Cleandix

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

Well, since last time when I got you caught up on the week with Jackie D, here are a few movies that I watched last week that you may be interested in checking out… or not…

 

First up was “ParaNorman” which is a CGI kids flick from about a year ago I think… but it’s on Netflix now. The story is about a boy named Norman who lives in a city that was cursed by a witch a few hundred years ago… and long story short, he accidentally raises the dead & now zombies are walking the streets. Basically, if you like “Shrek” & “Toy Story” and all those flicks, you’ll probably like this. I’m a kid at heart so I enjoyed it… even though it really wasn’t too memorable other than one of the last lines of the movie – “My boyfriend loves cutesy things like this.”

 

Next up was a documentary called “That Guy… Who Was In That Thing” that was a compilation of interviews from 16 actors who you probably recognize if you saw them… but probably not by name… and basically their respective stories of how they came to be actors, the audition process, experiences in the movie industry, typecasting, and the triumphs & hardships of the life they have chosen. I found it very interesting & being a bit of a movie nerd I kind of knew some things about the process but it was very intriguing to watch. I highly recommend this film for anybody who’s thinking about being an actor… whether to discourage them or just to prepare them for what their goal entails.

 

Next up was a documentary called “Cleanflix” about something that I kind of experienced firsthand while in Utah, the meteoric rise & controversy of Cleanflix & other companies that made “clean” versions of Hollywood movies. Basically, in the early 2000’s, a video store near Provo, Utah made doctored versions of movies that took out violence, sex, vulgar language, drug use & other adult situations and content that many of the customers in their area (Mormons) either couldn’t see because of their beliefs or just didn’t care to see. Thus turning an R-rated movie like “Schindler’s List” or “Saving Private Ryan” into a more palatable PG or at least PG-13 version… and the movie stores were able to sell for a modest fee… and business was BOOMING!!! Well, of course, once Hollywood found out… they stepped in & said they were pirating, destroying their product, copyright infringement & all that… leading to court orders to cease & desist. Well, some of them didn’t… and the battle went on from there. The movie was pretty good… and not gonna lie, it made me a little homesick… at least until they interviewed some of the people & then I remembered why I don’t want to live there. Check it out.

 

Here’s the thing about this movie… as a business man… my question is why the f**k didn’t Hollywood see this as an opportunity? I mean… yeah sure, cease & desist for anybody selling your product without giving you your cut but… if the consumer (in this case, the relatively small demographic of only a few MILLION Mormons across the globe) is saying “Hey, we want to see your movies… especially the ones that we hear about all the time like the Matrix, the Spielberg & Tarantino movies, the action flicks with the big cars & jets and all that… but we just don’t want to have to see torture porn & hear Samuel L. Jackson talks about people who have sex with mothers in a derogatory way. Isn’t there a way that we could do that?” I would think CHA-CHING!!! About a week later I’m setting up my own site for requested DVDs that can be made for not only Mormon eyes… but maybe you’re okay with the love scenes… but just don’t want the gore & blood… or you’re okay with the fight scenes, but just don’t want to hear them swearing during the dialogues. I know, right? “I realize you have to fight to defend your family, but be a gentleman about it for f**k’s sake.” It seems like once the backlog is caught up from past releases, you pretty much already have the system in place for new releases (on the Blu Ray version only of course) and then BOOM!!! You’re riding a Bentley to work like a f**king mogul!!! See, this is why I don’t understand how I’m working a 9-5. I need to get some startup capital and start my conglomerate.

  
 

Next up was a documentary called “Being Elmo” that chronicled the life of Kevin Clash, the puppeteer behind Elmo & many other creations throughout the years. Kevin grew up in Baltimore, Maryland in the 1960’s and from a very young age he knew what he wanted to do… he wanted to be a puppeteer. Even as a child he built his own puppets, developed shows & background stories, and basically by the time that he was a teenager, he was already brought on board programs like Captain Kangaroo & the Great Space Coaster… and then eventually into the Muppet Show & Sesame Street. It’s actually a pretty incredible tale about a man who has an overriding passion to do what he does every day. It felt a lot like “Jiro Dreams of Sushi” but with puppets instead of sushi. It’s an incredible tale & I hope that you’ve all seen it already. My only major problem with it… was that it was narrated by Whoopi Goldberg… and it was awfully distracting because she wasn’t particularly good with it. I’m not saying that it should have been narrated by Morgan Freeman or Oprah or anything but… just not Whoopi. Sorry. Ooh… Fun fact, Kevin Clash was also the voice of Splinter in the TMNT live action movies of the early 90’s. You’re welcome…

