought I'd let you know about this ditty. For people who are looking for ways to reduce their "carbon footprint," here's one radical idea that could have a big long-term impact, some scientists say: Have fewer kids. A study by statisticians at Oregon State University (GO BEAVERS!!!) concluded that in the United States, the carbon legacy and greenhouse gas impact of an extra child is almost 20 times more important than some of the other environment-friendly practices people might employ during their entire lives - things like driving a high mileage car, recycling, or using energy-efficient appliances and light bulbs. Team member Paul Murtaugh explains, "In discussions about climate change, we tend to focus on the carbon emissions of an individual over his or her lifetime. Those are important issues and it's essential that they should be considered...but an added challenge facing us is continuing population growth and increasing global consumption of resources." Reproductive choices haven't gained as much attention in the consideration of human impact to the Earth, Murtaugh said. When an individual produces a child - and that child potentially produces more descendants in the future - the effect on the environment can be many times the impact produced by a person during their lifetime. Under current conditions in the United States, for instance, each child ultimately adds about 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the carbon legacy of an average parent - about 5.7 times the lifetime emissions for which, on average, a person is responsible. The impact doesn't only come through increased emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases - larger populations also generate more waste and tax water supplies.Other offbeat environmental impacts have been in the news recently:

One 2007 study found that divorce squanders resources, because people who once shared resources such as energy now use twice as much under two roofs.

The current obesity epidemic may also be hurting the climate, because food production is a major contributor to global warming.

The impact of having children differs between countries. While some developing nations have much higher populations and rates of population growth than the United States, their overall impact on the global carbon equation is often reduced by shorter life spans and less consumption. The long-term impact of a child born to a family in China is less than one-fifth the impact of a child born in the United States, the study found. However, as the developing world increases both its population and consumption levels, this equation may even out. "China and India right now are steadily increasing their carbon emissions and industrial development, and other developing nations may also continue to increase as they seek higher standards of living," Murtaugh said. The researchers note that they are not advocating government controls or intervention on population issues (yet...but we'll see when Al Gore gets a hold of this information), but say they simply want to make people aware of the environmental consequences of their reproductive choices (aka guilt you into not having children). "Many people are unaware of the power of exponential population growth," Murtaugh said. "Future growth amplifies the consequences of people's reproductive choices today, the same way that compound interest amplifies a bank balance." Murtaugh's findings are detailed in a 2009 issue of the journal Global Environmental Change. So there you go. Scientists trying to guilt you into keeping it in your pants...or practicing safe sex...perhaps using their products. Haven't had enough?

Kids Are Expensive - A middle-income family can expect to spend $291,570 including inflation to raise a child born in 2008 to adulthood, the government estimated on Tuesday, up slightly from the estimate made a year ago. That's roughly SIX solid gold penis enlargers (though I assume you'd get some kind of discount ordering six). The estimate covers food, shelter and other necessities for a child to age 18, said the annual report by the Agriculture Department. The figure does not include the cost of childbirth or college. Housing accounts for one-third of expenditures on children. Food accounts for 16%, the same as child care and education, said the Expenditures on Children by Families report. Last year, the USDA estimated it would cost $269,040 to raise a child born in 2007 to age 18, including inflation. The USDA has made the estimates since 1960, when the estimated cost was $25,300 (yeah, that's less than $1600 a year). That's probably why my mom was one of 17 kids, my dad was one of eight...and I was one of two. The department said it planned to have an updated "Cost of Raising a Child Calculator" on the Internet soon. Annual spending for child-rearing ranges from $11,610 to $13,480 for a middle-income, two-parent family, the USDA said. Families with lower incomes will spend less and families with higher incomes spend more (duuuuuh). Expenses are highest in cities in the U.S. Northeast, followed by urban areas of the West and Midwest. They are lowest in rural America and cities in the South. Okay, so those last few sentences were pretty pointless and pretty obvious...but yeah, just thought I'd share that information with you. Does this mean that I don't want kids? Hell no. I love kids. Especially those that I'm not personally responsible for (see Kairi & Vinny among others). I'm not even saying that you should be hesitant to have children if that's truly what you want...because from what I understand, there's nothing like it. It's pretty much the greatest thing that you can do...and it passes along your legacy. However, just be aware that it is an incredible burden financially and to your precious free time (directed at my brother's crack whore wife) and I just want to make sure that you're prepared for that. Also, if you'd rather not have kids but like the other side effects of coitus, please practice safe sex. Anyway, that's my public service announcement for the day. What better way to follow that...than with a WARNING!!!

