G-G-G-GHOST!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Okay, so… first off, I wanted to share a little something with you. I’ve been watching a lot of “Ghost Adventures” lately because… well, I have no life, I guess. I’m not really sure why either… as I think the host Zak is pretty much an annoying douche most of the time… and most of their “evidence” is flawed at best… but occasionally there’s a nugget or two of intrigue… and it’s pretty much October and I’m getting psyched for my New Orleans adventure so maybe I can have a ghost adventure of my own. Anyway, so I was watching an episode where they went to Rolling Hills Sanitarium in upstate New York… and of course it was late at night… because that’s when you watch this stuff. When I get a call from my brother back in Utah. “Dude, have you looked at your pictures from when we went to Winchester?” “Yeah, they didn’t turn out very good. Why?” “Dude! I think you have a picture of a ghost in a few of the living room pictures. You know, that room with the wood floors where they said they found the hair & newspaper clippings of the husband & her kid?” “Really? I didn’t notice anything… but I wasn’t really looking either. Let me grab my camera real quick. By the way, completely unrelated, are you high right now?” “F**k you, man. I’m serious.” “I am too. Alright, let me check it out.” Okay… so, a little more back-story I didn’t mention in the blog posting before. My brother charged his cell phone for about 30 minutes when we first got to the House and were waiting for the tour to begin… and then once we went inside the house, it basically went dead. Now, I’m skeptical and think that his phone may just have been dead as disco… but whatever. Also, my camera wasn’t working for crap in there… and I blame it on the bad lighting… and sometimes my camera does that… but then again, I’ve taken some pretty good dimly lit pictures before… and even in the well-lit ones, they turned out bad. Humidity on the lens? Possibly. User error? Anything’s possible. Okay, so because you’re intrigued as to whether Dr. Love has a ghost sighting, here are the pictures that he thinks there was a ghost in…

Okay, give up on where he thinks the ghost is?

Right side, by the two windows, the light image

that appears to be standing in front of the chairs

Yeah... he thinks it's a ghost...

...and it's confirmed in the next picture, same spot.

No, it's not just poor lighting and glare... it's Mr. Winchester

He also thought there was something in the window here...

I don't see it.

Is my brother overreacting? Maybe. Was he under the influence of psychedelics? More than likely… but I just thought that I would share that little ditty with you… because otherwise, I don’t have a lot to say. Also, it gives me an excuse to talk about going to New Orleans in a few weeks and how excited I am for it. “But $teve, what is there to do in New Orleans? Especially during a lame ass holiday like Halloween?” Child please! For the child in me, there’s the Boo at the Zoo at the Audubon Zoo, which I have yet to experience in my many trips down there. For the child in me that likes free sh*t (and hot girls sitting on my shoulders), there’s the Krewe of Boo parade with a few dozen floats & Mardi Gras zaniness. For the football lover in me, there’s a Sunday night Steelers / Saints game at the Superdome Halloween night. For the music lover in me, there’s the Voodoo Experience which is a festival with literally HUNDREDS of bands including the likes of Ozzy Osbourne, Drake, Weezer, Macy Gray, Interpol & Raphael Saadiq. For the ghost adventurer in me, the entire city is creepy year round… but they turn it up with places like the House of Shock, costumed actors everywhere, and the Haunted (insert structure or landmark here) located throughout the city. Seriously, there’s mortuaries, cemeteries, warehouses, mansions, plantations, bars, hotels, gas stations, Starbucks, burger joints, all with their own history of supernatural shenanigans. And then for the hedonistic lush in me, there’s the unparalleled craziness of Bourbon Street, Canal Street, Decatur, Frenchman Street, and pretty much any other street within a few miles of the French Quarter. Oh… and they’re all jam packed with drunken tourists and Southern girls, which both happen to REALLY dig me. It’s going to be f**king EPIC!!! Play safe kids. Here’s the news…

