Feeling Flashy: Things That Go Blink in the Night

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the line spacing issues that have been plaguing this blog since Monday.  I'm not sure why it's been happening, and sadly I'm not equipped with the intellect necessary to figure out how to remedy it.  In an attempt to obviate the problem today, I am now trying Bl-gger's "new interface."  The sensation is a disconcerting one (like switching to a new brand of integrated shifters or a new style of underpants) but should I attain line-spacing consistency as a result then the discomfort will be worthwhile.

Meanwhile, yesterday I premiered the promotional video for my upcoming book, "Drunken Gardening," and a number of people asked the following question:

"Where's your helment?"

Well, obviously it's not on my head, but if you really insist on knowing more then I'll tell you that it's being buried with Whitney Houston, and I'll kindly ask you to refrain from further helment-related questions during what is for me a very emotional time.

Speaking of safety, last whatever-day-it-was (I no longer count days since time is a construct that corporate industry and the government use to control us) I mentioned that Knog had sent me their new "Blinder" lights to try:

Well, I finally tried them.

I've been using Knog's USB-rechargeable "Boomers" for quite some time now.  As a blogger who spends a considerable amount of time in front of a computer (literally dozens of minutes on some days) I appreciate anything that you can just stick into a USB port.  In fact, if I had a USB-powered George Foreman grill and a a USB-powered toilet I'd never have to leave my computer again.  Well, the "Blinders" also charge by means of a USB port, only instead of having to take the light part out of the rubber part, all you have to do is open the little USB "dingle" on the "Blinder" and plug it right it.  They also mount to your bars or seatpost by means of an ingenious hinged and reticulated latch-and-hasp system, which is something I just made up and which means absolutely nothing.

So are they blinding?  Well, it definitely hurt my eyes to look at them, so potentially I'd say "yes."  Sure, maybe not this blinding, but blinding nonetheless.  I also took some pictures with my "smart phone" device.  However, it turns out it's kind of hard to take pictures of blinky lights, for the simple reason that they blink.  For example, first I took this picture, and I got nothing:

(Not blinding.)

But then I took this picture and I got a phone full of photons, or futons, or whatever that stuff in light is:

(Blammo!)

Ten minutes later my seizure finally abated, and so I took a few shots of the rear:

These and the rest of the photos in this stunning series will be on display at the International Center of Photography in New York, NY until May 6th, 2012:

I'd invite you all to the opening reception but there's no way you're cool enough.

Anyway, once my blinding Blinders were all fired up I set off into the night filled with a deep and profoundly warming sense of smugness over all the other riders with their feeble blinkies powered by waning and moribund batteries.  Even this guy in the reflective vest was like a ninja compared to me:

If you're wondering where my reflective vest is, it's being buried with Whitney Houston (which in New York we pronounce "HOUSE-ton.")

Still, these lights are not for everybody.  For example, if you're a true retrogrouch, you may want to wait for the new Rivendell blinkies, which you charge by plugging into a manual typewriter.  Or, if you don't like to be an "early adopter," you can wait until the "2.0" version of the Knog Blinders, which I understand will come with a special ultra-bright and super-blinding setting called "Oedipus:"

("D'oh!"--Oedipus)

Now that's what I call motherfucking bright.

On a far more serious note (not like incest and self-mutilation isn't serious), as you may know, here in New York City it's almost impossible to actually get in trouble for mowing somebody down with your car, even if you have a suspended license or you simply decide to drive away.  Well, the City Council is finally asking the NYPD to account for this, and Gothamist recently published an excellent article about the hearing that ensued:

Given the number of people killed by cars in New York City you already knew the recent bicycle crackdown was crazy, but you may not have realized just how crazy it was:

The NYPD issued more summonses to cyclists than truck drivers last year: truckers got 14,962 moving violation summonses and 10,415 Criminal Court summonses, while cyclists got 13,743 moving violation summonses and a whopping 34,813 Criminal Court summonses. Priorities!

Wow.  Also, Paul Steely White of Transportation Alternatives raised a good question:

"The NYPD is among the most sophisticated law enforcement operations in the country," concluded White, the director of Transportation Alternatives. "It’s the sixth largest standing army in the world, it has officers stationed in scores of foreign nations and it can shoot down small aircraft. The question for us today is if its officers can do more to keep New Yorkers safe on our own streets and deter drivers from killing hundreds and injuring thousands of innocent people every year?"

Of course, the NYPD already has a great plan to keep us safe on the streets, which is to ticket us all until we finally stop riding bikes.

But what if you want to keep riding a bike anyway?  What can you do to make cycling safer?  Well, you can invest in "the world's first theft-resistant bike light:"



"While we love city cycling, it can be dangerous," says the video as a fixie rider in stripey sock dives in front of a cab for no reason.  "Cars bully us, thieves steal from us, and really, we're sick of it.  So we asked ourselves the question, 'How can we fight back?'"

Well, I'd start by taking my lights off when I go inside, but then again I'm not very smart.  I have also, admittedly, failed to take a light off only to find it gone when I returned.  But this actually happened to me in San Francisco, not New York, and the thief struck while I enjoyed a post-BRA burrito.  I thought it happened to me in New York once too, and I think I even wrote about the incident on this very blog, but then I found the light in my bag like two weeks later.

The inventors, however, are smart.  In fact, they're so smart they met at MIT--though now that I think about it they don't specify whether they actually attended MIT, so it's always possible they just bumped into each other while buying MIT t-shirts and then struck up a friendship:

Still, this is certainly a cut above the typical Kickstarter pitch, and I did enjoy the shower scene:

If they can equip it with an Oedipus setting then maybe the'll be onto something.