Apocalypse Update - There were a couple of things wrong with Katie Prewitt's Geo Tracker. There was the rope that seemed to hang from the car's undercarriage...and then that hissing noise; maybe a faulty emissions valve. She took the car into her husband's Klamath Falls, Oregon body shop, but Dave Prewitt wasn't quite sure what to make of the problem, either. He called his friend Martin Schenck, who works across the street at Downtown Automotive, looking for a little help. That's when they saw it: A flash of movement inside the engine, a slithering sort of movement. "It didn't take too long to figure out that sticking our hands in any part wasn't a good idea," Schenck said, who's been working with automobiles for 28 years. The "rope," it turned out, was an angry 3-foot diamondback rattlesnake. How it got there or why is anybody's guess, but it probably snuggled up to the Tracker's warm V6 engine while Prewitt had the vehicle parked at her Pine Grove home. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service biologist Trisha Roninger said a rattlesnake seeking out such a habitat is unusual. "They're looking for warmth, usually for basking, so that's really bizarre, especially with as warm as it's been in the Klamath Basin," Roninger said. However odd, the snake was still there and Schenck was set on getting it out. He and Dave Prewitt tried squirting it with water as a crowd began to form around the commotion. No dice. Every time someone got close to the vehicle, the buzzing sound started. "It knew when you were getting close to the rig. We assumed it could see us through holes or something." Eventually, the snake's rattling tail slipped out over the right front tire. Schenck grabbed a shovel and another tool — some makeshift chopsticks — and pulled the snake out. He used the shovel to pin the rattler to the ground. The rattle continued buzzing while the snake hissed and snapped at the air. "It was very upset," Schenck said. Schenck decapitated the snake and the Prewitts took the rattle as a memento...and probably formed a belt from the hide. They weren't charged for the service in exchange. So you see, the Serpentine Revolution has crossed the Pacific and moved to the American Northwest. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Think I'm going to watch some more "Dollhouse" tonight and tomorrow, who knows? It's Friday. Have a great day everybody!!! Sex safely...and because I can...here are some more pictures of Eliza Dushku. Ahhh, the little girl from "True Lies" is all grown up now...

The internet's a wonderful & creepy place

I've often wondered if there's a picture of me naked on the internet

There we go! That's much better!!!

A Thousand Monkeys on Typewriters

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Unfortunately, I have to start the day off with some sad news. Actor David Carradine passed away earlier today in an apparent suicide at a hotel in Bangkok (then again, Bangkok's a crazy place...so he might've been involved in some underground kickboxing sh*t for all we know). The 72-year old actor is best known for his roles as Grasshopper in the "Kung Fu" TV series...and later as Bill in the "Kill Bill" movies by Quentin Tarantino. He was a cultural icon and seeker of life...and if it truly was a suicide, then it is truly an unfortunate end for this great man.

Today also marked the 20th anniversary of the protest at Tiananmen Square which ended in a horrible tragedy of human rights (like many things in China) but this one was televised. You all know, the one with the kid standing in front of the tanks with a copy of the Constitution (maybe the Declaration of Independence). Yeah, twenty years ago. A lot has changed along the Beijing skyline since then...but then again, not a whole lot on the human rights front. Enjoy the Freedoms that you have, ladies & gentlemen.

