With a little help from my friends.....

If you can, click play on the video, it's another soundtrack for the day.

It appears that we've started a revolution! My buddy Mike has started a spot of his own which you should definitely check out; Ramblings of a Fat Necked Zilch.

I met Mike twenty years ago now way back in our high school Creative writing class. That class was the most fun that I've ever had doing anything in my life and Mike was an integral part of our sketch comedy team, so I have absolutely no doubt that he'll be terrific and that you'll enjoy hearing what he has to say.

Back then all I wanted to do with myself was write for Saturday Night Live, and if you look at the cast picture from above you can pick out the heavyweights that were on the show at the time and why it may have been so inspirational to a creative mind. I don't see Mike Myers in there, but he was a huge part also, who can forget Wayne's World? Party on! Of course, that was just before the show completely sucked like it has for the past 15 years now.

I knew that I had something as a writer when I wasn't allowed to work with certain members of the class because we were too good to work together, and as I'm told, the teacher (head of the English department) used my work for years afterwards to show other students how its done.

What I'm amazed at is how many friends that I still have and kept in touch with from my days at Francis Lewis High School and what incredible people that each and every one of them turned out to be. While that may not be such a big thing for many of you reading here, New York City is so sprawling that very few people spend their entire lives surrounded by the same kids they grew up with. When you throw in the twists and turns where life takes you it all adds up to very different, divergent paths for everyone involved. Yet, when I think about the people I talk to and spend my time with the most.... the majority of them went to Lewis.

Speaking of friends, I was having a rough one last Thursday, feeling really down on myself for some unknown reason. So my buddy Kris asked me to come out to Kodiak's on RT 110 in Farmingdale. I had no idea what I was walking into. Apparently it was Karaoke night, but they do it like no other place that I've ever heard of. If you want to sing you have to get up on the stage, with a live band playing behind you, and throw yourself at the mercy of the crowd. They have a gong that gets slammed when you suck, and you get yanked off the stage to the sound of cheering patrons if you're not up to snuff. But they aren't only cheering for silencing those voices that sound like someone's skinning cats in back alleys... NO... when someone gets gonged the bartenders (our bartender was incredible, hot, smart, blew me away) get up on the bar and pour free shots down your throat. That's right, free shots for everyone! It was INSANE!

The place is so good even Rod Stewart showed. He didn't sing; didn't want us to hear the cancer in his throat.

Of course, you're only as good as the company you keep, and usually that amounts to bad things and you becoming the lowest common denominator, but the crew I was with that night made it a total blast and pulled me out of my funk completely. I had such a good time that by 2 AM I found myself drinking with a girl that was the spitting image of Lady Jaye from GI Joe.

I'm not sure what I'm more disturbed about, that when I google Lady Jaye for a pic that I can't get one because all that comes up are images of Spiderman's Mary Jane Watson, or the images that do come up when I see them

I think I'm dating myself here. Scarlet is the only GI Joe female that anyone seems to know anything about, some information age we live in. It's funny, all the different tangents I go off in while I write these things, I can't control them, I just go with it, but now I think I have to go and find this statue

No wonder why everyone loves Spiderman!

So back to my point about friends. In life many of us get down on ourselves, especially when things aren't going they way we want them to or we aren't living the life we meant to live. But you never really know the impact that you have on other people.

After drinking all night Thursday I was completely hung over Friday, in what I should have known was the beginning of a disastrous weekend. For most the of the day I was throwing up at work and couldn't keep anything down, which is why we had no Friday edition of this spot, but I'm a trooper and dealt with it. I left work early to get to a playoff softball game, only to have my tire blow out with no way to loosen a stripped nut to change the tire. I was stuck on the side of the highway in a dangerous spot for 5 hours in the middle of yet another thunderstorm with 1 bar left on my phone. Not exactly the greatest Friday night, right?

Except that the entire night countless numbers of friends continued to check up on me from wherever they were just to make sure that I was alright and to see what they could do to get me out of that mess.

We often lose sight of the things we really do have in our lives, especially when the chips are down and our backs are against the wall. We sometimes lash out, or whine and cry, hoping that someone will see the pain we're in and do something to pull us out of it, only to feel crushed when no one seems to notice. But how often do we ever really ask for help? Most of the time our pride keeps us from doing it.

It never ceases to amaze me though, when we come right out and say it, "I'm in a real bad spot right now, and this is what's wrong" how many people are willing to do so much to get you going again. And in those moments you really get to see what it is, and who it is, that you really have.

Winning in life doesn't mean having the most stuff, the biggest house, the best vacations. The people that stuff attracts disappear when it counts. Winning in life means having people behind you that care enough to always put that smile back on your face.

