Monday, September 28, 2009

Or We'll Cut It Off

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I didn't feel too well waking up. Think it might've been the late night chimichanga...but all better now. Watched a bit of college football with my dad...and apparently Tim Tebow IS mortal...but I've also been thinking a lot about the future, as I'm sure just about everybody does at one time or another. So many questions out there...and it really doesn't help that my lease is almost up at my apartment and they want to know in less than three weeks what's going on. "Wish I could tell ya where I'm going to be." The bit of good news is that if I renew my lease, they're going to throw in wireless internet...so I theoretically shouldn't be "borrowing" internet if I'm here for another six months. Then again, when they mentioned the hot tub, they also told me it was 24 hours...and forgot to mention that it's basically solar powered with regards to the heat. Sigh...rabble rabble.

That night, we watched the Vitali Klitschko / Chris Arreola heavyweight boxing fight. Now, since I assume most of you don't watch boxing nowadays (like I usually don't) I'm going to give you the back-story in the only way that I know how...with movie references, mostly Rocky. Now, Vitali is probably my favorite boxer from the past 30 years. Why? Here's his story...the way I see it. Born & raised in Kiev, Ukraine, I'm assuming that he was a teenager just before the Wall came down in Berlin...and he watched a movie called "Rocky IV" where he watched a story of an elderly tiny American underdog beating the great Soviet champion Ivan Drago...and he probably thought, "This movie is the horse manure. Drago would never expose himself to Italian Stallion like that. His technique is flawed. Russia would win." So from that point on, he decided to prove it to the world...and pretty much did. He originally trained as a kickboxer...but then focused on the "sweet science" of boxing...and basically just destroys opponents with jabs while keeping his head away from danger...and then when the time is right, he just destroys his opponent with the strength of a cyborg and the precision of a surgeon (which he also is...as well as an accomplished chess player). He has only "lost" two fights...and both were complete horse manure...because they were to Lennox Lewis & Chris Byrd...and the referee stopped the fight because of a cut over his eye while he was far & away ahead on points. I watched the Lewis fight...and it was rigged...but it's boxing so what do you expect. Also, Vitali has a younger brother Wladimir who was his ringside with him...and is also a heavyweight champion. They always sit in each other's corner...and I just always thought of what would happen if...let's say, there's a rabbit punch delivered...and the trainers run into the ring to protect their fighter...and Wladimir ran in there too...and punches were thrown. That could be a messy altercation for the 73-year old, 118-pound cutman who got within the tremendous reach of the reigning champion who doesn't even have gloves on to protect...others. Anyway, just a random thought that I have...as I usually do.

Chris Arreola played the role of a mix of a Rocky underdog...and "The biggest Mexican I've ever seen" image from Desperado. Born and raised in East L.A. and finally given the chance to fight for a championship before his home crowd at the Staples Center, the first Mexican-American to fight for a heavyweight championship in over forty years, a man who months ago looked like a tanner version of Butterbean but slimmed down somewhat (though still loves Coronas & chimichangas...but who doesn't?), covered in tattoos, a fighting style eerily similar to Rocky too - come in with a wailing assortment of combinations and just destroy his opponent with brute force & grit. "YOU'RE A WRECKIN' MACHINE!!!" The stage was PERFECT!!! The crowd was on his side. He was going against a guy who was ten years his senior. He was ready to prove to the world...that he was a force to be reckoned with...and he was representing his people. The fight started...and everything went as planned. Klitschko was keeping him at a distance, using his four inch reach advantage & technique to wear away at Arreola...who was in turn trying to get inside and work at the body a bit, trying to get the Ukrainian champion to slouch his posture and expose his head to violent combinations. That being said, Klitschko's strategy was working...and Arreola was getting blasted with those explosive jabs...round after round after round. Around the 7th, Arreola started getting a little desperate...and had to make a move. When he got close, Klitschko would lock him up...but exposed the body a bit...and Arreola tried some short-range hooks before the referee separated them. The champion was unphased. Then he tried coming in with some wild combinations...only to find a defensive jab, usually followed by a right hook. When he would get locked up, the challenger would try to rub the blood from his face onto the champion to maybe confused the referee to stall the fight. It was getting late into the fight...and Klitschko had barely broken a sweat...and Arreola was bleeding fairly profusely from his nose and lip...and his face was swelling like a balloon over Megan Fox's head (she's THAT hot). Now, it seemed, it was just a matter of going the distance against the champ...and after twelve hard-fought rounds, it went to a unanimous decision to Klitschko. Arreola was devastated. This had been his big chance, millions of people across the world were watching, the crowd had been cheering him on the whole time...and he felt that he had let them down. He burst into tears right there in the ring and buried his shame-ridden face into a nearby towel. Klitschko, being a true champion, was quick to say, first & foremost, that Arreola was a great fighter and will be around for years to come...and he certainly will. Perhaps a rematch in Arreola II? We shall see. It was a great fight (by today's standards). An even better one though, would've been two spectators that I saw sitting next to each other when they were showing the crowd - Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now THAT would be worth the price of Pay-Per-View.

