$teve, Tall and Plane

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,



So yeah, back on the grind since the family’s visit last week… and yeah, I already miss them… well, most of them. Not much else going on right now. No dating or anything. Here’s the thing though… I’m really bad at telling the difference between genuine care, concern and/or flirtation… and feigned customer service. For example, I go to my bank this morning to cash the rent checks… and there’s a cute girl behind the counter. Then again, there always is… because that’s why cute boys & girls are put in front of counters… and the ones who do the paperwork are stuck in their closet offices with fluorescent light (like me). Anyway, she was starting the small talk, asking about the upcoming weekend & such while running the checks, and of course I’m trying my damnedest to focus on her eyes & not her chest (but to no avail, quick glances, very nice) but it just seemed… I don’t know, flirtatious. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’d say it was just me… but this isn’t the first time that I’ve gone to the bank & have gotten the same feeling. I thought maybe it was just the Asian girls that liked me… but yeah, a lot of glances at me from the other ladies too (possibly for security risk?). Anyway, in the end, she asked me about my last name, I explained it’s Czechloslavakian & pronounced just as it’s spelled, she giggled & asked if there was anything else she could help with. Oh… if she only knew… but alas, I just wished her a good day & was off to work. See… being in an industry that’s a lot to do with customer service & building a hospitable atmosphere, one side of me thinks that she has done this kind of interaction 40 hours a week, for several years, and it’s nothing out of the ordinary… not unlike I do on a regular basis… but the other side says “$teve, you’re never going to get laid ever again unless you make a move on a girl that’s interested. The worst she can say is no, right?” Actually… the worst she can say is “Seriously?” and then start laughing… but that’s not likely & then you know she’s a C U Next Tuesday, so no real loss there. Just another day in my life… making a mildly intriguing observation about absolutely nothing. A few things that I forgot to mention before the family came…



Last week, I watched “Blow Out” starring John Travolta, Nancy Allen & John Lithgow. This movie is as old as I am… but still pretty good. The story is about a movie sound guy (Travolta) who is out recording wind noises in a park… when he records a car going off the road & into the water. He dives in to save the passenger (Allen) but the driver dies. Later he finds out that the driver was actually a Presidential candidate… and then finds that there may be a cover-up into the whole thing… and possibly murder. He sets out to find out the truth… but by doing so, also puts himself & the passenger in danger. This is one of the earlier movies of director Brian DePalma (“Scarface”, “Carlito’s Way”, “Untouchables”, etc) and you can really tell. There’s a lot of the great continuous shots, eerie angles, and that distinctive DePalma style that I personal think is among the best out there. I really enjoyed the movie… with the exception of Nancy Allen’s voice. It was that VERY whiny Jersey accent maybe… like purposely bad maybe… and the only other thing I had seen her in was the “Robocop” movies so not what I expected at all. Other than that though, Travolta rocked that sh*t, Lithgow was a creepy killer, and the whole story was just great in my personal opinion. Hell, he even drives a Jeep… through City Hall… and in a parade… oh spoiler alert? Eh, go check it out. I’ve given away NOTHING!!! Great flick.



Wednesday night, I watched “Take Me Home Tonight” starring Topher Grace, Dan Fogler, Anna Faris and something that I had asked about YEARS ago… and it finally happened… MICHAEL BIEHN IN A NON-ACTION MOVIE, A RAUNCHY ROMANTIC COMEDY OF ALL THINGS!!! Anyway, the story is about a brilliant MIT graduate (Grace) who moved back home & works at a video store (it’s 1986 or so, by the way, they still have video stores). He’s been obsessing over this high school crush (Jessica Palmer) since they were kids, but never made a move. Well, he’s an adult now… and he still doesn’t make a move. However, thanks to his best friend (Fogler), a party thrown by his twin sister’s (Farris) fiance, a stolen Benz, a bag of cocaine, a boost of confidence, a few obvious hints from his crush, he may just get laid tonight… but will he puss out? Who knows? Watch to find out. It was pretty hilarious at some points… but yeah, like all rom-coms there’s the usual drama that really isn’t drama but whatever. The moral of the story: Have some balls! And most importantly, SOMEBODY’S READING MY BLOG BECAUSE MICHAEL BIEHN WAS IN A NON-ACTION MOVIE!!! YAAAAY!!! HOLLYWOOD IS LISTENING!!! (or at least Mike’s agent, big ups!!!) Also…



Take the Scenic Route - Life is short -- so why not take the scenic route? That is the message BMW Financial Services seems to be encouraging with its new app, The Ultimate Drive. Released last week, the free app allows users to discover, share and rate the world's most interesting driving routes contributed by users worldwide. By incorporating GPS, the app is also able to find routes surrounding a particular location, and will alert users when new routes are discovered in their neighborhood. "There are plenty of sites that will show you the top roads to drive", said Pawan Murthy, of BMW Group Financial Services, which provides financing for BMW and MINI vehicles. "The roads that are filtering up (in the app) include others that very few people have ever heard of, and that's what makes it so exciting." So far more than 600 routes had been added to the app. Murthy said the most interesting routes are those with the best scenery and, for drivers with sporty cars, include many twists and turns. Points of interest and restaurants or cafes with good food, also get a lot of mentions. One user, who added a route just west of Denver that runs along North America's highest elevated public road warned drivers to "watch for bighorn sheep". Another route takes drivers along a trip that concludes at Arkansas' oldest continually operating general store. "It starts getting very granular from a user-experience standpoint as to what people will share on the app," said Murthy. He said this release is the first iteration of an app moving further toward "gamification," -- introducing game play elements to increase customer participation (like Grand Theft Auto IV?). A future version set for release in early October will be more interactive and include a point system aimed at giving customers greater incentive to participate. "We wanted to get Version 1 out so we could expose it to the world and initiate crowd sourcing of routes. Succeeding versions will have a closer connection with financial services", said Murthy. Most car companies provide free apps for a wide variety of purposes. One from Nissan, for example, allows owners to remotely manage and maintain their vehicles. Another from Mazda puts drivers in direct contact with roadside assistance. One drawback to The Ultimate Drive is that directions are not provided natively within the app. But routes can be exported to Facebook or through email, and can also be ported to another GPS-based maps application for directions. The Ultimate Drive is currently only available in North America. So there you go… if you’re like me & enjoy the occasional road trip, maybe check out this app. I just downloaded it but have yet to check it out. Got a few suggestions though. PCH from here to Cambria isn’t too damn bad with stops in Half Moon Bay, Monterey, Big Sur, Hearst Castle, etc. You’ve all seen the posts from last year’s big road trip. Anyway, suggestions for great road trips? Probably going to do Vegas to Grand Canyon in November, but I’m sure that’s just desert in between the two destinations, but you never know until you try, right? Get out there & travel… by land, by sea, or even by air…



What Women Want… On A Plane - The in-flight entertainment on some planes run by Australian airline Qantas currently contains a somewhat unusual offering… a movie that purports to elucidate the mysteries of female sexual pleasure. The 50-minute French film "The Female Orgasm Explained," which includes naked scenes, is carried on long-haul "Video on Demand" aircraft in the airline's "The Edge" channel -- complete with a warning that it is for mature audiences only (whew). "In general programs are selected according to quality of content, box office/ratings, topicality and Qantas customer demographics," Qantas said in a statement, adding that programs were screened by their program team before licensing.