Party on People!

Return of Bogi Harrison

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Been a little cold the past few days… but should warm up to normal by tomorrow in time for the weekend. Can’t wait. Work’s been busy… but yeah… three-day weekend followed by two days of work, then a five-day weekend. Boy howdy!!! Here’s some news…

Nevada Update – Oh, the things that make the news sometimes here in the Silver State. The misuse of one little vowel frustrates a lot of Nevadans who get irritated by the mispronunciation of the state's name — using an "ah" instead of "a." Outgoing (and enthusiastic?) Assemblyman Harry Mortenson is proposing more tolerance. The Las Vegas Democrat is working on a resolution for the 2011 legislative session to make the "Ne-VAH-da" pronunciation equally acceptable to the one with the short "a." Mortenson says he's not asking Nevadans to change. He just wants the Spanish pronunciation recognized. Nevadans have long bristled over the issue (allegedly). In 1944, Reno newspapers even scolded former heavyweight boxing champion Jack Dempsey for his "East Coast" pronunciation during an appearance. Oh yes… and there was a war going on during that time, ladies & gentlemen. Look, who gives a sh*t? 99% of the time that you’re referring to the state anyway is that you’re going to Vegas or Reno for the weekend… and nobody thinks you’re going to Las Vegas, New Mexico. I don’t know. I wouldn’t hold my breathe though. I’m still waiting for the Arkansas legislature to process my correct pronunciation of Ar-Kan-Zas. Something about not being a citizen of the state will get you thrown out of a discussion pretty quick. It shouldn’t though. That’s being… State-ist or something. Judging not by the content of my character… but by the location of my home for tax purposes.

Julio Iglesias Married – Since we’re talking about Spanish pronunciations, I thought I’d mention that one of my favorite singers, the great Spanish singer Julio Iglesias (yes, Enrique’s dad) has married Dutch model Miranda Rijnsburger, his partner for the past 20 years. The 66-year-old singer announced the marriage in a statement to Spanish newspapers. The wedding took place at the Virgen del Carmen church in the southern jet-set resort of Marbella. Rev. Roberto Rojo Aguado, one of three priests who celebrated the ceremony, told The Associated Press on Friday that the couple were married Tuesday. He said the ceremony was attended by two witnesses and the couple's five children. Rijnsburger is 45. Iglesias was previously married to Isabel Preysler, with whom he had three children (including Enrique). Just a little tid-bit… and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to listen to the “Tango” album.

I’m Hear About the Blow Job - A number of Dutch colleges are considering legal action against the publisher of a move-in guide for new freshmen, after the company included an ad recruiting students for jobs as online sex workers. The "Student Information Guide 2010-2011," which was handed out in recent weeks, included an ad offering the chance to earn money by engaging in sexual activities in front of webcams (oh yes, you can get paid for that). Leiden University said in a statement on its website that it had nothing to do with the guide, produced by Mediadam BV, and that it had filed a complaint with the company and was considering further action. Dutch news agency ANP reported on Tuesday that at least two other colleges have made complaints with Mediadam and are considering their options. A Mediadam director told ANP the company acknowledged it had made an error and that it had never stopped to think the guide could potentially be distributed to minors… because seriously, how many Doogie Howsers are there? The thing is… I sold my seed (cheaply) to the University of Utah when I went there to help make ends meet. If there was a way for me to make a little tuition money by shaking my moneymaker online for some creepy dude half the world away while I wear my Don Juan Demarco mask, I’d probably done it. If I were a hot Dutch coed, most definitely. Education ain’t free.

Lennon’s Crapper – Ever wonder where John Lennon thought of his timeless classic songs? Well, my theory… is what was just sold at auction, his toilet. Think about it… Rodin’s “Thinker” statue… is obviously a man on the John. It’s wear all of us greats do our best thinking. Oh yes. My incoherent ramblings would be the next great American novel if I kept my laptop in the bathroom… but with my new webcam, you ain’t getting that show for free. Alas, you get what I remember from my porcelain epiphanies. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon fetched 9,500 British pounds ($14,740) at auction on Saturday, around 10 times its estimate, the sale organizers said. Lennon, who was murdered in New York in 1980, had the porcelain lavatory removed from Tittenhurst Park in Berkshire, southern England, where he lived from 1969 to 1971, and replaced with a new one. The builders who took away the white and blue lavatory were told to "put some flowers in it or something," according to the auction catalog. Builder John Hancock (the other one) stored it in his shed for 40 years until he died recently and the lavatory was sent for sale, British media reports said. The toilet was among Beatles memorabilia sold at auction as part of the Beatle week festival in Liverpool, the group's native city in northwest England. The pre-auction estimate was 750 to 1,000 pounds. Anne-Marie Trace, who works at the Beatles Shop in Liverpool which organized the sale, said the high price paid had taken the organizers by surprise. "I think it's the most unusual item we've ever had in our auction," she told Reuters. The buyer was not identified but Trace said it was likely it was "going overseas." Seriously, it’s a toilet. Do you think that if Shakira sold one of her toilets that somebody would pay about a hundred times the original cost? Only one way to find out. Sell a toilet seat that has caressed your cheeks & donate the difference to your charity, Shakira. I know I’ve told you that idea before when we were partying in Miami but… this is just proof that not all of my ideas are crazy (like our beautiful children). So anyway, Lennon’s toilet sold for as much as Gretchen did. Go figure.