Segway Tragic Comedy - The British millionaire businessman who owns the firm Segway has been found dead at the bottom of a cliff with one of the two-wheeled electric scooters near his body, police said on Monday. Jimi Heselden, 62, who bought the U.S.-based firm, and who was also chairman of Hesco Bastion, was discovered in a river near Leeds, northern England, on Sunday. The incident, described as a freak accident in the media, was not being treated as suspicious. A Segway was found near his body, a police spokeswoman said. "It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Jimi Heselden has died in a tragic accident near his home in West Yorkshire," Hesco Bastion said in a statement. A family spokesman said speculation about the cause of his death had been deeply upsetting. "There is absolutely nothing to suggest it was anything other than a tragic accident," he said in a statement. Invented by Dean Kamen, the self-balancing Segway scooter was made famous by then U.S. President George W. Bush when he took one for a spin, only to jump off after losing control. Heselden, a former miner who left school at the age of 15, became a wealthy businessman, donating millions of pounds to charity. This month, he gave 10 million pounds ($16 million) to a community project which helps disadvantaged areas. He made his fortune with Leeds-based Hesco Bastion, which developed a flat-pack wire mesh "blast wall" container, replacing the traditional sandbags, used by British and coalition troops in Afghanistan and Iraq. Media reports said Heselden was one of Britain's richest men, with a fortune put at 166 million pounds ($260 million). So what was the tragic accident? Apparently, rumor has it… that Mr. Heselden was chatting on his cellular phone while riding around on his Segway… and the rest is gravity. It truly is tragic… but there is something to be learned. Distracted & drunk driving doesn’t care who you are, who your family is, how much you’re worth, how much good you’ve done for your community or anything like that. It’s a matter of physics. You’re still in a dangerous and basically unnecessary situation. Please be careful out there. Since we’re talking about dead people, I want to send my condolences out to Mr. Heselden’s family as well as the family of football legend George Blanda & Quentin Tarantino’s fabulous editor Sally Menke. There, now that that’s out of the way…

Utah Reality Update – My thoughts of police in Utah have been long known. It’s a noble profession… and they could seriously be doing so much better. This story just kinda emphasized the point. The new reality TV show "Sister Wives," featuring a real-life advertising salesman and four women he calls his spouses, has sparked a criminal bigamy investigation by police in Utah, officials said. The show, following the lives of Kody Brown, 41, the four women and their 16 children, premiered on the TLC cable channel on Sunday, catching the attention of authorities in the Utah town of Lehi just south of Salt Lake City, where the family lives together in a large house. "We looked into it, and we have detectives working on this case now," Lehi police Lt. Darren Paul told Reuters. No arrests have been made, but the investigation findings will be turned over to the local district attorney's office for review, he said. The Brown family released a statement on Tuesday saying they were "disappointed" but were aware of the risks of doing the reality show (much like those people you see on shows like “Intervention” who use illegal drugs in front of the cameras… and broadcast across the nation and/or world… but somehow never end up in jail). "But for the sake of our family, and most importantly, our kids, we felt it was a risk worth taking," the statement said. Brown is legally married to just one of the women, but counts three others as "sister wives," a term in polygamist sects that refers to a husband's multiple marital partners (but in legal terms, has about as much clout as a pimp calling one of his employees a b**ch, it doesn’t matter as long as what they’re doing is legal… and technically, they’re roommates that f**k). Plural marriage, an early tenant of the Mormon faith and once common in Utah, was renounced by the church more than a century ago and outlawed, as it already was in the rest of the country, as Utah was seeking statehood. But polygamy persists in secluded communities scattered mostly around the West, especially among followers of a Mormon splinter group called the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or the FLDS. FLDS spiritual leader Warren Jeffs was serving time in a Utah prison for arranging child bride marriages, but that conviction was recently overturned. He remains in jail awaiting prosecution on other charges. Plural marriage was long largely overlooked by Utah authorities until 2001, when polygamist Tom Green went on national television to espouse his lifestyle. He ultimately was convicted of bigamy for being married to five women simultaneously and of child rape in connection with his 1986 marriage to a 13-year-old girl, and served several years in prison. Paul Murphy, a state attorney general's office spokesman, called the Green case "the tipping point" in law enforcement's crackdown on polygamy. Murphy said Brown contacted the attorney general's office before "Sister Wives" aired because he wanted to inquire about the legal ramifications, and was told essentially: "It is against the law, but it's up to local law enforcement." Again though, if there’s only one legal marriage, the rest of the “sister wives” could be called “girlfriends”, “mistresses”, “poodles”, “macaroni” or “schpedoinkal” and it doesn’t matter. I’m just kind of surprised that there isn’t more incidences where some illegal stuff is being shown on TV… but no action is taken. Yet you get ODB on MTV getting some welfare… and the sh*t hits the fan. Good times.

