A Call for Action

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I'm off to California. Just finalized everything with Lilie, the Wingmans, my mom, aunt & cousin…and we're good to go. Spent last night doing laundry and getting packed up…and watched a movie or two. This vacation really couldn't come at a better time for me. Looking for a job is frustrating. I know that unfortunately a lot of you out there know what that's like…but I just wanted to share a little thought with you. "Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." So if you're looking for a dance partner, holla at your Doctor Love. Just keep your head up…and not staring at my package. There's a smile. Alright.

Last night I watched a movie of simple pleasures, "Transporter 3" starring Jason Statham as a guy named Frank who drives a car for criminals…and somehow always gets into some kind of shenanigans which require him to drive fast, beat some ass and do it all with class. If you haven't seen the first two, then you're missing out. If you have seen the first two, you're getting more of the same with the third. Apparently this time around, he decides to pass on a job and retire to a life of fishing in Marseilles with his cop buddy from the first two movies, so he recommends his buddy. Well, his buddy gets in over his head and crashes his car through Frank's apartment…and then the crime boss kidnaps Frank, puts an exploding bracelet on him that'll blow if he's more than 75 feet from his car…and tells him to drive to Bucharest with some cranky Ukrainian mail-order bride or something. Okay, so that's the back-story. There's a lot of car chases through the Alps, even some BMX racing, lots of great fight choreography courtesy of Cory Yuen & director Olivier Megaton (sounds like a porn name to me), one-liners, explosions, trains, boats, even some drug use. It's a pretty typical action movie…and if you liked the first two, I say check it out.

I followed that up with a cop drama "Pride & Glory" starring a great cast of Edward Norton, Colin Farrell, Noah Emmerich and Angelina's daddy, Jon Voight. Basically, there's an incident in Washington Heights (NYC) where four cops are killed in a bloodbath…and nobody knows why all the cops were there because nothing was called in until shots were fired. The precinct chief (Voight) asks his son (Norton), a former detective to help out with the investigation along with his other son (Emmerich) who runs the department and his brother-in-law (Farrell) who's a captain…and as they look into it, may be involved…but how far up does it go? (Dun dun duuuuh…) It's actually a really gritty & intense movie if you like cop dramas. There are a few scenes where even I was a little squeamish. One in particular with an iron…but I'm not gonna tell you what happens. Go check it out if you're into that thing…but if you're looking for laughs, look elsewhere. Like here in my news clips...

Seen & Not Heard - Beauty queens. What can I say about them that hasn't been told over the ages and written on bathroom stalls for eons? The vast majority are best to be seen and not heard…at all. A "relaxing, calm, beautiful place" may not be everyone's description of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where the United States holds about 240 prisoners in a detention center that has drawn condemnation from around the world…but this was the opinion of reigning Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza of Venezuela, who visited the U.S. naval facility in eastern Cuba this month on a trip organized by the United Service Organizations (USO) which supports U.S. troops. The Guantanamo Bay base, whose presence Cuba's government has contested as illegal for years, is used by U.S. authorities as a prison camp for foreign terrorism suspects. Critics have condemned it as a symbol of abuses in Washington's war on terrorism launched after the September 11, 2001, attacks. Caracas-born Mendoza, 22, who visited the facility March 20-25 along with Miss USA Crystle Stewart, 27, enthused about her Guantanamo trip as an "incredible experience" in a blog entry posted on the Miss Universe website dated March 27, 2009 (http://www.missuniverse.com/missuniverse/blog.php ). "It was a loooot of fun!," Mendoza wrote, describing how she and Stewart met U.S. military personnel and took rides around the camp, which is encircled by a barbed-wire fenced, minefields and watchtowers. She said they also visited a bar on the base and the "unbelievable" beach there. "We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how they recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting. I didn't want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful." Former detainees and human rights groups have alleged the use of torture, including "waterboarding" (simulated drowning) and other physical abuses, at the Guantanamo prison. Recounting her "memorable" trip, Mendoza, who was crowned Miss Universe 2008 in Vietnam (wonder how she liked camps out there) said: "We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills. All the guys from the Army were amazing with us." Before the visit, USO had announced Mendoza and Stewart were being "deployed" to Guantanamo on an entertainment tour to visit U.S. troops abroad to "boost morale." What does this all mean? We've been to soft on Gitmo prisoners. Sure, we're holding them against their will & torturing them…but it's on a beautiful tropical island with sandy beaches…and we're giving them movies & art classes. We're not even giving our children at home art classes. What the f**k? My guess is that we're not even waterboarding them…just trying to teach them to swim and they're spazzing out because they don't get it right away…like a five-year-old. Either that's the case…or Venezuela's a lot worse than I could've possibly imagined…or maybe Miss Mendoza's an idiot. I don't know. I'd love to meet her and find out though. Maybe when this whole financial crisis is on the upswing, they'll open up the borders to Cuba again…and the Gitmo can be restored into a Club Med or something. I can see it now, "Come enjoy the new Four Seasons Guantanamo Bay - Where you'll check in…but your ass ain't leaving short of a toetag, you terrorist sum'bich." Did I mention that I have a Marketing degree?