Frankenstein’s Mugshot - Ohio police say a Toby Keith fan named Forrest Frankenstein threatened them and beat his head against a partition in their cruiser after his arrest. The 39-year-old Frankenstein appeared Monday before a judge who asked why he "went crazy" at the Aug. 27 concert in Cincinnati. Frankenstein replied that he had been drinking and didn't really remember anything (we’ve all been there). Frankenstein, of Hamilton, is being held on $80,000 bond on counts of menacing, disorderly conduct and vandalism. Seriously, what else are you going to do at a Toby Keith concert? They never mentioned why Forrest threatened them. Did the police tell him to calm down and he flipped? Who knows? Who cares? Is his REAL name Forrest Frankenstein? That’s like a horror-porn name… along the lines of Dirk Dracula and the Polter-Gasm (I have screenplays if you’re interested). Did we already play the game with your porn name – where it’s your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on? I forget… but my porn name is Bogi Harrison. Pretty nice, right? What’s yours?

Anyway, that’ll do it for today. Have a pretty exciting time of vacation coming up so don’t be afraid if I miss a day or two (like you do anyway). Can’t wait to see “Machete” next week. All the reviews coming in say that it’s campy, bloody & horrible… which is exactly what I want to see. Have a great day everybody!!!

Always Lucky to Be Here

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Welcome to my 777th post on my blog. Not bad for just under three years...and how much ridiculous babbling I do...but hey, thanks for reading. Perhaps my future memoirs will be released in volume format. So…I don’t know if I’ve already told you about the drama…but my mom went to Thailand on Friday…just as sh*t got really crazy, like not just people leaving pools of blood in the street…but like riots & fatalities. Saturday morning, I’m reading this in the newspaper…and my mom’s showing up right in the middle of it…so I’m understandably worried. I start to freak a little bit…because that’s my mama. Well, after about an hour, I get a call from a number I don’t know…and it’s my mom. Apparently, she had gotten to the airport, told the cab driver where her hotel was, and the driver basically said, “Ugh…they started shooting about an hour ago, so I’m not going to downtown. I’ll take you to this other place though.” So long story short, she’s safe & sound in the resort area of Pattaya, about 100 miles from Bangkok…and probably having a massage after a day of riding elephants or something. I was so glad to hear that…and of course the next few hours I was calling people up to let them know that they were okay (because calling from Thailand is expensive). The rest of the day, I basically caught up on some errands, got ready for my road trip, worked out a few times and enjoyed the outdoors a bit since I knew it supposed to snow on Sunday.

Sunday, I woke up, went to workout, played some basketball, and about an hour into it…I pulled a muscle in my lower back. Not cool. This must be what it’s like to get old. My dad always warned me growing up that tall people have back problems, so stand up straight, bend at the knees, all that kind of stuff…but it still doesn’t protect against everything. I was actually just kinda bending over to grab a basketball for a little 7-year old girl who had let it roll away…and JOINK!!! Tossed it back to her, calmly stepped over to my stuff, grabbed my bag, irked as I lifted my legs up into Gretchen, and went home. The rest of the day, I was basically trying to rest it, keep it stretched out a bit, heat pads, all that stuff. Really not my favorite thing in the world. To top it off, Bubbles called from Vegas…and one of her friends from work (met her once, sweet funny girl in her twenties) passed away in a car accident…and she was obviously a little distraught. I tried my best to ease her (from 500+ miles away) but when I was trying to let her talk & let it all out, it just made her cry more…until after about five minutes, she said she’d call me back later. I’ve had a few friends pass in car accidents over the years & have been in a few close calls myself. In fact, about a dozen classmates back in high school…and there’s really not much you can say. Sure, you’ve got the clichés like “they’re in a better place” and “at least they went quickly” or some stupid sh*t like that…but really, what can you say? Remember the good times you had? That doesn’t help, just leads to more crying…which can be therapeutic…but it’s not exactly something you want to show to those you care about. Being vulnerable when you’ve spent your whole life being a Rock or something like that. I don’t know. I’m not the best person to speak to over the phone about stuff like this. I’m more of a great shoulder to cry on & a great listener…but when it comes to my input, just keep talking on your own & I’ll nod and/or shake my head and let you let it all out. My condolences to Bubbles & her friend’s family and friends. It’s truly tragic…and one of the top fears I had of moving to Vegas last year. Drive safe out there. We’d really miss you.