 

Lastly, I leave you with the 80’s masterpiece that is “Over the Top” starring Sylvester Stallone & Robert Loggia. Sly stars as Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver who surprisingly picks up his estranged son (maybe 10-12 years old) from military school to drive him across the country to meet up with his mother (dying of cancer or something) & the rest of the wealthy family that raised him. Along the way, two things become clear, one… his son is kind of an arrogant prick… but a little fatherly advise helped with that… a little bit. Secondly, maybe I just didn’t get it. Okay, the character Lincoln Hawk had a relationship with this woman of financial means… they have a child… and then he disappears, presumably because the father didn’t want him around & all that jazz, whatever. Now that the mother is dying… she wants him & his son to hit it off or something… and the father/grandfather (Robert Loggia by the way) doesn’t want that to happen because… well, he’s a f**king truck driver who hasn’t been around for over a decade while the boy was being raised. I can see that. Furthermore, I haven’t even mentioned that Lincoln is also one of the greatest arm wrestlers in the world. Why? Because it really doesn’t matter in all honesty. Okay, so… spoiler alert, the mother dies just before they meet up with her, the son blames Lincoln for not driving fast enough or something, runs off to his grandpa (who raised him & lives in a f**king mansion so… yeah) & Lincoln walks away. But wait, he wants to have a relationship with his son… so what does he do? He goes to see him at the mansion… and drives his truck (his livelihood by the way) through the front gate, through a giant fountain, through the porte cochere & into the foyer of this mansion. Okay so… you’re going to jail, whether he presses charges or not… for destruction of property, reckless driving, attempted vehicular manslaughter, whatever all of the above… also, you just wrecked your $200,000 truck that I’m guessing you’re leasing from somewhere or still making payments on… and also, I don’t know of anybody who’s going to go “Wow, dad just drove his semi into the front room, I guess that means that he loves me… or that he’s bat sh*t crazy.” It’s the latter. So then… Lincoln’s in jail (gasp) & basically the grandpa says leave us be & you won’t rot in jail, the kid’s like “Dad, what the f**k?” but he gets out of jail in time to go to the arm wrestling championships & make it all right… if he can win.

 

Okay… that’s just what I kind of have wrong with this movie up through Act 2… and there’s plenty more that I haven’t brought up, just I feel like I have to have you watching it with me, otherwise all is lost. Act 3 is full or crazy stuff too but… anyway, the movie is pretty horrible… but laughably so. Perhaps I’ll have to do some kind of Adam Carolla inspired “Basic Cable Commentary” for this flick one day because… well, Dizzy seems to think that my blog is pretty amazing (despite viewership being on the low side) and perhaps the way to go is with an accompanying podcast as well. So keep an eye open for that…

 

Also, big news... I'm going to be visiting Utah in July!!! There will be hanging with family... as well as former coworkers kind of having a nice reunion where there will be barbecue & beer & reminiscing about the good ol' days I'm sure. I'm really excited about it... and Dizzy is too because she's going to along for the ride. We're also trying out Allegiant Airlines for the first time. I'm a little curious how that's going to turn out... but we shall see.

 

Anyway, that'll do it for this entry. Have a great weekend everybody!!!

