Packers of Green Bay

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let’s see… last time was right after George Clinton… so yeah, I think it was mostly work & unpacking during the week. I’ve been getting to know my roommates a bit… and I like ‘em. I approve. For example, Friday night I came home from work… and one of them (haven’t come up with good num de plume’s yet) has started her weekend a little early & is going for the Jack Daniels. You know what? We’ll call her Jackie Daniels… or Jackie D. Anyway, Jackie D was there & I had just gotten back from running a few errands. She is very outspoken & friendly… and we have VERY similar tastes in music, random references & we both know that the Eagles are the greatest team in football. She greeted me with “Happy Friday!!! Drink up!!!” and you really don’t have to suggest it to me twice… so she offers me some Jack in the fridge… but I’m a lightweight… so I want to mix it with something… and my choices were basically water, cranberry juice or what I chose… grape soda. Yes, I like grape soda… and I was convinced that if it turned out to be a good combination, that I would have to come up with a good name for my new cocktail. Gladly, there is no pressure to come up with a name for this beverage. It was like… grape flavored cough syrup… but in no way helping you fight disease.

We watched movies, laughed a lot, drank a bit, just had a merry evening when the other roommates came to join the festivities. Saturday was a beautiful day so I went walking around a bit… but had laundry to do to so stayed in the Presidio. That evening though, another roommate… we’ll say… Carmen since she’s from San Diego (which I believe is German for “the whale’s vagina”) invited me to a cocktail birthday party on Nob Hill for her friend. So we dressed up (as I do so well) and went to Le Club, which has a swingin’ 20’s atmosphere… and met the birthday girl’s family… but we were out of there after about an hour. It was one of those situations where I think she invited me because the only person she knew was the guest of honor… so she wanted me there to talk to, just in case. After Le Club, we decided to go to a bar near our apartment called The Final Final to play some darts. Alas the dart boards were spoken for… but the billiards table was not… so we played a few games, met some drunk gentlemen who challenged us to a game, and I’m pretty sure it was only so that they could see Carmen bend over when she shot… but whatever, we all got a great show.

Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday (in case you missed it) and the three of us (Jackie D, Carmen & Dr Love) went to another one of Carmen’s friend’s parties for the Big Game. The drive over was nice except for a little traffic getting to the 101, but it was okay because we know how to have fun in any situation apparently. The party was great with lots of food & drink, good people, and even the game wasn’t too bad. The commercials left something to be desired… but hey, we’re in a recession I guess. One interesting point was when Jackie D & I were just having a good time and getting each other’s references and just laughing at our own jokes… so one of the guys asked how long we’d been friends. “Well, we met for the first time… what? Two weeks ago? I moved in last Wednesday, then went to Vegas for four days… so we’ve known each like… a week? Maybe?” “Really? Because you guys seem like you’ve known each other for years.” “Well… Game recognize Game” then we toasted as we both got the Snoop Dogg reference. Good times.

Later that night, Bubbles sent me a text saying that she and her friend were watching movies (and drinking wine for hours) at her place, so she invited me over for a bit… and I wasn’t sleepy at all… so I went and saw a Katt Williams “LIVE” standup special… and I approve. Good wine, good friends, good times.

Monday, I basically spent the evening trying to set up my computer, PS3, etc so that they were ready to go… and I also got a special delivery… TWO NEW ROCK BAND GUITARS!!! See, my original had become useless after the four moves that it’s been a part of… so I found a good deal online… and got two of them for future Rock Band parties can involve a little “slappin’ da baaaass” and maybe even guitar duels. I’m still undefeated… though I’ve only done it twice… and they were both against Kyles (well, technically my brother Kiel & Lilie’s fiancé Kyle, but you get the drift). That’s really it that night though.

Wait, I did go wandering through the Netflix menu on the PS3 and found a gem that you might like… called a pretty low budget early 90’s sci-fi thriller called “Cyborg 2”. Why do I even mention it? Well… because it stars Elias Koteas (“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, “The Prophecy” & now one of the “Law & Order” series but I forget which one), the late great Jack Palance ("City Slickers" for you young'uns) and… wait for it… an extremely young Angelina Jolie as a sexual time bomb. No really… that’s the plot of the movie. She’s a super sexy cyborg… with a bomb in her, set to go off at the appropriate time for a (messy) assassination. Now, I’m not going to lie… but I kinda fast forwarded through most of this movie because… well it was late & you could tell in the first few minutes that it probably wasn’t worth full theatrical attention for nuances and such… but then, as you may have guessed, about ¾ of the way through the movie, BOOM!!! It happened… gratuitous sex scene with full on boobage. See, the Lord works in mysterious ways… but apparently he loves me… and loves us all for sharing this thing of beauty in the most random of places. Do I recommend this movie? Absolutely… but for all the wrong reasons. Besides, if that’s all you’re looking for… check out “Gia” too. Have I done an Angelina Movie List yet? I don’t believe so. In fact… I’m thinking the only Female Actresses I’ve done such a list for… are maybe Milla Jovovich & Elisabeth Shue… and I did do that one of actresses who have worked with Mickey Rourke. Not exactly award winners… but hey, I may have to devise one for Mrs. Jolie-Pitt. Hmm… haven’t done one for Brad either, have I? What was my point? Oh yes, Angelina’s breasticles… go forth & Google away…

Tuesday night, Bubbles wasn’t feeling well, so I got her a bottle of red wine (her request) and she relaxed while the roommates and I had a little Movie Night (though not complete because there was no popcorn, booze, etc). The first movie was “RED” starring Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, Brian Cox, Karl Urban & Mary Louise-Parker (damn fine cast… including Ernest Borgnine… and I know what you’re thinking, and yes he’s still alive). The story revolves around Frank Moses (Willis) a retired CIA operative who in his retirement, has decided to make a move for a girl he talked to on the phone a few dozen times in Kansas City (Parker) but at that time, for some reason people are trying to kill him. He picks the girl up because they may try to come after her next (his only contact the past few years) and that’s how they meet. Nice, right? Well, he starts to find out why they’re after him… and so he asks for help from his fellow retired friends (Freeman, Mirren, Malkovich, Borgnine & Cox) to help him. That’s the story. The movie is actually pretty damn hilarious… and I highly recommend it. It’s not dirty, bloody or anything like that… but just great acting, some pretty ridiculous scenarios & just a lot of fun. I can’t believe this movie wasn’t a bigger hit… but hey, now you can save $30 and just rent it for a dollar at your local grocery store.

Next was “The Social Network” starring Jesse Eisenberg & Justin Timberlake, which as I’m sure you know (since you’re reading this online) is about the story of the founding, business boom & lawsuits involving Facebook & founder Mark Zuckerberg (played by Eisenberg). It’s actually a pretty damn good movie which I highly recommend. It does kind of paint Zuckerberg, the world’s youngest billionaire, as a bit of an egotistical prick of a brilliant man-child… but at the same time, it’s just a great story about our day & age… and how a great idea can be so simple & fundamental… but in the right (or wrong) hands can be completely capitalized or destroyed. Being a nerd, I found certain parts hilarious… and I almost hate to say it… but Justin Timberlake can kind of act. Sure, he was playing the flashy & arrogant founder of Napster Sean Parker who comes along but I’ve seen a few movies with him (“Black Snake Moan”, “Alpha Dog”, etc) and he’s yet to really disappoint (and no, I haven’t seen “Love Guru”). Anyway, great flick from director David Fincher (“Se7en”, “Fight Club” & “Alien 3”).

Tonight, who knows what’s going to happen? I’ve got “Machete” from Netflix, so I’m sure that’ll be involved… and I think I’m going to finally arrange the living room appropriately. See, we’ve been trying to literally give away this old couch but… we’ve been getting the run around on Craigslist… so we may just give it to Goodwill if they’re willing to come pick it up, but I may also be giving them some stuff so… I think tonight we’ll do the final moving around to see what stays & what goes. I’m quite excited about it… because I want to have a big housewarming party with all the neighbors… and right now it’s still kind of an eyesore. Well, enough about eyesores… because as promised…

Angelina Jolie Movie List

Medal Winners

Gold – Mr & Mrs Smith (2005) – Don’t judge me! You know I love this movie… and it’s a great movie… and it made them a family. Deal with it!!! If you haven’t seen it, watch FX. It’s always on there.