Sorry about all that moping & whining. It’s not my style…but that was my weekend. A lot of worry, pain & longing to help friends. I know it sounds horrible…but it wasn’t that bad. Besides, the Wingmans will be here in two days (recent events may change that though) and we’re gonna have a great time before I go off and have a great time of my own on Road Trip 2010. So in the meantime, here’s some news clippings that you might like…

Summer Movies Update – Well, it’s almost that time of year. The days are getting longer, the flowers are blooming, the birds & bees are engaging in interspecies erotica (or whatever that metaphor means) and that means that the summer movie season is almost here…and there are some good ones. Just to put them all out there so that you can schedule your activities accordingly, here’s a quick sum-up of the big ones:

Iron Man 2 – May 7th – This movie should be awesome. Robert Downey jr’s back…and add a sexy Scarlett Johansen and a badass Mickey Rourke…and you’ve got movie gold. My dad & brother want me to go see it with them when I visit so we’ll see if I have a movie review when I come back from Road Trip 2010.

Robin Hood – May 14th – Director Ridley Scott & Russell Crowe team up to see if they can bring some of that “Gladiator” magic to Sherwood Forest. From what I understand, it’s a more historically accurate depiction of the Robin Hood story…but it’s gonna be difficult to top “Men in Tights” in my opinion.

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time – May 28th – Jake Gyllenhall plays a Persian prince. This may be up there with Brad Pitt as “The Mexican” and Tom Cruise as “The Last Samurai” but it should be an entertaining, time-traveling adventure with Ali Baba swords.

Killers – June 4th - The honeymoon's over for newlyweds in this action comedy about a wife (Katherine Heigl) who learns her husband (Ashton Kutcher) is a hit man. And no, this is not “Mr & Mrs Smith” or the “The Whole Nine Yards” or anything like that…so don’t even try. This is completely different.

Splice – June 4th - Genetic researchers (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) create a sexy but dangerous hybrid out of human and animal DNA. I assume the human DNA they used was not Adrien Brody’s. There’s a lot finer quality out there.

The A-Team – June 11th – Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper & Jessica Biel headline this remake of the TV series about ex-Special Forces mercenaries for the good guys…fitting the age old paradigm for effective teams. Can you guess which of these is the Brains, Brawn, Looks, Wild Card & Useless Chick? The answers may surprise you.

The Karate Kid – June 11th – Jaden Smith is a kid in China, Jackie Chan is a maintenance man or something, you all know the story. No word on whether Elizabeth Shue will be in it, nor whether there is any fear in this dojo… “No sensei.”

Jonah Hex – June 18th – Josh Brolin is a badass disfigured gunslinger, John Malkovich is a Confederate bad guy with a horde of zombies at his command, and Megan Fox is really really hot and will probably be wearing a corset and blowing smoke from a steaming barrel at least once. Probably the easiest sell of a movie ever.

Knight & Day – June 25th – Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz are… who the hell cares?

Twilight Saga: Eclipse – June 30th – Double pass…

The Last Airbender – July 2nd – Director M. Night Shyamalan returns as he tells the story of the anime TV cartoon classic “Avatar” about a youth with mystical powers reuniting four warring nations. I don’t recall exactly why they couldn’t just name the movie “Avatar” but here’s the twist ending – Unobtainium.

Predators – July 9th – Adrien Brody heads a band of human warriors against the fiercest warriors in the universe. It’s brilliant. What better way to take down this race of hideous aliens than with a man who can walk among them as one of their own like Adrien Brody? HA!!! Okay, at this point, I want to apologize. That is twice now that I’ve criticized Mr. Brody’s looks…and he’s actually an inspiration to me. If that guy can crack the Top 10 sexiest men list, then there’s hope for a guy like me. All I need is to be presented an award by Megan Fox…and it’s on.