Scent of the Corpse Flower

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I decided to head to Incline Village to play some pick-up basketball…because it had been a while…and I didn’t really have anything else to do. See, every Wednesday night, it’s allegedly an open gym where usually a dozen or so guys (and maybe a few lucky gals) meet up to play some ball. Now, not being a resident of Incline Village, I had to pay a fee to get in…but hey, as long as the games are good, I’m down. I walk onto the basketball court…and half the court is set up like a f**king carnival. I’m not joking. Like one of those giant bouncing cages, that thing where you race climbing a horizontal rope ladder, all that crazy stuff. However, on the other half were a few guys shooting hoops, so we got a 4-on-4 game going for…about a half hour. Then a swarm of preteens come onto the court to…well, stand around. So that kinda cancelled our game because there simply wasn’t enough room to do anything…and preteen kids are f**king idiots and don’t understand the concept of “If you stand there, you’re gonna get ran over. I’m bigger than you. I was here first. Go read a f**king book!” I really wasn’t that bitter…but only because I got a comp pass to go back there another time. Got to meet a few cool cats and play some ball for free. Can’t hate on that. Anyway, that was really it last night. Here’s some news…

Raise the Drawbridge - Radical Russian artists have painted a giant protest penis on a drawbridge in central St. Petersburg ahead of a meeting that is the Russian answer to the World Economic Forum, police said on Wednesday. Measuring 65 meters (220 ft) long and 27 meters across, the light-colored phallus rises and glistens against the imperial-era capital's elegant skyline when the bridge is drawn up to let ships pass in the twilit northern summer nights. Politically minded art collective Voina, or War (“Huh, what iiiiis it good for? Absolutely nothing”), said they drew the graffiti on Monday to protest the heightened security measures expected at the International Economic Forum, held from June 17 in Saint Petersburg, the hometown of both Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Unsanctioned political art or public messages in the form of graffiti and painting are extremely rare in Russia. "We have painted a giant phallus to show what the FSB and Interior Ministry are doing in terms of security for the forum," Voina said in a statement. The FSB is Russia's main internal security agency. When the bridge is opened, the erect-looking penis stands beside the local headquarters of the FSB, successor to the KGB. The forum will draw international business leaders and will be attended by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. St. Petersburg is the hometown of both Medvedev and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, a former KGB officer and FSB chief. The phallus was still visible on Wednesday, when one of the artists was fined by police, a spokesman said. Voina became a household name in the Russian blogger scene two years ago when they filmed five couples having sex a day before Russia's last presidential election. The stunt was seen as a wry pun on the handover of power. That’s it. I just don’t get modern art. By the way, are you aware that there were probably hundreds of publicly sold films of people (usually couples) having sex made the day before our last presidential election? Don’t think it really affected anything with Obama getting elected (or did it?). I like the giant penis bridge thing. Then again, I can understand why the FSB might be pissed. If some “artist” painted a giant cock on my Jeep or some other property of mine, depending on how well it captures my girth, I might be pissed about it too. Heck, most of our monuments and skyscrapers are just shiny phallic symbols anyway. It’s been that way since ancient times. Obelisk? I’m sure that’s Egyptian for “Boomstick.” Can’t wait to see more of these popping up all over the world. Maybe that elevating drawbridge in Old Sac will get some artistic hanging “testicles” for passing boats, all in the name or the arts, of course. Not just because of the ironic neighborhood name. “Check it out. Looks like that steamboat getting teabagged by the bridge.” Make it happen unemployed artists of Northern California!!! I know there are a LOT of you out there reading this.

Corpse Flower - The "corpse flower" is alive at Michigan State University. But it won't last forever. What’s the Corpse Flower, you ask? The 5-foot-tall Amorphophallus titanum (which I believe is Latin for “Ever-changing Giant Phallus”) that flowered Friday for the first time in 15 years is expected to finish blooming Tuesday (They always seem to bloom too quickly). Mike Grillo, a Ph.D. student, tells the Lansing State Journal that the randomly flowering plant "looks like something meaty that's dead" and seduces flies and carrion beetles by emitting a pungent perfume akin to the putrid smell of rotting flesh. Portions of its large leaves are blood-colored burgundy. Hot, right? About 500 visitors have viewed the plant, which naturally grows in equatorial rainforests on the Indonesian island of Sumatra (incase you can’t make it to Lansing by Tuesday). Grillo said the plant will lie dormant for several months before regrowing…and it’s just weird that this last time took 15 years. Sounds like a necrophiliac’s dream plant to me. At least it’d be a conversation starter to have around the house. “Hey Jake, I brought some beers for the game and…what the f**k is that smell? Is there a dead cat in the walls?” “That’s my new flowers. I’ve got a few now & they JUST bloomed. Aren’t they gorgeous?” “JESUS!!! What the f**k is that? It looks like you’ve been watering roadkill.” “That is Amorphophallus Titanum, a Sumatran jungle plant.” “I’m gonna…hmmmph. Oh God, it smells like a zombie orgy on Bourbon Street in here. Maybe we should go to my apartment? They’re only getting fumigated for termites.” Yes, now get the image of a zombie orgy on Bourbon Street out of your mind. Yes, YES!!! Bwahahahaahahaha… Anyway, now you know what a corpse flower is.

