The New Superhero, Gilgal

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I wanted to start by wishing a happy birthday over the weekend to Alisa, Filly, Lemons, my buddy Chris' little girl...and today to Mrs Wingman. Just a lot of happy birthdays this week. Today was also Be A Man Day apparently...so yeah, I did what I set out to do the other day. I went to work, changed the oil in my car (needs to be registered again), watched a movie with my dad, clubbed a baby seal, ate some meat (tilapia that my stepmom made, delicious), and then watched Ben Hur. That's about the extent of it. Awesome, right?

While watching TV with my dad, I saw a preview for the scary movie of the week coming out called "Orphan" about a little girl who, I don't know, is either possessed by the devil or just completely psychotic...just evil though...but it's basically a remake of "The Omen" with a little girl instead of a creepy boy. So I got to thinking...and I wonder if the working title of this movie was something like "W-Omen" because it's The Omen...with a girl. I can only imagine the kind of flack the studio gave them if that were the case. "Do you have any idea what the National Organization of Women will do if we release a horror flick about a possessed demon girl called "Women"?" "It's not Women, it's W-Omen. Wo-Omen! Why can't anybody else see the distinction?" "Really? Because I'm looking at one of the preliminary poster designs...and I'm not exactly a Rhodes Scholar or anything...but I'm pretty sure that I'm reading Women...with a big f**king O!!! As in Oh my God, I can't believe you actually think this would work." "Well, what would you suggest? I don't want to call my work something stupid like that...American Haunting in Eastern Vermont or whatever the hell those movies are." "It's okay. We'll come up with something. Let's see, we didn't pay any royalties to the Omen...so we wouldn't want that name anyway...but something similar...something that, I'VE GOT IT!!! ORPHAN!!!" "But she's not an orphan, she's the daughter of Satan." "SO??? He's in Hell with a bunch of other deadbeat fathers. We're going with Orphan." "It's gonna take a few extra scenes to show..." "Blah blah blah, make it happen director boy. You're budgeted for two days of reshoots and don't ever come into my office again trying to pitch a movie like that. If you come in next year with a movie called Dog Fight Club, I'll have you deported." You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person that has these whole nonsensical theoretical discussions that probably never happened...except in my mind. Whether it's the Kiffins Christmas dinner discussions, bits from the Happily Ever After phase of fairy tales, or just random smart ass remarks...but I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Anyway, here's some news...

Biggest Pants - Maybe I need to go back to the homeland of Eastern Europe to find some pants that fit right. A pair of jeans the size of six tennis courts, stitched together from thousands donated for charity, should be recognized by Guinness World Records as the biggest pair anywhere (and could contain the biggest pair anywhere as well...like Guns of Navaronne balls), organizers said on Sunday. "We've made the world's largest pair of jeans!" the Cockta (tehehe) Jeans Fashion project said on its website. "People were bringing in their old jeans... and sponsors were immediately giving money for humanitarian purposes," project head Boris Juric told national television. The denims were put on display in Croatia's capital Zagreb on Saturday after they were assembled from 8,023 unwanted pairs and auctioned off over the last few months. They have a leg length of 45 meters (148 feet) and a total width of 34 meters and were sewn up in a local factory. For each pair of donated jeans, the project paid seven kunas (1.30 dollars or 90 euro cents) to a local association providing therapy to disabled people, so about $10,000 were raised. It's great to see old jeans to go use. This pants would be perfect for me if they were 34 x 45 inches instead of meters...but alas, I'll just have to look for miniature versions.

Rat Island - Alaska's Rat Island is finally rat-free, 229 years after a Japanese shipwreck spilled rampaging rodents onto the remote Aleutian island, decimating the local bird population. How did this happen? How did these rats disappear after over two centuries of dominance? Well, after dropping poison onto the island from helicopter-hoisted buckets for a week and a half last autumn, there are no signs of living rats...and some birds have returned, according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Rats have ruled the island since 1780, when they jumped off a sinking Japanese ship and terrorized all but the largest birds on the island. The incident introduced the non-native Norway rat -- also known as the brown rat -- to Alaska. The $2.5 million Rat Island eradication project, a joint effort between the U.S. federal government, the Nature Conservancy and Island Conservation, is one of the world's most ambitious attempts to remove destructive alien species from an island (second only to the continuing eradication of Martians invaders from the island of America). Now there are signs that several species of birds, including Aleutian cackling geese, ptarmigan, peregrine falcons and black oystercatchers, are starting to nest again on the 10-square-mile (26-sq-km) island. It is too soon to say that Rat Island is definitively rat-free, however. That can only be established after at least two years of monitoring, said Bruce Woods, a spokesman for the Fish and Wildlife Service in Anchorage. "We don't know that there's not a couple of happy rats hiding away that are going to spring out and repopulate the island," he said. Well, if I were the only male left to repopulate a species, I suppose I would be a happy rat too. So yeah, while some wildlife societies set out to save animals, others eradicate them. The difference - Cuteness. Nobody likes brown rats. Brown rats date outside of their species because they can't stand them. However, we can at least tolerate cackling geese...and peregrine falcons are badass. I'm not even sure what a ptarmigan is...but I'm sure it has an exhibit at Sea World. Is there a special exhibit for brown Norwegian rats? Nope. Hence why they were poisoned for over a week. Just a thought I like to throw out whenever PETA and other wildlife conservation communities give me flack. Now the new question is...what to rename the island? Might I suggest $tevonia? Yes, my own little ten square mile principality that's still within the borders of the United States...but probably stinking rich with minerals. Not only that...but possibly a superspecies of rodent immune to poison. Yes, this could be interesting. I could rule with an iron fist over the Aleutians...with peregrine falcon on my shoulder and surrounded by an army of mutant rats.