Inception – July 16th – Director Christopher Nolan (“Dark Knight” & “Prestige”) teams up with Leonardo DiCaprio in a story about a man who uses technology to enter people’s dreams and steal their ideas. Oh yeah. You know how I feel about dreams…plus throwing in a master storyteller like Nolan and…basically the Brando of our time, DiCaprio. Yeah, I’m excited about this one.

The Sorceror’s Apprentice – July 16th - Nicolas Cage reunites with "National Treasure" creators Bruckheimer and Jon Turteltaub, playing an ancient wizard who takes on a protégé (Jay Baruchel) in modern times to fight a scheming enemy. Could be good.

Salt – July 23rd – Angelina Jolie is a CIA agent out to prove her innocence after a defector announces her as a Russian spy. Angelina with guns, can’t really go wrong, right? Okay, “Wanted” was really bad…but I’m sure this will be better.

The Adjustment Bureau – July 30th – Matt Damon's a politician battling mysterious forces aiming to squelch his romance with a ballerina (Emily Blunt). I like that word “squelch” a lot. What’s that term, onomatopoeia? When a word is what it sounds like or something? Squish, splat, etc. What? Do you want me to comment about the movie? It’s a politician Matt Damon & a ballerina. What more is there to say? Is it a thriller? A romantic comedy? I don’t know. I don’t care. Why?

The Expendables – August 13th – THIS is why. Probably the movie I’m most excited for personally…because it’s just really the kind of action movie I like. Take all the big action stars of the past 30 years, put them into one movie, give them a South American jungle dictator to take out, leave the women & children at home. Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, the list goes on & on & on…and not to spoil it (because I already did a few months ago) but there’s apparently cameos by Bruce Willis & the Governator himself…so yeah, fun for all who love the 2nd amendment. Anyway, hope this proves helpful…

Marilyn Update - Just when you thought every last bit of Marilyn Monroe had been put up for auction, including the crypt above hers at a local cemetery, along comes the couch from her shrink's office. Darren Julien of Julien's Auctions says the psychiatric sofa will be offered June 26-27 during the Hollywood Legends auction at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino Las Vegas. Other Monroe-abilia up for grabs: her Chanel No. 5, personal photos, bank statements, scripts, signed checks and the chair used in the star's final photo shoot (not the Playboy spread). That’s great and all that somebody’s gonna make a buck off this and another’s going to have a piece of history…but what intrigues me…is what might’ve been spoken on that couch a half century ago. Everybody knows that Marilyn was the quintessential troubled Hollywood starlet – young, beautiful, confused, conflicted, affectionate, addicted, passionate, talented, manipulated, manipulating, but I often wonder if there was a friend or anyone that she felt she could truly confide in, release her inner most thoughts to, her concerns, her dreams, her goals, her heartaches, all of that mess that I assume a shrink is for when you don’t have a friend or family member to go to. Could there have been a way to help her? Or was it too late by that point & the damage was irreversible? Did she think about the future or just live in the moment? Did her past haunt her? Did she look back fondly on her parents? I don’t know. People just fascinate me. You can look at all the evidence, all the trinkets of their life, all the second-hand stories, but you never really know what was going through their mind at any given point or time. Seriously, I hate to say it, but even Hitler thought he was doing good. His thought patterns might’ve been completely out of whack…but behind just about every action, whether good or bad, is a reasoning. Why did she take the pills? Did she just want to end it all? Did she feel completely helpless? Was it an accident? Murder by the secret service? Was she just completely exhausted & that’s how everybody was coping? Miscalculation? Was she sad/angry at the time? What was she sad/angry about? How did she start taking pills? Who knows? But, I guess, if you want to own the couch that she might’ve confided some of the back-story into, then you’ve got a chance in June in sunny Las Vegas. Sorry, I think about weird things sometimes…and go off on rants…but you already know that.