Saturday, I also watched "Dance Flick" which is a parody of all those dance flicks like "Save the Last Dance" "You Got Served" "Step Up" "Honey" "Flashdance" but surprisingly...no "Dirty Dancing" references. It was pretty funny and exactly what you would expect from the Wayans Brothers. It's basically the story of "Save the Last Dance" where a snotty white high school ballerina chick (played by Shoshanda Bush who looks a lot like a hot mix of Jessica Alba & Julie Stiles) who moves to Da Hood and meets the street dancer guy (played by Damon Wayans JUNIOR who looks exactly like his dad back in the In Living Color days) and there's a whole story about a street battle...and some owed money...and pop culture references. It's a Wayans Brothers flick. The plot doesn't really matter...just the execution of the jokes...and most of them are done pretty well. I would highly recommend it. Also, don't be concerned if you haven't seen any of the movies that it's referring to...because if you've even been forced to see the previews a few thousand times, you'll get most of them. Of all the movies referenced, I have only seen "Honey" (mind your own business, that's why) but it was still pretty good. Oh...and there was a "Twilight" reference...and it pretty much summed up the entire movie of Twilight, "Frankly I'm a bit disappointed." If you liked the Scary Movies, Don't Be A Menace... or any others, I say check them out...and support all those Wayans kids...because apparently they have kids & grandkids now too.

Go for the Gusto - Dalton Chiscolm is unhappy about Bank of America's customer service -- really, really unhappy. Chiscolm in August sued the largest U.S. bank and its board, demanding that "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" be deposited into his account the next day. He also demanded an additional $200,164,000, court papers show. Attempts to reach Chiscolm were unsuccessful. A Bank of America spokesman declined to comment. "Incomprehensible," U.S. District Judge Denny Chin said in a brief order released Thursday in Manhattan federal court. "He seems to be complaining that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a 'Spanish womn,'" the judge wrote. "He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers." Chin has experience with big numbers. He's the judge who sentenced Bernard Madoff to a 150-year prison sentence for what the government called a $65 billion Ponzi scheme. Bank of America Corp faces real legal problems, including New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo's threat to sue its chief executive and a judge's embarrassing rejection of a settlement with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. Yet the money Chiscolm wants could dwarf all the bank's other problems. It's larger than a sextillion dollars, or a 1 followed by 21 zeros. Chiscolm's request is equivalent 1 followed by 22 digits. The sum also dwarfs the world's 2008 gross domestic product of $60 trillion, as estimated by the World Bank. "These are the kind of numbers you deal with only on a cosmic scale," said Sylvain Cappell, New York University's Silver Professor at the Courant Institute for Mathematical Sciences. "If he thinks Bank of America has branches on every planet in the cosmos, then it might start to make some sense." Judge Chin gave Chiscolm until October 23rd to better explain the basis for his claims, or else see his complaint dismissed. Personally, I would like to hear his claim...and then laugh squarely in his face. "Really? Emotional damage? For more than a BILLION TIMES the world's gross domestic product? You couldn't just...go for a million and settle for a few thousand? You got greedy sir...and for that, you get nothing. I bid you good day." In fact, were I a judge, it's a good thing that I don't live in Poland.

