Football 1001

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well... I'm live blogging from the Red Zone Channel... sort of. I'm about an hour & a half late because I was a good roommate and let Batgirl catch up on "Fringe" DVR recordings, but it was okay... so here we are... about to the two minute warnings for the 6 early games... but hey, some quick impressions from what I've seen so far.

11:20 AM - Eagles are sucking... Vick can't hold on to the ball, but it's still a game; THE BROWNS HAD A BIG LEAD AGAINST THE GIANTS, then immediately returned to being the Browns; Adam Kerrigan had a nice pick-six on Matt Ryan for the Washington Racists (er, Redskins); I've heard "Jumbo package" a few times in a few minutes... and it makes me laugh.

11:22 - Falcons tight end / future Hall of Fame statue Tony Gonzalez is ageless & amazing... just had a nice catch. Gotta give credit where credit is due...

11:23 - Just got a text from C-Real... apparently the Learning Channel (who brought us My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, Toddlers & Tiaras, Honey Boo Boo Child, 19 Kids & Counting, Sister Wives, etc) has apparently started a show called Hip Hop Exes... starring 50's ex, DMX's ex (DMXX?) and a few others... so my love for all things DMX is apparently well known at TLC. We've also decided that the theme music will obviously be "Have a Baby By Me, Baby... Be a Millionairre" by 50 Cent if they can get the royalties. It only makes sense.

11:27 - Last night, Dizzy & I made bleu bacon barbecue boar burgers on pretzel rolls... and I just love the alliteration... and they were delicious. Yes, bleu cheese, bacon, barbecue sauce, and wild pig meat on a pretzel rolls. Beer batter it next to take it from the 5B burger to 7B burger.

11:29 - Oh thank God, Pittsburgh WR Jerricho Cotchery tripped on his way to the end zone because there's no way the Eagles D would've stopped him. I think they were already heading for the sideline when they did it. Let's check the replay on that one.

11:30 - Speaking of silly names like Jerricho, last night watching college football with the ladies, we mocked many a ridiculous name... and shocker, not all of them were African-American (just the vast majority). Barkevious, Captain, Sirgregory, D'Brickashaw, Jermichael, De'Anthony, Ovinton J'Anthony, etc. I've documented these over the years... but we googled a few for a list of some of the best... and did you know there was a college player who's Christian name... was Kokain Mothership? Parents should get their naming right revoked for sh*t like that. Seriously. I don't care if George Clinton is your father, that ain't right.

11:32 - Also, I'm be mentioning more funny names as the day goes on & they're mentioned...

11:34 - Googled the new TLC show and it gets even worse... it's called "Starter Wives", yes... that's right, "Starter Wives" and will star Tashera Simmons (DMXX, former wife of the great Earl Simmons) and the wives/girlfriends who helped broke ass 50 Cent (his exes' name is Shaniqua, that's not racist if it's true), Lamar Odom (high school girlfriend? He's been paid since he was 19), Floyd Mayweather & Funkmaster Flex (real name Aston Taylor... yes, Ass-Ton, Taylor). There's also a former mob wife & the ex of some guy named "Maino" I've never heard of... but yeah, they all can't be winners like DMXX & Shaniqua. Coming this Spring...

11:39 - Lexus brings you the RZC Halftime show. NFL stepping their game up? Take that, Toyota!

11:40 - Best of luck to Indianapolis coach Chuck Pagano & his family as he battle Leukemia...

11:41 - VICK FUMBLED AT THE ONE??? THEN AGAIN??? AND THEY'RE STILL WITHIN 10 POINTS??? This has all the making of yet another one-point win this year. The Eagles may end up with a 14-2 record yet get outscored by 30 for the season...

11:43 - KANSAS CITY MAY GET THE LEAD FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR!!! Baltimore fumbled the opening kickoff of the half... and it's tied. Queue Matt Cassel f**k up... or are they just gonna hand it off three times and play it safe?

11:45 - Ooooh... that was close. Luckily pass interference saved a questionable throw by Matt Cassel. Why don't cornerbacks seem to play D well?

11:46 - HOLY SH*T!!! HE FUMBLED THE BALL!!! HOLY SH*T!!! ARE THEY GONNA BRING IN BRADY QUINN? HAHAHAHA!!! I'm kinda glad my dad's working so he doesn't have to witness his team sucking this bad...