Beatles Update – Remember how I made a big deal about Rock Band: The Beatles? Yeah, still haven’t played it. Didn’t seem like a great deal at the time…but it’ll probably be cheaper soon. Oh…and my Rock Band guitar is still broken. Word to the wise, don’t move all your earthly possession three times in a year to three different states. Anyway, enough about this…his is about John, Paul, George & Ringo. The Vatican has something to say to the Beatles – They’re sorry. No, this isn’t a story of a Liverpool priest, four trusting alter boys & a cover-up. The Vatican has just finally made peace with the Beatles, saying their drug use, "dissolute" lives and even the claim that the band was bigger than Jesus are all in the past — while their music lives on. Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the Fab Four in its weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band's album "Abbey Road." The tribute marked the 40th anniversary of the band's breakup. "It's true, they took drugs; swept up by their success, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives," said the paper. "They even said they were more famous than Jesus," it said, recalling John Lennon's 1966 comment that outraged many Catholics and others. "But, listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless. Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels." It is not the first time the Vatican has praised the legendary band from Liverpool. Two years ago, Vatican media hailed the Beatles' musical legacy on the 40th anniversary of the "White Album." And last month the Vatican paper included "Revolver" in its semiserious list of top-10 albums. Now, L'Osservatore says that the Beatles' songs have stood the test of time, and that the band remains "the longest-lasting, most consistent and representative phenomenon in the history of pop music." Giovanni Maria Vian, the editor in chief of L'Osservatore Romano, said Monday that he loves the Beatles. He said that at the time of Lennon's sensational statement, Osservatore "commented that in reality it wasn't that scandalous, because the fascination with Jesus was so great that it attracted these new heroes of the time." Congratulations boys…er rather, men. It’s true. Your music does stand the test of time. Now I’m thinking the Vatican may want to focus on other grudges.

Eat Your Veggies – Now for some more light-hearted fare, police say a Pennsylvania father went to his son's elementary school to retrieve nearly four ounces of marijuana from the kindergartner's Elmo backpack (Light Me Up Elmo?). State police say Ronald Washington called Menallen Elementary School in Uniontown on Thursday morning to ask if his son had arrived at school. Police say Washington told school officials he needed to fetch something from the boy's backpack, prompting school officials to search it. Police say school officials called to say they had found pot in the bag. Troopers were waiting to arrest Washington when he arrived shortly before 9 a.m. Online court records don't list an attorney for the 33-year-old Washington. He was unable to post $100,000 (seriously, who can?) and therefore jailed. Hmm, wonder what the kid’s up to now. Anyway, a thought I had was, what if the dad is innocent? Now, hear me out, I’m not a lawyer…but I would totally go with this scenario…and say prove beyond a reasonable doubt otherwise. Repeat after me, “There was WHAT in my son’s backpack? Four ounces? Jesus!!! I can’t believe my son’s a pot dealer. I just wanted to get my calculator that I let him borrow back.” “Do you expect us to believe that your son is selling & distributing marijuana?” “Do you think if it were mine, that I would’ve put FOUR OUNCES into my son’s backpack…of ALL places on God’s Green Earth? I’m sure that I don’t need to tell you this…but even if it’s schwag, that’s over $600. Why, of all the safe places in creation, would I have put that into my son’s backpack…knowing full well that he would take it to school? I should’ve seen all the warning signs. The late hours at ‘soccer practice’… Nobody plays soccer anymore. Always having the newest video games. If I weren’t so stoked that he wanted to play online with me, I probably would’ve wondered where he got the money from. Surely not from me. I’m a custodian.” Anyway, that’s the angle that I would go with. Free legal advice courtesy of Dr Love. Follow-up advice: Don’t drop the soap.

Just Cutting the Grass - Border authorities arrested a man trying to cross the border with two mowers stuffed with the type of grass not usually found in machinery. U.S. Customs and Border Protection arrested an unidentified Mexican man who tried to smuggle 53 pounds' worth of marijuana across the border on Friday (over 200 times what was in the kid’s Elmo bag). The man drove into the inspection station from Tijuana, Mexico, at about 5:30 AM (first clue) hauling the lawnmowers in his pickup. A dog alerted agents and a search turned up 21 packages of pot crammed inside the chassis of the mowers (not the bags). The driver was arrested and booked into San Diego county jail on suspicion of drug trafficking. If it weren’t for the dogs, they might’ve gotten away with it…but that’s why they have them. Just a little something to picture next time you’re out mowing the lawn. “Man, if this were pot, it’d be worth the hassle.” I hope to never go to jail for something like this…because I know I would be the guy in this next story.

One MAJOR Typo - A Thai man has been released from an Indonesian prison after spending three extra years behind bars because of a typo in his paperwork, a report said Friday. Kamjai Khong Thavorn, 53, should have been released in 2007 after serving a 20-year sentence for heroin possession but a clerical error wrongly stated his first year in prison as 1997 instead of 1987, the Jakarta Globe reported. Oops. It gets better. Kamjai was released Thursday only after he told Indonesia's justice minister of the mistake during a chance meeting on the minister's tour of the maximum security prison in Central Java. "We realized the mistake that was made, so he was released unconditionally," the prison's warden, Sutrisman, told the newspaper. Kamjai has been taken to the Thai Embassy in Jakarta, the warden said. Officials at the justice ministry and prison could not immediately be reached for comment Friday…as they are still looking into who to blame for this, I’m sure. How much would that suck? “Hey warden, I ugh…was just watching a little news on TV and ugh…it’s 2010.” “Ugh, yeah?” “Well, granted I’m no mathemagician or anything but…I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be out of here back in 2007.” “Not according to your paperwork.” “Dude, we’ve been buddies since I first came here back in ’87 and you were just the swing shift guard.” “True, you’re a cool cat…but I can’t let you out early.” “Well, I was only supposed to be here for twenty years…so 2007, right?” “Ye…yeah. I just had my 25th anniversary party and…huh, maybe we should have somebody look into that. But first things first, three lashes for making me think. Turn around.” It is an Indonesian prison. I thought I was stretching it by saying they had TV for the inmates.