"With the Edge, we source programs that are out of the ordinary across all genres." Airline crews are able to block content to the seats of minors and at the requests of their parents, it added. The film will be run until November (so book now). The choice of film may be a bit risky given the fact that airlines are usually quite careful about what they show, said Catriona Eider, an associate professor at the Department of Sociology and Social Policy, Sydney University. "I think sociologically it's interesting they are showing something that has the potential in that quite confined space to have people say 'Oh, what are you watching?' or shows that might be understood as titillating as porn," she said. But she added that changing social norms mean that off-limit topics have shifted. "'In Sex and the City', the orgasm is something pretty much spoken in everyday levels. It's no longer the taboo subject it was." Way to use a decade-old reference to defend your soft core porn, Qantas. Blame it on those b**ches! I applaud it. Now, you know I’d watch it on an airplane. Seriously, what the f**k else am I going to do? Then again… I’m the kind of guy that would watch a multitude of movies that wouldn’t really be appropriate for an airplane. You know… like “Cast Away” or something. Hmm… I may just bring the DVD with me & watch it on my laptop on my next flight over the Rockies in the winter. Some little kid asks, “What are you watching?” “It’s this great flick called ALIVE!!! You see, these people are on this flight over the mountains, not unlike where we are now, and this storm causes them to crash. Then, because nobody can get to them, they have to survive… so they make shelter, eat what little food they can find… and when that runs out… oh look at that, right on queue.” Kid witnesses his first act of cannibalism on my computer… immediately followed by the plane shaking slightly… the pilot warning of turbulence… and then he freaks the f**k out & I die a happy twisted man. However, this a great tie-in to my next Movie List…



Airplane Movie List (and my favorite lines from them)



Gold – Airplane! - “Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?” - Fittingly enough, the movie that’s exclamatorily named Airplane! tops my list. Why? If you have to ask, then you’ve never seen it. From the writers/directors team that would later brings such classics as “The Naked Gun” trilogy, “Hot Shots!”, several “Scary Movies” & “Baseketball” comes this story of redemption, courage under direst, and Love against all odds. Also you have everyone from Peter Graves, Robert Stack, Leslie Nielsen & even Kareem Abdul-Jabbar saying some pretty hilarious & ridiculous sh*t in this satire. Also, check out the sequel too. You deserve it.



Silver – Air Force One – “Get off my plane!” – The timeless classic of a President (Harrison Ford) whose plane is taken over by terrorists (led by the great Gary Oldman) and now he has to save his family, his council, & his nation. You’ve probably seen it… and if not, it’s worth a gander. Also worth a gander is the similar “Executive Decision” starring Kurt Russell, John Leguizamo and (briefly) Steven Seagal. Another plane being taken hostage movie… but they send in a special forces team to get him out this time to stop nuclear weapons from hitting the East Coast or something. It’s been a few years, gimme a break.



Bronze – Con Air – “Put the bunny… in the box” – It’s my Catcher in the Rye (“Conspiracy Theory” reference). When I see it on TV, I pretty much have to watch it. A Marine/prisoner (Nicolas Cage) is on his way home to see his wife & daughter after serving some time in prison. He’s on the flying equivalent of a maximum security prison bus, with some of the top nasties in the world, and of course… they take the plane over & he has to save the day. It’s a Jerry Bruckheimer production, so you know there’s explosions, one-liners, bad accents and a pretty remarkable ensemble cast too with the likes of John Malkovich, Ving Rhames, John Cusack, Colm Meaney, Dave Chappelle, even Machete… er, Danny Trejo. I also liked George Clooney’s “Up in the Air” but if you’re wondering why “Top Gun” isn’t higher on the list… it just isn’t. Deal with it. My list.



Suggestion – Turbulence – “I changed my mind!” – After a shootout on a plane transporting passengers, a stewardess (Lauren Holly) has to outwit a smooth-talking serial killer (Ray Liotta) and land the plane herself. Sounds pretty cheesy, right? Well, it sort of is… but still a pretty entertaining flick. Wesley Snipes’ “Passenger 57” almost got mentioned here… but I pretty “Turbulence” because you kind of expect Wesley Snipes to kick some ass… despite having a very Welsh name. Lauren Holly, you don’t really expect much more than for her to be hot. Anyway, give it a gander if you’d like. “Amelia” was okay, starring Hillary Swank (as Amelia Earhart) & Richard Gere (as the guy). Leonardo DiCaprio rocked the sh*t in “The Aviator” but that was more about eccentric tycoondom than airplanes.



Flush It – Soul Plane – “Yeah, it was a cold day” – Oh yes, the obvious choice would be Samuel L. Jackson’s epicly bad classic “Snakes on a Plane” and believe me it was considered… but everybody rags on that movie. So I’m switching it up to “Soul Plane” which is an equally horrible movie about a guy who gets a lot of money, buys an airline (NWA – NorthWest Airlines or something), caters it to a certain African-American clientele, and on its maiden voyage hyjinx ensues. Starring the likes of Snoop Dogg, Method Man, Kevin Hart, DL Hughley, John Witherspoon, Tom Arnold, Godfrey, Mo’Nique, Loni Love, Terry Crews, and so on… you know it’s going to try to be funny. It has its moments… but pretty bad & unmemorable. I was only trying to keep from ragging on Samuel L. Jackson more for “Snakes on a Plane” because… it’s just so goddamn horrible.



FutureWatch – Top Gun 2 (2012?) – Okay so… I’m not really excited about the proposed sequel to Top Gun 2… with a cameo or more by Tom Cruise… and who knows, maybe Val Kilmer too (ICEMAN!!!). The first one was okay… Goose was the ultimate wingman (until he died), Kenny Loggins had a hit, as did Berlin (and memories of my junior prom), and you have to give it up for anybody who makes reference to the Righteous Brothers. As for a sequel, what can you expect? Well, Tony Scott might direct… so there’s probably explosions & now with CGI, maybe they’ll be shooting down aliens instead of Russian MIGs. Don’t knock it… wait for the trailer. Anyway, I just didn’t know of any other airplane related movies coming up any time soon. Maybe something about “The Wright Brothers” reuniting Ben Affleck & Matt Damon… with moustaches. It could work. Has there been a really good “DaVinci” movie made? Eh… I’m out of ideas right now… but I’m sure more will come up in time.



Anyway, that should do it for today. Next basketball game is on Thursday… and I’m kind of at the point where if they don’t start coming up with a strategy other than heave threes & let me rebound, I may just do pickup games… but we’ll see. Still no plans for Labor Day, so let me know if you hear of anything. Have a great day everybody!!!

A New Great $teve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So last night, I’m home… and decide to make me some dinner. I was pretty hungry & just made a run to the grocery store… so I decided to make something, not really special, but out of the ordinary… and of course delicious. So I make me a quick Noah’s Ark with what I have. Oh… and for those of you new to the blog, Noah’s Ark is basically the signature dish if I ever own a restaurant, where you basically take two of every animal and throw it under a bun. Now, the ones that I usually make at a barbecue are a lot more… but last night I made one with a turkey burger, a beer braut sliced half so that it lies flat, a few strips of bacon, a sprinkle of bleu cheese, and of course a little barbecue sauce. Then I fried the bread like a Panini once all the ingredients were inside… you know, to seal it up nice. Sounds good, right? It absolutely was. Well, after that, the roommate and I basically watched a few hours of “Man vs. Food” on Travel Channel… and I sorta think that I missed my calling. Obviously I have a thing for incredibly delicious and unhealthy foods… and a bit of a competitive streak… and this Adam guy has the perfect job for that. Basically traveling around the country and looking for the best “pig out” spots to enjoy seared animal flesh. Burgers, barbecue, chicken, gravy, sausage, all the stuff that it’s stressed that you should eat in moderation, all on the menu… and it’s his job to try all the house specialties. And to top it all off, there’s always a food challenge… where he has to eat six pounds of barbecue… or six chicken wings that the sauce will take paint off a car… or eat a few hundred oysters… or a burger with literally everything on it, including the kitchen sink. It’s pretty epic… and it looks like fun (until the indigestion or fiery sphincter later on). Anyway, watching that stuff just makes me hungry, so guess what I’ll probably make for dinner tonight. Another Noah’s Ark. Oh well, we shall see. Here’s some news…