Ice Cream Gang Wars - Police in Washington state said an ice cream vendor threatened another vendor with a knife and told HER to get off his turf. The man acknowledged talking with the woman Sunday in a cul-de-sac but denied making threats. Police found a knife (for opening packages of creamsicles) in his truck and arrested him for investigation of assault. The Daily Herald of Everett reported the 51-year-old man appeared in District Court Monday and was ordered held on $25,000 bail. The woman said she didn't think she was violating the unwritten code among vendors about where they sell frozen treats. Obviously, she was wrong. She needs to step her game up and get back to the timeless principles of the Ten Crack Commandments. Also, who the hell drives around neighborhoods slowly in urban neighborhoods and DOESN’T pack heat? Do you have any idea what kids have hidden in their daddy’s pants? A couple of punk-ass kids come up, order some rocket pops and a fudgesicle, “Okay, that’ll be $2.50”, kid pulls out a 9mm “How about you just clean out that register for me?”, “Sure thing playa” as you reveal the AK-47 under your apron, then suddenly you’re in a shoot-out like a sequel to Heat. Lady, you got your turf taken with a knife. I think you’re just in the wrong game. Maybe you need to get back into your old game that involved more corner & alleys than cul-de-sacs…and if you need someone to help you back in, gimme a call. We’ll see what we can work with. “Oh $teve, you’re crazy. We’re talking about ice cream.” Don’t you listen to Wu Tang??? Cash Rules Everything Around Me, CREAM!!! Get the money, dolla dolla bills y’all. That’s right, CREAM. As in Iced CREAM. You think it’s just a clever acronym? You think it’s a game? You think it’s a f**king game? (barks like a dog) This is real life. This happens. Protect ya neck. By the way, I love it that a wholesome Caucasian man born & raised in Utah can very easily refer to Wu Tang, DMX & Biggie (among others that I decided to delete out to avoid rambling) in a story about old people & ice cream. I’m sure this is exactly what the pioneers of hip-hop had in mind thirty years ago.

Crank Rider 2 (Not a Porn) – So this morning, I was kinda checking out the reviews for “Jonah Hex” which comes out tomorrow. As you know, I’ve been anxiously awaiting this movie for some time. However, a few months back, I stumbled upon a story that inferred that the movie was such crap that the studio was already making drastic changes so that something like it never happens again, but the best way to make money back is to saturate television with advertisements and hope for a fantastic opening weekend, right? Well, I started to wonder how something so cool could get so bad…and then I read the reviews…and it all made sense. The comic is about a disfigured gunslinger with hellish powers, who watched his family get burned alive, shoots on sight, talks to the corpses, fraternizes with ladies of the evening, and his arch nemesis is a Confederate general who commands an army of zombies…yet the studio insisted on a PG-13 rating for some reason. Okay. Oh yeah…and this was after they hired the writers of hard R movies with absurd plots like “Crank” (that I enjoy on a primal level) to write up the movie. How did they counteract that? The director is making his live-action directorial debut. What was his previous work? “Horton Hears A Who!” I am NOT joking. That being said, I’ll probably still see the movie, even though I’m sure the only way to make it worse is to cut Megan Fox out of the movie. Anyway, just thoughts I had to share because…well, another crappy movie may be getting made soon. Allegedly, "Crank" and "Gamer" writer/directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor are in early negotiations to direct the comic book hero sequel "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" for Sony Pictures says Heat Vision. Yes, they want to make another Ghost Rider movie. Nicolas Cage (who needs the money) is also in early negotiations to reprise his role as Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcyclist who makes a deal with the devil and finds himself transforming into a flaming-skulled man driving a motorcycle from hell (hmm, basically the same plot as “Jonah Hex” if you think about it, just different timeframe). Story details are not forthcoming and it's unsure if this will utilize any other character from the previous 2007 film which grossed almost $230 million worldwide despite poor reviews (poor is a generous description…but yeah, it made money). David Goyer wrote the story and it's unsure if Neveldine and Taylor will perform a rewrite. Avi Arad, Ari Arad, Michael De Luca and Steven Paul are producing. Shooting hopes to kick off in the late Fall as the studio must get the film made or the rights will revert back to Marvel. So yeah, Neveldine/Taylor is in talks to make a sequel to one of the worst comic movies ever made…in a rush. This movie can’t possibly fail.