Silver – Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) – As you know, I feel that if you want a movie to be a huge blockbuster action flick… just give Angelina a gun & film it. It’s the “high society” version of those films of girls in bikinis with machine guns… you know, like on “Jackie Brown”? This is pretty much the pinnacle of it… because she’s basically in short shorts, tight top, strapped, English accent, and God damn it just look at her. The sequel wasn’t bad either… and she got to work with her dad Jon Voight for a few seconds (though I understand they don’t get along too well… but hey, that’s family business). Other good flicks to check out for this particular fix are “Salt”, “Wanted”, and even “Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow” which I haven’t seen in a few years… but I remember her being a “futuristic” space general with an eye patch like something out of Starship Troopers… so I may have to watch it on Netflix again.

Bronze – Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) – I don’t particularly care for her as a blonde… or with dreadlocks… but there’s just something about a gorgeous girl getting excited when talking about muscle cars that just gets me equally excited. Sigh… I miss my Baby… but alas, even though this isn’t the finest flick for… really anybody in this movie (Nicolas Cage, Giovanni Ribisi, Robert Duvall, Vinnie Jones, Delroy Lindo, Timothy Olyphant, Scott Caan, Christopher Eccleston, even Chi McBride had better) I still enjoy it on a primal level. Oh yeah… remake of the same title that starred Michael Caine, about stealing cars… for a reason. You’ve all seen it. Please do not front.

Suggestion – Changeling (2008) – This movie was downright gripping at some parts. Directed by Clint Eastwood (so you know it’s good), it’s the story of a woman in the 20’s in LA whose young child goes missing. Well, a little later, the police say they’ve found him… but the child seems different… like completely different… and you would think a mother would know. Did they bring her the wrong child? Why won’t the police (Jeremy Donovan) believe her? Has she gone mad? It’s pretty good… and she gets to flex her acting muscles. Some others that I would recommend are the romantic comedy “Life or Something Like It” with Edward Burns (I remember it because it came out on my 21st birthday), “Taking Lives” which was a fairly predictable thriller with Ethan Hawke, “The Bone Collector” which was a better thriller with Denzel Washington & Angelina as a lady cop (EEooEEooEE!!!), “Gia” which is the HBO biopic movie that made her a star (and aforementioned boobage), “Original Sin” which is a sexy thriller with Antonio Benderas, “Playing by Heart” which is a chick flick that was forced upon me by former coworkers… but actually wasn’t that bad, and did you know that she was apparently in the Fox series “Hackers”? Yeah… I didn’t watch it either. It must’ve been in that Friday night timeslot like “Firefly” was…

Flush It – Wanted (2008) – You know, if I say a movie is too gory, then it probably is. Though I do like the epic voice of Morgan Freeman crying out, “Shoot THIS Mother F**ker!!!” as much as the next guy… and the quick shot of the Jolie’s joli is always appreciated… but yeah, the movie never needed to be made. “Cyborg 2” was pretty close… but boobage. I always rag on “Alexander” because… well, you might’ve seen it, but it wasn’t THAT bad. Just an hour or so longer than it really needed to be. Seriously, he died when he was in his early 30’s, right? It’s not like he’s Gandhi. I also just want to give a little bit of a razz to virtual Angelina in movies like Kung Fu Panda & Shark Tale and such where it’s just her voice… but one movie got it right… and that is “Beowulf” and if you don’t know, now you know.

Future Watch – Cleopatra (2012?) – Hollywood is all abuzz about the possibility of Angelina as Cleopatra & Brad Pitt as Marc Anthony & I think rumors are flying about Steven Spielberg directing or some crap like that but… you never know until it hits the silver screen. I think the DVD for “The Tourist” should be coming out soon… because I missed my chance with this whole moving thing over the past month or so. Looking forward to that. I’ve also never seen the movie that made her an Academy Award winning actress “Girl Interrupted” and I’m not sure why… but it may have something to do with being about crazy chicks. I get enough of those in my daily life. It’s like a firefighter who goes home to watch a marathon of “Backdraft” & “Ladder 49” or something.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Thanks for listening to me ramble about the last week or so. Hopefully you enjoyed it. If not, maybe next time. Valentine’s Day is coming up on Monday, so this weekend should be great for those people. Sigh… historically this hasn’t been my favorite time of year… but whatever, I’m thrilled to be in San Francisco… and I’m surrounded by wonderful people… and I’m sure that I’ll find something incredible to do to celebrate the holiday… even if by my own damn self. Have a great day everybody!!!

Wurst Case Scenario

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My weekend was full of football, laundry & cleaning… and slushy snow… and I watched “Scrooged” with the roommate (holiday classic). Oh… and I was also checking into apartment pricing in San Francisco… and then I shat myself with shock… and then looked some more… and I’m getting really excited about the possibility of moving to San Francisco. However, nothing really new since the last update with regards to the job opportunity details. They want to interview me obviously (because they probably had the same reaction to my amazing resume as I did with their housing prices) but that’s as far as I’ve heard. Everybody thinks that it’s a good idea if the circumstances are right… even my dad’s lightening up to the idea (probably because I told him that others were willing to help me move & I reminded him that there’s really only two large pieces of furniture that I move now (my couch & an oak dresser… and even that isn’t bad). By the way, how about that Las Vegas Bowl matchup? Utah against Boise State!!! That should be a great game… in Vegas… but alas, the bowl game that I’m REALLY considering going to… is the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl at AT&T Park in San Francisco (where the world champion Giants play) where Nevada’s playing Boston College. We’ll have to wait until I know the situation with regards to… well, everything… but I’ll be sure to keep you posted on that.

The other night, I finally watched “Jonah Hex” starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox & John Malkovich. It only lasted one week in theatres… and I had other plans already… so I missed out on the theatre experience. I’m glad that I did… because the movie was pretty f**king lame. For those who don’t remember, it’s the story (loosely) based on the DC Comic of a former civil war vet named Jonah Hex (Brolin) whose family is burned alive in front of him by a vengeful Confederate general Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich) & he also brands Hex’s face as a memento of the occasion. While left for dead, Hex is found by Crow Indians and brought back to life… and apparently has the superpower to talk to dead people (I guess it has its utility) and he searches the Old West seeking vengeance… but then Turnbull dies… so now he’s a bounty hunter. With me so far? Okay, long story short, inexplicably there’s a superhot prostitute (Fox) who is smitten with Hex… and then they found out that Turnbull isn’t dead… and in fact, he putting together this ultimate weapon made by Eli Whitney (yes, the cotton gin guy) to destroy the North… and so President Grant (Aidan Quinn) employs the services of Jonah to save America. Now, it was definitely better than “Wild Wild West” but had eerie similarities to the overall feel… but with a dash of lots of violence (though PG-13 for the kiddies), writing from the guys who brought you “Crank” and just… a lot of loop holes. Malkovich was pretty creepy as the bad guy (as he usually is) but even then it was… I don’t know, it seemed wasted… like when you see Sir Ben Kingsley in these video game adaptation movies like “Bloodrayne” or something. Josh Brolin was okay given the material (I’m sure direction was “you’re angry… aaaand… action!”) and God bless her, for her four minutes of screen time even Megan Fox did okay… given the fact that she was playing a prostitute in love with a heartless bounty hunter. Eh, it only wasted about 80 minutes of my life… and I got to see Megan Fox in a corset for a few minutes. It could’ve been worse. Now for some news…

