Ripped Like Jesus

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

A record heat wave has hit Denver…making it quite pleasant with temperatures in the mid-70's when normally this is the snowiest month of the year (knock on wood). SO TAKE THAT, LILIE!!! We don't need your stinkin' beaches. Okay, that's a lie. I still plan on visiting in a month…and going to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm and everywhere else. Let's see, what else? Taking care of my taxes later today. I may have spoken a little too early on the whole brother's divorce thing, apparently it's not official…and there was been some interest expressed in working it out by both parties involved. I'm telling you, these two are just insanely hormonal or something. I swear I could track major events & breakups in their relationship for the last…God, over three-and-a-half years now…and I'm pretty sure that I'd find patterns of four weeks for mild eruptions and six months for cataclysmic meltdowns. Maybe it has something to do with the lunar pull…and with the Equinox coming in a few weeks, it's starting to mellow out…but watch out for the Solstice in June. I don't know. I wish them the best in whatever they decide. Obviously I care for both of them…but I understand that some people just don't click together. I really think they do…but what do I know about this stuff? I mean…how long has it been? AH! Change the subject.

Ugh…yesterday, I played some two-on-two basketball for about an hour and then followed it up with an hour-long Spinning class and then some weights. I'm really starting to get my athletic form back when combined with a healthier diet (not Taco Bell & Carl's Jr every other day). I'm not exactly eating raw veggies & tofu or anything…but more homemade stuff and leaner food…and cutting out soda entirely for the past week or so…and who knows, maybe for good. Okay, probably not that…but definitely cutting down on it even more than I have. Luckily, I'm a big fan of juice. If I were really ambitious, I'd say that I'm cutting out alcohol…but that's not going to happen. I just drink for social occasions (P.S. Less than two weeks until St Patty's Day) and even then, moderation. It's just been a long time since I've felt really healthy & was playing basketball every day…and I'm starting to get there again. It's pretty cool. Anyway, here's some news...

No Texting for Lent - Still no soda thus far…but I'm not sure if I could do this one. The bishop of Modena in northern Italy told Catholic youth to give up a popular practice during the holy season of Lent: no text messaging on their mobile phones on Fridays. (Well, maybe if it's just Fridays) No texting will allow young people to "detox from the virtual world and get back in touch with themselves," Monsignor Benito Cocchi was quoted as saying by La Repubblica on Tuesday. Italy ranks second in Europe after Britain for the number of text messages (50 per month on average) by users of the "telefonino" -- Italian for mobile phone. Other bishops picked up Cocchi's message and urged youth in their dioceses of Bari in the south and Pesaro in central Italy to also stop texting on Fridays. More advice on curbing overconsumption during Lent came from Trentino in the northeast where the Catholic faithful were asked to give up driving their cars on Sundays and in Venice to drink water from the tap, instead of from bottles, to help the environment. April 12th is Easter, marking the end of Lent. Oddly enough, the day I'll be getting back from California. Should be a fairly easy task…but don't worry everybody. I'll still be texting…even on Fridays. For example, yesterday, between text conversations with JL Clyde, Filly & Lilie, I texted approximately 60 messages and received just as many. And no, I don't twitter. I only update my status on Facebook every week or so. By the way, is anybody else all of a sudden craving gelato after reading this story?

Kitty Bong - An Omaha man who tried to cool out his hyper cat by stuffing her into a boxlike homemade bong faces cruelty charges...and catcalls from animal lovers. Lancaster County sheriff's deputies responding to a domestic disturbance call Sunday alleged they saw 20-year-old Acea Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to a duct-taped, plastic glass box in which the cat had been stuffed. Sgt. Andy Stebbing said, "This cat was just dazed. She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society." Schomaker told deputies 6-month-old Shadow was hyper and he was trying to calm her down. The contraption she had been stuffed inside was 12 inches by 6 inches (yes, that's an actual picture of it). Shadow was timid but in good condition Monday at the Capital Humane Society, executive director Bob Downey (not Robert Downey) said. Schomaker, who was released from jail after paying a $400 fine on the arrest warrant, faces drug and misdemeanor animal cruelty charges. Having worked with people from Omaha for many years, this doesn't surprise me (glad you escaped Jewels) but still, this is just a messed-up story. Then again, I'm sure that somebody out there read this story and said, "So wait, if we make the hot box smaller…then we'll be super chill. Smokey, get me some duct tape, a fish tank, some funjuns and a snorkel. I've got an idea." That's what we call a MacGyver smoker. Oh yeah…and Mr. Schomaker should be neutered so that he can't reproduce. It's justice in my opinion.

Panda Update - A Thai zoo has again resorted to artificial insemination of its giant pandas after pornography, low-carb diets and even a spell out in the cold failed to inspire the celibate pair. Chiang Mai zoo's star residents, nine-year-old Chuang Chuang and his eight-year-old partner Lin Hui, have showed no interest in reproducing the traditional way since they arrived on a 10-year loan from China in 2003. But determined zoo officials, despite failing in a previous attempt at sperm donation two years ago, said they were hopeful a second try could finally produce a cub. "The artificial insemination was successfully conducted on February 18 at 1:30 pm, which was the most suitable time for successful reproduction," Sophon Dumnui, the head of the team behind the attempt, said in a statement. The zoo must now wait up to three months to find out if the method has worked. Hopes were first raised among zoo officials this year when cold weather in the northern city in January prompted an unusually frisky response from Lin Hui. Authorities took the pair out of their usual climate-controlled environment in the hope that the chilly climes would provoke a steamy response during the pandas' mating season. Lin Hui was first artificially inseminated with semen from her companion in April 2007, but it didn't take. The previous year Chuang Chuang, who had been deemed too heavy to mate with Lin Hui, lost seven kilograms (15 pounds) on a low-carbohydrate diet, and was then shown 15-minute video clips of successful panda couplings…but the panda porn (which I still firmly believe I am responsible for) did little to inspire. Giant pandas, notorious for their low sex drive, are among the world's most endangered animals. Maybe Chuang Chuang's having a problem with the pressure of an entire species resting on his…shoulders? Hmm, maybe they should change their names…like we talked about yesterday with the vegetables and lazy eyes. Maybe if they were named Schwing Schwing & Lin Ho or something drastic like Lo Dong & Mei So Ho Ni or something, it's just crazy enough to work. No need to thank me (like you forgot to do with the panda porn thing), just pay it forward…and make some panda babies. Have you tried playing some Barry White or Marvin Gaye? I've heard that Asian stuff with sitars and whatever…and it's not quite the same ambience. All I'm saying is…offer me a job in China (or even the San Diego Zoo or any with pandas occupying them) and I will at LEAST double your panda population within five years. If there's one thing I can do…it's set the mood for babymaking of any species. I'm on Monster.com so let me know when I can start. I'm not cheap…but I'm effective.

That concludes today's episode. Join us next time when I ramble on about this & that, throw in a poop joke or two and entertain myself…and hopefully others. Fingers crossed for a big tax return. I could sure use that cash right about now…especially with the trip to Cali in (drum roll) four weeks. Can't wait to get some of that Cali sun. Oh wait, I've got the sun right here…because it's 70 right now. Maybe I just need to get out of work before sunset. Hopefully this'll carry over into the weekend so I can have some fun running around the park or flying a kite or something. Don't judge me. Flying a kite is fun…and I know you're super jealous…because there's ALWAYS a steady wind here in the Mile High City. Have a great day everybody!!! Go fly a kite if you can!!!