Anyway, I guess that’ll do it for today. Keep an eye out for your favorite summer movies coming up. Iron Man 2, Jonah Hex, Predators & the Expendables are at the top of my list. Hopefully I can find somebody in the area who might wanna check out a few with me. You know…one of those girls out there who like comic books, Megan Fox & disfigured older men, badass alien hunters & a gang of aging mercenaries. There are baker’s dozens just standing in line for me, I’m sure of it. Have a great day everybody!!!

Please Visit Vegas

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


Happy Birthdays to Shaquille O'Neal (37), comedians D.L. Hughley (46) and Tom Arnold (50), former Washington DC Mayor / coke addict Marion Barry (73), Alan Greenspan (83), Ed McMahon (86…and hope you get better soon), and one of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo. No wait, my apologies, it's actually the great Italian artist Michelangelo…who if he were the Highlander would be 534 years young today. Happy birthday gentlemen!!!



Rock Band Update - Basically the Rock Band: The Beatles video game that I've mentioned a few times before now has a release date. That date is September 9th, 2009…or 9/9/09 for all you conspiracy theorists out there. "Ooooh, it's like 666 but upside down. The Beatles are the Four Horsemen. Paul is dead. I am the Walrus. It all adds up to 23. The cats are brown." You know who you are. That is all. Still haven't seen an official song list or anything…but can't wait.



TO Update - Speaking of can't wait, do you realize how excited I got when I heard that Terrell Owens was fired (with a healthy severance package) from the Dallas Cowboys? Let's just say it was a good thing that I was already sitting down for my morning deuce because I literally shat myself with excitement and glee…and a little pee too. Sure, he'll probably get another job in the NFL…but it'll probably be for a team that nobody cares about…with a rookie quarterback…like the Lions. Oh, how I hope the Lions sign him. That's the best thing. According to ESPN this morning, the only teams that are really interested are the 49ers and the Raiders, both who suck six ways to Sunday. Maybe he'll sign with the Raiders and get stabbed by a teammate…or a fan. Whatever, he's a douche…and with my luck he'll probably sign with the Broncos…but this is about football…and I know you don't want to hear about it…so I'll stop.



4 Year Old Wins Tropical Island - That's right. A 4-year-old boy has won the use of an uninhabited tropical island, with white sand beaches and clear turquoise waters, in a Taiwan lottery aimed at boosting spending during an economic downturn. Officials said Yeh Chien-wei, who won the prize at Thursday's draw, will get exclusive rights to the tiny plot in the Taiwan Strait from May through September. Penghu County, an offshore archipelago, will provide food, drinks, water and electricity to the boy. He has been quoted in local media saying he wants to play in the sea (possibly making a fish face while quoting these comments). "Penghu has a lot of islands, and that one has water and electricity, so someone can really enjoy it," said county economic promotion official Lu Yan-chang, explaining why use of the island, which also has a cabin, was offered as a prize. Counties elsewhere in Taiwan have offered cars, houses and other prizes to encourage locals to spend consumer vouchers worth T$3,600 ($103) that the government gave to every citizen in January to encourage spending to help boost the sagging economy. Penghu, which comprises 64 islands, is known for its beautiful beaches and water sports. The real catch is according to the terms of the prize, the boy and up to seven family members can visit the island five times, for trips that last a maximum of three days. Having your own private island resort for the summer would be sweet…as long you could make it out there five separate times…for only three days at a time. Still, not a bad win for a four-year-old. Maybe they should raise the gambling age in Taiwan though. I'm sure that there are a lot of kids there going without lunch because of their naivety that the School House always wins. "Should I double down for an extra serving of rice? Let's go for it. I'm feeling lucky."