Cash Update - "The Man in Black" was dressed in blue as he rehearsed for a 1969 concert at San Quentin. The embroidered blue jumpsuit that Johnny Cash wore to practice caused a bidding war during a memorabilia auction Sunday, bringing in nearly 10 times what was expected. The suit was expected to sell for $5,000, but was eventually claimed for $50,000 by a collector from Belgium, said Darren Julien, president and CEO of Julien's Auctions in Beverly Hills. He would not name the buyer. The auction of 321 lots sold for over $700,000, nearly twice what was expected, Julien said Monday. The late country singer was photographed in the suit giving a concert photographer "The Finger." Yes, THAT photo, which was also used in a 1998 Billboard magazine ad purchased by Cash's record company to sarcastically thank Nashville and country radio after he received a best country album Grammy for "Unchained." "Johnny Cash is highly collectible. He's got global appeal, especially for a country artist. He was the first country music artist who was collectible. He set the standard," Julien said. An international group of fans, collectors and investors took part in the auction, by phone or in person, he said. A poster announcing Cash's performance at the prison sold for $25,000, a 1968 passport for $21,875 and a Martin guitar for $50,000. A shirt made by Nudie Cohn and worn by Cash when he was grand marshal of the American Bicentennial Grand Parade in 1976 brought in $31,250 and a pair of Cash's knee-high boots sold for $21,875. Cash died in 2003 of complications from diabetes. Because he performed at prison so often and led a rather rowdy life early in his career, many people believed he served time in prison. He did not, although he battled drug addiction over the years and received a suspended jail sentence in 1965 on a misdemeanor narcotics charge in Texas. Pretty nice, huh? Also, in case I didn’t mention it earlier, Cash’d Out (the Johnny Cash tribute band) will be performing at the Knitting Factory in Reno this Friday. Tickets are on sale if you’re interested… and who knows? Maybe I’ll be bored and go since Bubbles won’t be coming until Saturday. She’s going to be my +1 to my company’s 1st anniversary gala on Sunday. Elegant evening attire, great coworkers, dancing at a very prestigious location & the best arm candy in the place… obviously not all women get to be that lucky, but then again… she’s a special woman in black… like a female Johnny Cash.

Advertising – This next one comes from friend of the blog Lilie who was apparently Christmas shopping when she stumbled on this gem. The holidays are a time for catching up with cousins, stuffing your face with food and, now, gratuitous lingerie. Canadian undergarment proprietor (how fancy does that sound?) La Senza is serving up the Cup Size Choir, a collection of lingerie-clad singers. Labeled A-G (for giggidy!), the high notes are based on the model's cup size. Don't expect any real-life Mariah Careys on here: The models got some serious help hitting the right note. The real goal obviously is to show off the lingerie, which happens every time you press a key, and the model sings as she sinks into her plush, velvety bed… you know, for demonstration purposes. The funky website currently has an automated version of "Deck the Halls," but the real fun is in making your own soundtrack by clicking on the keys and sharing your masterpiece with friends. "Jingle Bells" is cool, but if you can recreate the "Beverly Hills Cop" theme "Axel F" then you will be a golden God in my book. Anyway, feel free to give it a shot… and maybe find somebody for that special lady in your life.

German Repo - A German woman who splurged on breast implants with a loan from her then boyfriend now fears her assets could be re-possessed after she failed to fully reimburse him, the 20-year-old woman told Bild newspaper. Her ex-boyfriend is demanding that she return the 4,379 euros ($5,865) he gave her to pay for her breast enlargement surgery in 2009 or he'll call the police and get the repossessors involved, Bild reported on Wednesday. "It's true that Carsten signed a loan agreement shortly before the operation," the woman named only as Anastasia is quoted saying. "The condition was that I wouldn't have to pay him back if I stayed with him for a year." But the pair split shortly after she underwent the plastic surgery. The woman said she had transferred 3,000 euros into her ex-boyfriend's account last week (probably from her NEW boyfriend) but I guess this will be settled one way or another. The only question is… what exactly WOULD happen if they repossessed her breast implants? I mean… okay, she’s flatter again (which by the way, ladies, not that big of a deal) but… does the guy just get to keep the implants? Do they go back to the surgeon? Does the same surgeon have to be the one to remove them & then he’s reimbursed? I’m just curious about the whole logistics… and who benefits from it. Does the ex-boyfriend get money back? Does the surgeon for removing the implants? Does a notary have to present for the surgery? If so, sign me up for notary duty…

Wurst Case Scenario – Also in Germany, a small-town butcher said on Monday he faces steep bills after a wild boar tore through his shop in an hour-long rampage but will at least recover some of his losses by selling slices of the slain beast. The boar wandered out of a nearby forest and into the shop and caused about 5,000 euros ($6,600) in damage before being shot by a Jaegermeister (local master hunter), butcher Rainer Kraemer told Reuters. "Insurance covers theft and fire, but the butcher shop isn't covered for a wild boar attack," said Kraemer, whose shop is in the town of Hoehr-Grenzhausen near the western city of Koblenz. The 130-kg (290 lbs) boar will only fetch about 400 euros in ham and wurst sales after Kraemer finishes carving it up… but hey, it’s better than nothing. Luckily, there was only one customer in the store during the attack who escaped with only a minor injury. "Once the boar pushed through the door, I quickly helped the customer out of store and then went to try to guard the production equipment," said Kraemer. He and a sales clerk were unhurt in the rampage but unable to stop the boar. It sounds like something out of a Grimm Brothers tale, right? Like there should be a moral at the end like, “Don’t be a glutton in a house of gluttony, otherwise you’ll be on the menu” or something like that. I don’t know, maybe I’m just weird.

Political Satire Gold - "Austin Powers" and "Meet the Parents" director Jay Roach is set to direct a politically themed comedy which Warner Bros. Pictures just won the rights to reports Deadline. Zach Galifianakis (“The Hangover” & “Due Date”) and Will Ferrell (“Anchorman” & “The Other Guys”) are attached to the film in which the pair would go head-to-head as political rivals hoping to become presidential candidates. I would expect a lot of personal attacks (“You look like a fat Jesus!” “Yeah, well at least I wasn’t in Land of the Lost!!! That movie was an abortion of cinema!” “YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!”). Further details aren't forthcoming, but it is known that Chris Henchy ("The Other Guys") and Shawn Harwell ("Eastbound and Down") will pen the script. Roach, who directed the award-winning HBO political dramedy "Recount", hopes to get the film in theatres around the time of the 2012 political election. Roach, Galifianakis, Ferrell and Adam McKay (“Step Brothers”) will produce. Sounds like it has great comedic potential… so we shall see. Will it beat out “Head of State” for my highly coveted Presidential Movie List Gold Medal? Only time will tell… but they’re off to a great start.

MACHETE KILLS!!! - The end credits of "Machete" said the character will return in a sequel called "Machete Kills" and everybody took it as an ode to the somewhat campy grindhouse movies that it was based on (like “Shaft’s Big Score”, etc). However, in a recent red carpet interview via Bloody Disgusting, titular star Danny Trejo says things are further along on a potential sequel to the film than you might expect: "I asked (Robert Rodriguez) when he was going to write it and he says it's written, so we can get started pretty quick. We went all over the world with that movie and people kept having me sign these Machete action figures, it was a lot of fun. I don't even think Robert Rodriguez even expected that reception and now everyone is waiting for Machete Kills so hurry up Robert Rodriguez!" says Trejo (who really wants another big paycheck). Rodriguez has hinted before (in the same end credits) of a film trilogy with the third being titled "Machete Kills Again". Well, I’d watch them. I’m already anxiously awaiting the Blu Ray release of Machete… and the greenlighting of “Werewolf Women of the SS” but I’m pretty sure that Machete’s going to happen first.

Well, that’ll do it for today. Again, not a whole lot going on in my world other than the possibility of relocating yet again… but it’s still the early stages of that hypothetical transition. I should know more in the next few days… but in the meantime, have a great night everybody!!!

You're Just What I Needed

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, my mom’s off to Asia. She called me this morning as she was boarding the plane…and apparently she’s going to miss me. I’m sure she’ll get over that when she sees the Forbidden City, Okinawa, and everything else over the next month. Oh well, I’ll just have to do with the metropolis of San Francisco, the majesty of the Pacific Coast, an entire city populated by Angels, another city ripe with sin & decadence, then a week back home…all while spending time with those that I love. I’m sure I’ll get over it too. Anyway, that’s really about it for me so…back to you, $teve.

