Salamanders & Marquis de Sade

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The weekend is officially here. Snow is flurrying about. So what does $teve have planned? The past few weekends have been painting the town red with my mom, a quick trip out to San Francisco and last week was…well, cleaning up the apartment & watching basketball mostly. So this weekend… I have no idea. It’s Easter Weekend, so I’ll be cooking up some tasty grub Sunday morning so the roommate & I can have simultaneous cardiac arrests due to the copious amounts of deviled eggs & bacon in our system…but as for tomorrow, I don’t know. Weather permitting, maybe go find a nice trail somewhere, go for a hike. Start finalizing plans for Road Trip 2010. Maybe sleep in, sit on my ass & do nothing…except work out or something. I get really antsy & can’t just sit or lie down for an entire day. It’s been proven. Just ask my former girlfriends, I’m insatiable. So we’ll see. May be pretty laid back, may be adventurous, may be boring as all hell…but one thing’s for sure, deviled eggs and bacon and…mmm, pancakes will be involved. Oooh…and steak & eggs. If you don’t hear from me soon, you’ll know why. And on that note, here’s the news…

Lucky Sevens - The Pennsylvania Lottery proved to be seventh heaven for thousands of lottery players this week. The lottery paid out a total of $7.77 million after the number 7-7-7-7 came up in the Big 4 drawing Wednesday. More than 3,100 tickets had the winning numbers. They won either $2,500 or $5,000, depending on whether the buyer wagered 50 cents or $1. That set of numbers has only been a winner twice since 1980. The last set of quadruple numbers to win was 2-2-2-2 in September 2008. How cool is that? What’re the odds? (One in a thousand) I know a few people who could use that $5,000 right about now. Yeah, that’s pretty much it though. The lottery’s probably not the best place to invest your money…but hey, it does pay out to a few lucky individuals.

Salamander Crossing - Future generations of salamanders in one Vermont town are going to be getting some help crossing the road. Yes, there are salamanders in Vermont. The Monkton Conservation Commission says it has won a $150,000 state grant to install one or two culverts under a stretch of road to protect salamanders, other amphibians, reptiles and small mammals crossing between a swampy area and the uplands. The Burlington Free Press says the project will be the first wildlife-crossing retrofit of a Vermont highway. Reptile expert Jim Andrews says the crossing is "one of the most important of the known amphibian crossings in the state." For the last nine years a group of Monkton residents has monitored the swamp-side road crossing, in some cases helping the creatures cross the road. Oh yeah, it’s THAT important. So they got a $150,000 grant to burrow a tunnel under a freeway that may or may not provide safe crossing for an amphibious cave-dwelling creature…and the town probably doesn’t even have a traffic light. Why when I ask my congressman for $50 to fill up my gas tank because “I said so” do they give me so much flack? Maybe if I asked for $500,000 to preserve the habitat of the Kwyjibo, the North American Land Ape, he or she would be a little more giving. I could even name the habitat after them if it’ll help with the paperwork. I’ll let you now how it goes. “Have you been conducting research of this creature?” “Sir, I’ve been living amongst them, learning their various forms of communication, mostly grunts & gestures, seeing the kinds of community that they form, and I just want to make sure that they have a safe haven when the bitter winters come in. For God’s sake, I’ve even wiped their asses. I’m dedicated to their preservation.” “I admire your passion. Let me write you a check, Mister…” “Cash, Doctor Cash…and I think you forgot a zero there.”