11:47 - By the way, Matt Cassel is probably one of the luckiest guys you could ever hope to be. He backed up Heisman winners at USC (Carson Palmer & Matt Leinart, both currently with the Raiders) so basically didn't play in college... but he was drafted in the 7th round while the Heisman trophy winner that year (Jason White of Oklahoma) was NOT. He was drafted by the Patriots to backup Tom Brady... and the only reason he got to play ever... is because the Chiefs linebacker took out Brady's knee the first week. So instead of going undefeated because of their system with Brady at quarterback, they went 11-5 with somebody who hadn't started since high school about 7 years earlier... pretty sure that I could've done a similar record with their system (and my throw has been described as Tebow-esque). Anyway, based on that year, Kansas City mortgaged their future on him & have been paying for it ever since... but hey, that's football.

11:52 - While Giants coach Tom Coughlin has the game of football explained to him, let me tell you about Mangria!!! Basically, it's something that Dizzy told me... and yes, Adam Carolla apparently invented it, but it's a mix of 3 parts red wine, one part vodka & one part juice (I used cran-raspberry because it's what I have). The concoction tastes like smooth red wine... but is about 20-25% booze... and we had it last night to wash down the boar burgers... and I highly recommend it. Very warm feeling afterwards. It may make an appearance at the next Bacon Day.

11:55 - By the way, Ron Swanson & Don Draper for the Presidency in 2016? Anybody?

11:57 - Pierre Garcon's review: Looked like a completed pass to me, his knee hit the ground, then it was ripped out... but then again, I'm not a referee.

11:58 - Speaking of the refs, have the calls really been that much better? Forget the Monday Night Football thing, cuz I have a conspiracy theory that the replacement ref who f**ked up a coin toss years earlier as a regular ref kinda botched that call so that his buddies could get their jobs back with all of their demands... but all the other "bad calls" that they made, have the "real refs" really done that much better? It's all still judgement calls & that crap so... it's football. Deal with it.

11:59 - RG3 is pretty fast... so was Michael Vick... and West Virgina QB Geno Smith was pretty amazing the past few weeks. The only catch is... all it takes is one major leg injury or killing a few puppies to derail your career. Be careful gentlemen.

12:01 PM - Top two picks of this year's draft in the Red Zone simultanoeusly: RG3 just got popped in the face! OUCH!!! Andrew Luck just missed a few open receivers in the end zone on his left but then again, he was rolling right. Next play touchdown.

12:03 - How does Redskins kicker / former Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff still have a job? Does the mob has his family or something?

12:05 - Fun fact: The Racists' backup quarterback is also a rookie, former Michigan State QB Kirk Cousins who you may remember from the crazy hail mary game last year... but he was pretty decent in college. Since RG3 is trying to remember basic memories, he may get some playing time.

12:06 - TOUCHDOWN EAGLES!!! Shady McCoy...

12:10 - They've shown RG3 get popped like a dozen times at least on three different channels, I think there will be a few dozen more before the day is over.

12:14 - College football was pretty good yesterday... The Georgia vs South Carolina in the "I Can't Believe Michael Vick Got So Much Sh*t When You Have The Fightin' Cocks vs the Bulldogs in a Collegiate Atmosphere / Love the South" Bowl went pretty well, even though the Cocks blew out the Dawgs... which does sound really dirty. LSU / Florida game was good. West Virginia beat Texas in a game where the defenses took the day off apparently... yeah, college football. It's not the pros... but the names of the athletes & mascots are easily mockable.

12:18 - A few more shots of RG3 getting clocked... I hate being right most of the time...

12:20 - After the commentator asked us what we thought of a replay, when a giant scoreboard popped in the way to interfere with the replay, then the 2nd replay from a different angle was cut off... Dizzy & I went on a rant about how that happens on TV shows nowadays, especially on Fox, when an advertisement for another show will jump in the way when you're supposed to read subtitles watching a show you're actually interested in. "F**k Raising Hope coming Sunday night, I'm watching Fringe & you just f**ked up the story... they were able to give away the twist." or "Yes, I know Family Guy is coming up some time... but I'm trying to read subtitles on 24." Super Simple Solution: Move the advertisements (lose completely? Never!), move the subtitles, or best one... hire horrible dubbers from 70s martial arts moves to replace the subtitles.