Johnny English Sequel – Have you seen “Johnny English” yet? Well you should. Also, Universal Pictures and Working Title are assembling a sequel to the spy comedy "Johnny English" says Variety. The 2003 James Bond satire had Rowan Atkinson starring as an inept British Intelligence worker called into service after every secret agent in the country is wiped out in an explosion at a funeral. He soon uncovers a plot by French prison entrepreneur Pascal Sauvage (John Malkovich) to steal the British Crown Jewels. The original cost a modest $40 million and even though it flopped in the U.S. ($28 million), it did very well overseas with a global $161 million haul. Oliver Parker ("St. Trinian's") is onboard to direct with the budget expected to be around the same. The move is seen as an example of the struggling studio's new plans to avoid high-cost, high-risk fare. Hamish McColl ("Mr. Bean's Holiday") penned the screenplay and Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner are producing. Filming kicks off in August. So there you go. Also, I think I know of the perfect big name American actor who could fill the shoes of Malkovich in the sequel…and may be looking for a good paying gig…

Nicolas Cage Update – Ladies, Nicolas Cage may be looking for a home. Okay, probably not, but now that I have your attention, a Bel-Air mansion owned by Nicolas Cage has found no takers in a foreclosure auction. The opening bid for the actor's 12,000-square-foot home was $10.4 million, but there are $18 million worth of loans on the property (that’s $1500 per square foot or over $10 per square inch). The Tudor mansion boasts six bedrooms, a central tower, home theater and an Olympic-sized pool. The house reverted to the foreclosing lender at Wednesday's auction in Pomona. Even though he's one of Hollywood's highest-paid stars, Cage has money troubles. He owes millions in unpaid taxes and in January his foreclosed home in Las Vegas sold for nearly $5 million. Cage sued his former business manager in October for $20 million, claiming the man's advice led him toward financial ruin (never should’ve invest in our children’s future). The ex-manager says Cage is a spendthrift. It’s amazing how this happens to some stars & big wigs…but it’s really hard to feel sorry for them at the same time. How much was he asking for his house? Oh about a thousand times what I made last year after taxes? Sounds a little rich for my blood. Maybe if I get a good rate on a loan… nah, Bel Air’s not my cup o’ tea. Best of luck to you sir. I hope that you get a fair price for your property and are able to get out of financial debt…because I don’t want you to have to do another Ghost Rider. No one should be subjected to that.

Beer Strike - Scores of Carlsberg workers walked off their jobs in protest Thursday after the Danish brewer tightened laid-back rules on workplace drinking and removed beer coolers from work sites (GASP!!!), a company spokesman said. The warehouse and production workers in Denmark are rebelling against the company's new alcohol policy, which allows them to drink beer only during lunch hours in the canteen. Previously, they could help themselves to beer throughout the day, from coolers placed around the work sites (f**k your water coolers, America!!!). The only restriction was "that you could not be drunk at work. It was up to each and everyone to be responsible," company spokesman Jens Bekke said. Carlsberg had mulled a stricter drinking policy for years and finally decided to impose the new rules on April 1st (seriously, April Fool’s Day? Is this a joke?), prompting protests from the staff. Bekke said around 800 workers went on strike Wednesday and around 250 walked (or rather stumbled) off their jobs Thursday, resulting in interruptions to beer transports in and around Copenhagen. Carlsberg's truck drivers joined the strike in sympathy — even though they are exempt from the new rules, Bekke said. Oh…and yeah, you read that correctly. The truck drivers…are exempt from the rules involving not being drunk while working. Specifically, the truck drivers are permitted to bring three beers from the canteen because they often don't have time to have lunch there. You know, it’s like the Danish equivalent of ADA but for the drunk driver that’s always on the go. Sigh… don’t worry, the trucks have alcohol ignition locks preventing the drivers from driving drunk…or at least over the legal limit. So in case you’re wondering why your local grocery store doesn’t have Carlsberg brand on the shelf right now…well, there’s a lot of reasons why…but this is just the newest. I’ve toured a few breweries where the employees get to test their draft…and it was like walking through a screening of Billy Bonka & the Beer Factory. There was a guide in a crazy get-up, answering questions in little quips before breaking into song, a river of lager with a boat made of pretzeled bread, short migrant workers speaking what must’ve been Elfish, twinkling neon shimmering off massive vats of barley-based ecstasy. During our testing after the tour, a few samples in, I swear I could hear the tour guide singing, “Take one drink, then you’ll sink, into a wooooorld of pure inebriation…” but then again, I’m pretty sure that was a Family Guy episode. Damn alcohol (and head injuries) has rotted my memory. My God! Do you think other beer companies would go on strike? Will this disease spread south into the Netherlands, Bavaria, the Czech Republic, maybe even…cross oceans? No, no I refuse to even think about it. I refuse to even imagine a world that’s as dry in every way as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. That would truly be the end of the world. “Oh $teve, you’re crazy. There’s no way that would happen. Besides, haven’t you been saying for years now that snakes will destroy us all before striking brewery workers, global warming, nuclear holocaust or a Miley Cyrus Oscar?” First off, thank you for heading my warnings…and secondly, when you’re right, you’re right…but I had already thought of that…

Apocalypse Update – We’ll never make it to a world without beer? Well, the evil snake forces of the Apocalypse have already infiltrated Germany. Authorities in the German city of Muelheim spent over 100,000 Euros on a three week mission to recover ONE missing snake -- only to discover it had died (or sacrificed for the good of the snake forces). "We had to do everything in our power to find this cobra," said Volker Wiebels, spokesman for the city council. After the highly poisonous monocled cobra (yes, cobra…apparently wearing a lensed eyepiece) escaped from its container in March, fire services cleared the entire apartment block, removed all the furniture and gutted the owner's flat (before stuffing it into intestinal lining & marinating it in beer). They then sealed all the doors and windows of the building, so the 30 cm (1 foot) long reptile couldn't get out, and set large sticky traps to catch it, Wiebels said. Officials finally found the snake lying dead in the rooftop apartment of its 19-year-old owner on Thursday. By that time the cost of the operation had ballooned to about 100,000 Euros (about $135,000). Taxpayers are likely on the hook for 40,000 Euros, because an escaped snake is considered public hazard, Wiebels said. The rest falls on the owner, who paid 70 Euros for the snake at a local reptile trade fair. It was unclear if the city would get its money back, because the man is currently unemployed. "The snake may have been cheap, but unfortunately what happened next wasn't," Wiebels said. To summarized, one foot-long cobra…brought an entire city of 170,000 people to its knees…and cost six digits to find…and when found, it was conveniently dead & gutted in the apartment where he first went missing. The snakes are using our own policies against us. They know that if there’s a venomous snake entered into an environment of a worldwide financial leader like Germany…and in an area where it could survive…then they could bring down their enemy from the top-down. New children’s tales about evil one-eyed snakes (remember, he was monocled) that spit poison into your eyes, both killing Germans & stopping them from reproducing (“Ew, get that one-eyed snake away from me!”). Also, costing obscene amounts of money searching for them…when they’d obviously have to retreat to the ground to survive the bitter cold. Alas, the people of Muelheim wouldn’t stop searching until they found it…so the slithery council decided to sacrifice Raput, the assassin from India for the greater good…and placed his body in an area that was easy for the authorities to find, unable to be tortured for their plans of poisoning the water supply (why I only drink beer & whiskey). Still think I’m crazy? Well then, you explain it Detective. In the meantime…just stay outta my way…and when the Apocalypse comes…I’ll try not to say I told you so…