Monopoly of Snack Foods - Atlantic City police said a Frito-Lay delivery truck was stolen, abandoned and recovered, but not before some people helped themselves to "free" snacks. Police Sgt. Monica McMenamin (say that three times fast) said the truck was stolen at about 10:45 a.m. Thursday when the driver went inside a store on Baltic Avenue, four blocks west of the Boardwalk casinos, to make a delivery. When officers found the truck abandoned a short time later on nearby Maryland Avenue, people were running off carrying bags of chips. Police arrested several looters, but have not yet located the person who stole the truck. And yes, in case you were wondering, the streets in the game Monopoly are named after the streets in Atlantic City. It’s not just coincidence…and I’m pretty sure that’s why all the streets involved were mentioned…because you never read reports like in…say Utah where “the van was stolen on 4500 South near State Street and then found abandoned on Vine Lane” because nobody cares. However, if they know the truck was abandoned on a street with a hotel, BOOM!!! Pay me. See? Nothing like fun with board games & potato chips.

Fish-slapped!!! - Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man paid for the sandwich at the first window at the restaurant on Route 1 in South Brunswick early Sunday. Surveillance video obtained by WNBC-TV in New York shows the man climbed out the back window of a vehicle and into the pickup window. Police said the man told an employee he would be waiting for him, slapped him in the face and walked out of the store with the sandwich. I must see this video. What kind of an impatient douche climbs out of the back window of his buddy’s car, goes through the drive-thru window (which isn’t that large) and fish-slaps somebody over a Filet-O-Fish sandwich…or more specifically, a deep fried lump of something that smells like fish sandwich? I’m sorry that you’re drunk sir…but it still takes a full minute to microwave when it’s frozen and you show up at 3 AM after an all-night bender. “I’ll be waiting for you out in the parking lot.” “Good, because before the cops show up, I’m going to blind you with my special sauce, beat the f**k out of you & then fish-slap your girlfriend Snookie over there too. Don’t you know you’re not supposed to feed that thing after midnight?” Oh yeah, I pull out the 80’s movie references when I’m about to get into a fight…because right about the time, you see the confused look on their face because they were born in 1989, that’s when George McFly’s right hook comes flying in followed by a wicked crane kick. And forget a one-liner like “Yippee ki-yay, mother f**ker” or “You’re terminated” or something like that, I’m going with “Goonies never say die” or “I hate Tommy Lasorda” or some sh*t like that. Why? Because when his friends drive him home and he’s swearing up a storm, he’ll think to himself, “Did I just get f**ked up by somebody who quoted Fletch? Oh sh*t, I just got that Gremlins reference. Hahaha, yeah… she is f**king ugly.” Because the way I figure it, if you’re going to teach them a lesson, make ‘em laugh too.