Well, in other news, it's on like Donkey Kong. Now I have to write a book. Why? Because JL Clyde thinks that her next great American novel (whatever the subject or story may be) will sell better than the smut novel, collection of erotica or children's story that I can whip up. I honestly hope that she proves me wrong and sells a million copies before I do...but then again, I hate to lose...especially to a literature major. So I will let you know when the first Dr Mookie Love publications hits a Barnes & Noble near you...because I know that's JL Clyde's favorite store as well...and I'll be sure to do a book signing or two. You know, get the good looks & charm out there to sell even more books...because I'm winning this thing. Now to just decide on a format. Maybe you guys can help me out. You're familiar with my writing style. What do you think I would be best suited for?

Gritty Suspenseful Thriller - I'm thinking a series of detective novels...like CSI...but without having to look at David Caruso or Lieutenant Dan the whole show. You can imagine whatever you want with vague descriptions of the characters so that the story morphs to what the reader wants...and of course there are the clever twists, one-liners, sultry love interest, running monologues by the protagonist, and all the other wonderful things that readers look for in these books. Just need to work on the protagonist a bit...but I'm thinking somebody along my line of work. You know, private dick by day...and professional dick by night. A Gumshoe & a Gigolo...and of course the two words collide somehow during the case. Hmm, gotta be careful not to give away too much of the method.

Comedic Screenplay - Already have one of these typed up from years ago...and most of its pretty damn funny...but it was one of those things when I had a funny thought, I just threw it in there so I wouldn't forget it later on...you know, for a sequel or spinoff or entirely new project. Comedy's probably the easiest for me to write (as you may have noticed) but unless I'm writing for the Tonight Show or the Daily Show or something, it doesn't really matter now does it? Maybe I'll just stick to entertaining emails for friends & family...and when / if I move to Hollywood, and run into Seth Rogen or one of "the guys that brought you the 40 year old virgin" then maybe I'll drop my screenplay on them (patent pending) and see what's up with that. Just to be clear on the rules of the wager, it's a million books sold...and as I've said literally thousands of times in my life, "Why buy the book when you can watch the movie?" So you drop the book first, then make the movie after a million are sold. Doesn't work quite as well with comedies...but there are exceptions.

Collection of Erotic Stories - At this point, I would also like to mention another stipulation of the wager. It's a million books sold...NOT a million books of the same story. So let's say, I get a loyal audience of 100,000 sex-crazed maniacs (which if you think about it...is only one in 4000 Americans...and thanks to the internet, an even smaller fraction of Europeans) and they buy one of each of my series of ten collections of erotic stories (Believe me, I can write this stuff all day) then poof, I win the bet with a little quantity over quality perhaps...but still, an exceptional product given the format and most importantly, I win.

Romance Novel - Heater, Bubbles and a few others out there can tell you that I've already written a brief story for one of these...but I can definitely expand that story...and pull a few others out of my creative crack. Being a hopeless romantic myself, I know what the people want...and can deliver...especially when logic isn't part of the equation. You want a romance novel for teenagers with vampires, I'll give you Twilight. You want one targeted at housewives in the Midwest, I'll bring in some wandering ranch workers...with a twist. I can do it. I mean...the one I already wrote was involving the Pope. THE POPE, ladies & gentlemen...in a romance novel...and it's magnificent.

Children's Story - This would be a lot of fun to do...because I could get my brother to do the illustrations...though his style seems to be a little more...anime or Heavy Metal hardcore influence than your standard children's tales...but then again, that could be the niche that sets us apart in the industry...then we'd both be rich & be able to provide for my nieces & nephew...and maybe (forty years down the road at the rate that I'm going) my own children. I actually wrote a children's book AND illustrated it when I was 16 but never got to read it to the kindergarten class that it was intended for (because of that big car accident that I was in the morning of our visit) but I was told that the kids really enjoyed it (and believe me, they probably liked the pictures because they looked like they were drawn by a kindergartner). I've blogged before about this possibility...but I can also pull out something with a title like "The Panda Who Couldn't Read Good" or something to promote cultural tolerance like "We All Poo Brown" or something like that. I also like the idea of writing a sex educational book for teenagers titled "Why You're Here Because Your Mom Is A Superfreak" (and it promotes proper use of you're & your). You'd buy it wouldn't ya...or at least skim through it...and look at all the pretty illustrations courtesy of Brother Love.

