Everybody Loves Macaque

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

It finally happened. I didn't have a beautiful woman next to me in my Spinning class last night at the gym…but as always, there's a story involved. I show up a few minutes early as I usually do, already in a bit of a sweat because I usually work out for about 45 minutes before class (basketball, weights, treadmill, whatever) and the class starts to fill in. In walks this tall, cute brunette…and of course, I'm already thinking "Oh yeah, she's the one that's going to sit on this bike in front of me." I continue to pedal nonchalantly, playing it cool…and as luck would have it, she did start to adjust the bike in front of me. $teve wins again!!! Then about three seconds later, this guy in his fifties comes in the door and creeps to the bike next to her. She sees this, see that basically the only people in the class are all bunched right there in front of me, and then goes to one of the other bikes on the other side of the room. I was just Gawk Blocked. Anyway, it was still a pretty good workout…and Hot Yoga is tonight…so there's going to be some hot, sweaty eye candy and a bunch of Thai words I don't know, so I have permission to look around. You know, to see what everybody's doing. Don't judge me.

Have you ever been watching something and thought "What if my parents could see me now?" It happened to me last night…as I was watching…and I kid you not…the COMMENTARY of the MTV series the Wildboyz…for what ended up being about four hours. How cool am I? Say what you will though, it was hilarious. I was never a big fan of Jackass…but I really enjoy the Wildboyz. It's a natural show / anthropological study / frat party / variety show / the most disgusting thing you can show on television. Again, don't judge me.

We had a competition at work yesterday…and it was basically a game show about how to do our job…and we were primed to win and our department knew all the answers…but ultimately lost by a point because I guess our buzzer person wasn't fast enough…but that's not the point of this story. This is what we call the back-story. So Boss Lady S was kind of stunned that we lost…because we're the best. We all know it. They all know it. They just got lucky, thus the magic of March Madness. However, one of the ladies in our department told her as an excuse, "If it were a written test and we could write in the answers with our number twos, then we would've won." I laughed out loud…because I instantly pictured writing down answers…with a number two…like a monkey using brown finger paint. After a few seconds, some of the others started laughing…and then explaining it to the rest. Anyway, that's my story. Just thought I'd share it with ya. Oh…and we definitely would've won with our number twos…but lucky for janitorial, that wasn't the case. We would've surely resorted to flinging.

Pet Monkey Update - Even after that lovely image, everybody wants a monkey for a pet, right? They're so damn cute in those movies…and at the zoo…and even when barreled up or stuffed with plush…and you can teach them to grab you a beer, mow the lawn and everything else children are used for...but there's a downside, a very serious downside…and that is why, there shall be no monkey in my pet owning future. The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee in Connecticut filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million in damages against the primate's owner, saying she was negligent and reckless for lacking the ability to control "a wild animal with violent propensities." Attorneys for Charla Nash, who remains in critical condition, filed the lawsuit against Sandra Herold late Monday in Superior Court in Stamford. The suit also alleges that Herold had given the chimp medication that further upset the animal. Herold has made conflicting public statements about whether she gave Xanax, an anti-anxiety drug, to Travis (the chimp) on the day of the attack. The drug had not been prescribed for the animal, police said. Herold knew the 200-pound chimp, Travis, was agitated when she asked Nash to come to her house on February 16th, the lawsuit said. The suit accuses Herold of negligence and recklessness for owning "a wild animal with violent propensities, even though she lacked sufficient skill, strength and/or experience to subdue the chimpanzee when necessary." Their attorney Charles Willinger said, "Our client, Charla Nash, has suffered and will continue to suffer agony and pain beyond our comprehension. This is a tragedy ... that should not have happened." Nash, 55, lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids in the 12-minute mauling. Many bones in her face were crushed, and the attack may also have left her blind and brain damaged. She is in critical condition at the Cleveland Clinic, which in December performed the first face transplant in the United States. Doctors haven't said if Nash will be a candidate for such a procedure. So yeah…no monkeys. Not so cute now, are they? The only question I really have is…why the hell did this lady have a full-grown chimpanzee if she wasn't trained? Is there some kind of loophole in the pet laws of Connecticut? A big dog is one thing…but big dogs don't use tools and climb trees with the greatest of ease. Truly a tragic story…but $50 million? Really? This Sandra Herold must be LOADED!!!