Political Stuff – Okay, you know I don’t talk about politics much…but you’ll soon see, this has very little to do with politics. A scandal broke Monday, when conservative Web site The Daily Caller reviewed recent RNC filings with the Federal Elections Committee and discovered that the RNC had spent $1,946 on an edgy sexually themed Hollywood nightclub called Voyeur. The February expenditure documents also showed that the committee sprang for $17,000 in chartered plane fees and $12,000 in limousine expenses in February — and according to The Daily Caller, Steele had suggested that the committee bankroll a private jet for him. Why not, right? On Tuesday, the RNC announced that it had fired the staffer who’d put in the Voyeur expense (of course, take out the little guy) which was a reimbursement to a California donor named Erik Brown and that Brown was returning the Voyeur-related money to the RNC so that, in financial terms at least, it would be as though the whole thing had never happened (so there). A statement from RNC Chief of Staff Ken McKay on the dismissal of the staffer underlined that the bondage-club outing “was not an RNC-sanctioned event.” Instead, McKay explained, it took place at the behest of a group of prospective young donors — called the Young Eagles in RNC parlance — after a dinner at a pricey Hollywood restaurant. (Hotline OnCall reports that the dismissed staffer was Allison Meyers, the director of the under-45 Young Eagles donor initiative. Oh yes, it was a woman they fired because of this.) “At no time was Chairman Steele … or any other member of the senior staff aware of the purpose of this reimbursement or present at the after-hours non-official get-together,” McKay's statement said. (Even so, Brown remains a close friend of Steele, having alluded to outings with the RNC chairman in his Twitter feed, and RNC-related postings on his Facebook page. And an AP report notes that Brown has billed some $19,000 in business from the committee to his firm, Dynamic marketing, Inc., while donating several thousand in funds to the RNC.) Though RNC spokesman Doug Heye told Yahoo! News that McKay’s announcement “ends the story for us,” plenty of questions linger about Steele’s tenure at the RNC, and his ability to hang onto his post amid growing criticism of RNC expenditures. However, that’s not what’s important or why I’m bringing it up. It’s not that in a month they’ve spent my yearly wages on private jets & limousines just as billable expenses. Nor is it that their solution to being caught is just to give the money back to Mr. Brown and immediately fire a woman…though that is supremely dickish…though she probably didn’t follow the procedure to list it as an Other expense or a Restaurant expense if they served drinks there or something. No. That doesn’t really concern me or affect my life…because I know that a lot of politicians are corrupt dicks and I’ve adjusted accordingly. The main thing that I took away from this…is that there’s a sexy bondage themed nightclub that’s waiting for me in Hollywood when I go to visit in a few weeks. I’m sure Lilie would be overjoyed to go with me. “It’s a nightclub.” “Sounds great. Is there a dress code?” “Ugh… no? I think it’s provided for you. It’s a place where a lot of young up-and-comers in the political game go to unwind. Very low key. Great unique atmosphere from what I’m told.” “(Looks at me for a second) You’re taking me to a fetish club, aren’t you?” “No… it’s a themed nightclub.” “What’s the theme then?” “Sigh… bondage, painful pleasures and sadomasochism.” “So I should wear my leather outfit then?” “Absolutely…and the safe word is Salamander.” Don’t let the fact that she doesn’t drink lead you to believe that she wouldn’t have a freaky side. Anyway, she probably just read this whole thing…so it won’t be a surprise anymore. And Kyle, don’t worry. She’s safe. Salamander.

I guess that’ll do it for today. I’ll leave you with the image of me draped in skin-tight leather with a redhead and a Brazilian woman beating me mercilessly and calling me a maggot…as I charge it all to the RNC. The Final Four is this weekend…and I kinda want to see Butler win it all…just because. I mean…they’re the home team…and the underdog, right? Eh, we’ll see. Have a safe & wonderful Zombie Jesus Day everybody!!!

Friday Night Fights

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Friday night after work, was Fight Night!!! Remember my friend Angel? I think I mentioned her once or twice. Well, her husband is a mixed martial arts fighter with UCE, which is kinda the semi-pro of UFC...and by semi-pro I mean I think he makes about $50 per fight...but hey, it's fighting and these guys really train for this stuff...and it's about as close to underground Muay Thai kickboxing as I'm going to get in Utah...and just a block from my house. Angel hooked me up with the VIP treatment and I actually sat with some of her family, meeting them for the first time. Also, the seats were perfect for me...directly between the cage...and the bar...and the waitresses were HOT and wearing corsets so...yeah, good times. Though the five fights were under four minutes of action COMBINED, it was still a lot of fun. Highlight of the night: Angel stepping into the ring for the big glove girlfight. Here are some pictures...

"Wanna free T-shirt?"

The REAL Main Event

"You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup"

"I'LL EAT YOUR BABIES, B**CH!!!"

Catfights - Everybody's a Winner

Slammin' Dan wins once again

After that, I went to hang with my brother because...well, as you know, his wife is a complete (expletive) and leaving (again) but, fingers crossed, this time it may actually stick. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say...because you know how much I wanted it to work out for the kids...and how big of a fan of Love that I am...but there just comes a point in some relationships where you just realize that you have to call it off. Obviously they're still going to be around each other whether they want to or not for the next twenty years minimum because of the kids...but hopefully this will allow them both to move on. Anyway, long story short, I basically spent all day Saturday with him, helping him to pack up her stuff so that she could come & pick it up quickly and be gone. Nothing really out of the ordinary other than my brother was taking it a little hard...and combined with my mom being...well, my mom and not being able to keep her mouth shut for more than three seconds...that led to a few snaps of loud conversation...but hey, that's what family's for. To consistently remind you of your mistakes so that you don't repeat them. That...is what a family's for, right? Right? Anyway, yesterday kinda sucked...but whatever. Hopefully she stays out.