12:24 - F**k, the Falcons look pretty good the first month of the season. By the way, I've pretty much decided that I'm going to New Orleans in February to see the Super Bowl & Mardi Gras in consecutive weekends. Though my dream Super Bowl would be the Eagles against anybody or the Browns vs Lions (they gotta win something eventually, right?), my gut tells me that it's looking like a Falcons - Texans battle of the South in New Orleans thus far... but then again, we've got 4 months & injuries change EVERYTHING!!!

12:27 - "Trickeration" - Real word? I like to think so... but I make up words all the time.

12:30 - By the way, I love boobs... so I'm all for the pink gloves & accents on all the uniforms for the NFL. I have a pink & green Eagles knit cap to prove it. G's can pull off pink.

12:31 - Eli Manning's first name is Elisha. FACT!!!

12:31 - Kirk Cousins just threw a touchdown in his first drive in relief of RG3... QB controversy in DC? I don't think so...

12:33 - There's new hope in Kansas City... Matt Cassel just got knocked out... I'll be sure to keep you posted. Sorry dad...

12:37 - Can't throw the ball twice on the same play, Brandon Weeden. Sorry... oh and you just got picked on the next play. No Browns in the Super Bowl this year... or ever?

12:36 - Okay, so Critical Mass is this... bicycler activist thing that happens once a month... and last week was the 20th anniversary so they basically had a few thousand bicyclists driving illegally through the already crowded streets of San Francisco... without a permit or anything, because those don't exist, because that would be f**king stupid... during rush hour on a Friday... and here's the real twist, when pedestrians try to maintain order or go about their way, they get ran the f**k over... and if vehicles follow the traffic signals & run over a few dozen douchy entitled bicyclists, they may end up going to jail (though I'm pretty sure that if it went to court I would be protected... or at least convince 12 of my peers that I was in the right, especially they're locals & were in the traffic). Plan for next time... well, that's a secret. I'm probably not going to run over anybody in my Jeep (though if I wasn't stuck behind other vehicles & would've been going down the wrong way of the street so it was technically illegal, I would have) there's a plan in place. Watch your ass, Critical Mass! Nobody loves you... and you're a drain on humanity.

12:44 - DeSean Jackson sighting... apparently he's actually playing this year. Good things should come from this.

12:45 - "Clay Harbor, the big tight end..." - First off, I like the name Clay Harbor... it sounds like a wonderful resort... secondly... why is the saying big tight end so fully to me? Must be my dirty mind... Like J-Lo if she has never broke her be-hyman...

12:47 - Chiefs basically had a fumble return for a touchdown that would've again been their first lead of the season... but it was called back because of a combination of forward progress & God hating Kansas City, Missouri.

12:49 - Uh-oh, Colts are within 2 points of the Packers? Weren't the Packers supposed to be good this year? Again?

12:50 - So... Dizzy needs to draw me... and apparently with my shirt off... if I'm not typing for a while, you'll know why...

12:52 - Ravens / Chiefs game must've been Godawful to watch in person... but luckily it's quick with all of the run plays. Already down to the two minute warning & the Ravens are running out the clock. Yup, the referees f**ked over the Chiefs. Wonder if they want those replacements refs back?

12:55 - I live in the Presidio in San Francisco. It's a beautiful national park in the heart of a great city... and this week is Fleet Week... and the Blue Angels and other aircraft (including stealth bombers) have various air shows going on from 12:30 - 4:00 PM this weekend. We went & saw it yesterday for about an hour and it was pretty cool. The rest of the time of the show... we hear them rushing by... and it's kind of cool. Last year, the windows were shaking & sh*t but not so much this year. Maybe it was the old bombers or something that did that last year. Am I bragging? Maybe a little... but that wasn't my intention. I like where I live...

12:58 - Last two minutes, Eagles have a one point lead... but the Steelers can basically run the clock and kick a field goal to win. Looks like it'll be about 40 yards so... FLY EAGLES!!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!!

12:59 - Kirk Cousins just threw an interception. QB controversy over. Even an injured RG3 may get the start next week. Hopefully he's okay though. Seems like a pretty cool cat.