Pet Parrot Update - I mentioned the other day that I was considering getting a pet…and one of the most intriguing was a parrot that I could teach to make ladies swoon. Well, here in Denver, a parrot whose cries of alarm alerted his owner when a little girl choked on her breakfast has been honored as a hero. Willie, a Quaker parrot (not Quacker), has been given the local Red Cross chapter's Animal Lifesaver Award. In November, Willie's owner, Megan Howard, was baby-sitting for a toddler. Howard left the room and the little girl, Hannah, started to choke on her breakfast (Fruit Loops?). Willie repeatedly yelled "Mama, baby" and flapped his wings, and Howard returned in time to find the girl already turning blue. Howard saved Hannah by performing the Heimlich maneuver but said Willie "is the real hero." Hannah's mother Samantha Kuusk said, "The part where she turned blue is always when my heart drops no matter how many times I've heard it. My heart drops in my stomach and I get all teary eyed." Willie got his award during a "Breakfast of Champions" event Friday attended by Governor Bill Ritter and Mayor John Hickenlooper (yes, that's his real name). So now, I'm thinking of another possibility for a pet parrot. Not just as a smooth-talking, multi-colored bird to impress the ladies…but also as a crime-fighting superhero…and in either case, his name would be…Wingman!!!

Just picture it, a dark moonless night…and a waitress is walking home through the mean streets of Denver. Suddenly, there's the cling of a bottle being kicked against asphalt. "Who's there? I've got mace." She reaches into her purse…but before she can reveal her weapon, SNAG, she's in the grasp of some unsavory character with her mouth covered. "Ah-ah. Calm down, sweetie. Just gimme the purse." She struggles helplessly as this guy is double her size and thrice her smell (it was a double shift). Suddenly, out of the night, they hear a shrill voice ringing in the brisk night air, like a megaphone, "Let her go. You're completely surrounded." The mugger glances around and sees no one, "Who's there? I ugh…I've got mace." Still nothing in sight. "(Whistle) Over here, jackass!" Still nothing can be seen. "There ain't no cops." Trash cans tip over down the alley. "Show yourself!!!" Still nothing. "Agh, reach for the sky…or I'll open fire. (Whistle)" "Is that a f**king parrot?" WHAM!!! He's judo chopped from behind by a tall, dashing gentleman with a nine o'clock shadow wearing a Mardi Gras mask. "Nah, mother lover. That's my Wingman." With a gesture of his hand, a green & blue parrot lands on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" The lady is stunned at what just happened, "Yeah, I think so…just a little woozy. Who are you?" "Just a man who doesn't want to see anybody hurt, ma'am." "You have a beautiful bird." "Raagh, your smile is like sunshine." She giggles at the unexpected squawk, "What's his name?" "Mookie." "Mookie?" "Don't look at me, his parents are the one that picked it…and he's absolutely right about your smile." From there, I offer to walk her back to her place a few blocks away, she invites us up for coffee and birdseed, "time passes", and she wakes up the next morning with a story to tell and a lovely letter from her mysterious superhero superlover…and I have to listen to the damn bird say "Oh God, that's the spot! Keep the mask on. (Whistle)" for the next few weeks. Somehow it never gets old though. So that's one possibility for a pet. Oh…and as for my superhero outfit, it's much easier to be inconspicuous in a Mardi Gras mask…than in an all neon green spandex suit like the other possible outfit…so there you go. No Green Man on this adventure…or Chewbacca.