Fraggle Crack Rock – On that same note, I stumbled upon this story. The trend to make films more gritty and realistic has backfired at times. The second "Street Fighter" film proved even worse than the first despite this approach (hell, at least the first had Kylie Minogue in pigtails & the great Raul Julia). Now, "Hoodwinked" scribe Corey Edwards recently posted on his blog that the official script draft he submitted to The Weinstein Company for the film version of classic Muppets spin-off "Fraggle Rock" has been rejected. The reason? His latest draft wasn't "edgy enough". Naturally Edwards isn't happy and vented his frustrations in a posting. Here's an excerpt that I know you’ll enjoy: "EDGY.’ That’s the note. That’s what they are trying to do to the Fraggle Rock movie. EDGE it up! Let me say right now that ‘edgy’ is one of my least favorite words. Since my earliest days in the client video business, ‘edgy’ has been a sign of someone who doesn’t know what they want. Not only is ‘edgy’ a nebulous, abstract word that means something different to everyone, but it chases the immediate whims of pop culture. WHAT is edgy?? Faster edits? Rock music for the score? Boober wearing some gangsta bling? I have no idea. What I DO know is that the word ‘edgy’ should not be anywhere near this movie." Edwards takes a commendable stance as well in regards to the source material which he obviously has a great affection for - "I have said repeatedly that I will do my very best to make this Fraggle movie relevant and modern, to compete with everything else out there. But what I will NOT do is sabotage what made the property beloved in the first place." The writer of the article at Dark Horizons goes on to write “Personally I'm waiting for an 'edgy Muppet movie': Kermit dealing with being the target of racial violence as his alcoholic ex-wife Miss Piggy dives into a plastic surgery fetish. Fozzie Bear going postal with a machine gun in a department store. Statler and Waldorf losing their theatre critic jobs as their print outlets become blogs. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew arrested for sexually assaulting Beaker with a beaker, and of course a coked-up Dr. Teeth dying in a hotel room from autoerotic asphyxiation.” I too would watch that movie. Anyway, on to the next one…