Coming and Going: Socks, Cups, and Belts

In these high-tech days of "electronic mail," "instant massages," and "telephone calls," going to your physical mailing box can be an experience fraught with stress and anxiety. Sure, an email can contain a nasty virus or a Nigerian scam, but at least you don't have to actually touch or smell anything. On the other hand, your analog mailbox can contain pretty much anything. It could be an unexpected financial windfall, or it could be a notice from a collection agency, or it could just be a note that says "Eff you blog boy" that's been lovingly seasoned with anthrax.

Fortunately, yesterday was a "best case scenario" for me down at the old mailin' hole. In addition to the small packet of "Wednesday weed" that I had mailed myself from Amsterdam, it also contained a pair of socks. And these weren't pre-worn, funky, unlaundered socks from strangers like I usually receive, either. They were brand-spunking-new collectable foot sockings still in the original packaging!

The socks, as you may have figured out by now, were from the excellent Cycling Inquisition blog, and you can get some here along with other body part coverings. Best of all, they have the blog's URL right on the foot part!

That's so when you're chatting on the group ride and you want to tell someone about that awesome blog you read, and they ask for the URL, but you can't remember, all you have to do is just whip off a Sidi and stick your foot in their face.

Also, as far as I know, they're fully compatible with the new All Hail the Black Market kits:

So be sure to promote one or both of these great blogs on your next ride. (As for this blog, it's far from great. Anyway, as you can tell from my new bikes I'm officially going "full douche" now, so I'm no longer calling this a blog. Instead, I now refer to it as a "cycling-themed electronic prose manifestation.")

Or you can just stick with the Primal Wear, whatever works for you.

But wait, there's more! In addition to the socks, there was something else in my mailbox. Something special. Something imbued with feminine mystique. Something that came in a small pouch labeled "Diva," which you can see here in the clutches of my helper monkey, Vito:

I opened the pouch and gently removed the object inside with trembling fingers, and the music of Juliana Hatfield began to play as if from nowhere. Then, Vito grabbed it from me and put it on his head like a hat:

Still, I was at a loss. Was it a collapsible silicone shot glass? Was it something you'd use to perform a hydraulic disc brake overhaul? I then thought about the process of bleeding brakes, and that's when it hit me:

It was a menstrual cup!

You may recall that some time ago, I mentioned a blog called "Sustainable Cycles," chronicling the adventures of two women who had embarked upon a project to "Bicycle Down the West Coast, Meet Women, Talk about Menstrual Cups, and Live on $4 a Day:"

Well, not only did they appreciate the mention, but the also asked me if they could show their gratitude by sending me my very own menstrual cup.

Um, fuck yeah!

At this point you may be wondering, "What use could you possibly have for a menstrual cup?" Well, firstly, there's this. Secondly, there's the big, big savings:

Over a lifetime, the average woman spends about 2000 dollars on single use pads and tampons, creating an enormous truck-load of trash. Menstrual cups are made of non-absorbent latex or silicon and last for up to 10 years: quite a deal for $35 dollars!

And there's your custom bicycle frame.

In all seriousness, it makes me feel all tingly inside that two people are not only touring by bicycle in order to promote something they believe in, but that they're doing so with good cheer and in good humor. Then again, that inner tingling could just be a sign that it's menstrual cup time. Either way, it's a refreshing alternative to the usual touring logs in which people boast about their mileage, document the minutiae of their bicycle set-ups, and generally suffer from the delusion that their cycling vacations are on par with the exploits of the great explorers.

By the way, the menstrual cup they sent me is made in Canada, which I guess means that not only is American manufacturing truly dead, but that we also technically can't refer to the United States as "Canada's menstrual cup."

Speaking of monthly cycles, it would appear that my one month testing period for the Avenging Disco Belt-Drive Bike is now at an end, which means it's time to pack it up and send it back to these guys:

The bike, as you may recall if you didn't bother to click on the above link, is the Base Urban something-or-other, and the month I had with it passed too quickly--not because I loved the bike (frankly I did not), but because I spent like half that time in Europe. I did use it last night to transport myself to a social engagement, and here's what it looks like with a "filth prophylactic" on the seatpost:

From a commuting standpoint, the cleanliness of the drivetrain is undeniably attractive. (By the way, the belt is now mostly quiet, except on inclines, when it makes a sound pretty much exactly like derailleur rub.) Other than that, the bike was a bit like a roommate you go out of your way to avoid. It's shaped like a road bike but doesn't perform like one, so for recreation you'd naturally opt for a road bike. At the same time, it's shaped too much like a road bike to be comfortable or practical for commuting, which meant it was a struggle not to simply reach for my trusty Scattante. Then there's the frame. I mentioned the untenable eyelets, and I also noticed that, due to all the wacky stuff going on in rear dropout land, I experienced repeated heel strike:

In fairness to the bike, I am highly duckfooted, but I've never experienced that before on a bike without panniers:

By the way, in case you're wondering, yes, those are rubber slip-on shoes shaped like Vans with no laces. The father of 17 children, I have given up on fashion long ago. And yes, I'm also wearing a rubber shirt shaped like an unbuttoned Oxford.

In any case, I'd like to thank the belt drive people for lending me the bike, as well as the Gates people for helping me sort out the initial noise issues. And once the bike is on its way home, that means I will have one less bike to juggle, though juggling bikes is a lot easier than juggling fire and knives on rollers, as in this video:

This man may be the world's deadliest Fred:

Though he really should upgrade those blades to crabon. He could always use the "spokes" from an old set of Spinergys.