Mind Reading Machines – Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What the f**k is he thinking?” Probably a few times reading this blog…but help is on the way to answering that somewhat rhetorical question. Mind reading may no longer be the domain of psychics and fortune tellers — now some computers can do it, too. Software that uses brain scans to determine what items people are thinking about was among the technological innovations showcased Wednesday by Intel Corp., which drew back the curtain on a number of projects that are still under development (yet still kept the curtains over the Weather Dominator). The software analyzes functional MRI scans to determine what parts of a person's brain is being activated as he or she thinks. In tests, it guessed with 90% accuracy which of two words a person was thinking about, said Intel Labs researcher Dean Pomerleau (Boobs or Booty?). Eventually, the technology could help the severely physically disabled to communicate. And Pomerleau sees it as an early step toward one day being able to control technology with our minds (and probably the other way around too…but shhhh…it’s a secret). "The vision is being able to interface to information, to your devices and to other people without having an intermediary device," he said. For now, the project's accomplishments are far more modest — it can only be used with prohibitively expensive and bulky fMRI equipment and hasn't yet been adapted to analyze abstract thoughts. The system works best when a person is first scanned while thinking of dozens of different concrete nouns — words like "bear" or "hammer." When test subjects are then asked to pick one of two new terms and think about it, the software uses the earlier results as a baseline to determine what the person is thinking. The software works by analyzing the shared attributes of different words. For example, a person who is thinking of a bear uses the same parts of the brain that light up when he or she thinks of a puppy or something else furry. A person thinking of a bear also shows activity in the amygdala — home of the fight-or-flight response. While Intel primarily makes computer processors and other hardware, it often works to develop and demonstrate new technologies in an effort to stimulate the market and advance its reputation. Other innovations on display at Wednesday's Intel event in Manhattan included:

• Cell phone technology that would use motion, GPS and audio data gathered through users' cell phones to track what they're doing and who they're with (and who they’re doing and what with). The technology can distinguish activities such as walking, giving a business presentation and driving. It also compares audio readings from different cell phones to determine who is in the same room (remember Dark Knight?). This would allow users to share their activity information with their close friends and watch avatar versions of their friends throughout the day. It would also let users track and analyze data about how they spend their time. Yeah, that’s the application they’re selling you on…but we all know what it’ll really be used for. Big Brother stuff.



• "Dispute Finder" technology that monitors users' conversations and Internet browsing to warn them when they encounter contested or inaccurate information. The software mines the Internet to find instances in which writers have claimed something is untrue. It then uses speech recognition technology to monitor conversations. So…like a bullsh*t finder? Uh oh. The days of my blog may be limited…but this’ll eventually become a lie detector or something.



• A transparent holographic shopping display that could be used in department stores to point consumers to featured items. Shoppers could also use the giant screen to search the store's inventory, call up maps, and send item information to their cell phones. Oh yeah, holographic employees to help you. “Excuse me, I’m sorry… could you make this a redhead with a higher skirt & a low cut? Thank you. Hello Miss, I’m looking for a new camera.”



• A TV set-top box that connects wirelessly to your laptop and monitors your Internet search history, as well as your TV viewing, to offer relevant video. Why? So the wife can know that I’m watching porn on my laptop while she’s taking the kids to soccer practice? “Roger, why does it keep telling us that ‘The Lord of the G-Strings’ just started on another channel?” “I don’t know. Oh, maybe it’s because I was watching Lord of the Rings the other night. That’s it.” “Now it’s recording ‘Miss Wu and her Amazing Panda Show’ what the hell?” “Oh really? Miss Wu is on? Holy crap honey, you’ve got to see this. Kids!!! Bedtime!!!”
  
  

So in other words, combined with Sexbots, iPads, and all that other technological crap, we may very well be on our way to living in a Philip K. Dick story. Then again, that may be the least of our worries if the snakes have anything to do with it. Man, this entry started out with a Johnny English sequel and then just kinda went downhill after that. Sorry about that. If only there was a story around that had something good to end on…like a message of hope…or a tale of my native state of Utah…or just a cute picture of a puppy…or even a funny pun…

In Deep Shih Tzu – How about all of the above, b**ches??? A stray dog is recovering after getting run over by a freight train — TWICE. Fred Krause of Utah Railway Company says he spotted the cream-colored Shih Tzu on the tracks Sunday near a high school in a Salt Lake City suburb. Krause, who was operating a train, says there was no way to stop before it ran over the dog, which was small enough to avoid actually being hit. Krause says he spotted the same dog on the return trip and this time the pup wasn't so lucky. The dog was running on the tracks and got whacked by the train's snowplow. Krause drove back to the site later and found the dog, which was still dazed and lying on the tracks (ugh…it got hit by a train). Krause and his family in Clinton are nursing the dog back to health and are calling him "The Little Guy." Why? Because everybody roots for the little guy…and had he not been so lucky, he’s be called “Shih Tzu Stain” or something. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Yeah, that’ll do it for today. Sorry for my message of impending doom before the weekend…but hey, the weather’s lovely so go check it out. Do something with someone that you Love. Hell, do something with everybody that you Love. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Check the Breasts

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been busy busy catching up on my tasks since taking a few days off for San Francisco. Can’t wait to see what awaits me when I get back from Road Trip 2010 but I’m not worried. I can take it. So… I discovered something the other night flipping through the channels. See, some of the cable channels after like 10 PM, have these horrible soft core porn shows on…and I guess I never noticed it before. Why did I notice it this time? I’ll tell you why. I was flipping through the channels…and on Spike TV was the 2006 “The Hills Have Eyes” remake…which I can assume was completely edited, even for Spike. Then I scroll down a bit…and there’s a movie on another channel called “The Hills Have Thighs” and it was just starting. “Hmm, what the hell?” So I flip to it…and there’s this guy wandering through Zions or something…and it’s trying to be all creepy like the movie with “What’s that noise? Is somebody there?” type stuff…and then two big breasted cave-dwelling mutants come out and basically rape the guy to death (without showing anything besides big fake chesticles). Anyway, I’d love to tell you what happened afterwards…but I just couldn’t stomach watching anymore. Did I mention the girls weren’t that attractive? Just doing a public service announcement for all you parents out there. P.S. I DVR’d that latest episode of South Park…and sex addiction & Tiger Woods and whatever…and I did notice that all of the commercials were about Girls Gone Wild & Extenze. Pretty funny episode though. Check it out.

Also, something you should check out...is "Quarantine" starring Jennifer Carpenter ("Dexter") and Jay Hernandez ("Hostel"). I will gladly admit that when the previews for this movie came out...and it was basically just the night vision girl screaming as being dragged into the dark, I immediately thought "pass" and that was that. More so, when I was told it was the whole "Blair Witch", "Cloverfield" shot through a video camera thing, I thought "double pass" because I still want the camera guy in Cloverfield to be the first one to die. Annoying as sh*t. However, this movie was actually pretty damn sweet. Okay, for those who don't know, it's about a TV news reporter (Carpenter) & her cameraman who are shadowing a local fire department when they're called out to a disturbance. They get there & find an elderly woman with blood on her...and then she attacks one of the men. Basically from there, it slowly and steadily gets creepier...and then it just gets f**king nuts. I'll admit there were a few points where my roommate and I were like "Turn on the f**king flashlight" & "Get out of the way, we can't see" but it was actually a very well done horror flick...and that takes a LOT for me to say. I suggest that you check it out, especially if you're into horror flicks. Best one I've seen in a while.