Height Genes – I am a tall handsome man. Okay, at least two out of three ain’t bad, the handsome is up for debate… but I am certainly tall (like top percentile) and mostly definitely a man (probably top percentile on that one too). Whether you love or loathe your stature, scientists now know more genes you can thank, or blame for it. A review of the genetic codes of more than 180,000 people revealed 180 places in our genome where common variations help determine how tall we grow. The finding gives scientists a better understanding of how genes influence our height. These 180 variations account for only 10% of why we're born tall or short (we’re all pretty short when we’re born, aren’t we?), but genes previously known to be at work bring the total portion higher, said Karen Mohlke, a genetics professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine. "By doing more sophisticated genetics, the number is closer to 16 percent," Mohlke, one of the many authors of the study, told MyHealthNewsDaily. That means much of what determines human height has yet to be explained, she said, but the findings are still substantial in understanding how genetic variations influence height. "We certainly didn't know which genes, or the extent to which many genes ... would uncover the biology of height," said study researcher Dr. Joel Hirschhorn, of Children's Hospital Boston. The findings provide insight into how variations in the human genetic code can influence common traits, and the methods used in this study can be applied to future research on traits and heritable diseases, Hirschhorn said. The researchers found that many of the variations were near genes already known to cause skeletal growth problems, while others were near genes that have never been suspected of playing a role in determining height. And at 19 of the 180 genome spots, the researchers found multiple variations, which suggests those spots play a huge role in childhood growth, they wrote. Scientists looked only at variations present in many people in this study; they did not investigate rarer variations that could also influence height, Mohlke said. "Less common, or rare, variants may be responsible" for some of the differences in height, too, Mohlke said. Other influences of height include diet and environmental factors, she said, though more research is needed to decide how much of a role they have. The study was published online today (Sept. 29) in the journal Nature if you’re interested. What does this mean? Not a whole lot. Spoiler alert: Your genetics determines your height. GASP!!! Why do I mention it then? Why not? Scientists are closing down on designing the perfect genetic person… but if they were really smart, they would just come find me in Tahoe. Sigh… I’m so humble.

Panda Update – As the Father of Panda Porn, I find this next story appalling. As a spat between Beijing and Tokyo rumbles on, China on Wednesday opted for a bit of panda diplomacy, naming a Japanese woman as one of six winners of a contest to care for the endangered animals. Yumiko Kajiwara, from Tokyo, was picked to become a panda keeper for one month at the Chengdu Panda Base in southwestern China's Sichuan province after a week of training with the animals, a spokeswoman for the base told AFP. "Training was exciting and stressful, but what touched me the most was to meet so many people from other countries. It was a very human experience," the spokeswoman quoted Kajiwara as saying. Her win comes as China and Japan are embroiled in their worst diplomatic spat in years, triggered by Tokyo's arrest of a Chinese captain after a tense maritime incident in disputed waters in the East China Sea. Japanese authorities have now released the captain, but the two sides have yet to bury the hatchet, with Japan reportedly considering stationing troops in the waters, near an island chain claimed by both sides. The five other winners of the contest hail from Taiwan, a self-ruled island that Beijing considers part of its territory awaiting reunification, as well as China, Sweden, France and the United States, the spokeswoman said. They will begin working with the pandas on October 4, and will blog about their experiences to help raise awareness of the endangered animal's plight. The keepers will also trek into the mountains around Chengdu, Sichuan's capital, to study pandas in their natural habitat. There are just 1,600 pandas left in the wild and nearly 300 others are in captive-bred programs worldwide, mainly in China, according to official reports. After having successfully managed to make the animals mate in captivity, researchers are now looking at ways to send captive-bred pandas into the wild to boost the number of animals roaming free. Four pregnant pandas bred in captivity were released into an area of Sichuan forest over the summer to prepare their future cubs for life in the wild, state media reported. But this task is a difficult one, and so far, the only attempt at releasing a captive-bred panda into nature has ended tragically. Xiang Xiang, a male cub who was trained to adapt to the wild and released in 2006, was found dead 10 months later, apparently killed by wild pandas native to the area… possibly gang related. That’s fantastic that they’re spreading awareness and all… so why is it appalling? First off, I wasn’t selected. Let’s see, what are the qualifications? Love for helping pandas? Check. Ability to blog? Done been doing it for years (may have played into why they didn’t pick me, they know I’ll do it anyway). Ability to hike in the mystical mountains of southwestern China? Ugh… yeah, that’s what I do. Watch how pandas reproduce in the wild? Sh*t, I’m the one who started filming that smut to help them in captivity. Apparently one of the requirements must have been a funny accent, which I can also do. That’s not going to show on the blog though. Sigh… this isn’t as bad as being gypped ONCE AGAIN on my Lifetime Achievement Award for working with pandas… but still, you would’ve been intrigued by my observations, right? The only way this would be interesting to me now… is if we find that the wild pandas have a hankering for French tourists and nabs one of the “winners” here. Seriously, is there ANY footage in all of the internet… of a panda mauling a human (not just stealing their jacket and then playing with it like some kind of p**sy like on Tosh.0)? That would get more hits than a joint at a Cypress Hill concert. F**k viral video, this would be a pandemic video.