What's Your Secret? - Many people have been trying to find the secret to a long & healthy life. Well, ladies & gentlemen, we may have stumbled upon something, a real medical breakthrough. A Nigerian man who claimed to be 114 years old was arrested Tuesday. Why? Nigeria's anti-narcotics agency confiscated 6.5 TONS of marijuana from his home. The National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) said it had found 254 sacks of cannabis at the home of Sulaiman Adebayo in Ogun state, north of the commercial capital Lagos. "The quantity of drugs suggests a large scale involvement ... There is more to the case than Pa Sulaiman," NDLEA chairman Ahmadu Giade said in a statement. Adebayo, who said he had been a farmer all his life, told police he thought the sacks contained rice (sweet sticky icky rice). The agency said he claimed to have attended the inauguration of a famous hall in Abeokuta, the capital of Ogun state, in 1895 as a small boy and said he was 114 years old. There was no independent confirmation of his age. Marijuana is grown illegally on large-scale farms in many parts of Nigeria and is smuggled across its porous borders to neighboring countries. Lax customs control and corruption have also made Africa's top oil and gas producer a conduit for hard drugs from Asia and Latin America into Western markets. The thing is…what if this guy really is 114 years old? I mean…he may have honestly thought that it was rice in those sacks. He may be color blind, have no sense of smell and not care for the music of Phish. I guess what I'm saying is, maybe there's really something to this medicinal marijuana in helping extend life…even if you steam it, mix it with some vegetables and put a little soy sauce on the top of it. Just something that someone might want to look into.

Snow Beats Bud - Chinese beer Snow leapt ahead of Bud Light to become the world's biggest selling beer as China stretches its lead as the largest beer market in the world, according to provisional data from researcher Plato Logic. Snow, which is brewed by SABMiller and its Chinese partner China Resources Enterprises Ltd, saw its 2008 sales volumes jump 19.1 percent to 61 million hectoliters putting it well ahead of Bud Light and sister brew Budweiser. Belgium-based InBev based in Belgium and brewer of Stella Artois and Beck's, took over Bud Light and Budweiser brewer Anheuser-Busch for $52 billion in November 2008 to create the world's largest brewer Anheuser-Busch InBev. Plato lists the top six beer brands as the Snow range of beers followed by the Bud Light range, including Dry and Ice, at 55.6 million hectoliters, Budweiser at 43.4 million followed by AB-InBev's Brazilian beer Skol, Modelo's Mexican beer Corona and the Heineken brand. The Snow brand has grown rapidly as China overtook the United States earlier this decade to become the biggest beer market in the world in terms of volume and is now over 50 percent larger.

A Call for Action

So there you have it. The Chinese finally beat us. Well, I don't know about you…but I'm not going down without a fight. I wanna put forth a call to all my drinking buddies out there. Go have yourself a beer…and buy Bud Light…buy American. When you think to yourself, "Man, I could sure go for a frosty taste of the Rocky Mountains…but it's 8 AM and I've gotta go to work." You just think what would Benjamin Franklin do? I'll tell you that man would go to Independence Hall AT LEAST four beers down…so drink up, Patriot. Do you have something to celebrate? Or conversely, something to forget? I know a bunch of Buds that could help you out with that…and they're waiting for you in the fridge…next to the bean dip. Enjoy. Even when your friends and family say, "$teve, maybe you've already had enough. You've become a bit of a lush since you got laid off. Why don't you cut back?" You just look them in the eye and say, "Are you calling me unpatriotic? I'm trying to help stimulate the economy (burp) gyaddamit!!!" Then you go America all over everybody's ass with a lovely little tune of "I'm gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass, gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE!!!" Just please, have a designated driver. Don't drink & drive. Besides, you'll never be able to top this next guy...

Define Drunk Driving - Authorities in Ohio say a man has been charged with drunken driving after crashing his motorized bar stool. Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4th, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower. 28-year-old Kile Wygle was hospitalized for minor injuries. Police say he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers (you go, Patriot). Wygle told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph (Does he have a speedometer on that thing too? Awesome!!!). Wygle has pleaded not guilty and has requested a jury trial. Good move. I'm thinking the confessing to 15 beers…and driving an unregistered vehicle…and crashing it will probably work against you. By the way, I'm glad that my brother Kiel's not the only one that doesn't know how to spell his name. Maybe you two should hang out. Please don’t drink & drive. If anything, because it's never ever ever going to be as cool as driving your own motorized barstool over 30 MPH with no airbag, seatbelt, windshield, coherence or any other safety equipment. Maybe this guy was just auditioning for "Jackass 3" or something. Congratulations on not dying, Mr. Wygle.

Well, on that note, I'll bid you all adieu. I will be returning just in time for Great Zombie Jesus Day, my favorite zombie holiday…and 2nd with regards to Jesus. Hopefully I'll have a bit of a tan by then too…so keep your eyes out for a sexy bronzed man in the coming weeks. I'll probably be the tall guy next to him with the red shoulders and still looks like he's wearing socks though there's not a thread of cotton on me. Have a great week everybody!!!