Actually, that's not true. This week is going to be the same length as every other week since we started using the Gregorian calendar. It's just that I won't be blogging during all of it, because I have to go to San Francisky in a couple of days to make a promotional video for my next book--which I only mention because I need to borrow a bakefiets:
(Bakefeets)
Seriously, I really do need to borrow a bakfiets for the video, so if you're in or near San Francisco and you have one you'd be willing to lend later this week let me know. You can email me at "bikesnobnyc (at) yahoo (dot) com" with the subject line "BORROW MY FEETS." I promise to make it worth your while somehow. (Or, at the very least, I promise not to go pee-pee in it.) And don't give me any attitude either, because all I'm doing is asking for something THIS ONE TIME, okay? So like I don't see what the big deal is. I hate you. I hate you all! I wish I was dead!!! [Slams bedroom door, cranks up the Nine Inch Nails, and...scene.]
Speaking of stuff that hails from the Low Countries, how awesome was that Elite Cyclocross World Championships in Louisville this past weekend?
(Sven Nys with somebody, via a reader.)
No, seriously, I'm actually asking how awesome it was, because I didn't go. Was it awesomely awesome? Was it kind of awesome? Was it middlingly awesome? Was it decidedly un-awesome? Also, my understanding is that the entire venue was underwater the next day, and that that all the Low Country competitors came back to point and laugh at our country's pathetic lack of effective levies and dikes.
I have no idea who he is or where he's from, but let's just assume he's Dutch.
Anyway, while dozens of people were enjoying the cycling cross this weekend, I was engaged in the pursuit of mountain bike bicycle cycling. Here's a picture of the bicycle I was using so I can write it off on my taxes:
(This just became a business expense.)
Just kidding, I don't pay taxes. No, this is the Internet, so the reason I put it there is so that people can tell me what's wrong with it and feel like they know about bikes. Also, it's an excuse to talk about ruts:
(A rut.)
Here in New York, we had that thing where it was really cold, then it got warm and wet, and then it got really cold again. This past weekend it was really cold, which meant that the trails were nice and firm, like a pair of synthetic breasts. (I used to have synthetic breasts but I had them removed.) Unfortunately, it seems as though a lot of people decided to ride during the warm and wet period (yeah, I just typed "warm and wet period," so what?), which resulted in a lot of this:
(Frozen ruts.)
I'm not sure why it's so hard for people to wait for the trails to freeze back up before riding again. I suppose some people just don't like to ride when it's cold. These same people also think the act of mountain bike bicycle cycling has to involve mud or else it's not "epic." Then, when it gets too cold (for them) to ride, they hang around inside posting on Internet forums about how awesomely their new 650b tubeless blahblahblah tires clear mud while everyone else deals with their ruts. Then that Dutch guy comes over and starts laughing at them:
By the way, you know who likes to ride when it's warm and wet? This guy:
(Mario Cipollini inspects a seamstress's "muffin top" in his clothing factory.)
Only when he's finished, he doesn't leave ruts, all he leaves are babies and herpes.
Speaking of being stuck in a rut, last week I linked to an article about how nobody wants cars anymore, especially young people. Of course, the car companies can't have that, which means they have to come up with new and interesting ways to trick young people already in debt for useless college educations into spending more money on a useless car in which they can drive to the jobs they don't have. That's why Dodge is now allowing aspiring suckers to slap on the shackles of car ownership by ripping off Kickstarter:
Aimed at young buyers, the Dodge Dart Registry allows potential Dart owners to solicit donations toward the purchase of a new car. That’s right, you can get other people to buy the car for you.
Consider Michael, who needs a care "more practical than his beloved Pontiac Trans Am to drive to school and work:"
For example, a registrant named Michael, from Toledo, Ohio, says he needs a car more practical than his beloved Pontiac Trans Am to drive to school and work. So he created a sporty orange Dart online and has solicited $103 to pay for a sliding armrest and a parking brake lever. As of Thursday, he still needed an engine and wheels and the like, but Michael still has 76 days to raise money for the remaining 69 fundable parts.
Here's Michael driving to work in his current car:
What the hell does he want with a Dart? His current ride is both practical and stylish.
In any case, I think the Dart registry is mostly just more slimy and derivative marketing from the auto companies, though I'm very tempted to start one for David Byrne:
("You got me a what?" [FML, facepalm, etc.])
He'd complain, but you know he'd drive it.
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