Anyway, that’ll do it for today, kids. Still excited about the possibility of a second date with Candy… but trying not to get my hopes up either. For some reason, that seems to happen from time to time (as you know from my “dating” entries over the years). Anyway, still optimistic. Have a great day everybody!!! G-g-g-g-ghost!!!

They Call It Coca, Coca Banana

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, not much has been going on honestly. I've been working out a few hours a day...and I watched a few movies last night...but I thought that I'd save those reviews for tomorrow. They're good ones though. Lots of hotties and insight. Well, by my standards anyway. There was also a thunderstorm last night...and I had the privilidge of watching it outside my window. Did I ever mention that I like my view from my apartment? I find it convenient that I'm entertained by all the little things in life. (By the way, I watched "Amelie" just before the storm started...and it's now one of my favorites. It's kooky and crazy...just like me) Sometimes I catch myself just wandering aimlessly about town and thinking random thoughts...similar to Amelie "How many people are having an orgasm at this very moment?" but it's more like "How many people are getting laid right now?" Then it's some depressing number that I've randomly made up by calculating the percentage of time that I've been in the act of coitus...and multiplying that by...a million or so to get the standard average...and then take into account that there's say...four million people in Denver...and I come up with something in the tens of thousands. Maybe a little high of an estimate...but then again, not too far off. Anyway, last night was cool...and I sat and watched the storm for about...thirty minutes before it died down. More good news, it's supposed to storm again today...but probably snow instead of lightning. We shall see. Here's some other news that you might find entertaining...

Rhode Island Job Fair - Here's a job opportunity you won't need to buy a new wardrobe for. Hoping to take advantage of Rhode Island's floundering economy, owners of the Foxy Lady (dun dun duuuuuh, dun dun duuuuh FOXY) strip club in Providence plan to hold a job fair today. They say they're looking to fill around 30 positions, from strippers and waitresses to disc jockeys and bartenders, at that club and two others in Massachusetts. "I need more managers, I need more competent staff, and I need more attractive waitresses to go along with the ones I have right now," said co-owner Tom Tsoumas. The naked truth is that Rhode Island's economy is among the worst in the nation, with an unemployment rate of 10.3 percent in January. The Providence club isn't immune from the recession but is still drawing customers willing to drink and pay for lap dances, said manager Bob Travisono. "It's taken a hit. It's not as bad as restaurants and stuff like that. In times like this, they seem to drink their sorrows away." Tsoumas said he hopes some who might shun strip clubs when the economy is good might consider shedding their clothes now...or at least working as a floor host or bartender. It's great to see that there are some job opportunities out there. I'd be interested to see the line of people waiting for their interview…and the bouncer & guy at the door letting them in. "You can go. You can go. Hey, are you applying for disc jockey?" "No, strippers." "AH! Really? You'd better just get out of here. Next. You can go. You can go. You'd better have a bartending license. You can go. Come back when you're taller. Okay everybody, club's full. Gonna be about a two hour wait." I've always wanted to be the interviewer for a gentleman's club. I always thought that would be an interesting situation.