Now for a movie you can pass on, I would suggest never acknowledging "The Ugly Truth" starring Gerard Butler & Katherine Heigl. "$teve, why the hell did you watch this movie?" I'll tell you why...because Gerard Butler had like five movies come out last year...and nobody watched them in theatres, so I had to see if it was because of him or what. Is he just the next Colin Farrell? Time will tell. Anyway, it's a romantic comedy about an crazy uptight superhot TV producer (Heigl) who is teamed with a chauvinistic TV personality (Butler) in order to get her channel ratings. She then meets her neighbor doctor and wants to marry him...but she needs some help...so who's going to help her? Yeah. There were a few funny parts...but I just didn't feel it...and you know me, I have a soft spot for romantic comedies. Okay, that's a lie...but I know funny...and I know BS. Katherine Heigl would have no problem getting a man if she were covered in blood and foaming at the mouth like she was in "Quarantine" so don't try to sell me on that. So anyway, here’s some real news…

Obama: Man of his Word – Stop right there, I’m not going to talk about the whole health care reform thing. This isn’t one of those blogs. I’m talking about another thing that President Obama came through on. A US envoy delivered two cases of beers Friday to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to settle a bet US President Barack Obama lost when Canada beat the United States for Olympic ice hockey gold. David Jacobson, the US ambassador to Ottawa, delivered a case of Molson Canadian and an extra case of Obama's brew of choice (Yuengling from America's oldest brewery in Pottsville, Pennsylvania) to the doorstep of the prime minister's official residence at 24 Sussex Drive -- just in time for breakfast. Canada beat the US squad three to two in overtime in a thrilling match-up on February 28th to become the first Olympic host nation to capture men's hockey gold in 30 years (Lake Placid, USA). Under the terms of the friendly wager, if the United States had won the match, Obama would have received a case of 24 beers from Harper. Harper's spokesman Dimitri Soudas said both cases of beer would be sent to the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto for display (unsportsmanlike conduct for gloating?). Why do I mention this? Because for the first time in history…an African-American will be in the Hockey Hall of Fame. Truly a pioneer in many ways. I wonder if Canada even realizes it yet.

Mistaken Identity – Speaking of gestures of good faith, the Brooklyn police commissioner personally apologized Friday for the 50 or so mistaken, door-pounding visits that police have made to the home of a bewildered elderly Brooklyn couple in the past eight years...and gave them a cheesecake. It seems a glitch in computer records had led them over and over to Walter and Rose Martin's modest home in the Marine Park neighborhood, about 7 miles southeast of the Brooklyn Bridge. The most recent intrusion came Tuesday, with officers pounding on both the front and back doors, yelling "Police, open up!" On Thursday, detectives from the NYPD's Identity Theft Squad went to see the Martins again — this time to apologize. "And we wanted to be sure perps weren't using that address for identity theft," NYPD Deputy Commissioner Paul Browne told The Associated Press on Friday. The detectives told 82-year-old Rose and 83-year-old Walter that Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly had ordered them to solve the problem, which started eight years ago and was first reported this week in the New York Daily News. To bring home the sincerity of the NYPD's contrition, Kelly showed up Friday at the Martin's house with a gift: New York cheesecake. The commissioner rolled into the quiet Brooklyn neighborhood at midday, stopping in front of the Martins' small, neatly kept house, a large American flag fluttering by the front door. Kelly "went to apologize — and to explain," Browne said. "They expressed appreciation that the police commissioner came and they showed him pictures of their grandchildren." The snafu started in 2002, when police used the Brooklyn address as part of what Browne called "random material" to test an automated computer system that tracks crime complaints and records of other internal police information. Before that, the work was done manually. The couple first complained about the harrowing police visits in 2007, when Rose Martin wrote a letter to Kelly. "And we identified the problem then," Browne said. "It was a mistake by the police department." Police wiped the Martins' address from the system. Or so they thought, Browne said. Instead, the visits continued, and some computer files bearing the Martins' address stayed in the system. "We thought all the test data had been purged, but apparently it had not," Browne said. "The Martins' address ended up migrating to various complaint forms and warrant information." Most of the visits came in 2006 and 2007, he said. After the latest, "We realized we still had a problem and went back and further purged the records," the deputy commissioner conceded. To make sure it will never happen again, Browne said the address has been flagged with alerts, so if there's any record indicating officers should question the Martins, "they're barred from doing it." Rose Martin has asked the department to write her an official letter to that effect. "It seems like too simple a correction for something that has been going on for eight years," she told the New York Daily News, which first reported the story. So yeah, due to a computer glitch, these two have been harassed for the past few years by Brooklyn’s Finest…and not Richard Gere. The best part though…is if I’m an aspiring criminal, I may want to set up shop in the Martin’s home. “It says on this report here that there’s been suspicious traffic at the home of 845 Polk Street.” “Damn it, that’s the Martin’s place again. The system must have a glitch.” Then someone comes in over the radio, “Dispatch this is car 62. We have an officer down, shots fired at 845 Polk Street, please send medical. There seems to be about a dozen men, heavily armed, SWAT requested…” “Stand down car 62, that’s the Martin’s place again…just leave them be. We don’t want another PR fiasco.” “What? No, there seems to be a major shootout. We have an officer down…and three bystanders.” “It says here in the system that it’s all a computer glitch.” Anyway, enough of that grizzly stuff…

Check the Breasts - Polish feminists have objected to a hospital's breast cancer prevention slogan which they say encourages workplace harassment, the Gazeta Wyborcza daily said on its website on Monday. The slogan "I check the breasts of my workers on my own" was devised by a cancer hospital in the southern town of Opole (oddly enough my penis’ nickname) and aimed at convincing employers to encourage their female workers to have their breasts checked regularly for cancer symptoms (apparently by coworkers). "This is a sexist slogan that obviously brings sexual molestation to mind," the head of the Feminoteka foundation, Joanna Piotrowska, was quoted on the website as saying. "This campaign treats women as objects and is not far removed from advertisements in which girls flaunt their breasts over car bonnets (what?). I wonder if this would be equally funny if it were changed to 'I check the penises of my workers on my own'." Yes. Yes it would. In fact, that may even be funnier. And I think it’s sexist that you don’t have signs with catchy slogans about preventing testicular cancer. Oh really? You can’t come up with any? Allow me to do your job for you. “Do you have the balls…to check yours?” or “I feel for lumps three or more times a day” or I can even make it rhyme so it’s even catchier with something like “Why do I love my wife? Because she made my day…and saved my life.” I can send you some prints if you want. Anyway, maybe I’m getting a little off point. The message is to check yourself…and it’s a humorous twist on it. Why? Because it’s memorable. Somebody’s attention (not breasts) will be grabbed by the sign, “I check the breasts of my coworkers on my own? What? Oh, Opole Medical Center. Haha, that’s funny. Oh, that reminds me, I need to schedule my checkup with Dr. Wobatrowzski.” Oh…and just because something brings molestation to mind, doesn’t really mean much. If I see somebody handling & comparing honeydews at the grocery store, is that woman sexually harassing me? (F**k I wish) Do I tell a mother breastfeeding her child to “Get a room!!!”? If I wander past a bakery and see somebody forming a batch of dough, does that make me sexist because of the thought in my head (which really could be anything from hunger to gently fondling to cheat codes for Contra)? Seriously, I’m a guy. I hear a bird chirp…and I think about breasts…and often times how I can save them from cancer and snakes and volcanoes and stuff. Does that mean that the catchy slogan is sexist? No, not at all. And let me know the email address to send those prints too if you want to make it all square…and you should pay attention to my advice…because I AM a doctor.

Bank Robbing Update - A fugitive wanted for bank robbery in Michigan is in custody after police say he walked out of a Pittsburgh hospital and into a bar wearing only his hospital gown... with an intravenous needle still his arm. Authorities say police were called to JR's Bar Friday night after 20-year-old Elbert Lewis Thompson II walked in from Allegheny General Hospital. Thompson was taken into custody a short time later. Police in Vandergrift say Thompson had been detained by officers after fleeing a traffic stop there, about 25 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. He was initially hospitalized after complaining of feeling sick and losing consciousness.Thompson is wanted in Oakland County, Michigan, for armed robbery and other charges. It was not immediately clear if he had an attorney...or a pair of pants. Ha, that must've been a chilly walk over to the bar in that paper dress. Then he sits down, drugged out of his mind, needle still in his arm. "What'll it be, buddy?" "Just hook me up to the tap." "Ugh... I'm not sure that's safe... and would you mind putting this towel over that seat so I don't have to burn it later?" However, there's some help on the way for people who don't find the paper hospital gowns adequate.

