That's Right, SPACE RABIES!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Let's see, this weekend I really didn't do much…as you might have already heard. I talked with my mom and brother about…well, mostly my sister-in-law and her reverting back to her crack-whore ways…but also about my trip to California coming up in TEN DAYS!!! You can guess which subject I preferred to focus on. I also briefly considered getting a pet. That was a serious sign to me that I was feeling kinda lonely. "Kinda?" Yes, kinda. However, if I were to have a pet, it'd have to be something that could survive extended periods of time without me. Not that I'm not a responsible person…but I do go on vacations once in a while…and I don't really have people in the immediate area that I trust with a key to my crib…and I REALLY don't trust my pet being left alone. There's also a huge financial obligation. In my natural fashion, I broke it down a little bit. If I were to have a pet, it'd have to be a dog. Why? Here you go…

Cats - Not because I don't love pussy (don't you dare think that for a moment) but because I just prefer dogs…and I think that I might be allergic to cats. Either that or cats just irritate the sh*t out of me and I break into hives. I like to feel like I’m wanted…and cats just don't do that. They're too cool for school. I'm obviously a little more extroverted than that…and I would assume my pet would be the same.

Small Dogs - Also, no small dogs. They simply have no reason to exist other than to irritate and feed larger mammals. "Oh but they're so cute." No, they are not cute. They also run the risk of being stepped on repeatedly with these size 14's, so we'll go with the angle of…for the benefit of their safety, I shall not own a small dog.

Big Dogs - So that leaves a big dog. Big dogs are messy…and large…and they eat a lot…which means they crap a lot…in large quantities…like, I would be impressed with myself to pinch some of the loaves that I've seen come out of a German Shepard. That being said, I have no yard. I live in an apartment on the 34th floor. There's not a whole lot of room to run around in my apartment while I'm at work…but lots of parks in the area for when I'm off work. I also have a lot of nice new furniture…and for a dog that won't be housebroken…and if he/she is anything like me, will rub up on or gnaw on anything that isn't looking, then that can mess up the furniture pretty quickly.

Other Cons - Also, my apartment building has a $700 deposit for pets…and I'm not sure…but they may have a weight limit too. So what does that leave? Goldfish? Burmese python? Ferret? I'm not going to be the guy who lives alone with a Gerbil for a pet? That creeps even me out. I also seem to remember there being a restriction on having a bird…so I couldn't even have a Parrot that I teach to say flattering things to guests. "RAAAGH, I love the way the moonlight glows on your cheek. (Whistle)" Oh yeah, I could make it work…especially if I could find a way to bring the voice down a few octaves to Barry White level.

Pros - Pets are awesome for a sense of connection to something…and they're loyal…and though they don't talk back, that doesn't matter…because I'm fully capable of having complex and intriguing conversations with myself. I just know that the pet, whatever it may be, would look back at me with a blank stare…and then when/if I stop talking, they would probably try to lick my crotch. Just like their daddy $teve does when he has a lady visitor. So I guess I'll just have to work on finding a girlfriend or something. Sure, they can also be a financial obligation…and not necessarily as loyal…but they can provide their own perspective on a conversation, have a more noticable smile, typically less hairy, are housebroken, and the best part…is that I can have sex with them…and it won't be some horrible, horrible perversion against God. So yeah, that's why I'm probably not going to have a pet. At least for the time being.

Now that I've scared you all, let's review some movies that I watched over the weekend. The first one up is Guy Ritchie's latest "RocknRolla" starring Gerard Butler. Apparently, this is the first part of a trilogy written & directed by Guy Ritchie…but after very few people went to see this in theatres, he may have put it on the shelf…and is currently doing that Sherlock Holmes flick with Robert Downey jr. Anyway, this movie is another twisted little tale about the London underground and how various capers and swindlings come together into one large clusterf**k, add a few jokes, funny accents throughout (maybe subtitles are a good idea if you haven't seen a lot of British movies), and overall, it was a pretty good and intriguing and at times, hilarious little romp…but I wouldn't necessarily go out of your way to check it out. If you enjoy Guy Ritchie movies like "Snatch", "Lock, Stock & Two Smokin' Barrels" and "Revolver" then I say check it out. If not, I'm sure that you can find something else that you'd like more.

The next one that I saw was one of my new favorite foreign films, "Amelie" which has been out for a while…but yeah, never saw it. I heard great things from everybody that has ever seen it…and Filly & I listened to the soundtrack during our cross-country trip to move her to New Orleans…and it seemed like my kind of show. It absolutely was. The story is about a lovely French girl who sees the world a little differently…and has never really met a lot of people because she was sheltered and homeschooled. Now, she's a young woman…and while in her apartment, stumbles upon a hidden treasure chest of toys that belong to a former tenant from about 40 years earlier. She thinks "Wouldn't it be great to give these treasures of someone's childhood back?" So she does…and it went very well…so her typical curiosities become new missions of spreading goodwill…in ways that are entertaining to her too. It's a great story about finding life, Love, finding splendor in the little things, and is a great movie that I suspect I'll probably watch whenever I'm having a Gloomy Gus Day…and I don't feel like listening to dick & fart jokes. It's a great flick…and if you haven't seen it, go out and do so…even if you're not a fast reader (there are subtitles…but listening to a young lady speak French, it's worth it).