Another Great $teve – It’s a rare and blessed occasion when I’m able to sing the praises and induct a fellow great $teve into the Hall of Recognition. A folk hero in digital times, JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater has been thoroughly embraced by the Web. Not only have news stories about his meltdown on a plane from Pittsburgh to New York City been exceptionally popular on the Internet, but he's been feted in all manner of online tribute. Now he receives the ultimate tribute from me. Slater has consistently ranked as one of the most popular topics on Twitter and has birthed a small cottage industry of Facebook pages, with titles such as "Free Steven Slater" and "I Support Steven Slater." One group, dubbed the "Steven Slater Legal Defense Fund," is seeking to raise money for the airline veteran. More than 650 people are members of the group, which was founded by Gary Baumgardner, a pilot who pledges transparency in donating all the collections to Slater. He said he had raised more than $1,500 as of early Wednesday. What’s that? Oh you haven’t heard the Legend of $teve Slater? It’s f**king fantastic. Allow me to share. Steve Slater, 38, was a flight attendant with JetBlue. Basically, while loading the plane, there was a confrontation between passengers over overhead compartment space… and Steve stepped in. A female passenger berated him… and Steve turned the other cheek. After the plane landed Monday at John F. Kennedy International Airport, Slater was again berated by this woman because a bag that she stowed below the plane wasn’t readily available, allegedly calling him a motherf**ker. What happened next is the stuff of legend. Slater is accused of cursing at a passenger over the intercom (specifically saying “To the b**ch who called me a motherf**ker, f**k you!”), then dropped the intercom, said “I’m out!”, grabbed a few beers and exited on the plane's emergency slide. Awesome, right? It gets better. Two hours later, some fifty officers and marshals surrounded Slater’s home and arrested him… while in the act of sexual intercourse. Yes ladies & gentlemen, imagine if you will, a house completely surrounded by cops like they’re raiding the home of Pablo Escobar, they bust down the door, only to find this great $teve putting the good hurt on a loved one, slinging man jam all about his home. Needless to say, he was arrested and jailed before being freed on bail. A defense attorney says Slater didn't put anyone in danger. The website Free Steve Slater has been launched in support of Slater. It introduces itself: "Steve! This page is for you! Get in touch and let us know what you want to do with it!" One of the trends on Twitter has been to imagine T-shirts dedicated to Slater's audacious escape. Film critic Roger Ebert was among those churning out ideas, including: "Front: `I may be under arrest...' Back: `But I got two free beers out of it.'" Actual T-shirts were already for sale online, though with the more simple "Free Steven Slater" printed on them. On eBay, luggage tags reading "Steve Slater: An American hero" were for sale, as was a painting of Slater holding a prison number, which was going for $355 as of Wednesday afternoon. Other designs took the easy bait of parodying flight manuals. One that quickly went viral — designed by Aurich Lawson, creative director of the technology news website Ars Technica — is labeled the "proper technique for exiting aircraft" and shows a generic figure descending an inflatable slide with two beers in hand. "Watching people root for him ... is half the fun," Lawson said in an e-mail. "The reaction makes the event larger than life, kind of catapulting it into myth status overnight." Response in song has been common, too. On Tuesday, Slater was led into a state court in the New York City borough of Queens to be arraigned on charges of criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and trespassing, counts that carry a maximum penalty of seven years in prison. After posting bail, he told reporters, "It seems like something here has resonated with a few people. And that's kind of neat." So what do you think? Would you have done it? God knows we’ve all wanted to… and God bless this man for actually doing it (though it may send him to prison, which is unfortunate). Sometimes keepin’ it real goes wrong… but still, kudos… and welcome to the Hall of Recognition, Mr. Slater. Really wish there was a video somewhere of this event...

Taxi Awards – Ever wonder where the best taxi drivers are? Or where the worst taxi drivers are? Well, now you know. London taxis, with their friendly drivers who actually know where they are going, are ranked best in the world, according to an annual taxi poll. The survey by travel website hotels.com found London taxis, despite being the most expensive, beat rivals across the globe to head the list for the third consecutive years, scoring a total of 59% in votes on several categories by travelers. London taxi drivers were voted both friendliest and most knowledgeable. Drivers in the English capital must pass a rigorous examination called The Knowledge to earn their taxi license. New York's yellow taxis came second in the list, scoring 27% which was up 10 percentage points from last year even though Manhattan's cab drivers tied with Parisian taxi drivers as the rudest (that’s bad). Travelers said New York had the most available taxis. Cabbies in Rome were voted the worst drivers in the world with almost one in 10 travelers thinking the Italian capital had the world's worst taxi drivers when it came to the quality of driving. "Traveling by taxi is one of the first experiences that many travelers have upon arrival in a new city. In fact, the research found that cabs are by far the most popular method of traveling from the airport to their hotel," a spokesman for hotels.com said in a statement. The global poll scored city based taxis for their levels of cleanliness, value, quality of driving, knowledge of the area, friendliness, safety and availability. Rounding out the top five were Tokyo with a total score of 26%, Berlin with 17%, and Bangkok famed for its tuk-tuks scoring 14%. I’ve gotta give it up for Bangkok because a cabbie there helped save my mama a few months back. Madrid's taxis were ranked sixth in the poll, followed by Copenhagen and Dublin with 11% and Frankfurt and Paris with 10%. Taxis in Sydney fell short of the top 10, scoring badly in the areas of value for money, availability and knowledge of the area. The survey for hotels.com, part of the Expedia group, was conducted among over 1,900 travelers between May 11-28 this year. I have to agree. London taxi drivers are probably the best out there. Though I have a lot more experience with New York, Vegas & Miami over the years. I’ll tell you who’s probably worst on the list… and it’s my old mistress Vegas. Had MANY a bad experience… rude, unknowledgable, overpriced, lie about accepting credit cards, get all b**chy when you make love stains in the backseat, the list goes on and on, which is unfortunately because that may contribute to why half the drivers on the road out there are intoxicated. Anyway, your thoughts?

Maternal Quartet - Four sisters from one family have each given birth within four days. That's four sisters, four babies, four days. The same obstetrician delivered the babies of three of the sisters — 27-year-old Lilian Sepulveda, 29-year-old Saby Pazos and 24-year-old Leslie Pazos — in the same suburban Chicago hospital on Friday and Saturday. A fourth sister, Heidi Lopez, gave birth on Monday in California. Family members said the women didn't plan the timing. Obstetrician Dr. Jean Alexandre, who delivered the three babies in suburban Chicago, calls the births "very unusual but wonderful at the same time." No planning huh? Hmm, I know what you ladies did last Halloween… forty weeks ago. Apparently there was a lot of something something going on. Anyway, just thought that I’d share the story with you. I’m sure the parents of these sisters are insanely busy trying to see all the new grandkids.