Buy Some Busch, the Legal Way - Wanna buy an amusement park? Well, Busch Entertainment Corporation, the parent company of Sea World Orlando, Busch Gardens in Tampa and 8 other theme parks around the country are looking to auction them off. Since beer behemoth Anheuser-Busch's merger this last year, they've been looking to sell at least $7 billion in assets this year…and these parks are the first to go. Already, representatives for Merlin Entertainments Group, a British amusement-park operator, have discussed a potential bid with Anheuser-Busch InBev. Experts (or so they call themselves) say this could be a deal worth somewhere between $2 billion to $5 billion (quite a range there). For those who don't know, Merlin currently owns Legolands in four countries, the 440-foot London Eye Ferris Wheel and a 50% stake in Universal Orlando. So you may have some competition if you're looking to buy an amusement park…but if you have the capital, I say go for it. Now is the time to buy, right?



Vegas Update - Sadly, Vegas is pretty much clinging to the rim of the bowl as a whirlpool of financial currents suck it down a black hole. In the past few days, despite the super cool idea of a monorail from there to Disneyland (which may or may not be based on truth), the planned $890 million revamp of the world's largest convention center has been shelved and MGM Mirage, the Strip's largest casino operator, after already letting thousands of employees go this year, is looking for the final $1.2 billion to finish up that massive $9.1 billion CityCenter development in the heart of the Strip after discussions with Deutsche Bank fell apart on Wednesday (maybe if they had a David Hasselhoff Museum, they'd reconsider). This is just the latest of woes for the great city of excess…but as always, I have a solution. EVERYBODY PLAN A TRIP TO VEGAS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE…and most importantly, GO THERE!!!



Now is the time. With some of the best deals in a loooong time on premiere hotel stays, airline tickets, gas prices, even special event pricing and all the usual comps and free shows and free drinks and competition between the properties, if you're ever looking for a time to see the glittering lights of the Strip, the largest and most elaborate hotels, some of the finest restaurants and shopping anywhere in the world, even the warm beautiful weather of the Spring and the crisp cool air conditioning of the Summer, golf at some of the most beautiful resorts in the world, see the engineering marvels across the city or even jaunt out to the Hoover Dam & the new bridge they're building out there, basically it'd be foolish not to go visit Vegas now…and often. Are you concerned about the money involved? Think you can't find a great deal? Let me know and I'll hook you up. It's actually quite easy…and who knows, you may get to see me down there too. Win-win, baby. Don't gamble? Don’t care. There's much more to do there than gambling…but who knows, you may hit it big too. God knows I like doing the cheap roulette wheels for a few hours and let a lovely lady in a corset bring me high-point Heinekens and/or Long Islands on the house. Anyway, Vegas needs your help…and for the cost of pennies a day…you can save up for an incredible, exciting and romantic weekend in America's Great Oasis - Las Vegas, Nevada - "The City of Lights & Entertainment Capital of the World"



Did that motivate ya? Well, I thought I'd give it a shot. Even though I don't live there, I still love that place like a fat kid loves cake. Mmm moist, delicious cake. I don't want to see it become a ghost town. Oh my, can you imagine? The city's completely evacuated except for a few homes in Henderson to monitor the Dam…and it's totally like "Resident Evil: Extinction" but without the zombies…or maybe just a few? People take road trips out there to see the Old West. "To your right, you'll see one of the former favorite watering holes of this town, the Mirage. Where the legendary beastmasters Sigmund and his wife Joy used to entertain the local mobsters and gunslingers with magic tricks, tigers and even dragons. Across the street, you'll see the famed Planet Hollywood laboratory…which was actually constructed as a robotic research facility by one of the owners of Planet Hollywood…who himself was actually a cyborg…and governor of California. This explains why they kept a sterile (non-smoking) environment within a casino…which was an absolutely ridiculous proposition during its time…and why it was one of the last large scale projects to be built here…before the great Monorail Disney Zombie Disaster of 2012 predicted by philosophers Nostradamus…and the great Doctor Mookie Tockenbaut Love, who is currently Lord Sovereign of these United States." It could happen. Sometimes history gets embellished over the years. Anyway, together we can save Sin City!!!



I think I'll end today's note on that fiery revolutionary war cry. Not much else to report…other than I'm basically my brother's only friend…and with his divorce & adoption of my niece in a state of many questions, he feels obligated to ask me. I'm glad to be there for him. Luckily I was able to distract him last night from rambling on about the same stuff with his marriage over & over again and dwelling on it with "Holy crap, change it to the Discovery Channel. There's this show Road Rampage and these accidents are f**king wicked. OH!!! This lady just drove into a bus stop. Cheese & rice!!!" Nothing distracts from emotional baggage more than high speed chases with brutal conclusions. Have a great day everybody!!!