$teve: "First and foremost, could I see some ID? Okay, this looks legit. So…what are your qualifications?"

Interviewee: "Well, I was on a dance troupe in high school…and I just love music."

$teve: "That's great, sweetie…but what are your qualifications? Would you mind showing them to me?"

Interviewee: "I don't…understand what you're asking."

$teve: "Oh I'm sorry, perhaps I'm being a little ambiguous because of certain HR laws. What job are you applying for?"

Interviewee: "Dancer."

$teve: "What kind of dancer?"

Interviewee: "Um…exotic?"

$teve: "Correct. Was this an exotic dance troupe? If so, which high school did you go to…because I'm feeling ripped off with my high school experience."

Interviewee: "Well, no. It was mostly jazz dance and stuff like that."

$teve: "Okay, then why mention it? That's like a heart surgeon starting with how many kittens they saved. It's not that I don't care…but I don't care. There's a long line of applicants outside and I wanna cut through the fluff. What are your qualifications? Wait, maybe this will help. (Remote turns on the music and dims the lights) Now, go…"

Interviewee: "What?"

$teve: "Come on. Time is money…and you have thirty seconds starting…now. Wow me." Interviewee does a rather impressive routine given the immediate environment.

$teve: "Excellent. I especially like the thing you did where you unbuttoned my shirt with your buttocks. That's distinctive. Well Emily, we have your information and the video…"

Interviewee: "What video?"

$teve: "The video of this interview. Don't worry, it's strictly for internal use and you've already signed the waiver when you came in the door. As I was saying, we have your information…"

Interviewee: "But you didn't take my resume. Don’t you want to glance it over?"

$teve: "(Sigh) Okay, put it on the pile…but I'm going to warn you, I'm more of a visual, tactile, hands-on learner. Reading makes me sleepy…and you don't want me to be sleepy for the job that you're applying for…unless it's blood rushing elsewhere. Oh, by the way, what's your stage name?"

Interviewee: "Oh, well I really hadn't thought about it."

$teve: "Hmm, well I was thinking about a Disney Princesses Night once a week. Do you have a Snow White outfit?"

Interviewee: "No, nothing like that. Would that be provided?"

$teve: "Actually…entertainers provide their own costume…and honestly, based on this interview, I would highly suggest that you acquire one…because I think you have the potential for a Snow White…but right now, you're definitely Sleepy. We'll contact you…and would you please send the next girl in. Thank you for coming…er, stopping by. (Glances at watch) Whew, we'd better pick up the pace with these interviews." P.S. Just so you're aware, this was the short version of the interview that I had typed out. Any HR specialists out there? Do you think I'm covered legally? What are the restrictions on an interview such as this?

Polygamy: Not Just a Utah Thing - Authorities in Overland Park, Kansas said a 61-year-old man allegedly married to two women who lived in the same apartment complex faces charges. The man was charged with bigamy and other felonies. Officials said police were called to the complex in November when the second wife went to the first wife's apartment to confront the man and found out he was married to someone else. The man was arrested this week and made his first court appearance Wednesday. The man was married his first wife 22 years ago. Court records said the second marriage occurred in January 2006. Both women are in their 50s. The man was also charged with using his father's Social Security card to lease one of the apartments and with stealing jewelry and money from his second wife. Now, were I this man's attorney, I would try to claim the old Alzheimer's Defense. "Your honor, I didn't think that I was married. Now I have these two lovely ladies telling me that I'm their husband…and I don't know who to believe. I think these young gold diggers are taking advantage of me in my old age." "Sir, how do you explain using your father's social security card?" "The what now? Speak up." "YOUR FATHER'S SECURITY CARD?" "What's daddy got to do with all this? Did I marry him too? Oh Jesus, I'm going to Hell now." "No, it's…forget it. How about the stealing of your alleged wife's property?" "Thought it was mine." "You thought the jewelry was yours?" "Yup. Don’t be prejudice because I like to wear fancy accessories…and the money looked just like mine. That part I remember." You can make it work. It just takes a little creativity…and tenacity.