Panda Update – Speaking of babies, a giant panda born and raised in Japan has given birth to two cubs, her second set of twins, a zoo official said Thursday. Nine-year-old Rauhin gave birth to a female and a male cub Wednesday at Adventure World zoo in western Wakayama prefecture -- where she has spent her whole life -- after mating naturally with a panda brought from China (bow chicka bow wow). Rauhin was the first Japanese-born panda to breed when she gave birth to twin cubs in 2008. Her caretakers at the zoo conducted artificial insemination to improve Rauhin's chances of breeding two years ago, but the new babies were born as the result of natural mating with the Chinese male panda, the zoo said. "The two pandas go together very well," Adventure World spokesman Tadashi Ishikawa told AFP. "Giant pandas usually have a mating season only about three days a year (birthday sex? Must think they’re married), which makes it very difficult for them to breed. But the environment here seems to be good for our pandas." Captive giant pandas are known for their low sex drive, which is exacerbating falling numbers as their natural habitat in southwestern China is encroached on by development. There are currently 10 giant pandas in Japan, eight of them at Adventure World, but they all belong to China -- including Japanese-born Rauhin. China is to send another pair to Tokyo's Ueno Zoo for a price tag of almost a million dollars a year, to be paid for over the next decade (like sports stars, only w/o the sex drive). The money will be spent on wild animal protection in China. An extension of the lease can be negotiated, and the Tokyo zoo can keep babies born to the pair for the first two years, although China retains ownership. Ling Ling, the last panda owned by Japan, died of heart failure in 2008 at the age of 22 -- the equivalent of 70 human years. So there you go. Either we’ve got a panda mommy having twins every few years… or cloning has taken yet another major step forward… or they’re just very convincing robots. You can never tell with Japan involved. Yay pandas!!! Some may think that they’re just giant infertile raccoons… but I personally know that they are…

BEARS!!! - A brazen black bear with a late-night hankering for supreme pizza surprised a Montana resident last week, and it's not the first time the animal has eluded capture. The bear is believed responsible for about 21 break-ins in the Red Lodge area in south-central Montana over the past few weeks. I repeat: 21 Break-ins… over the past few weeks. In the most recent heist, Marek Rosin said he awoke at about 1:30 a.m. on July 29 to find the bear had pushed open the door to his back porch and was raiding his chest freezer. "He was about four feet from me with his head in the freezer munching on a pizza. It was almost comical if it wouldn't have been that close." Rosin scared the bear off before it could eat anything more (like Mr. Rosen). Most of the break-ins involve the bear climbing through a screened window or breaking through a screen door to access refrigerators or freezers, said Shawn Stewart, a Fish, Wildlife and Parks biologist. Stewart said he thinks a single adult black bear is causing most of the problems (is that considered profiling? I know it would be if I were to say a single adult black man is causing most of the problems… and that’s just changing one word). Two culvert traps were set up, but the bear has avoided them. Apparently he’s smarter than the average bear… because another bear was captured and relocated. Seriously, how can you tell them apart? Over the past few days, no new reports of bear break-ins have come in. It's unknown if the bear might have left the area. Bear incidents are also being reported south of Bozeman, east of Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming and around Jackson Hole, Wyoming. "It's fairly widespread," Stewart said. I know that the great $teve Colbert has been reporting on the threat of bears for years… and I’ve been reporting on the threat of snakes… could they somehow be forming some kind of multispecies coalition to overthrow their human overlords? I only ask this because… well, there’s bears in them woods out here. I figured the snakes wouldn’t be much of a threat given the cold… but bears, this is their territory. I’m must saying, keep an eye out.

On that note, I’ll call it a day. Tonight's a meteor shower & Truckee Thursdays. The weekend’s coming up soon… and not too sure what I’ll be doing… but I know there’s a Blues Beer & Funk Festival at Squaw Valley on Saturday… so I’ll probably be hitting that up. Huey Lewis & the News are in Reno too. Can’t really go wrong with them. Now when I hear of Huey Lewis, I can’t help of think of “American Psycho” and the timeless line “Sabrina, don’t just stare at it. Eat it!” Good times. Have a great night everybody!!!

Snatch - It's About Robbin'

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday morning, I was wondering what I was going to do with this lovely weekend. See, I wanted to be a little on the frugal side because of this coming weekend with my mom… so no last minute trip to San Fran or anything (besides, Bubbles already had company for her birthday… and I’m always 3 hours away). So I thought, “Maybe I should call my stepsister and see what her family’s up to. Maybe they’re bored too… and it is Pioneer Day over in Utah, so we should be celebrating… something… right?” Whatever you’ve got to tell yourself, $teve. Well, not minutes after I had the passing thought, did my stepsister call me & invite me to my nephew’s 10th birthday party… and the best part… it was at Wild Island, which is a water park in Sparks apparently. “Yeah, I was just going to call you guys. That’d be awesome.” So yeah, we met up at Scheels first because the kids wanted to ride the FERRIS WHEEL while the parents wanted to check out guns & mountain bikes. You can guess which one Uncle $teve wanted to do. Here are the pictures…

After Scheels, we went across the highway to Wild Island. It was a pretty cool water park… and because it was 103 degrees and a Saturday, the place was PACKED!!! We still had a LOT of fun though with the different slides and of course just being silly in general. After a few hours, clouds started to move in… and then it because a lightning storm… and then a sandstorm, so we basically had to abandon after about 3 hours, but still, good times. Sorry, no pictures of me and my hard, chiseled, bronze body for this part. I had to leave the camera in a locker (not waterproof) but hey, that’s why you should come along next time.

That night, I decided that since it was basically a full moon, I would watch “The Wolfman” starring Benecio Del Toro, Sir Anthony Hopkins and Hugo Weaving. Basically it’s supposed to be a retelling of the Lon Chaney classic Wolfman movie. An actor from London (Del Toro) must return home upon news of his brother’s disappearance. He returns to find his brother has been found… and torn up by what appears to be some kind of a savage beast. Well, he moves back into the family estate until he finds the killer with his father (Hopkins) and now widowed former sister-in-law (Emily Blunt). Well, blah blah blah, he gets bit, becomes a werewolf, Scotland Yard sends in a man (Weaving) to investigate, family “secrets” are revealed, long story short, I didn’t care for this movie at all. It was dull, boring, incredibly predictable, even poor CGI, and believe me… I’m willing to take the leap with believing the whole system of lycanthropy and whatnot… but yeah, this movie was just… pointless really. I say pass if at all possible. Plenty of other werewolf movies out there… and I can’t wait for “Jack & Diane” to this one out of my mind. Here’s the news…