Today, I went to see "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" with my dad...and it was okay. Exactly what you would expect from a movie based on an 80's cartoon. Not too concerned with plot or the laws of physics or anything...but a lot of action, eye candy and throwbacks to what made it likeable as a cartoon...just with real life grownups playing the parts...like my doppleganger Dennis Quaid. I don't really have much to say about this movie other than...it is exactly what you would expect...but still pretty good to check out if action movies are your thing. I know this isn't exactly a spoiler...but they're already planning the sequels. Now here's the news...

Chinese Basketball Controversy - A bizarre row over a player's height caused a Chinese basketball game to be abandoned and sparked violent scenes that left several cars destroyed in Guangdong earlier this week, local media reported Thursday. The Dream Basketball League was set up to allow players of "shorter" stature to compete on a level playing field, with a height limit of 6 feet-2 inches (1.88m) imposed. Basketball players are some of the tallest athletes in sport and China's own Yao Ming measures 7-foot-6 (which is still funny to me that the tallest guy in the NBA is from China). However, trouble was brewing when Huizhou Qiaoxing signed Chinese Basketball Association player and three-time national 'slam dunk' champion Hu Guang, even though his official CBA profile lists him as 1.95m (a towering 6-foot-4). Huizhou's opponents in a game scheduled for Monday, Shenzhen Kuruite, refused to take to the court unless he was measured but league organizers refused. Shenzhen forfeited the game but kept up their complaints the following day and the league finally agreed to take the tape to the 27-year-old forward. "Hu bowed his shoulders and bent his neck back," Shenzhen player Wang Tiecheng told local newspaper the Daily Sunshine. "The first result was 186.5cm, the second time was 187cm." League officials, who admitted they had "limited ability and technique in measuring," nevertheless declared Hu eligible for Tuesday's "monthly final" against Zheshang Bank. Furious Shenzhen fans disrupted the final by continually chanting: "Unfair, Too tall! (in Mandarin, I assume)" and the game, which was being broadcast live on television, was abandoned at halftime. Other spectators, upset that the game had been stopped, then smashed up five cars with Shenzhen number plates outside the Dongguan's Huangyong Arena, the Guangzhou Daily reported. See? Philly fans aren't the only ones passionate about the sport. This actually contradicts one stereotype that I had, even though I spent a month in China. I was absolutely certain that they were strict sticklers when it came to the rules. That's why when I watch the Olympics, I don't mind that some of the judging seems fixed or care how the athletes are trained from birth for one purpose...and that's to do a triple lutz or an iron cross on the rings or whatever or what kind of performance enhancing drugs they're being doped up with or how old or young they are or whatever...because I had a feeling deep down in my heart...that if they didn't do well, they'd probably be executed. Now, it may not be that extreme. Maybe it's just sort of an exile into the desolate high plateaus or something...but I always thought there were strict consequences for breaking the rules...but apparently when it's merely a national league for the "vertically challenged" then the rules are about as flexible as one of their acrobats (and believe me, they are flexible). It's somewhat reassuring.

