Monday, July 27, 2009

Back When Settling Wasn't Frowned Upon

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Pioneer Day back on Friday everybody!!! What's Pioneer Day? You may be asking that if you're a fairly new reader of the blog and have never lived in Utah...but Pioneer Day is the celebration of...well, I don't remember specifically what the day July 24th refers to...but it's either the day that Utah became a state back in 1896...or it's the day that a band of Mormons led by Brigham Young (and his 23 wives, no joke) were traveling westward from Missouri, had just passed through the merciless Rocky Mountains, came out the other end, saw a barren desert with a salt water lake that smelled like a dead cat left in the warsh (as Bubbles would say) and said, "This is the Place. That's it. I'm not going any further. We're gonna stay right here. Unload these wagons." "But Brother Young, this is not the coast." "DO YOU SEE WHAT LIES AHEAD, Brother Jones? Feel free to continue...but I'm tired of this journey. Wait, wait (looks to the sky) What's that? Right here? Okey dokey. There, God just told me to set up a city right here." "Wow Brother Young. What shall we call it?" "Ugh...we'll ugh...call it. (Looks around at the landscape with a salty desert) Salt...and ugh, there's the lake...Salt. Lake. City. Salt Lake City." "That sounds...kind of lame." "Are you calling God's will lame?" "NO! No, of course not. Salt Lake City's a great name for a city." And thus a city was born...and the definition of the word Settler. Join us next time when I'll explain the origins of San Diego, discovered by the Germans in 1904...and the name San Diego is German for "the whale's vagina." It's really a beautiful tale of Forbidden Love...and sauerkraut.

Thursday night, JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist & I went to the Hookah Lounge downtown to watch my buddy Spitsofrantic perform (briefly after about two hours or waiting) and we had a merry time of catching up and enjoying a few adult beverages. An added bonus was that Spitso's older brother Jack was there, so we played some pool and I introduced him to my friends. One of which he had apparently wanted to meet for a few years. See, Jack used to work with us up until about two years ago...and he had been fascinated by JL Clyde's fashion sense. "Dude, who is that? I've been wanting to meet her for years." "Oh, well then I'll introduce you two." "Anybody who can pull off skirts and combat boots...I just have to meet." After that, I went home and slept like a baby...but with some freaky dreams. I won't bore you with the details...but it was like I was in a pretty horrible horror flick (though my supporting cast was mainly big-breasted women from all over the world) and it...well, here I'll just tell ya what I remember. Details of this weekend with the Wingmans are gonna have to wait until next time...

So it starts out that a few friends (though I don't recall seeing them before) and I buy a new house...and it's pretty standard, white walls, probably a three-bedroom, two-bath, nothing exceptional at all...except for this REALLY steep driveway that leads directly into the garage. I mean like...45-degree angle at least. Anyway, our first night there, some strange things are happening...like I hear one of the girls scream from outside, go running out there...and she's screaming at a splatter of blood on the garage wall...but there's not body or anything. "Oh my God!!!" I grab the nearest possible weapon...which appears to be little birdhouse or hummingbird feeder that was sticking out of the garden. Don't worry, it was only temporary. "Alright everyone, I don't know where that came from...but let's get back in the house and call the cops. Does anybody have a cell phone?" The only other dude said, "That's just corn syrup." "So some kids are being assholes...but just to be safe, let's get back inside." We sidestep in a group towards the front door. One of the girls scream, "It's locked. Who has a key?" "I'm in my jammies. Who'd lock the door?" I toss her my keys. BANG!!! The girls scream as one of the windows blows out...and they all kind of run off back towards the garage...to which there's more blood...now with a puddle running down the driveway a little as well...and there's now a body skewered to the garage. "AAAAGH!!!" "That's just corn syrup." "Let's go to the neighbor's house." "Where's my cell?" Everybody's kind of scurrying about...and we get separated. Luckily, I had found a sturdy fence post...and there were distant screams here and there...but I saw the neighbor's house across the street with the lights on.