Polish Pedophiles Beware - On Friday, Poland approved a law making chemical castration mandatory for pedophiles in some cases, sparking criticism from human rights groups. Under the law, sponsored by Poland's center-right government, pedophiles convicted of raping children under the age of 15 years or a close relative would have to undergo chemical therapy on their release from prison. "The purpose of this action is to improve the mental health of the convict, to lower his libido and thereby to reduce the risk of another crime being committed by the same person," the government said in a statement. Prime Minister Donald Tusk said late last year he wanted obligatory castration for pedophiles, whom he branded 'degenerates'. Tusk said he did not believe "one can use the term 'human' for such individuals, such creatures. Therefore I don't think protection of human rights should refer to these kind of events." His remarks drew criticism from human rights groups but he never retracted them. "Introducing any mandatory treatment raises doubts as such a requirement is never reasonable and life can always produce cases that lawmakers could never have even dreamt of," said Piotr Kladoczny from the Helsinki Foundation of Human Rights. "If somebody is of sound mind, we punish him. If he is sick, we try to cure him. That's how it works in Polish law. This bill introduces both approaches. As far as I know, this makes our law the strictest in Europe on this issue," Kladoczny said. The bill, which also increases prison sentences for rape and incest, must still be approved by the upper chamber of parliament. This is seen as a formality as Tusk's Civic Platform party holds a majority of its 100 seats. I like it. I'm not sure of the details of "chemical castration" but my image is of sulphuric acid being poured on a pedophiles genitalia...and I'm not opposed to it. Okay, so I'm sure it's a little more humane than that...but still, I don't like pedophiles & rapists. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't like themselves either. Perhaps I should write my congressman and get the paperwork started on something like this here in the States. Anybody else feel me? I'm really into the idea of creating a website for this cause. Both for the cause...and for the absolute absurdity that it might actually work...and being a spokesperson for the matter, I might get to go on some respectable pundit shows and debate this with real experts...or at the very least be on Fox News (rim shot). I'm liking this idea more and more the more I think about it. Yeah...

Larry King: "Welcome back. I'm joined by Doctor Mookie Love, President of the group called...is this right? I'm being told this is correct. The group is called 'Or Else We'll Cut It Off!!!' which is backing legislation towards the castration of pedophiles and rapists. Thank you for joining us, Doctor Love!"
$teve: "Please, call me Mookie, Larry."
Larry King: "Thanks...but I'd rather not."
$teve: "Doctor Love it is. Sah da tay."
Larry King: "And also with us is Miss Gretchen Smith, spokesperson of the Human Rights Group TRAPT which stands for 'Technically Rapists are People Too' Welcome to the show, Miss Smith."
Miss Smith: "Thank you, Larry. Please call me Gretchen."
$teve: "Sine yo pitty on the runnie kine, Gretchen. My damie."
Miss Smith: "Ugh...that was directed at Larry. You can refer to Miss Smith."
$teve: "Ah, so you are nasty. Whatever you'd like, Miss Smith...and whenever you'd like..."
Miss Smith: "Larry? Really? Is this guy even a doctor?"
$teve: "I'll have you know I'm a gynecologist...and I work with kids...but not at the same time like the people you're defending."
Miss Smith: "WHAT? I'm not defending their actions. I'm merely stating that the Constitution..."
$teve: "HOW DARE YOU??? THE CONSTITUTION DOES NOT DEFEND RAPISTS!!! I'VE READ IT!!! TWICE!!!"
Larry King: "Dr Love, I'd hate to jump in here but..."
$teve: "YOU'RE OUTTA LINE, KING!!!"
Larry King: "Ugh...it's my show. That's why my name is on it."
$teve: "Oh yeah. Sorry sir. Pedophiles just make me SO ANGRY!!!"

It'd be great television viewing for all...especially when I purposely throw out meaningless factoids...and basically try to turn Larry King Live into a mix of Jerry Springer & Loveline...and pick fights with guests who would only show up via satellite...in my Randy Savage voice. I am totally going to see what I can do to get this off the ground. Let me know if you'd like to be a part of this movement. Also, if you have any ideas for names better than "Or Else We'll Cut It Off!!!" it would be greatly appreciated as well. Sure, I like it...but it may be kinda confusing on a T-shirt...and it doesn't have the same appeal as those breast cancer awareness shirts with "Save the Tatas" or "I Love Boobies" or something. Have a great day everybody!!!

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