Later that night, what could possibly follow up cute quirky French girl…but curvaceous 50s Hollywood starlets? So I watched the classic comedy "Some Like It Hot" starring Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon and the tragically beautiful Marilyn Monroe. The story is set in 1929 during Prohibition…and two bandmember buddies Joe & Jerry (Curtis & Lemmon) witness a mob killing in Chicago…and are on the run. They do so by pretending to be women bandmembers and hopping on a train with a all-female big band on its way to Miami for a few weeks. The lead singer / ukulele player happens to be the stunning Sugar Kane (Monroe) and of course, they both fall for her…but they're supposed to be girls…so what to do? Well, just so I don't spoil anything, let me just say that this is one of the great classic comedies and if you haven't checked it out, I highly recommend that you do. It's entertaining, quick witted, and everything that you want in a comedy…and it doesn't have to resort to toilet humor. Besides, did I mention that Marilyn Monroe was in it? In swimsuits and evening gowns? No? Well, she is…and that will detract from the fact that Jack Lemmon may have been a handsome man, but he is not a pretty woman.

Last night, after watching basketball (still have 13 of the Sweet 16 right and all of my Elite 8 picks), I decided to watch a documentary. Now, the past month or so, I've watched a few movies starring the real life character of journalist Hunter S. Thompson…and he intrigued me. So I watched "Gonzo: The Life & Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson" which was narrated by Johnny Depp. I learned so much about this guy that I had no idea. Basically, all I knew beforehand was that he did a lot of drugs, drank Wild Turkey in excess, hated Nixon & bats, had a gun fetish and mumbled a lot when he talked. I had no idea that he wrote the book "Hell's Angels", covered the McGovern campaign, ran for sheriff of Aspen, and looked for the American Dream…but sadly never really found it. Another thing, I was certain this guy had died back in the late seventies or something. I assumed that because that's when they started making movies about his books and personal adventures…but he actually didn't die until committing suicide in 2005…and he wrote not just for Rolling Stone…but also Sports Illustrated and ESPN…yet I had no idea and those are the only magazines that I read. Could I possibly have been that naïve? Apparently so. Anyway, he was a complex and crazy guy…and passionate about his work and his writing…and you have to respect that. By the end, you kinda feel sorry for the guy…because his heart and belief in the American Dream was basically shattered in the 70's by Nixon…and then he saw the same horrible political BS thirty years later with Bush…and that seemed to ultimately drive him to suicide. He seems like the kind of guy who went at everything full head-on…and when it didn't go his way, it really effected him and drove him to a path of self-destruction. Again, why I was surprised that he made it out of the seventies…but alas, he did. Another thing that I learned…is that apparently he has a monument on his property in Woody Creek, Colorado which is about 3.5 hours from here…and oddly enough, on the way to Vegas. Hmm, sounds like an intriguing weekend trip if I wanted to go hang out in Vail or Aspen or something…and then head to Vegas for an official Hunter S Thompson week-long trip…and then up to San Francisco along the PCH. We'll just skip the DC portion. Anyway, yeah the documentary was really good and informative…and I'm intrigued to read a few of Dr Thompson's works now. We'll see if it translates to me getting a local library card…or just continuing to write down my own ramblings and mumble when I talk. Time will tell.

After that, I watched a favorite movie from my childhood entitled "Howard the Duck" starring Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones and Tim Robbins. By the way, did you know that it was produced by George Lucas? Yeah, the guy has a resume that includes American Graffiti, six Star Wars movies, four Indiana Jones movies…and Howard the Duck. A story about a three-foot tall talking duck who was transported through the cosmos from his home planet to Earth by a laser beam…and lands in Cleveland, befriends a hot rocker girl (Thompson) and with the help of a lab assistant (Robbins) tries to get back to his home planet. This all goes awry when the Dark Overlords of the Universe try to use the same laser beam to come from their dimension of evil to take over Earth…and only one man…er, duck can save mankind. Despite being, well, a ridiculous story, I still enjoyed it…and I think it has mostly to do with the fact that I watched it thousands of times as a kid…and I'm intrigued by the subtle hints of interspecies erotica within a PG movie…much like "Free Willy", "Milo & Otis" and the "Air Bud" movies. What? You didn't see that angle in those Disney flicks? Really? Well, it's been a long time since I've seen any of those. Maybe I'm just crazy. Anyway, it's an entertaining little flick if you're a master of the art of suspension of disbelief. I'd say check it out if you're into a crazy 80's movie night or something. Goes great with "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" and other classics.

Well, that'll do it for today. Not much going on…but I'm sure I'll stop by the gym after work and do a yoga class or something, then cook me up something delicious…and probably watch another movie…or women's college basketball if it's on that late. I'm easy to please. Still no takers for the Bacon Brothers. While supplies last. Have a great day everybody!!!