So Long, Paper Dress - Some good news for hospital patients: a gown that won't let you down. Stylish hospital gowns that snap down the side were unveiled in Britain on Tuesday, intended to replace those shapeless cloth sacks with useless ties that flash open at the worst possible moments. Designers were given 25,000 pounds ($37,500) each to develop prototypes for products that would increase patient dignity (a difficult task if you're walking around with a plastic bag that you pee in). The plan, backed by the government and the Design Council, aimed to use Britain's design talent to improve its oft-criticized health system. The most eye-catching product was a jaunty striped hospital gown by U.S.-born fashion designer Ben de Lisi. Made from high-quality cotton in a classic pajama-stripe pattern, it includes a pouch for a mobile phone (or medication or tic tacs or whatever) and comes accessorized with a snuggly fleece blanket (not the Snuggie...yet). "Fine feathers make fine birds," said de Lisi, who has made dresses for stars including Kate Winslet. "If you look good, you'll feel good. Patients in hospitals are at their very lowest ebb, and you want them confident and buoyant so they can ask doctors the questions they need to ask." (Does this make me look fat?) Other designs included "modular bed pods" that improve privacy by funneling sound from bedside chats down instead of out and a recovery chair modeled on first-class airplane seats and designed by the team behind Virgin Atlantic's sleek Upper Class cabins. Health Minister Ann Keen, a former nurse, said the new gowns would improve the hospital experience for everyone and could even help President Barack Obama in his efforts to overhaul U.S. health care practices. "We can export our ideas to President Obama, who has been very successful but needs that extra bit of support," she said. The Labour government has promised to get the designs in hospitals across England next year...if it wins a national election this spring. See? There's always a catch. Oh yeah, we'll make your hospital experience somewhat tolerable...but what's in it for us? Well, I just like the idea of a hospital fashion show... with the occasional gasp as the models make their turn in the standard paper robe... and the new nurses outfits with "that extra bit of support" that we all need... and sleek & stylish catheters. Oh yeah, that sounds awesome to me. In other medical news...

Dr Horrible Movie? – Wait for it. Don’t get too excited just yet. The Great NPH (Neil Patrick Harris) tells MTV News that a sequel to Joss Whedon's online sensation "Doctor Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog" could hit the big screen. "Apparently they're making a 'Dr. Horrible' sequel - a feature film... I don't know of what scale. They're talking all options, because they made the first 'Dr. Horrible' in five days on no budget at all - that was its intention. You don't want to necessarily make the feature film be an $80 million giant movie, because it defeats the purpose of what the first film was made to be [but] then again, you don't want it to be so low-brow that it's not worth paying money to see as a movie" said the award show host, sitcom star and John Barrowman poll rival. The 2008 42-minute short film is a musical tragicomedy about the rivalry between aspiring supervillain Dr. Horrible (Harris) and his nemesis Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) over their mutual love interest Penny (Felicia Day). Do you realize what this means? $teve may be going to Hollywood. Why? Well, who else is going to play the handsome nemesis Captain Hammer? Nate has “Castle” to shoot…and they’ll need a star of equal or greater handsomeness and charisma (who will also work for scale). We’ll just have to see when they want me in Tinseltown to start shooting. It’s all speculation right now anyway. Oh…and if for some reason you haven’t seen the original, for God’s sake click here. It’s free…and you can check your Facebook updates while you’re watching if you want. P.S. Chances are…if they make it into a feature film, the first 42 minutes may be the original…followed by an hour or new material. God luck, Joss!!! Call me…and might I suggest Eliza for the female lead, Miss Opedia (new evil doer who wears black leather & hates children). “Mmm… why yes Miss Opedia, the rumors are true. The hammer IS my penis.” Okay, it’s a work in progress…but wait until I bust out the golden pipes…and yes, that’s a double metaphor for both my singing & sexual prowess. Anyway, don’t want to give too many of the surprises away…

Malkovich Update - "$teve, why wouldn't the Fox play Miss Opedia?" Well, she'll apparently be busy with all of her other franchises...and hopefully getting paid more. Apparently, Transformers 3 is well under way...and with a few outstanding casting calls already firmed up...including an Oscar winner (GASP!!!). Updating his official blog, Michael Bay made a couple of announcements about the upcoming third "Transformers" with the big surprise being three more names have joined the cast, all of which are surprising additions. Here's the key bits to his posting: "'Transformers 3' has been going very well. We are going to shoot in LA, Chicago, Washington DC, Florida, Texas, Africa, Moscow, and China (so...how much money are you spending on it? More magical teleportation?). On the talent front, we just locked in Frances McDormand and John Malkovich (ugh...he's f**king Malkovich). Both amazing actors I've always wanted to work with. We also just got Ken Jeong, he is the super funny actor stuck in the trunk from “Hangover” and the Doctor from “Knocked Up.” We start shooting pre-shoots in about one month. I also was at a Ferrari charity event this week raising money for a hospital being built by Ferrari in Haiti. I announced that night the newest Autobot to join Transformers: the Ferrari 458 Italia." So basically, blah blah blah JOHN MALKOVICH blah blah blah Ferrari. The John Malkovich is going to be in Transformers. What role will he be playing? Shia LaBeouf's boss (who will probably try to and succeed in stealing his girlfriend if I know my Malkovich). Frances McDormand will play the National Intelligence Director...and Ken Jeong will probably be the overly-abundant and poorly executed comic relief. That would be my guess. Oh...and there was one other reason to watch this movie no matter how much it sucked...

So that’ll do it for today. By the way, if you haven’t checked out my pictures from San Francisco, just keep scrolling down. You might see something that you like. If not, eh. You wasted two minutes of your life. Good luck trying to get those back. Have a great day everybody!!!

Pillow Talk in 7.1 Dolby Surround Sound

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So…I talked to Kairi last night…and she wants to come see Uncle $teve’s house…and play in the ocean…and ride on an airplane. So I may have a few special guests on a portion of my road trip come April when I hit the Pacific Coast. I’m thinking we may meet up in the LA / San Diego area so that the ocean’s a little warmer than in San Francisco though. Anyway, something to think about. Another busy busy day…but it’s all good, because as promised, I was able to find a few moments to bring you the news. You’re welcome.

Pie Eating Championship - A first-timer made mincemeat of the competition in the World Pie Eating Championships on a few weeks back, devouring his in under a minute. Supermarket worker Barry Rigby, 36, won the title by finishing his regulation meat and potato pie in 43 seconds at Harry's Bar in the city of Wigan in the United Kingdom. However, it was not quick enough to beat the world record of 35.86 seconds, set by Adrian Frost in 2007. "I was really surprised to win, I think my two boys will be very proud of me," said Rigby, who only entered the contest on a whim. "The pie tasted great. I am a big pie fan, I eat between 10 and 20 a week at least." (Mmm… Oh wait, I think we’re thinking of different pies) Last year's winner Fred Wyatt, a 61-year-old warehouse packer, came second (sometimes it takes the older guys a little longer). The competition started in 1992. The pies are 12 centimeters wide by 3.5 centimeters deep and must have a 66% meat content. Harry's Bar owner Tony Callaghan said cheating was not tolerated. "Gravy has traditionally been the performance-enhancing drug of choice amongst pie eaters at this level, but we banned it after a series of questionable concoctions were created by contenders. Specifically we're told that dry tickly cough linctus works particularly well in lubricating the throat and causing a mild anesthetic effect which enables faster swallowing," he said. The championships took place a day after Chinese snooker player Ding Junhui won his weight in pies -- 276 of them, four for each of his 69 kilos (152 pounds) in weight -- by claiming the UK Championship title. However, despite all these feats in pie eating mastery, one questions still remains. What the f**k is a snooker player? I’m gonna have to Google that. Apparently, it’s billiards…but with more balls. Check it out.

Milla Update – Some of you may have forgot about my baby mama…but she’s still out there making movies. Granted not a lot of them make it to a theatre near you but I’m sure the vast majority are pretty good. We all mess up and make “.45” though. Anyway, Overture Films has picked up the U.S. distribution rights to John Curran's thriller "Stone". The story follows a convicted arsonist (Edward Norton) who uses his wife (Milla Jovovich) to manipulate a parole officer (Robert DeNiro). Angus MacLachlan penned the script and David Mimran, Jordan Schur and Holly Wiersma produced. A 2010 release is planned. That’s right. Ed Norton & Bobby DeNiro are back together again (“The Score”) and they added a little eye candy (Milla’s MUCH hotter than Marlon Brando). Should be a good one.

