("Gonna give you every inch of my dumb.")
Here's the filthy video, as forwarded to me by a reader, though I'm warning you it's not safe for work--assuming you work in an environment where people have brains and are offended by stupid idiots:
If you weren't able to watch, the subject of the video is "The Wimpification of America." Evidently awhile back President Obama said, "I'm a big football fan, but I have to tell you if I had a son, I'd have to think long and hard before I let him play football." Clearly this is a problem, because he's the President of America, and everybody American knows that thinking long and hard about anything is for pussies. Then the douchetard with the creepy dyed Andy Warhol hair goes on to say the following:
"He's talking about if he had a son he'd think long and hard about football. Uh, parents in terms of immediate risks to their children might want to think more long and hard about, uh, bicycling, which the President, I know, seems to enjoy, uh, on his vacations. I mean, in terms of people getting killed that seems to be the greater threat than football and yet we don't really talk about that."
As this idiotic mental pre-cum oozes from his mouth, we see this image of Obama bicycling wildly and irresponsibly:
(Obama rides almost as often as he shoots skeet.)
Of course, if you're one of those pussified Americans who thinks, it probably occurred to you that the leading cause of death among American teenagers isn't bicycling or football. It's actually driving. Here's something I read on an insurance company's website, so I know it's true:
The Epidemic
- Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among American teenagers, killing between 5,000 and 6,000 teenagers every year.
- No other kind of hazard comes close to claiming as many teenage lives, including homicides (13 percent) and suicides (11 percent). (2002 figures)
Of course, we're not allowed to acknowledge this in America, because if kids can't drive then how are they supposed to get to football practice?
Next, things start getting really steamy when the other idiot gives us a wide open beaver shot of the inside of her vacuous skull:
"Football is such a part of the American culture and I'm not talking about the European kind of football where they score like, what, one goal a game."
Wait, is she talking about that weird foreign sport that we call "soccer?" The one that pretty much every single kid in America plays? And since when do they score lots of goals in American football? In the last Superbowl each team scored a total of four goals. (I had to look it up because I'm not a real American.) I think she's confusing "goals" with "points." Actually, FIFA should take note, because apparently if they make each goal worth 1,000 points then they'll have the most popular game in America.
Then she adds:
"What does it say about our society if the President comes out and says 'I don't know about that sport?'"
Well, let's see, he's a lawyer and he would have reservations about letting his son play football. Holy shit, I know what it says! It says he's Jewish! A Jewish President?!? Talk about the wimpification of America!
After the shocking revelation that our President is a nebbish, Warhol Hair starts stroking his massive stupidity cock into a state of florid, purple hyper-arousal by saying that football is important to "character building"--unlike riding bikes, which somehow makes you reckless and a pussy at the same time. This gets the other idiot so wildly hot that she jumps on his pulsing moron dick and says:
"I'm not sure that you would really turn to a bicyclist and say 'I want you to be the guy in the trenches with me.'"
He agrees at the laughable notion that a cyclist could make a good soldier:
"You wouldn't say, 'I need a cyclist,' right!"
And together they collapse in a sticky, sweaty, moronic heap.
So to recap:
1) We should discourage children from riding bikes;
2) Football builds character in a way that riding bikes does not;
3) Nobody would want to fight alongside a cyclist. Gays? Begrudgingly. Women? If we have to. But cyclists? Fuck that.
Impressively reasoned.
Now, I should stress that I have nothing against kids playing football--even though I too would actually (gasp!) think about it if my own kid wanted to play. However, if we really want to become a nation of wimps, I can think of no better way than discouraging kids from riding bikes. As it is, our inability to get around without driving is turning us into a nation of flabby, impotent diabetics, so why not do away with those precious few years that kids are actually able to get around under our own power? Instead, they can all be lumbering mounds of obesity who slowly crash into each other on football fields. This will build character--the sort of character that compels you to fly into LaGuardia with a loaded gun:
(He's protecting our Second Amendment rights, unlike those craven cyclists.)
Anyway, if I were Warhol Hair, I'd worry about the fact that the only thing Americans are able to do anymore is invent iPhone apps--and now that the Chinese are hacking the shit out of us to steal them we won't even have that anymore. Maybe we can challenge them to a great big game of football, because if Obama had any sense he'd base all his policies on the movie "The Longest Yard."
Of course, the only thing Americans love as much as football is grilling meats, and a number of readers have alerted me to the Backbrat, which should cause people like Walhol Hair to experience a considerable amount of cognitive dissonance:
Longtime cycling fans will recall Jan Ullrich used a similar device to win the 1997 Tour de France.
Lastly, speaking of real Americans, Klaus of Cycling Inquisition forwarded me this:
Note the Star of People Who Have Reservations About Letting Their Children Play Contact Sports on the aerodynamic headtube.
Now that's character.
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