Downey Update – Speaking of cocaine & movies (it’s okay because I think he’s been clean for a few years & he has a sense of humor), Robert Downey Jr is making some serious movie news. Probably the world’s busiest actor and his wife Susan Downey have established their Warner Bros-based production company Team Downey and announced their first project - the heist film "Yucatan" reports Deadline. What is “Yucatan”? I’m glad you asked. "Prison Break" creator Paul Scheuring was hired five years ago to pen a script based on almost 1,700 pages of decades-old notes and storyboards done by the late acting legend (and my namesake) Steve McQueen who had hoped to topline the project. The story follows a group of thieves who head to Mexico to find Mayan treasure buried for centuries beneath the Yucatan peninsula. It also deals with the historical division within Mexico between the Spanish-blooded aristocrats and the poor indigenous population, and throws in some big action set pieces including a drawn-out motorcycle chase (Remember? Steve McQueen? Bullitt? LeMans? Of course there’s a chase scene). The Downeys and Dan Lin will produce this version which will ditch Scheuring's script and start again from the notes. Downey will get first crack at starring in the film, while McQueen's son Chad will serve as an executive producer. If it does go ahead though, it won't be for a while as Downey is already committed to film both the “Sherlock Holmes” sequel and the Alfonso Cuaron-directed 3D space film "Gravity" this year. How’s Gravity going? Downward. Yes, it’s a bad joke. However, the movie “Gravity” is taking an interesting turn. Yeah, Angelina backed out a while ago which sucks for everybody. However, UK visual effects company Framestore, who worked with Cuaron before on the third "Harry Potter" and "Children of Men", calls the project "the next Avatar" in terms of scale. Here's a copy of the note they posted on their site and was discovered by The Playlist: "The entire film will be made here at Framestore. In effect the film, as Avatar was, is 60% CG feature animation with the balance being hybrid CG and live action elements. Because it’s set in space, most shots require every element to float in zero-gravity. But then factor in that this a stylish Cuarón flick, directed with his trademark languid feel, and you begin to realize the full scale of our challenge. Cuarón’s long and fluid style (the opening shot alone is slated to last at least 20 minutes) leaves no cut points to hide behind. In short, this is a hybrid of a fully animated, photo-real feature film with a blockbusting visual effects movie." It sounds like a very intriguing mix of two distinct genres of film…but I’m a little excited to see it myself. I’m a HUGE fan of the way that “Children of Men” was shot and those like five-minute-plus, no breaks or pause scenes…especially when the scene’s so gripping that you don’t even realize it the first time watching it. The CG will certainly allow them more flexibility than the post leads on but yeah, it sounds like it could be a groundbreaking flick. Then again, I think the four-minute action scene in “The Protector” is one of the greatest achievements in cinematic history…so that should give you some reference. Anyway, good luck Bob. Sounds like you have a full plate…and that’s not even mentioning the Avengers movie or anything like that.

Well, that’ll do it for today. Hopefully I’ve nerded you out enough. By the way, big day today!!! I wanted to save it for last because it’s so awesome. Remember my crack whore sister-in-law? Guess what. Pending bureaucratic BS, she will be my crack whore EX-sister-in-law this time tomorrow. GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH!!! “What? I thought she was gone long ago, $teve.” Apparently you’ve never tried to get a divorce with children by multiple fathers & a drug-addicted whore mother involved in the great state of Utah. You all know the story, so I’m not going to regurgitate all the horrible details & situations that would make Maury Povich gag…but God willing, I may never have to see that b**ch again. Oh…and I don’t wanna jinx anything until I hear it from a sane person…but be careful what you wish for, ladies & gentlemen. Sometimes those things, like diseases & bad juju that you wish on horrible people, do come true…so please just be careful out there. Have a wonderful day everybody!!!

Taking Over for Junior

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I guess I’ll start off with the big news of the day. I got an email yesterday from my roommate…and he’s basically going to be moving out in about two months. It was a little expected because we don’t really hang out much, he’s got his other buddies & rooming with me was always kind of a temporary thing until he got to know the area. I knew that from the start. No worries. He’s gotta do what’s good for him…and frankly, that’s why all the utilities and stuff were in my name from the get-go anyway. I’m glad that he’s giving me some notice. So yeah, if anybody out there knows somebody looking for a pretty sweet living arrangement in paradise, let me know. I’ll be checking the local papers & putting word out on the streets I guess. Not too worried…but we’ll see what happens in the next month or so. Other than that, I’m excited for a possible date this weekend…even though she’s already had to reschedule for lunch & a movie. I know what you’re thinking…and it was my first thought too – The Friend Zone. The most dreaded of all zones…yet somehow $teve always seems to find his way there. Hmm, although it does give me a plethora of very beautiful friends… Anyway, semi-jokingly, when she told me that she had to move it up a few hours, I text back “Ah… lunch? I’m already headed for the Friend Zone?” She’s aware of my sense of humor, so she wrote back that the only way I was going there…was if I put myself there. I don’t intend to. Then again, who really intends to? We shall see. Besides, everybody knows that my most “successful” relationships usually start with breakfast…and frankly, the lady making a move. That’ll have to change though. If I have a flaw (and I did say IF), it’s that I’m a little timid. I just have to put myself out there…and some lucky girl’s gonna find out what she’s been missing out on…cuz let’s face it, I’m hot sh*t in a champagne glass…and most guys out there are cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup. I owe it to all the lovely ladies out there to let them know that there are some great guys out there. Anyway, to be continued…

Also, do you love the Muppets? Of course you do. What about Sex & the City? Yeah, I hate it too. However, if you want to see the new “Sex & the City 2” movie…starring Muppets, then I highly recommend that you check out the brilliant B’s Popsuede blog. It’s… it’s pretty much perfect hilarity… and it makes me want to watch “Muppets Take Manhattan” and pretend it’s a prequel.