1:00 - Nevermind, I forgot that the Eagles can't play the run so it'll be more of a kick in the teens yardage wise or they may just unintentionally let them in the end zone.

1:03 - Finally setting up the potentially game winning field goal for the Steelers against the Eagles...

1:04 - BLOCK IT!!! BLOCK IIIIIITTTT!!! F******KKKKKKKKKKK!!! Yeah... it went in... dang, we lost a 2-point game... oh well, at least it wasn't against the Browns...

1:06 - Later games are starting... SO MUCH FOOTBALL!!!

1:07 - Bengals QB "The Red Rifle" Andy Dalton just threw a pick, game over, Dolphins win.

1:09 - Packers LB Clay Matthews has taken over for former Colts QB Curtis Pointer for prettiest hair in the NFL I think... Imagine Fabio with an NFL Hall of Fame lineage...

1:12 - Who decided that neon green should be part of the Seahawks uniforms? Not saying whether I hate it or like it... but I assume it's the same minds that convinced the Oregon Ducks & Maryland Terrapins that they should change their uniforms to something completely different & crazy every week. Distinctive but... not exactly the greatest thing ever. At least they don't have advertisements for "Bob's Burgers" popping up on their shoulder pads or anything...

1:20 - Not nearly as interesting sh*t with the earlier games as two weeks ago with the 3 overtimes & a lot of last minute stuff... and I don't care about Jay Cutler one bit... why am I watching the Bears play the Jaguars so much on the Red Zone Channel? Still kinda surprised the Jags are still in the league...

1:21 - Was just recommended a movie by C-Real called "Carnage" that's a dark comedy starring Jodie Foster, Kate Winslett, John C Reilly & Christophe Waltz. Don't know what it's about... but I'm already sold. Netflix'd it...

1:23 - Traymon Williams... yup, it's funny to me.

1:24 - Reggie Wayne is having a great game... but the broadcaster just said "Gweat cwedit" and made me laugh for about 20 seconds...

1:25 - TOM BRADY VERSUS PEYTON MANNING!!!

1:26 - No touchdown? Well, why don't you go pout about it, Jay Cutler? Punk b**ch... but everytime they're held to a field goal... you get to see Robbie GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOULD kick a field goal. It's just fun to say.

1:27 - Reggie Wayne & Andrew Luck are leading a late charge for the Colts. Luck was just described as "Roethlisberger-esque" because he could avoid getting tackled by an arm... either that or he was able to get away with rape... but I think it was the first one... because luck doesn't need bodyguards covering a nightclub bathroom to get his swerve on... he's a Stanford educated millionairre... and he's just Lucky.

1:29 - 1st & goal with 39 seconds left... but no time outs. Drama established for the rookie quarterback.

1:31 - Broncos receiver made a nice catch, got the ball punched out by the defender while he was thinking about the endzone dance prematurely, Patriots get the fumble, and the received got blindside blocked. Talk about insult to insult.

1:33 - Touchdown Colts on the first play. No more drama. Except... Packers get it back with 35 seconds or so & two timeouts... Not quite over.

1:37 - 49ers TE Vernon Davis is a BEAST!!! 53 yard pickup...

1:38 - Packers on a drive to tie it up with a field goal... 25 seconds to go... catch by Driver? I don't know about that... review? 8 seconds with spike, what to do? One more shot? Ooh... timeout taken just before the snap... now that "HAVE" to kick the field goal.

1:40 - I'm happy for David Akers success here in San Francisco. Was worried when the Eagles cut him then learned about his daughter & that whole story... but he seems to be okay.

1:41 - WIIIIIIDE LEFT!!! COLTS WIN!!! COLTS WIN!!!

1:42 - I like the Jaguars black alternative uniforms more than their teal green ones... but hey, the green is their main color... and black is essentially just awesome.

1:43 - Jags kicker Josh Scooooobee doobee DOOOOOO!!!!

1:45 - "Have a baby by me, baby... be a millionairre..." Damn song is stuck in my head... STARTER WIVES!!!

1:46 - By the way, Dizzy is still drawing me... "Are you gonna draw me like one of your French girls, Jack?" That's right, Titanic references up in this b**ch...