Pop-Up Picture Book - Basically the same thing as "Children's Story" but with more interactive pages. That's right, think about "Why You're Here Because Your Mom Is A Superfreak" as a Pop-Up Book. Go ahead...let your imagination free.

The Next Great American Novel - Would I try to go toe-to-toe with her in writing the next great American novel? Sure, she asks me how to spell words like "khakis" and "Virtuosity" for her Twitter page or whatever...but do I have the testicular fortitude to try to beat her at her own game by trying to win literary awards and become some pretentious artist living in Paris? Or am I more of the person that would call her from my vacation in Martinique utilizing my amazing wealth from just scoring a movie deal based on my series of children's books about a little girl archeologist who gets sucked back in time to study dinosaurs first-hand with a time traveling scientist (probably played by Gary Oldman)? I think we all know the answer to that...and not just because I think Paris is dirty, full of pricks and has a distinct urine smell wherever you go within the city (and yes, I can smell it...which means it's horrible).

Autobiography - I often think to myself "If my life had an autobiography, would anybody read it?" Frankly, I probably wouldn't even read it...which is why I haven't written an autobiography since it was an assignment back in the 2nd grade...and it was mostly "My name is Steve. My birthday is April 26th. I was born in Funkatron, Utah..." and so on. Nothing really awesome for a seven year old to talk about. Now, twenty years later, I can at least BS on a blog about little things that happened...but it's not like I'm doing anything spectacular. Then again, I've always wanted to free Quebec from the tyrannical oppression of Canada. Perhaps that will be my ticket to a great autobiography (and Lilie will have to be my translator). "VIVA DOCTOR LOVE!!! VIVA QUEBEC!!!! VIVA DOCTOR LOVE!!! VIVA QUEBEC!!!"

Horror Story - I know all the tricks to making a good horror movie...but can I translate it over to a verbal format? Can I paint a creepy canvas like fellow $teve, Stephen King? Can I cause somebody to literally sh*t themselves in fear through words? God, that'd be awesome...but I don't think I have the ability to do that. It may be worth a shot though...and there's definitely a market of people out there wanting to be scared. I mean...just look at haunted houses...and why else do you think they make horror movies? Because they're cheap to make so they cover the cost opening weekend because young men & women are looking for an excuse to get scared and get all close in a movie theatre setting? That's ridiculous. By the way, when's "Jennifer's Body" coming out again?

Travel Journal - This may be the kind of book that I'm most qualified for...but I would have to have a wealthy man or woman funding my adventures...but I'd make it worth their while with interesting adventures into the touristy stuff and the not-so-touristy to the straight up weird, hysterical historical facts about the region, beautiful pictures of landscape & landmarks (and a few of signs that are funny to me & the occasion local hottie) and I know how to travel on a budget...and I'd be pretty good eye candy for any spin-off show on the Travel Channel. That is...if you don't want Samantha Brown doing every single show on your network. Hell, we could even share a show. She can do the shopping...and I can do the crazy sh*t. We could even call the show "$teve Does Crazy Sh*t...with Samantha Brown" which might be up there with my "Nutbusters" idea with Kari Byron...but again, that's back to shows...and I'm talking about books. That's the challenge, so that's what I'm going for...and I'm gonna win it damn it...then get the show / movie.