Bank Robbery Monthly: Darkside - Times must be tough back at the Empire after having to rebuild all those Death Stars. A bank robber dressed as "Star Wars" villain Darth Vader made off with an undetermined amount of cash after pointing a handgun at startled tellers inside a Chase bank branch on Long Island. Detectives say the stickup man walked into the bank shortly before noon Thursday wearing a full head mask and a blue cape. The only part of the uniform that was out of place were his camouflage pants. And that handgun — no light saber. Suffolk County police Detective Sgt. William Lamb told reporters at least one customer at the time didn't think the theft was legit. The customer, whose identity was not released, can be seen cowering on the floor in a surveillance camera photo, moments after the holdup man shoved him away. "The customer thought it might have been a joke and not a serious attempt at a robbery," Lamb told the Daily News. The only other description of the suspect was his height: between 6 feet and 6-foot-2. He was last seen running across a parking lot. "I thought it was pretty comical, but I guess this guy was pretty serious about needing some money," Michael Aloisio, who works at a nearby restaurant and saw the bandit run past, told the New York Post. "I think we need more police and more security here," said Louie Lin, 24, who works at a Chinese restaurant in the shopping center where the bank is located and saw the robber. "People need money so bad nowadays ... maybe next time they will come here and steal from us too." Heather Apolo, 36, a Chase customer from Port Jefferson Station, said she was surprised the bank had been targeted. "It really is a good area. They'll probably beef up security and make sure something like this doesn't happen again." Mike Fusco, a Chase spokesman, declined to comment other than to say bank officials were cooperating with the investigation. My grade for this robber – C. I like the whole Darth Vader thing. Definitely would’ve been intimidating because Episodes II & III but still an ominous image. Blue cape? Eh, obviously times are rough & you’ve got to go with what you’ve got. That IS why he’s robbing the bank. Now if the gun were made to look like Han Solo’s blaster or something, definite A- at least… or if there was some sort of Force Chokehold involved… but yeah, a C isn’t too bad of a grade for a nerd in need of some dough. Also, 6’2” is right around the good height to be physically intimidating… but more than 1% of the population can be in the lineup. Anyway, I’m not condoning bank robbing, just to be clear… just judging the methods. The holdup was the 15th in Suffolk County this year; 30 bank heists were reported in 2009. The robbery comes about a week after a so-called bouquet bandit held up a Manhattan bank. Authorities say Edward Pemberton used a flower bouquet to conceal a note demanding cash during a $440 bank heist July 15. They say he used a potted plant as a similar prop in a holdup at another bank earlier this month. There also have been numerous reports around the country of men dressing as women, wigs, sunglasses and all, holding up banks. A New Hampshire man robbed a bank in 2007 wearing tree branches and leaves (damn, hippie thieves now?). Oh wait… it gets better…

BRM: Clowns - Authorities said a Pittsburgh-area man robbed a bank wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. Swissvale police said 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock was sitting in a parked car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in a bag of money when he was arrested Saturday. Police Chief Greg Geppert said Hawkins robbed the bank at gunpoint, using a toy BB gun he had shoplifted from a store. Geppert said Hawkins then entered a woman's car. She got out, took her keys and alerted police. Hawkins was found sitting in the car. He is being held on $230,000 bail. It's not clear whether he has an attorney. Obviously this robbery was an F in every single facet other than nobody got hurt, which is like signing your name correctly at the top of the test. If you get that wrong, it’s an automatic zero. Okay, step by step. Weapon – Stolen BB gun. It may look real, so I can’t completely rag on it… but if it’s one of those plastic transparent things from Wal-Mart, I’m holding back laughter if I’m stuck up with one of those. The Outfit – Big-breasted blonde lady clown. Too bad the 5 o’clock shadow probably gives it all away. Perhaps thought of in case an insanity plea was needed later on. I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of a doubt. The Getaway – Jack a lady in the parking lot… but she takes the keys & calls the cops… while you check the money & get blasted in the face with a dye pack. Here’s how it goes down… and keep in mind that the carjackee will be in a completely state of confusion because this is all going down with a giant he-she clown. “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! KEYS!!! Thank you, here’s a little something for a new car.” Drive off. Moments later, when she is no longer stunned from being carjacked by a clown, she glanced down at her stack of hundreds… and it explodes all over her. Heck, if she’s a blonde with big breasts, you may have a patsy. Anyway, terrible robbery all around… and he’s in jail now. Might be worth it though. At least he won’t have to worry where his next meal is coming from. Just if somebody’s going to make him eat a meat sandwich for dessert. Stay in school, kids.

BRM: Undies – So I’m thinking of renaming my new magazine from “Bank Robbing Monthly” to simply “Snatch” to cover all forms of thievery. However, I’m also afraid that there’s more than likely another kind of magazine out there with that title… and is probably handed upon purchase in a brown paper slip. Anyway, this doesn’t even really have to do with banks… but I had to share. An unemployed woman who said she was desperate for money has been arrested on charges she robbed an Oklahoma McDonald's with a white stretch girdle wrapped around her face as a makeshift mask (probably recently used in an Oklahoma heat wave too). Authorities said 51-year-old Sharon Lain of Midwest City admitted to being the underwear-masked bandit who made off with the contents of a cash drawer from the fast-food restaurant around 3 a.m. Tuesday. A surveillance video captured the woman on tape and was broadcast on local television, prompting several tips (“I recognize those undies anywhere!”) that led police to a condemned home on Wednesday night where Lain was found living, said Midwest City Police Chief Brandon Clabes. Police found the underwear - a white stretch girdle known as 'spanx' (no joke) along with illegal drugs, including methamphetamine (gasp of surprise). "She admitted to her role in the burglary," said Clabes. "And we found the clothes she wore. This was a really bizarre disguise. I wasn't sure what spanx was. I've never seen a woman with one on; now I've seen one on someone's face." Police said Lain was a former night shift manager at McDonald's but was fired about a month ago. Lain told investigators she needed money and suffered from a gambling problem (and don’t forget the meth). She is being charged with second-degree burglary, possession of a controlled dangerous substance, possession of paraphernalia and illegal trespass. So yeah, she doesn’t qualify for a grade because it was a McDonald’s but it’s probably for the better because it was a place that she worked at (unless there was another inside man), she has the drug problem, I admire the spirit with the make-shift disguise but… seriously, putting your undies on your head? I can totally see McDonald’s just giving the cash drawer and being like “See ya when you’re hungry” and getting it right back within a month.

Just Plane Robbin’ Folks – Yes, it’s a bad pun. You should be used to them by now. French police have arrested an Air France stewardess (not pictured) on suspicion of stealing thousands of euros in cash, cards and jewelry as passengers slept on long haul flights, a newspaper reported on Tuesday. Police investigating thefts over several months on flights between France and the Far East picked up the 47-year old attendant identified as Lucie R. after she landed from Tokyo on Friday, Le Figaro said. "Her bank accounts showed an absurd gap between her lifestyle and her declared income," the newspaper quoted a police investigator as saying. Police launched an investigation in January after about 4,000 euros' ($5,170) was stolen from five passengers. The robber took advantage of sleeping passengers, taking euros, yen, and Swiss francs as well as watches, jewels, credit cards and even checkbooks. According to the newspaper, the woman, who worked mainly in business class, began her spree in March 2009 to ease financial problems and has confessed to 26 thefts (so obviously done a LOT more). Since January, there have been about 140 thefts, the newspaper said (see?). "The Japanese were ideal prey because they travel with lots of cash -- euros and yen -- instead of paying with credit cards," a police source said. Police found travelers' checks, blank checks and bank card numbers at her home. Just goes to show that you can never trust the French, especially at 35,000 feet.

Crappy Gig – American rock band Kings of Leon (great band, by the way) said they were forced to abandon a concert in St. Louis at the weekend after three songs because pigeons kept pooping on them from the rafters. The band left the stage at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater on Friday after bass player Jared Followill was hit in the face by one dropping. "Jared was hit several times during the first two songs. On the third song, when he was hit in the cheek and some of it landed near his mouth, they couldn't deal any longer," the Nashville band's publicist, Any Mendelsohn, said in a statement. "It's not only disgusting - it's a toxic hazard. They really tried to hang in there." Drummer Nathan Followill apologized on Twitter to fans of the Grammy-winning band which is made up of three Followill brothers and their cousin Matthew who plays lead guitar. "So sorry St Louis. We had to bail, pigeons s****ing in Jared's mouth and it was too unsanitary to continue. Don't take it out on Jared ... Sorry for all who (traveled) many miles. "The band was to continue its U.S. tour in Cleveland, Ohio, on Monday to promote its fourth album "Only By The Night" before heading to Canada and Britain. The country duo Sugarland was scheduled to play the venue on Sunday night. Now I want to go home and listen to their album… but yeah, it was literally raining sh*t on them as they played. It just goes to show how “rock bands” nowadays handle these kind of things. Just think, what would Ozzy have done? Oh yeah, he would’ve bit the heads off a few pigeons… placed their heads on a few drumstick spits… and then yelled, “Let that be a lesson to the rest of you f**king winged rats!!!” Then Oswald’s cousin Louis steps in to keep the peace and lead the pigeons off to a different perch to watch the concert. Apparently watching over others is in their genetic code.