Curvy Girls Are Hot - Crystal Renn was miserable as a super-thin model who had heart palpitations when she'd worry that there might be calories in Diet Coke. Her moment of epiphany came when "I couldn't walk another step without being exhausted, or having hair clumps falling out." She knew she needed to live in the body she was supposed to have...specifically a sultry, curvy size 12. In a new memoir "Hungry," Renn, now a plus-size model, exposes her struggles with weight, health and self-esteem, fueled by the industry she says she still loves. That is, she loves it now that she has been accepted by the fashion world. "I got to my lowest point, when I couldn't go lower, and it was either, `I'm going to die and not accomplish the dream,' or, `I can become a plus-size model and keep the dream,'" she said in an interview. "I am healthy now, the healthiest I've ever been in my life — both physically and mentally." Writing "Hungry" with Marjorie Ingall for Simon & Schuster was an important part of the healing process, said the 23-year-old Renn. She had told her story before, but always in a quick hit for some magazine celebrating the novelty of an hourglass shape on its pages. The book is her attempt to move the needle on how people — everyone from wide-eyed young girls to jaded fashion insiders — perceive beauty. "I'd like to see everyone take on the attitude that there are women of all different shapes and sizes as `the beauty ideal,' and that it's not one type or another. There are women who are naturally a size 2 — you can't forget them, and that's discrimination the other way. All women bring something different to the table and we have to appreciate them all." Some in the fashion, modeling and magazine industries have been receptive to the idea, she said, noting that she's still working with her fuller figure in Vogue, Glamour, on the runway with Jean Paul Gaultier and in ads for Dolce & Gabbana. It's often not the typical "pretty girl" who makes the biggest splash anyway, she said, explaining that when a modeling scout first laid eyes on her as a chubby cheerleader, he was the only person other than her mother who said she was beautiful (Really? Really, ladies?). Still, Renn is not ready to declare that runways will be filled with curvy types anytime soon (unfortunately). "I believe there is a cycle to everything — Wall Street, the housing market, and modeling, too. Back in the Victorian days, it was all about a full figure, in the '50s, it was about the boobs (still is), in the '80s it was shoulders and in the '90s it was waifs (wait, isn't a waif like a starving vagabond?). It can only go up from here." Fashion alone isn't to blame for the idea of carbon-copy beauty, nor is it to blame for all the girls out there with eating disorders, Renn said (the Media helps). But she added that fashion does help create the lens through which others, like the chubby cheerleader she was in Clinton, Mississippi, see themselves. In hindsight, however, she cringes at her early modeling photos, as she focuses on the graying skin and lifeless eyes. Once she joined the "12+" group at Ford Models, Renn said she finally started seeing images of the young woman she knew she was meant to be. (On the day she decided to switch gears of her career, she celebrated with a salad with salmon and nuts on it. It was, she wrote, a really big deal.) Renn has taken her mind off 24-7 dieting and is more involved in the lives of her friends and family, she said. Flashes of fears about her thighs — the bane of her skinny-model time of her life — still cross her mind, but she has learned to get over them quickly: She'll find her "positives" to distract her. "I love my cheekbones. I highlight them," she said. "I also love my eyebrows. I have good thick healthy hair — and that shows how far I've come."

I love these stories. Women who know they're beautiful. I wish there were more stories like them...or rather, more women like Crystal. Ladies, you're beautiful. If you ever need reassurance, give me a call, leave me a text, write me an email, hit me up on Facebook, stop by the crib, leave a comment, visit me in a dream, do whatever you need to do to get a hold of me (not difficult at all) and I'll do whatever I can to let you know...that I think you're beautiful...and hopefully it'll convince you of the same. Believe me, one of my dreams is to somehow, someway convince all of you ladies out there of just how incredible you all are...so you would be helping me to achieve my dream. You are doing me a favor...by allowing me to shine upon you your own radiance. Just keep that in mind the next time you're feeling down or glancing in the mirror and think something that is just ridiculous. Put me on your speed dial under #69 and use in cases of even mild emergency. Satisfaction guaranteed. I even make house calls.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I hope that you're all having a magnificent weekend before starting the grind at work again. Keep this in mind though. Next weekend is LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! So you have that to look forward to. Get the grill ready for a barbecue, put a few dozen cold ones in the fridge and get ready for this last hoo-hah of summer. First and foremost though, have a great night everybody!!!