Movie Reviews - I can see it now, "Dr Love's Reviews of Movies for People Who Don't Want to Waste Two Hours Watching Crap" complete with overall reviews given by a system of upthrusting & down-dangling bodily appendages (like Siskel & Ebert's thumbs up and/or down...but sexier) and for those that can read, maybe even a few thoughts about the movie...and questions for them to ponder to enhance the experience. Think about it, you can read this one page review (probably full of pictures of the love interest Hollywood starlet in the film) and it can save you up to three hours (maybe more if it's a TV series...you know, volume 2) of waiting for nothing interesting to happen...or finding out the the big twist at the end is disappointing (think "The Village"). This could revolutionize the world. I can't believe that somebody hasn't thought of this before. What's that? Oh they did? Ebert has a few books out like that? And dozens of other critics? Do they have my style though? Well there you go. Just saying, it's a possibility.

How To Books - "How To Sell A Million Books" by Dr Mookie Love. You'll have to buy it to get the secret.

So there are just a few options that I thought of while working an eight-hour shift with plenty of interruptions (yes, there'd probably be a LOT more if that was not the case, for my mind tends to wander all over the place). Please let me know what you think...and more importantly, what you would buy. Who knows, you may get a complimentary copy signed by the author before it hits the shelves of JL Clyde's favorite store, Barnes & Noble. Don't worry JL, you'll get a first edition copy too...just to remind you if nothing else.

THIS FRIDAY (as in tomorrow) will be Lilie's Welcome Back Rock Band Party at my new pimpin' apartment, so please let me know if you're interested in attending...and I'll be texting and/or calling later today to see as well. It's gonna be good old fashioned rock & roll fun...and maybe a little funk too...and a few tasty beverages. Come one, come all. Other than that, just another day another dollar at work. Now, please bow your heads for a moment of silence for Mr. David Carradine...and those who died 20 years ago in Beijing wanting what we have. Have a great day everybody!!! God bless...

Wiseman Says Only Fools Rush In

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I have some sad news to report. I started off the interview yesterday with flying colors. The interviewer was asking me the typical interview questions…and I was smooth & eloquent in my responses, staying away from my over-confident pompous nature…but still letting him know that I knew my sh*t. Then he asked me about my current job and why I'm looking to transfer…so I was honest and explained that I had been interested in his department before…but was looking for something a little more hands-on and personal with the customer in my career…which is exactly what his focus on that department was. He asked me what I thought "vacations and how they can change someone's life" and I busted all over his face like a Jackson Pollack painting…well, over the phone.

Basically, interviewing bullsh*t is like breathing to me…but again, I didn't need it for this one. I could tell over the phone that this guy wanted nothing more than to get me signed up and on his department's team as soon as possible. He knew that he was getting an over-qualified gem to fill basically an entry level position with his company. Hell, I was more qualified than he was…and he knew it…he had the resume. Then he made the mistake of asking if I had any questions for him…and I said, "What're you wearing?" I don't know why. Instincts maybe…but I was just admiring myself in my Barcelona green suit with lavender shirt off a reflective surface and was curious what the dress code was…but maybe I should've rephrased the question a little bit. Anyway, after that, there was an eerie silence on the phone…so I thought maybe the connection was lost (I was on a cell phone). "Hello, can you hear me?" "God, I hope not. What…what was that question again?" "What are you wearing? Like…what's the dress code there?" "Oh. It's ugh…business casual. You know, collared shirts, stuff like that. Nothing major." Okay, so that didn't really happen at all. I just wanted to mess with you guys. Happy April Fool's Day. The interview lasted…about fifteen minutes…and I was magnificent in every single way…and he offered me the job on the spot…and at the maximum wage possible. I accepted it…and he's aware that I'm looking elsewhere…but he was just like "I'd be thrilled to have you on my team…but I understand the circumstances…so just let me know what you decide as soon as you know." So yeah, I officially have a safety net back home. See? Less than a week and no need to worry about me.