"HEY!!! HEEEEEEY!!!" I run up the driveway...which if you remember is pretty steep...and has "corn syrup" all over it. Well, I get to the street and continue yelling. "HEEEEEY!!! CALL THE COPS!!!" The shadow of a guy is standing in the window with the lights on behind him...and he basically just closes the curtains. Then it hits me, I start remembering little things from earlier in the dream (like I said, it's like a bad horror movie). I see the realtor showing us the house, "So no family in the area?" "Nope, we just have each other", the neighbors, signing the paperwork, "They moved to a better place", eerie looks from the neighbors, "This paperwork was a easier than I expected" "It's a lot easier when you pay in full", basically it was just a little montage...and I had finally figured out the setup. Basically, this was like a neighborhood alliance, where they sold this home to a bunch of kids...but really just took their money and never filed anything with the county or something...and because we didn't have any family checking up on us...nobody seemed to notice...and they would kill us, you know serial killer style...and all the neighbors get a cut...and then they just do it all over again in a few months when a few more suckers with no experience in home ownership and a wad of cash (probably from a new book deal or something). Oh yeah, it was going to be a really bad flick...with sequels. Yeah, that was basically it. There was another dream about finding a restaurant in Denver (weird) but the person suggesting it didn't know the name...just that it was "San...something" and it became a futile attempt of trying to get information from her...and my moustache was quite full...and had those sweet curls on the ends. Like a sexy Yosemite Sam...but that's about all I remember. Hardly worthy of a movie script. So here's the news...

Prehistoric MURDER!!! - Newly analyzed remains suggest that a modern human killed a Neanderthal man in what is now Iraq between 50,000 and 75,000 years ago. The finding is scant but tantalizing evidence for a theory that modern humans helped to kill off the Neanderthals (it was either them or us). Though the statute of limitations is being called into question, a further complication is that it is highly unlikely that the murderer is still around to be punished. The probable weapon of choice: A thrown spear. The evidence: A lethal wound on the remains of a Neanderthal skeleton. The victim: A 40- to 50-year-old male, now called Shanidar 3, with signs of arthritis and a sharp, deep slice in his left ninth rib. "What we've got is a rib injury, with any number of scenarios that could explain it," said study researcher Steven Churchill, an associate professor of evolutionary anthropology at Duke University in North Carolina. "We're not suggesting there was a blitzkrieg, with modern humans marching across the land and executing the Neanderthals. I want to say that loud and clear." But he added, "We think the best explanation for this injury is a projectile weapon, and given who had those and who didn't, that implies at least one act of inter-species aggression." Scientists are continuing to refine their understanding of early Homo sapiens and Neanderthals, with hopes of also resolving the mystery of how the latter species went extinct while we did not. Past research has yielded conflicting evidence on interbreeding between the two species, but the new study clearly shows the opposite of affection. In fact, another Neanderthal skeleton dating back some 36,000 years and found in France showed signs of a scalp injury likely caused by a sharp object that may have been delivered by a modern human at the time, Churchill said. "So if the Shanidar 3 case is also a case of inter-specific violence and if Shandiar 3 overlaps in time with modern humans, we're beginning to get a little bit of a pattern here." Competition for resources with modern humans, along with other factors, may have also played a role in the die-off of Neanderthals, the researchers say. So there you go, the murder weapon: A spear. The evidence: A body with a spear wound. The motive: Survival via gang violence, self-defense, a wife interbreeding with the Neanderthal, who knows? More questions than answers at this point...but we'll see if the authorities can get to the bottom of this on the next episode of Law & Order (dun duh).

Gidget Es Muerto - Gidget the Chihuahua, the bug-eyed, big-eared star of 1990s Taco Bell commercials who was a diva on and off the screen, has died. She was 15 years old. Gidget suffered a massive stroke late Tuesday night at her trainer's home in Santa Clarita and had to be euthanized, said Karin McElhatton, owner of Studio Animal Services in Castaic, which owned the dog. Although she was hard of hearing, Gidget was otherwise in good health up to the day of her death, eating well and playing with her favorite squeaky toys at the home of trainer Sue Chipperton, McElhatton said. "She was retired. She lived like a queen, very pampered," McElhatton said. Gidget was found at a kennel and wasn't show quality with an undershot jaw and huge ears...but Gidget knew she was a star, McElhatton said. "She was a prima donna, basically. She absolutely knew when she was on camera." In a 1997 Taco Bell television commercial, Gidget was seen as a male dog who, through the magic of special effects and a voice actor, proclaims in a richly accented voice: "Yo quiero Taco Bell" — Spanish for "I want Taco Bell." Viewers were charmed. What was supposed to be a single ad became a campaign that ran from 1997 to 2000. The ads made the Taco Bell mascot wildly popular, although they provoked criticism from activists who accused them of promoting Hispanic stereotypes. While other Chihuahuas had bit parts, McElhatton said it was Gidget who got the close-ups and the quips (Carlos Alazraqui of Reno 911 was the voice). Gidget traveled first-class, opened up the New York Stock Exchange and made an appearance at Madison Square Garden. In later years, she did other acting work, appearing in a 2002 commercial for the insurance company GEICO and in the 2003 movie "Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde." She remained the object of affection after her retirement, going on hikes and beach visits with her trainer. She aged gracefully, and liked nothing more than to snooze in the sun. "She was like a little old lady. She'd kind of gotten smaller." Gidget will be cremated. Her owners had not decided on a final disposition of her remains. Taco Bell Corp. said in a statement Gidget would be missed by many. "Our deepest sympathies go out to her owners and fans." Now I'm hungry for a Chicken Grilled Stuft Burrito. Damn you Gidget!!!