Malkovich Update – Picking up a few career advice tips from his “Jonah Hex” costar, the lovely Megan Fox, it seems that the great American actor John Malkovich has learned to make some serious dough by doing comic book adaptation movies. Enough of this making award winning films like “The Great Buck Howard” or being able to say the F-Word dozens of times in a Coen Brothers flick, the real money’s in the ComicCon crowd. That’s why he’s allegedly interested in signing on to do not one…but TWO such movies. First, we’ll go with the one that he’s signed on to do. John Malkovich has replaced John C. Reilly on Robert Schwentke's comic book adaptation "Red" for Summit Entertainment reports Variety. The story follows a former black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his secret identity compromised and his love interest in danger, Frank must reassemble his old team to figure out who is out to get them. Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Mary-Louise Parker, Julian McMahon, Ernest Borgnine (yes, still alive), Richard Dreyfuss, Brian Cox and James Remar also star. Filming kicks off in Toronto and Louisiana this month for a release in the Fall. Sounds okay? Yeah, give or take. I’m weary of a movie were the average cast age is well over 50 years though. Now for somewhat more exciting news to most…and that’s that the rumor is…that the Malkovich may be in talks to play the Vulture if/when “Spiderman 4” ever comes to fruition. That is all. Apparently it’s speculation & inquiry, nothing solid…and I consider myself a respected news source…like Fox News…and Wikipedia.

Subway Sexy - Hundreds of New Yorkers have been riding the city's subway trains in their underwear. They stripped down to their undies on Sunday for the ninth annual No Pants Subway Ride. The idea is to act like nothing unusual is going on (and keep from getting frostbite). Participants met up at six locations throughout the city. They formed groups and dispersed to subway stations to catch trains. Once inside the subway cars, they began calmly removing their pants and folding them up. Most people read magazines or chatted with their companions like any other straphanger. The event started in 2002 with just seven people. It has spread to other cities. The stunt is organized by Improv Everywhere, a group that says its mission is to cause "scenes of chaos and joy in public places." Honestly though, I don’t think the potential of this thing is being realized. Everywhere I go, I hear about recycle this and save the Earth that. You know what, give me some incentive. Why should I be inconvenienced so that somebody else’s kids can enjoy the world after I’m gone? If you want me to use public transportation, give me girls in their underwear. Think about it. I’ve often wondered why there were so many poles on buses and subway cars. It just seems like wasted metal (covered in the mucous & other bodily fluids of the homeless). Polish up those poles and give daddy a dance. If not for me…then for your planet. Gentlemen, they may need some funding. Please have exact change ready. Not enough for ya? You want more change for the planet? Maybe a little something a little more specific to you? Alright…because I love the ladies, how about this?

Going Green & Feeling Fine - When world leaders in Copenhagen argue for days in knife-edge talks to save the planet, what more fitting way to relieve the tension than an environmentally-friendly vibrator? The global sex toy industry is worth an annual $15 billion (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste. But now one Irish company reckons they've got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world's first-ever "green technology sex toy". The Earth Angel (ah, Back to the Future reference) described as "eight inches (20 centimeters) with a sleek white finish", is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom. "You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it," said Janice O'Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget. "So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations," she told AFP. She added: "I've only used it a couple of times, and it's fantastic. It's very intense, and sometimes, at the top level, depending on the person that's using it, it can actually be too intense sometimes. That's why we have four different levels on it." The vibrator is made of 100 percent recyclable materials and the couple hope that it will encourage sex toy fans around the globe to do their bit for the environment (tehehe, “do their bit”). "We want to change the way that people view adult toys and the adult industry as a whole. We wanted to produce an environmentally-friendly sex toy that appealed to all consumers. Every industry has an obligation to do as much as they can to reduce the effects of climate change and by developing this new technology we hope that others will follow suit and look for alternative ways to design and manufacture their products." Chris O'Connor is the brains behind the power-storing technology that he said could be applied to any small power device, such as electric toothbrushes. He said climate change had been his primary motivation rather than sexy fun (but it doesn’t hurt the motivation). "When I was a child we'd have months of good weather. Now that's totally changed, 100 percent changed, in this country. And that's why I decided I'd try to make a change for the better, for the planet." Public morality in Ireland is still traditionally Catholic, so producing the green vibrator there was out of the question (it is manufactured by a British-based company) while financing it proved an obstacle course. But the O'Connors, both practicing Catholics, believe God is on their side. "In all fairness, wouldn't God want something that's green and that doesn't do any damage to the environment?" asked Chris. An Earth Angel costs 70 euros ($100) plus shipping costs and around 1,000 have already been sold to people seeking its special brand of "sustainable pleasure". So there you go. You’re welcome, ladies. Now for the BIG news of the day…

Vegas Sexbot Update – It has finally happened. After years of following trends (and sharing some of my own theories) in the Sexbot Industry, it has finally hit the world’s grandest stage – the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. I KNEW I should’ve gone this year. This was going to be the year. But noooo, I had to go home for Christmas. Anyway, a New Jersey company says it has developed "the world's first sex robot," a life-size rubber doll that's designed to engage the owner with conversation rather than lifelike movement (yeah, that’s great). At a demonstration at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday, the dark-haired, negligee-clad robot said "I love holding hands with you" when it sensed that its creator touched its hand. Another action, this one unprintable, elicited a different vocal response from Roxxxy the robot (Yes, that’s her name). The level of sophistication demonstrated was not beyond that of a child's talking toy, but Roxxxy has a lot more brains than that (allegedly). There's a laptop connected to cables coming out of her back. It has touch sensors at strategic locations and can sense when it's being moved…but it can't move on its own, not even to turn its head or move its lips. The sound comes out of an internal loudspeaker. Douglas Hines, founder of Lincoln Park, N.J.-based True Companion LLC, said Roxxxy can carry on simple conversations. The real aim, he said, is to make the doll someone the owner can talk to and relate to. "Sex only goes so far — then you want to be able to talk to the person," Hines said. The phrases that were demonstrated were prerecorded, but the robot will also be able to synthesize phrases out of prerecorded words and sounds. The laptop will receive updates over the Internet to expand the robot's capabilities and vocabulary. Since Hines is a soccer fan, it can already discuss Manchester United, he said. It snores, too. Funny, so would I after talking about soccer for five minutes. Owners will also be able to select different personalities for Roxxxy, from "Wild Wendy" to "Frigid Farrah," Hines said. He's charging somewhere from $7,000 to $9,000 for the robot, including the laptop, and expects to start shipping in a few months. A Japanese company, Honey Dolls, makes life-size sex dolls that can play recorded sounds, but Roxxxy's sensors and speech capabilities appear to be more sophisticated. Hines' goals are certainly more far-reaching. An engineer, Hines said he was inspired to create the robot after a friend died in the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks (WWWWHAT?). That got him thinking about preserving his friend's personality, to give his children a chance to interact with him as they're growing up. Looking around for commercial applications for artificial personalities, he initially thought he might create a home health care aide for the elderly. "But there was tremendous regulatory and bureaucratic paperwork to get through. We were stuck. So I looked at other markets." Hmm, a market without a lot of regulation & paperwork but still offers BILLIONS of dollars in capital. Good choice. The broader goal of the company is still to take artificial personalities into the mainstream, beyond sex toys, Hines said. "The sex robot thing is marketing — it's really about making a companion," he said. Yeah, the sexbot thing is just marketing…because sex sells. It’s really about making a companion…out of a toaster. In a 2007 book, "Love and Sex with Robots," British chess player and artificial intelligence expert David Levy argues that robots will become significant sexual partners for humans, answering needs that other people are unable or unwilling to satisfy. Isn’t that a little sad to anybody else? No? Oh okay then. Behold the official dawning of the Age of the Sexbot!!! And to think...it all started with a national tragedy...allegedly.

What could possibly be sexier than any of what I’ve told you over the last few paragraphs? Well, tune in tomorrow & we’ll see if I can top it. In the meantime, have a great night everybody!!!