Lettuce Help the World – Okay, last pun of the day I swear. An animal rights activist has caused a stir in Jordan's capital by covering herself in lettuce in a quirky attempt to persuade Middle Eastern meat lovers to go vegetarian (good luck changing anything over there). Crowds quickly gathered to gawk at the lettuce lady, but police were not amused. Officers briefly arrested the Jordanian activist, Amina Tarek, and a colleague from PETA (of course, I KNEW they would be involved with this story… but I didn’t think they allowed them into that region). The pair stood in a square along one of Amman's trendiest streets and held a placard reading "Let vegetarianism grow on you." Tarek says she wanted Jordanians "to turn over a new leaf." Police held them for three hours, saying they had not obtained permission for Sunday's protest. The activists say they had approval. The police responded with “Yeah? Well I burned it, so you’ll agree with whatever I f**king tell you. You’re in Jordan now, hippie scum.” Okay, that last sentence was made up… but seriously, you could see that, right? Yeah, once again, I mention this more for the picture than anything else. Do I think the world needs to go vegetarian? Of course not. I love meat. I think it’s part of a healthy diet. Has been since the times of the caveman. Do I think they should’ve been arrested? Hey, if you don’t have permission to protest, the law steps in. Be happy that you have the right to request permission to protest. Wait, that does sound a little weird now that I think about it. Permission… to protest? “Sure you can get on your soap box or speak out about some injustice… but make sure you fill out the proper paperwork no less than 7 days in advance so that we can anticipate the kind of adverse effect this will have on traffic & parking through that region.” Yeah, kind of silly to get permission to go against the status quo but hey… it’s Jordan, right? It’s not like there’s stuff like that here in the States (unless you look).

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully you enjoyed these tales of snatching… and if not, tomorrow might be different. Maybe there’s more hot chicks. I know you love those stories. Tomorrow’s softball (unless we forfeit again), Wednesday’s a date (oh yeah, can’t wait to see how this one goes), and then Thursday my mom & aunt come to town for the weekend which should be epic. Still plenty of time to take a road trip out here to join us. We’ve got a LOT of activities planned… and even more that we’ll stumble upon along the way. Have a great day everybody!!!

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Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was chilly. After the snow stopped, the skies cleared as they often do…but it was at night so that basically made it freeze over pretty good. It definitely was a snuggling night…but alas my snuggles went unsnugged. Sigh… oh well, the weekend’s almost here…and I could really use some extra sleep in the mornings. Oh and I’m going to be making Deviled Eggs, Bacon, and a few other things for Easter Brunch with the roommate. Apparently he had a very similar love/hate relationship with Deviled Eggs where he convinces himself that gorging on them once a year is okay…and when I told him that I know how to make them…and well…he just about crapped himself with excitement (either that or we may want to check the waste basket in the kitchen). So good times this Zombie Jesus Day. “What’s that you’re making there, $teve?” “Corned brain hash.” “What? Corned beef hash?” “Close, it’s corned brain hash…in honor of our Lord & Savior, Zombie Jesus, who came back from the dead on this day over two thousand years ago seeking revenge by eating the brains of those who tortured and crucified him for his message of Love & Forgiveness.” “(Silence) Are you f**king with me right now?” “What? No. That’s what I remember from church…and the Passion. Then again, I was really young and watched a lot of horror movies so…it might be a little off.” By the way, if you have to ask if I’m f**king with you right now, chances are that I am. Except with you. I’m always honest with you. See? This is my serious face. Here’s some news…

Basketball Camp – There’s a new movie that I have to see eventually. Malcolm D. Lee ("Soul Men," "Undercover Brother") is set to direct the sports comedy "Fantasy Basketball Camp" for Universal Pictures and Imagine Entertainment says Reuters. The story follows five guys who sign-up to the LeBron James Adult Basketball Camp in Las Vegas to live out their ultimate sports fantasy. They end up dragging superstar athlete James (who plays himself) into their own various life problems. Peter Steinfeld ("21" & "Analyze That") will pen a new draft of the original Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz's script. No word yet on who will play the five guys who sign up…but the potential for this is pretty damn good. LeBron James can be funny. You’ve all seen the SNL skits and various commercials over the years…plus throw in the director of the timeless classic “Undercover Brother” and you’ve got a lot of potential. Hmm… Maybe they’re looking for a really tall white guy that combines Hollywood good looks with undeniable physical prowess & basketball talent. I’d better update my resume. Something like this may keep me from a life of crime.

Bank Robbing Update – There seems to be a LOT of these stories in the news and on my blog lately…as usually happens during times of economic depression. Bonnie & Clyde, John Dillinger, Babyface Nelson, Pretty Boy Floyd, all during the early days of the Great Depression. However, these days the robbers seem to be…a little less Tommy guns and three-piece suits…and more, “They took our jobs!” than those days. South Carolina authorities (you already know it’s going to be good when I mention South Carolina) said a fishing crook never had a chance to land the big one. Police told The Times and Democrat of Orangeburg a robber tried to steal money bags from a bank's night deposit drop box using fishing line and hooks. Authorities said employees at a First Citizen's Bank in Orangeburg found a fishing hook in a bag last Friday morning and at least two other hooks in the box. One hook still had a small piece of fishing line attached. The bank said it has security footage of the would-be angler (though they couldn’t see the face thanks to a ridiculous hat…but they’re trying to match up the flies on it with local purchases & local gaming authorities, I’m sure). Police said the crook's task was impossible because the night deposit boxes are set up with trap doors so that once bags are dropped in, they can't be taken out the same way. Then one might ask, why isn’t there a trap door near the boxes for when somebody tries to fish out the contents? That’d be cool…and completely unexpected. A master thief is at work drilling and trying to crack the combination of the latest deluxe industry safe, taking their time, perfecting the art, trying to manipulate the components within this iron (KAFLUNK!!!), the trap door in front of the safe open & they’re then sent falling about 15 feet to a padded isolation tank until the authorities arrive as the door closes above them. And yes, of course there will be gas that can be put into the room to “calm” them to avoid a shootout or something of that sort when the authorities arrive. However, that’s not the point. A man thought that robbing a bank was like a children’s carnival game…but he soon found out that like all carnival games, they’re rigged for you to lose. SHENANIGANS!!!