Everybody Gets One - Speaking of superheroes, a Thai fireman turned superhero when he dressed up as comic-book character Spider-Man to coax a frightened eight-year-old from a balcony. Teachers at a special needs school in Bangkok alerted authorities on Monday when an autistic pupil, scared of attending his first day at school, sat out on the third-floor ledge and refused to come inside, a police sergeant told AFP. Despite teachers' efforts to beckon the boy inside, he refused to budge until his mother mentioned her son's love of superheroes, prompting fireman Sonchai Yoosabai to take a novel approach to the problem. The rescuer dashed back to his fire station and made a quick change into a Spider-Man costume (that he conveniently had in his locker at work?) before returning to the boy. "I told him Spider-Man is here to rescue you, no monsters are going to attack you and I told him to walk slowly towards me as running could be dangerous," Somchai told local television. The young boy immediately stood up and walked into his rescuer's arms, police said. Somchai said he keeps the Spider-Man costume and an outfit of Japanese television character Ultraman at the station in order to liven up school fire drills. What kind of luck is that? He just happened to have a Spider-Man outfit and helped save an autistic child. Again, stem cells. Let's find a way to help these autistic kids so we don't have to rely on luck like this. Super cool story from the land of Muay Thai, Curry and Tony Jaa.

$teve in Space - Well, it's official. NASA's online contest to name a new room at the international space station went awry. Fellow $teve, former Presidential candidate and comedian Stephen Colbert won. The name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options in the space agency's effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year. NASA's mistake was allowing write-ins. Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report," to write in his name…and they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes. Nearly 1.2 million votes were cast by the time the contest ended Friday. NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters "the most consideration." We shall see if NASA has the balls to go through with it…but I think they will. Why? Because it's great publicity for them…and there's the segment on his show "Who's Honoring Me Now?" where he'll plug those who are stroking his ego…and there's constant updates on things named after him…even what may turn out to be the room used for the crapper in a space station. Congratulations Mr. Colbert!!! You're going to space.

Crazy Pastor of the Week - A Wisconsin pastor and parishioner have been cited by police for shooting an arrow during a church service. The pastor asked to have the arrow shot across the front of the church during a recent service at Pentecostals of Sheboygan County as a 'teaching tool' (Damn, I thought discipline at Catholic schools was harsh). As the parishioner prepared to shoot the arrow with his bow, one man (we'll call him…Killjoy) stood up and objected, telling the pastor it was unsafe and illegal. Parishioners said the pastor told the man to be quiet and sit down…and offered him a cup of shut the f**k up (not true…because the church frowns upon such language). When Killjoy objected a second time, the pastor asked him to leave. He did and called police. The parishioner was cited for using a missile indoors and the pastor was cited for aiding and abetting. Both were fined $109. Now, that's great and all…but I'm just curious what the lesson was that required a teaching tool like an arrow being shot in a church…possibly in the general direction of a statue of the Virgin Mary? "You must follow the path, straight and narrow…like the path of an arrow. Brother Johnson, will you kindly show them the way?" A man in the front row stands up with a bow and quiver. "Ugh…excuse me, Pastor? What's going on here?" "Brother Johnson and I are gonna teach y'all a lesson…by firing this arrow, straight & narrow, towards the center of the crucifix?" There's a rustle amongst the crowd as wagers are already being made with regards to the accuracy. "What does that have to do with anything? Shouldn't we focus more on how to live on the righteous path rather than some silly metaphor?" Someone in the crowd yells back, "Shut up Rogers, I've got ten bucks saying he pulls it right and the arrow hits the painting behind it." "Brother Rogers, please leave." "Sure thing. I'm not gonna be here for this." Sometimes metaphors can be dangerous…especially in church…with projectile weaponry.

Well, that'll do it for this evening. As mentioned before, Hot Yoga tonight, probably followed by some more Wildboyz (I do have all four seasons mind you). Tomorrow is when there's supposed to be "the storm of the year" bringing something like 7-8 inches of snow to the Denver Metro area…and allegedly 8-20 feet in the mountains or something like that…but we'll see. I have yet to see more than an inch or so in one dusting of the area…and that's just enough to make everything slick. Be careful out there, ladies & gentlemen. Have a great day everybody!!!