Coca Banana - No, not a hot new Latin nightclub in Lodo (though we've already established that I'd be a great interviewer) but rather a fun little story from Germany. A stunned supermarket saleswoman stumbled upon 28 kilograms (60 pounds) of cocaine worth over a million Euros while unpacking boxes of bananas in southern Germany, police said on Friday. The crates of fruit, flown in from Colombia and imported into Germany via the Belgian port of Antwerp, were probably mixed up when they were being loaded onto the delivery trucks, Ludwig Waldinger from the Bavarian police told AFP. "Some dealers must have picked up the wrong boxes," he told AFP, adding that he would like to see the look on the faces of the drug dealers when they try to get their fix from the nutritious snack. I feel the same way. The 26-year-old shop assistant found the 26 packets of cocaine on Wednesday morning and (allegedly) immediately alerted the police, who are currently investigating the apparent blunder. Yeah, that would be a bit of a trip to be expecting to open a crate to over a million dollars worth of drugs…and find a great source of potassium. "What the…? Are the drugs in the bananas? (Takes a bite, spits it out) No, not even buzzed." "Maybe you have to snort it." "That's the stupidest idea I've ever…maybe. You. Give me your knife." There's been a few shipping error stories in the drug trafficking business recently. I wonder if FedEx or UPS or whoever is losing some business from these reports. Maybe it's because of budget cuts on their end. Damn, this economy just effects everybody…especially when bananas cost a million dollars a crate. I'd be pissed.

Painful Play - This story absolutely breaks my heart…but I know that it's a fairly common thing. Women who experience pain during sex are not as alone as they might think: Past research has shown that 15 percent of women experience dyspareunia, or recurrent genital pain during intercourse (and not just from improper form, kinky activities or shear wear & tear). Dyspareunia mostly afflicts women. Hardly any men report it (because when men are hardly, they don't even care). Now a new study finds that women who report painful sex have more easily triggered pain networks than do other women, suggesting that dyspareunia should be reclassified as a pain disorder rather than a sexual dysfunction. The findings, recently published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, are based on research in which two groups of women - those with dyspareunia and those without - were asked to remember lists of words divided into four categories: words related to sex, words related to pain, pleasant words not related to sex, and unpleasant words not related to pain. Women in both groups had better recall for sex words than for pain words. However, women who had dyspareunia had more false memories for pain words (in particular, they incorrectly remembered the words "pain" and "painful," which were not on the lists). Pain stimuli, the researchers conclude, more easily capture the attention of women with dyspareunia and remain in their memory. "If sex and pain are repeatedly paired, they may have similar strong internal representations," said Lea Thaler of UNLV (Go Vegas!!!), who headed up the study. "Due to their experience with chronic pain, women with dyspareunia seem to have internal representations of pain that can be easily activated, and this has been illustrated with research showing that these women have a hypervigilance for pain information and catastrophize about their pain experience." In other words, women with dyspareunia are on the lookout for pain...and they imagine it will be more harmful than it really is. The study's findings support a school of thought that the treatment of painful sex needs to be refocused. Thaler said some researchers think that reclassifying dyspareunia as a pain disorder would allow for its multidisciplinary treatment, including help from sex therapists, gynecologists, physical therapists and pain specialists…or even blog doctors like myself…ladies. However, "[there are] some opponents who fear that if it is classified as a pain disorder, we may start to ignore the devastating impact it has on sexual function" but Thaler says there's hope for women who suffer from painful sex. "In cognitive behavioral therapy, women with dyspareunia are taught to become less vigilant to pain and catastrophize less about their pain. They are taught coping self-statements and learn how to manage their pain when it does occur. These strategies, along with others, often result in reduced pain during sexual intercourse." So there is some hope for you ladies out there with this affliction. In the meantime, if it does hurt, let your partner know. They'll do what it takes to make it right…or they're just not worth it. I mean…you would want to know, right? Besides, the bedroom is the last place where it should hurt. It should be your sanctuary.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Tune in tomorrow for more randomness...and the Bacon Brother ticket offer is still open. Other than that, please have a great day everybody!!! Come on, I said please.