Thomas Jefferson Update – One of America’s most prestigious Founding Fathers is Thomas Jefferson. President, Patriot, Statesman, Author of the Declaration of Independence, Cultivator of Marijuana, Partaker & Enthusiast of Brown Sugar, he was many things…but now, another distinction may be bestowed upon him…that of Zombie Pothead. Police in Des Moines, Iowa said they know only two things for sure about a mysterious parcel that was delivered to a residence on University Avenue. One, that it weighed 53 pounds (or 24 kilos). And two, that it was addressed to none other…than former President Thomas Jefferson. Seventeen-year-old Tanor Jimmison (hmm, fairly easy to make a mistake with that name), who received delivery of the package Tuesday, says he believes it contained marijuana, but whatever was in it has disappeared (hmm, vanished in a cloud of smoke perhaps?). Jimmison lives in an apartment funded through Youth Homes of Mid-America. He and YHMA employee Tanya Cano say they opened the parcel and Jimmison poked one of the two plastic inside with a knife to reveal what appeared to be marijuana. The two say they started to leave to report their find, but an armed man met them at the front door and forced them at gunpoint to hand over the plastic containers. Now, let’s assume that what they’re saying is true (and that’s a mighty assumption). What does this mean? It means that Thomas Jefferson has pulled a Zombie Jesus…and not only that, but he has a craving for brains & sticky icky…and he has armed himself. Can you imagine it? Founding Father zombies with advanced weaponry and an additional touch of the reefer madness? How could we possibly win? The Secret Service would be on their side & forced to protect them. Once a President, always a President. My God, do you think TJ has the nuclear launch codes? “You set them FREE??? Jefferson MAD!!!” “Mister President, what are you doing? You’ll launch our arsenal on China.” “RAAAGH!!! Your silk dresses and paper umbrellas can’t save you now, China!!!” And yes, that last situation was based on the assumption that Thomas Jefferson has only recently risen from the grave, some 200 years after his death, and has yet to read a history book or discover the internet…yet knows about nuclear weapons & launch codes. I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a stretch…but like all my previous girlfriends, you’ll learn to love it.

Chexting – Also a few more text message related updates on this blog recently…and this one is about Chexting, which apparently is a mixture of cheating & text messages. Clever? Meh. Golf superstar Tiger Woods and TV celebrity Jesse James, who is married to Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, have seen their lives unravel amid revelations of cheating on their spouses, in part by arranging liaisons via text messages. Their affairs have spawned a new word in pop culture, chexting, and raised the question of whether it really is cheating on a spouse. The experts say, you bet it is. "It's lipstick on the cellular -- digital proof that becomes evidence you've been unfaithful," says Peter Dedman of Predicto Mobile, the largest paid mobile community in America. In today's digital age, where cell phones come equipped with their own typing keyboards separate from the number pads, texting has become more popular than e-mailing for some, and sending a text from a small phone can be done almost anywhere. It is instant gratification and contact, but for those who have a hard time staying faithful, texting has become medium to facilitate their cheating. Los Angeles family law attorney Stacy D. Phillips says she's seeing more and more divorce cases involving spouses being unfaithful through technology -- including Internet chat rooms, instant messages and texts (Really? More than in the 80’s or 90’s? How is that possible?). Part of the allure, she says, is that the "chext" is not finished when both parties stop sending messages. "The person can keep re-reading the texts throughout the day, getting titillated all over again," she said. Victoria Namkung, co-founded of the website MyWorstDate.com -- where people submit their worst dating experiences -- says half of the website's submissions involve issues of betrayal through digital technology. She cites the story of a woman who was on her fourth date with a man who excused himself to use the restroom. Moments later, she received a text from the men’s room with a picture he had taken of himself in a compromising position. The woman was horrified, but no more than the man when he learned what happened. He apologized and just as she was about to accept his mea culpa (Really? She must’ve liked what she saw), he admitted: "I sent it to the wrong person in my address book!" The date soon ended (hmm, guess not that impressive). But if you send the right chext to the right person it is probably titillating, which keeps an affair going. "It's giving them a rush - it's exciting," said clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Stella Resnick. "The fact that they are not telling anybody else and sneaking around on their partner adds to the excitement." Resnick likens this behavior to that of a teenager rebelling against their parent. "If you're married, going against your spouse is asserting your independence. That feels sexy. If you're under somebody else's control, breaking out of that gives a feeling of exhilaration and power." But don't be fooled into thinking you're safe. If you've sexted and chexted, you might soon be "exted" by your spouse (sigh…I wonder what’s next. Nexting?). Dedman said one of the first places a suspicious spouse may look for evidence of cheating is a cell phone contact list (that’s why I keep that b**ch in my pocket. You have to get my pants off before you even have a chance at it). And deleting a chext doesn't mean it is no longer stored in a phone's memory, said Michelle Jerson, who hosts a radio relationship show on New Jersey 101.5, so you know she knows her stuff. "There's software you can download to retrieve erased data," she said. What’s the moral of the story? Cheating has a new format. This is right up there with Ricky Martin coming out earlier this week. Of course it does. Is Chexting cheating? Is sending a picture of your goods to someone who isn’t your spouse cheating? Of course it’s a form of cheating. Remember when you had to do that kind of stuff through the post office? Was it cheating then? Of course it was. Is it cheating if you draw a picture of yourself in a compromising yet stimulating position on a cave wall cheating? I’m fairly certain half of the pictures found on walls by ancient civilizations that archeologists say are of Gods, are nothing more than embellished portraits of some guy trying to impress a ladyfriend. That’s right, I said it. Kokkapelli isn’t a fertility God, he was some guy with dreadlocks who thought he was Ron Jeremy, so he painted it on the cave wall. I learned all about it at the Museu d’Erotica in Barcelona. Anyway, I guess just be safe out there when you’re sending pictures of your privates to your misters & mistresses. Sigh… I still only get sent the accidental messages that were intended for girls named Stephanie. “AH DUDE!!! Not cool.”

The Friendly Skies – I’ve been saying for years that the airline industry is seriously flawed in many ways…and even suggested some GREAT IDEAS to fix some of those problems…but this story stimulated even more. Flight attendants owed up to nine months' wages by a grounded Spanish airline have posed nude for a calendar to draw attention to their plight (is that what you call it? Maybe it’s lost in translation), one of the cabin crew turned models said on Wednesday. The calendar, numerous excerpts of which appeared in the Spanish media, shows the Air Comet attendants, all female, posing provocatively in and outside airline cabins, and in one case on top of a jet turbine (I’m assuming straddling it, feeling the power between her thighs…and missing me). "We are just demanding our rights to receive what is ours, we each have eight or nine months of unpaid salaries," attendant Adriana Ricardo, who appears in the calendar, told Reuters. Air Comet, run by the embattled chairman of Spain's main employers' association CEOE, Gerardo Ferran, filed for administration in December after a British court impounded nine of its aircraft at the request of German bank HSH Nordbank. So to reiterate, Spanish. Stewardesses. Nude. Calendar. For a cause. And yes, that's a real picture from the calendar. My sweet Zombie Jesus, I want to show their plight to the entire world. These sexy accented goddesses deserve their just rewards. I say we help them raise the funds. Hell, I suggested that we all donate to Haiti…and they never made a viable product that could be posted on every dorm room in America or were screwed (the bad way) out of 8-9 months wages. Hmm, I wonder if "Landing Strip" is their cut of choice downstairs.

On that note, I think I’ll call it a day. Some recent developments in Bubbles’ job search…but now it’s decision time for her…and it’s not the easiest kind when it involves moving. The road trip is just around the corner. Just over two weeks until I start my Fantastic Voyage along the PCH. It’s going to be EPIC!!! Will I have special guest stars? You betcha. Will there be beautiful pictures of some of the finest places on Earth? Of course. Will there be tales of debauchery, indecency, adult themes and language, and God willing, sexual content? One can only hope. Patience, my loyal readers. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives…and we’re down to about a dozen before the vacation begins. EPIC, I tell thee. EPIC!!! Have a great day everybody!!! Oh…and April Fool’s or whatever…

The First Half Was Amazing

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, as the title will foretell, the first half of the trip to Vegas was super awesome delicious...while the second half kinda sucked...but it could've been a lot worse. Let's see, where to start?