That being said, I went to the gym last night for a few hours (basketball, weights & Spin class) and then got home, just kind of glanced around the apartment…and it hit me. It took a week to finally sink in, I guess…but I was being fired…and as of now, I'm basically taking a step back in my career…and I'm all alone in the big city…and I haven't had a real relationship in three years…and I smell funky (did just get back from the gym & hadn't showered yet) and I'm going to have to move…and I'm going to miss my apartment…and I’m overqualified for the job that I'm probably going to have to take…and then Bubbles called and told me that she wasn't going to be able to stop by my first weekend of unemployment…and a lot of people have been asking me about my plans…and I get their looks of pity…but I reassure them that I'm going to be okay…but instead of going into the whole explanation, to save time I just want to say "I got f**king fired and now I'm going to the highest bidder…like a hired gun in the Old West. Know any takers?" and so I basically broke down for a few seconds…and there was tears (first ones about the whole situation) and then my mom called asking what hotel she was staying at in LA last night…so I reminded her…but I kind of snapped at her…so she said she'd call me later…so then I felt bad because I snapped at my mom…so I apologized a little later when she was at the hotel and we talked for about an hour…and of course, by the time that was done, I was fine and had let out a good cry. I'm over it now. I know what needs to be done…and I know that I'm incredibly blessed in just about every single possible way. It just kind of all caught up…and it probably didn't help that I had spent the last two hours at the gym, basically attacking the rim, universal machines & bicycle…and hadn't eaten in about eight hours. So yeah, that was yesterday. An interesting mix of highs & lows…though everything was just about what I expected it to be. In like a lamb, out like a lion or something like that.

I've also been getting everything in order for the California trip starting tomorrow night. As of now, I'm hoping that Lilie gets over her cold so that we can have fun at Disneyland & Knott's Berry Farm over the weekend. Also, the Wingmans may be meeting up with us for the last few days down in San Diego. On top of all that, I'll be going with my mom, aunt & cousin everywhere. It's good to have a 12-year old with you when you go to places like Disneyland & Legoland. It makes you seem, less creepy than a good-looking single guy just aimlessly wandering around a children's theme park & super excited about the smallest things. "CINDERELLY, CINDERELLY!!! Can I have my picture taken with you? Oh man, I dropped my Goofy hat, would you mind picking that up for me?" Snap a picture. "Thank you. Say hi to your stepmom for me." Okay, so I'm going to be a little creepy regardless…but I'm going to have fun…and that's what the police report will show. Who knows, maybe I'll make my own blog in a news story as the man who was caught climbing the Matterhorn…or swimming down the log ride without a log…but I'll be sure not to drink the water.

A few nights ago, I watched "What Just Happened?" which was directed by Barry Levinson and starred Robert DeNiro, Bruce Willis, Catherine Keener, Stanley Tucci, Sean Penn, Robin Wright Penn, John Turturro, and Kristen Stewart…yet I'm sure that you've probably never heard of it. Well, it's a semi-independent picture from a smaller label than usual…but it's basically a story about a big time Hollywood producer (DeNiro) and his everyday life of dealing with prima donna actors (Willis & Penn as themselves), their agents (Turturro), executives (Keener), his ex-wife (lady Penn), his daughter (Stewart), directors, therapists and everything else…and just how the Hollywood machine is about making money and what happens when people try to bring art into it. It has its funny moments…and has a valid point. It's based on a book by a former producer (forget the name) so yeah, it's an okay movie. Not entirely enthralling…but if you're interested in the movie making process like I am, it's kind of interesting. Then again, if you just like to see blockbusters with conventional characters, big explosions, witty sidekicks and the happy ending, then this may not be the flick for you.