Panda Update - Continuing on with my loyal army of animals, a committee of the Zoological Park Organization of Thailand has picked four names from thousands of entries submitted from all over the country for the new female baby panda at Chiang Mai Zoo (and the first born in Thailand). The four names on the shortlist are Ying Ying, Thai-Jeen, Lin Ping and Khwan Thai (I have no idea what they mean like "Beautiful Forest" or anything). People throughout the country can vote for one of the four names by sending a postcard to the naming committee. The postcards will be on sale in Bangkok and nearby provinces on June 19 and in other provinces on June 22. The baby panda's name will be announced on Aug 12th, Mother's Day (in Thailand...but every day is Mother's Day in $tevonia). So yeah, if you're in Thailand, cast your vote today. I'm glad that my Panda Porn once again is helping to save the species...so that we can one day rule.

Okay, maybe I've had enough of this omnipotent imagination stuff today. Here are some pictures from my adventures with JL Clyde on Sunday including the 337 Project & Gilgal Park. No, Gilgal is an artist not the female equivalent of Aquaman. He made these rock sculptures at a secret location near Trolley Square. I'd be happy to show you where. Enjoy...

337 Project in the heart of Rose Park

I'd pay to see a bear fight a giant rooster

The Blue Plate Diner - Good eats...

...and a velvet Elvis

Gilgal Sculpture Gardens

Meet Joseph Sphinx

The sculptor, Mr Gilgal

A Bird Hotel

Oh...and there's a garden too

Have a great day everybody!!!

Stuffing Boxes with Dr Love

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

This morning, I woke up early to continue my Box Search. No, not the sexy kind either. That usually requires staying up late. This was the unsexy kind...like going to Walmart and liquor stores at 7 AM to get the boxes left over from overnight stalking...er, I mean stocking. Sorry, I've made that mistake a few times before. Usually at interviews. So I arose with the sun around 6 AM and drove out to Walmart...to find that they apparently had already thrown away their boxes or something, despite my telling them my name, phone number, etc. to set up picking them up at 7 AM. Luckily they had a sale on giant closeable plastic bins for $5 a pop, so I bought about four of those, some packing tape & went home to start the real packing. I'm already impressed with how much I've done in the past few hours (and stopping for an hour to watch VH1's Tough Love, which I seriously enjoy for some reason...because it's dating evil at its finest). Anyway, so yeah, I'll be packing the next few days...but am off to a great start.

Last night, I watched "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" starring Sam Rockwell and basically the cast of Ocean's Eleven (Clooney, Roberts, and even cameos by Pitt & Damon). It's the story of TV producer / host of the Gong Show / CIA assassin Chuck Barris (Rockwell) and it's really just a crazy cool funny show to watch. It starts with him as a sly mischievous & devious child...and progressing into a similar adult...and he kind of evolves into this guy who's trying to become famous. Along the way, a CIA operative (Clooney) enlists him to become an assassin while he's being a chapperone on "The Dating Game" to exotic locations like Helsinki & West Berlin. Hot, right? Well, his long-time ladyfriend (Drew Barrymore) and his spy mistress (Roberts) play into the game as well...and who knows how it's going to turn out? Well, I do because I watched the movie...but you should too. It's pretty good. I enjoyed it thoroughly...and Clooney directed it...which may or may not explain why there was so much of Sam Rockwell's ass in it (ladies...) but just thought I'd throw that out there.

Now, I also watched "Lost Highway" starring Bill Pullman & Patricia Arquette...but more importantly, directed by David Lynch ("Dune", "Mulholland Drive", etc). Now, I really wish that I could tell you exactly what the story was...but it's a David Lynch movie...and I guess I just don't get it. Obviously inspired by Fellini with a few more hits of acid, Lynch tells the story of a sax player (Pullman) who...well, crazy sh*t happens...and his wife (Arquette) ends up dead...and he's convicted of doing it...so sentenced to death...but then he magically teleports / transforms into a teenage auto mechanic (Balthazar Getty) who has an affair with a mob boss (Robert Loggia) ladyfriend...who also happens to be Patricia Arquette...and there's this creepy guy played by real life creepy guy Robert Blake (remember? Beretta?) and Gary Busey's the kid's father, so you know he has that working against him...and then there's porn involved starring Marilyn Manson & his guitarist Twiggy Ramirez...and when the movie's over, you basically just go, "What the f**k did I just watch?" So yeah, in typical David Lynch fashion, I just didn't get it. Welcome to the modern art museum of filmmaking. Anyway, here's some other news...