Friday, I watched some movies. While in Utah, it was "Vertigo" starring Jimmy Stewart & Kim Novak...and I think that I really like Hitchcock movies. It's the story of a detective (Stewart) that's afraid of heights and resigns from the San Francisco police after a traumatic experience. Then an old classmate of his contacts him as a private detective to trail his wife and find out the meaning behind her mysterious behavior. Well, what follows is a tale of murder, intrigue, betrayal, Love, Passion, ghosts, obsession, revenge from beyond the grave and a whole lot of other dark, twisted and awesome stuff...you know, without all the gore and stuff that you see nowadays. I would highly recommend it. Genuinely creepy throughout...and a great nailbiter if you're into that stuff...which I am in this case. Go rent it today.

Later on, I hung out with my dad for a few hours and we watched one of Lilie's favorite movies, "Ratatouille" which I'm sure you all have already been forced to see at least once being within 50 feet of children in the past year. It's a cute little story about a rat who wants to be a great chef...and the busboy who's his little puppet. Just go check it out. It's Disney & you know that you'll love it. Don't even try to deny it. Still say that French food is overrated...but Lilie did promise to make me some ratatouille to prove me wrong. We shall see.

That evening, I finally flew over to Vegas, Bubbles & Harpie picked me up at the airport and we went straight to the Strip to get some jello shots and watch "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" starring Megan Fox and...who the hell cares? Now, when I watched the first one, it surprised me how good it was given the material to work with...and Michael Bay directing (and knew that Megan Fox was going to be HUGE). This one though, pretty much lost me. Now, for an action flick, yeah it has a lot of nice CGI robots kicking some ass and all...but don't even try to comprehend the story because there's so many loopholes and nonsensical character development that it just becomes really cheesy, metaphorical and seems...about 45 minutes too long for some reason. Then again, that may have been the few slow-motion shots of Megan Fox running...which seemed to go on for a while...but I doubt it was 45 minutes. Towards the end, I basically leaned over to Bubbles and said, "Are you sh*tting me?" She agreed...but hey, it was just a little too cheesy for my taste. That's all. I'm sure my brother still thinks it's the greatest movie ever made...but I would strongly disagree. I'd say...not even the best that I watched on Friday. One last thought...

Saturday, Bubbles & I went to a weekend work get-together at one of her boss' cribs (very very nice) and we had a nice selection of food & beverages including pineapple mojitos and mango sangria...and there was Guitar Hero World Tour...so a good time was had. Afterwards, we went to get my present for Bubbles, a wonderful little lamp that meets her needs ten times better than the one she was currently using - adjustable (dimmer), esthetically pleasing, and best of all...free and no assembly required (to/by her). I also got to see Keanna & Barbie...and Keanna was SUPER excited to see me, her Cookie. Because it was Bubbles' birthday, I didn't get to spend a lot of time hanging out with Keanna...but she got me a present...and you'll get to see it later.

That night, we went to Fremont Street and some of the bars in that area. First up with Hogs & Heffers, which is basically like a biker bar...with with girls in leather bikinis dancing on the bar ala Coyote Ugly...and it was a lot of fun (but the drinks were HELLA expensive). After that, we went to the Griffin, which was a little more low key (even darker than the biker bar but more contemporary per se) and we had a few drinks there too (I cut myself off early being the designated driver). Then we went to PT's and had a good time there until about 3 AM then headed for home. I had made sure that nobody drank TOO much to not enjoy their Sunday...but apparently there were other plans in store.

So, long story trying to be shorter, about 4 AM, Bubbles is complaining about her stomach hurting...but not the usual drunk stuff...and basically for the next ten hours or so, she isn't doing good. Trying to go to sleep but having to get up every thirty minutes or so to pray to the porcelain god...and of course, I'm playing the role of nurse making sure that she has a wet washcloth, ice water and the fan blowing when she's feeling too hot...or covering her in blankets when she's cold...and trying to make her feel better...but obviously after a while it was just beyond my control...so then we went to the ER. Now, for those of you who don't know, the hospital is just about my least favorite place in the world. Not a lot of good memories (other than going to see Vinny for the first time) and it just wears on me. There's a reason that I wasn't a doctor...and it wasn't the memorization of body parts & functions. It was everything else.

How does it wear on me? Well, picture that you've been up for about 30 hours straight at this point...and the last ten or so watching somebody that you care about in horrible pain and there's really nothing that you can do for her...and you feel like it's your fault because you were the one who enabled her to drink...even if you were keeping an eye on her...and of course, the ER is full of similar stories. Whether it's the guy who passed out from dehydration in the 120 degree weather (later found to have certain herbs in his bloodstream) or an elderly man from the VA who hit his head and has no idea where he is or what's going on and has to be restrained because he keeps hitting himself on the bump on his head...and keeps crying out, "Please help me! Please help me! Where am I?" and no matter how many times you answer him or try to keep him focused, it continues...for hours. Meanwhile, I'm there trying to keep an upbeat attitude and making sure that my friend knows that I'm there for her...and everything's going to be okay...and try to put her at ease with some human contact, a gentle brush here, a reassuring word there, yet trying not to be funny because laughing makes everything hurt incredibly. Then they do the blood work, ultrasounds, cat scans, everything trying to find out what her ailment is. It just wasn't the greatest place to be for anybody...but I had to be strong and hope that it helped her somehow in the pain that she was in...and I did it. I held out. What really helped was that I could gradually see the color going back into her cheeks and I even caught a glance of a smile here and there when I rubbed her back...so it was all worth it. Besides, the only reason that I mention how I feel...is because it's my blog. In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter how I feel...because it's all about her feeling better. Enough of my ranting on that...

Well, after about five hours, they found out what they think was wrong and gave her some prescriptions to help with the pain and nausea...and she's doing much better. Obviously, we spent the night at home watching "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" marathons after that...so no wild sendoff for $teve or anything...but that's historically how it works out anyway. No bother. I was exhausted anyway. However, through the night I was still a little worried, especially when I would start to doze off and then hear a cough down the hall and would rush to see if she was okay. Basically, to put me at ease, I slept at the foot of her bed right next to her dog Brutus. How sad is that? Anyway, it helped put both of us at ease...and though it wasn't the greatest slumber of my life, I caught a few resting moments here and there.

This morning, we woke up around 7:15 and headed for the airport...but didn't get there until 7:55 AM. No bother, my plane doesn't leave for 45 minutes....so it should be fine...or so I thought. "Sir, did you know that your flight leaves in about 15 minutes?" "What? I thought it was 8:40." "Nope, it's 8:20. If you think you can make it in that time though, I'll put a rush on this bag." "How's security?" Shrugs shoulders, "Are you a good runner?" "Like O.J. in those Hertz commercials as long as Homeland doesn't tackle me." "You should be fine then." Then what followed was about everything that could go wrong in such a scenario. Families blocking entire hallways, moving walkway construction, old people dropping pockets of change in the security line, no trays to put my pocket stuff in...or my shoes that are painful to take off (by the way, I pulled a muscle in my lower back Saturday night while helping an inebriated woman and not bending at the knees) and just about everything else...but I was jogging like a champ (a stinky champ...but a champ nonetheless) and made it just in time for them to let me on the plane. As luck would have it...the only seat left on the full flight...was on the front row with plenty of leg room. How's that for Karma giving me a high five?

Then I flew home, took a shower, and basically started typing out this thing. Now I'm probably going to go take a nap or something, since you're all caught up. Also, please say a little prayer for Bubbles and Barbie, who was sick this morning when we were leaving...so it very well may have not been the drinking at all that led to the ER visit...as originally suspected. Maybe I was a good watchdog. Who knows? So yeah, please send them well wishes in your thoughts...and send out a few to all the people that you care about too. They deserve it. Have a great day everybody!!!