Last night, I watched another one of my favorite classics (I was having a bad day). It was the 1953 romantic comedy "Roman Holiday" starring Gregory Peck and the lovely Audrey Hepburn. It's about a bored and sheltered princess (Hepburn) who's on a goodwill trip across Europe and is making a stop in Rome. She basically escapes from the embassy and wanders the streets at night…but because they gave her a sleep aid shortly before she attempted this, she gets woozy and rests on a bench in the middle of the city. Along walks by reporter Joe Bradley (Peck) who sees this young girl alone, asleep on a bench…and of course, takes her home (okay, so it was after trying to find out where she lives & she's speaking gibberish about living at the embassy). Anyway, the next morning, she's still sleeping and he has to go to work to interview the princess…but she's fallen "ill" and he sees a picture of this princess…and realizes it's the girl laid up in this apartment. SCOOP!!! So he spends the day with her and they see the sights of the town, all while he's just trying to get a story…but then something happens in the magic of the Eternal City…and they start to fall for each other. Yet they have these terrible secrets that they can't tell the other who they are…so what shall they do? What will happen? Rent the movie and find out. Great flick.

Basically, while I was watching the movie this time, I was just watching and remembering my two trips to Rome (and my romance novel that I wrote about the Pope to entertain Heater a few years back) and how blessed I have been to experience all these wonderful places & cultures in my life. When they were checking out the Coliseum, scaling the Spanish Steps, strolling past the Fountain of Trevi, putting their hand in the Mouth of Truth, I even recognized a few of the streets they were on…and where the bridge over the Arno River where the barge dance was…and I thought of not just Rome…but all the other beautiful cities that I've seen around the world like Florence, Venice, Naples, Athens, Paris, Giverny, Cannes, London, Edinburgh, Shanghai, Xian, Chengdu, Beijing, Salzburg, Engelberg, Barcelona, Munich, Montreal, Toronto, Niagara Falls, Miami, New York, New Orleans, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Washington DC, all over Florida, Denver, the Black Hills of South Dakota, Boston, San Diego, Memphis, St Louis, Dallas, San Antonio, Las Vegas (like a dozen times easy), all these wonderful places that people dream of going to…and I've had the privilege of seeing them…and feeling them…and just taking in all they have to offer. However, I have yet to experience a place like this with somebody special in a romantic setting. I haven't been with my princess on any of these trips. Sure, I've been to these places with my mom, family, friends, coworkers and had a great time with all of them…but I've yet to have one of those magical vacations where it's just me & my lady, wandering the streets at nights, sharing our little inside jokes, having a romantic dinner at a quaint little cafe with good wine, sharing the awe of natural beauty, witnessing incredible achievements of human dedication & perseverance and thinking "You know, we can do anything…as long as we do it together" and all of that usual lubby dubby stuff. It never fails. I'll travel to a place like Niagara Falls…and just be in awe of the majestic beauty surrounding me…and I'll think "I wish I could share this with somebody" and I'll glance around at all the couple celebrating their 30th anniversary and stuff like that…and I'll think "F**k you and your happiness." Okay, so I don't really think that. Just checking to see if you're still reading my gibberish. It's really more along the lines of "That's sweet. Geez, for me to have a 30th anniversary, I could meet the perfect girl tomorrow…and it still wouldn't happen until I'm into my sixties. Sigh…"

I'm not worried though. I believe in all that Fate and Love and all that…so I know that lucky girl will find me someday…or I'll find her…and then we can jet set across the globe…and share those memorable kisses under the Eiffel Tower or whatever…and fall in Love…and raise a family…and age gracefully into the Golden Years together…and all that other stuff…or it won't. Whatever will be, will be. I've got faith though…so we'll see. New adventures all the time in the world of $teve, so I'll just keep you posted…unless it gets a little too steamy and people ask for discretion…but that really hasn't been necessary yet. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet some Cali girl that's impressed by my child-like giddiness and silly smoothness. Stranger things have happened. I mean…Jim Carrey's with Jenny McCarthy. Think about that one for about…three seconds. Hot, right? Anyway, have a great day everybody!!! Thanks for listening to me ramble on about whatever.