Your Next President - Ladies & gentlemen, I apologize. I said over two years ago...that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be President in 2012...and I still think it's true...but sometimes, I have to wonder if he takes the job seriously. Normally, when a tall, muscular man (possibly cyborg) wields a 2-foot-long knife on-camera, it's usually not for a thank-you video...but that's what the Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger has done on his Twitter account, where the Republican actor-turned-governor posted a video message Tuesday thanking followers for their budget-balancing ideas as the state tries to fix a $26 billion deficit. In the video, he sits at his desk in the state Capitol admiring a 2-foot-long folding knife before addressing viewers and saying he likes one follower's suggestion to autograph a fleet of state-owned vehicles being put up for auction on Craigslist and eBay. "You come up with the great ideas. Why not just sign the cars since you're a celebrity governor? Sign the cars and sell it for more money. That's exactly what we're going to do." The governor's spokesman, Aaron McLear, said the knife was a gift from a friend and arrived Tuesday, and that the governor is serious about signing the auctioned vehicles. The auction, planned for late August, was prompted by tips from state employees and put into motion through an executive order. Officials estimate that selling 15 percent of California's 40,000 government vehicles could raise about $24 million. Schwarzenegger defended the Twitter video Wednesday when asked by a reporter whether it was appropriate at a time when the state is making deep cuts that are affecting the lives of the poor, elderly, children, college students and government employees. The state also is trying to close the budget gap by furloughing state workers three days a month. Schwarzenegger said he shot the Web clip because he does not want to be seen as "El Stiffo," suggesting previous governors were less colorful than he is (hmm, some might say...Grey). The governor said he doesn't enjoy making budget cuts but does need to keep his sense of humor. "Not that I have fun with making the cuts — they sadden me — but ... that doesn't mean that you cannot wave a knife around, or to wave your sword around, to get the message across that certain cuts have to be made because it's budget time," Schwarzenegger said during the news conference. Under a compromise plan he reached earlier this week with legislative leaders, the state would cut $6 billion from K-12 schools and community colleges, as well as $3 billion from state universities. Prisons, health care and welfare programs also would be cut. The revised budget plan is scheduled to be considered Thursday in the Legislature. McLear said the governor made the clip because he wants to respond to innovative ideas, wherever they originate. The video had received more than 33,000 hits by Wednesday afternoon. It's a great approach in my opinion. It shows that (though through the filter of his subsidiaries) that the people are being listened to...and they're trying to have a feasible state budget and get back to stability instead of a 12% unemployment and fire season's about to start up there in California too. Sure, he may have married into political prestige and won a popularity vote against Gary Coleman...but at least he's making an effort...and he realizes that where he lacks, he's not afraid to ask others for help and suggestions...and when the decision needs to be made, he has the testicular fortitude to do something about it. That's the kind of leader I want. That...and have you seen the guy swing a broadsword? I mean...I haven't recently...but he knew his stuff at one time...and I assume being a warrior of epic proportions is a lot like riding a bike. Anyway, that's just my take...and I really wanted to post this picture in the right context. Take THAT, print newspapers!!!

Well, that'll do it for today. Big weekend planned so it may be a few days before you hear from me...but rest assured, I already have a few incredible new stories ready to share...and I'll be drinking, so maybe some more crazy ass dreams too. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Happy Pioneer Day!!!

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