13 Year Old Bank Robber - A 13-year-old boy who police say was caught red-handed a block away was accused on Tuesday of robbing a bank in Peoria, Illinois. The unidentified boy was charged with felony armed robbery in juvenile court, accused of threatening a teller with a gun and demanding cash. He was found hiding in a nearby garage about 30 minutes after Monday's robbery, stained red from a dye pack that had been placed in the bag of money. "It's the youngest person I can remember," said Sheriff Michael McCoy, a four-decade veteran of the sheriff's office. Prosecutors were considering whether to seek to have him tried as an adult and face up to 30 years in prison. At the very least, they considered spanking his ass into a ground beef patty & slapping the taste out of his mouth. For f**k sake, THIRTEEN??? Now, I've had my thoughts of robbing banks before...and okay, maybe I was that age when I started considering it...but to actually do it. He's definitely going to get one hell of a slap on the wrist. What if he had shot somebody? Can you imagine police gunning down a 7th grader? That would be covered more than teabagging on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News & everything else. Well, luckily it was just a kid making a HUGE mistake and nothing like that happened. Just remember to talk to your kids about the importance of a Wheelman. In some situations, they're more important than a Wingman.

Robot Scientists? - Watch out scientists! Your jobs may soon be replaced the same way as the oldest profession...by a robot. Two teams of researchers said last week that they had created machines that could reason, formulate theories and discover scientific knowledge on their own, marking a major advance in the field of artificial intelligence (and the end of mankind as foretold in the Prophecy). Such robo-scientists could be put to work unraveling complex biological systems, designing new drugs (more powerful E?), modeling the world's climate, understanding the cosmos and finding out what exactly women want. For the moment, though, they are performing more humble tasks (like what is the appeal of VH1's reality shows?). At Aberystwyth University in Wales, Ross King and colleagues have created a robot called Adam that can not only carry out experiments on yeast metabolism but also reason about the results and plan the next experiment. It is the world's first example of a machine that has made an independent scientific discovery -- in this case, new facts about the genetic make-up of baker's yeast. "On its own it can think of hypotheses and then do the experiments, and we've checked that it's got the results correct. People have been working on this since the 1960s. When we first sent robots to Mars, they really dreamt of the robots doing their own experiments on Mars. After 40 or 50 years, we've now got the capability to do that." Their next robot, Eve (constructed from a supportive piece of Adam's endoskeleton located in his torso), will have much more brain power (ladies...) and will be put to work searching for new medicines...but for half the pay. (Oh yeah, I've got jokes...) King hopes the application of intelligent robotic thinking to the process of sifting tens of thousands of compounds for potential new drugs will be particularly valuable in the hunt for treatments for neglected tropical diseases like malaria...and whatever that rash on his junk may be. "It's good to be the King." So anyway, there you go. The back-story has been set for the new Terminator: Salvation coming out in a few weeks. All we have to do is wait for Adam & Eve to become self aware, get kicked out of the university Aberystwyth (not a typo), manufacture the new prototypes Cain & Abel, and then within a few weeks, humans will be completely obsolete...and therefore expendable. Just in time for me to start training at my new job.

Boulder B**ch - Police say a Boulder, Colorado woman wrapped her boyfriend's dog in packing tape and stuck the animal upside down to a refrigerator because he wouldn't get rid of it. 20-year old Abby Toll was arrested Tuesday after police say she got into a fight with her boyfriend. She was charged with felony cruelty, drug possession and other counts and is free on $12,500 bond. She has declined to comment. Toll's 21-year-old boyfriend, Bryan Beck, faces lesser charges including a misdemeanor cruelty count. Police say Toll used packing tape to bind the legs, snout and tail of Beck's dog, a Shiba Inu named Rex. She told police she stuck the dog to the refrigerator because she was angry Beck wanted to keep it. Rex was taken to a shelter and will be put up for adoption. Toll was taken to a local vet, spayed so that she could never reproduce & spat upon by the local chapter of PETA for several hours. Okay, she wasn't...but really? Packing tape? That sh*t ain't cool. Even if that dog crapped in your mouth while you slept, you don't mummify it in packing tape and hang it upside down on the fridge like a f**king Post-It.

That'll do it for today. Gotta get back on the grind. Tomorrow I'll be calling around to get quotes for trucks, movers, etc & setting up everything left for my trip to Slick City for Apartment Search '09 (Part 1?). Should be fun to see the old city again. Had a thought a few weeks ago...and basically, over the last six months, I've spent about 150 days in Denver, 9 in California, 8 in New Orleans, 5 in Las Vegas, and 4 back home during Christmas. I have been home the FIFTH most of places that I've visited the past six months. So yeah, not necessarily a bad thing to spend some time there...even if at least for a few months before the next adventure. It'll really be good to see the family and the old friends that haven't made their way out here to Denver. Anyway, I'll keep you posted. Have a great day everybody!!!