1:48 - Oh... and my work's softball team started up again. It was basically announced last Thursday that it might be happening... then the next day they told us about the first game... on Monday. We won, I went 1-for-4 and drove in a run, no major f**k ups on defense in right center field (it's a softball position apparently). Went for drinks in Portero Hill afterwards. Tuesday is a double header... and apparently most games will be double headers as we play 7 games before Halloween. Yeah... go softball.

1:50 - Deuce break...

1:57 - I'm back... and just thought I'd clarify something. Dizzy may be drawing me... but it's not like I'm naked on a chaise lounge typing up this entry (insert sexy yet awkward charcoal drawing image of this), but I do have my shirt off. She's drawing my apparently manly jawline, neck & shoulders for a class of hers... so yeah, not nearly dirty... but just had a thought that I should clarify that while I was on the John...

1:58 - Broncos WR Demaryius Thomas just caught a nice pass (and I think he's the one that fumbled & got blindsided earlier) and I think he likes playing with Peyton Manning more than Tim Tebow last year.

2:01 - Oooh... it's like the Civil War in this Broncos vs Patriots game with brother versus brother... namely Chris vs Rob Gronkowski. It's no Harbaugh Bowl... but I'll take it.

2:02 - Ugh... a walleyed lens is NOT the friend of sideline reporter Tony Siragusa... sorry Goose... but your only competition for wretchedness is Jigga man in the "Sunshine" video back in the late 90s. I blame Diddy for that one...

2:07 - The coach's challenge flag... is now apparently called "The Magic Red Hankie" by the guy who does the RZC commentary. I like him. He's a bit of a smart ass... and always at possibly inappropriate times... but whatever.

2:09 - Chili mac break... courtesy of Dizzy...

2:16 - Panthers QB Cam Newton is a BEAST!!!

2:17 - Fun fact: Did you know that former Giants DE Michael Strahan has taken over for Regis Philbin on "Live with Kelly Ripa and ____"? So during the week, he's shootin' the sh*t with a former soap opera actress about... whatever the f**k can fill an hour of morning TV. Then on the weekends, he's talking football with Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long & Jimmy Johnson.

2:19 - Vikings rookie safetey Harrison Smith just got ejected for pushing a referee off of him. Really? They didn't really show the replay but... the freeze frame looked like the referee instigated it. Replacement refs? No? "ResPECT my authoritaaah!!!"

2:21 - Ugh... Bears QB Jay Cutler just LOOKS like somebody I would not enjoy being around... and that's without his pissy attitude. He just looks douchy. I wonder if he does Critical Mass...

2:26 - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was just shown in the stands of the Vikings game... and we're guessing the two men around him with graying hair, moustaches & serious looks on their face are his security team. Then I had a thought of Commission Gordon getting replaced with Commissioner Goodell in the Batman universe... and how Batman would have a choice of whether to kill him or have him service jail time for his crimes against humanity... and then thankfully they switched back to the game. See, these are the things that my mind wonders when I'm not properly distracted. God bless TV!!!

2:27 - How many guys with the last name Smith are on the 49ers roster? There's Alex, Aldon, Justin... and I think they just referred to one of the offensive linemen as Smith... Google says just the three though. I was worried. Now if they could just sign both receiver Steve Smiths... and a few others... they could just change the team name to the Smiths!!! Crazy you say? Do you know why they call the Cleveland Browns the Browns? Google that sh*t! WHO'S CRAZY NOW???

2:34 - Danny Woodhead... yup... I like it... but yeah... tehehehe...

2:37 - Ooooh... Colin Kaepernick fumbled for the 49ers. By the way, I've liked Kaepernick since he was the option QB up at Nevada when I was in Tahoe... so I like that they're finally using him starting last week... but yeah, the fumble sucks.

2:38 - Speaking of Tahoe, one of my favorite bosses from when I worked there... is going to be the new big boss at our office here!!! That was announced Friday! I'm hella excited about it... but never thought he would consider it... but maybe he just couldn't deal with the winter either... or it was just a great opportunity for him too. I don't know, I'll be sure to ask him. AWESOME SAUCE!!!

2:40 - Well, it's about halftime on these late games... but Dizzy needs a ride to work... so I'll bid you adieu for now. Hope you enjoyed my ramblings & notes from today in football. See ya next week? We'll see... Have a great weekend everbody!!! Oh... and happy Columbus Day (regardless of how I feel about celebrating him...)