Let’s see. Softball tonight. Allegedly I’m going to get to play the whole game. A few people aren’t going to be able to make it. We’ll see how that goes. I’m sure I’ll be put out into right field or something. I guess I’ll have to wait another week until playing pickup basketball in Incline Village. No worries. Either way should be a lot of fun. It’s just funny how in basketball, I base my performance on how much I dominate…but with baseball, it’s whether I don’t screw up. Ah well, wish me luck. Here’s some news…

Junior Retires – Back when I used to at least watch baseball, my favorite player was far and away, Ken Griffey Jr. Back when he was with the Seattle Mariners, there was simply none greater…and he was just a kid. He was going to shatter the record books…and do it with a style & grace that in the years since has been lost from the game thanks to contract disputes, media scrutiny & of course steroids. Well, a few years back, I had already passed on baseball, but Junior was able to achieve his dream through free agency. He was going to return home to Cincinnati, where his father played baseball for the Reds, where he grew up, and where he wanted to retire with a bunch of World Series rings. Unfortunately, he was plagued with injuries for over a decade…and the team was never really a contender for pennants…and the record book was never shattered (though despite all the injuries, he’s still 5th on the all-time list with 630 homers…and no steroids). Through all the adversity, he just remained a smiling kid in an adult body playing the game that he loved…for 22 seasons. Now, forty years old and back with the Seattle Mariners as a part-time designated hitter, he’s retiring from baseball. In his statement, he said, “While I feel I am still able to make a contribution on the field and nobody in the Mariners front office has asked me to retire, I told the Mariners when I met with them prior to the 2009 season and was invited back that I will never allow myself to become a distraction. I feel that without enough occasional starts to be sharper coming off the bench, my continued presence as a player would be an unfair distraction to my teammates and their success as a team is what the ultimate goal should be.” We’ll miss ya, Junior. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out the way that you planned…but hopefully you had fun while you were doing it. Nothing but the best.

Something Exciting in Delaware – Have you ever wondered what people in Delaware do for fun? Me too…and my best guess is to go to another state…but then I read this and found a new popular activity – Messing with Authority. See, Rehoboth Beach in Delaware isn't a topless beach… but a few transgender men caused a stir by treating it like one. Police say passers-by complained after the men removed their tops and revealed their surgically enhanced breasts over Memorial Day weekend (giggidy!). A lifeguard asked them to put their tops back on (“and for God’s sake shave”). The men initially refused, but covered up before police arrived. Even if they hadn't, though, Police Chief Keith Banks notes the men were doing nothing illegal. Since they have male genitalia (did he check?), they can't be charged with indecent exposure for showing their breasts. Banks says there's no need for a specific law to address the issue. Oh really? Rehoboth Beach commissioner Kathy McGuiness isn't so sure. She says the matter will be discussed at a town hall meeting next week. Well, I have the solution…and it’s a good one - Let the girls breathe. Why not? Are you sexist? Only somebody who is sexist would allow men to do what women are not allowed to do. Do you plan on passing a law where men have to wear tops? HA!!! Good luck with that, Miss McGuiness. Besides, is it hurting anybody? Except by maybe making gentlemen’s shorts fit a little tighter (and raising some questions about their orientation)? No. Not at all…and there’s fewer tan lines. Anyway… that’s what’s going on in Delaware.

Quite A Feet – In the city of Talent, Oregon, Todd Ragsdale enjoyed a peppermint mineral foot soak while relaxing at home Monday. It was well deserved after running a world-record distance without shoes over the weekend. Between 8 a.m. Saturday and 8 a.m. Sunday, the 41-year-old logged 102 miles barefoot (or more specifically, 413 laps on the South Medford High School track). Ragsdale made his run in the Relay For Life fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. The run left Ragsdale's feet bruised, blistered and swollen, but he said it was well worth it. I’m glad that this was for a good cause. I’m all for raising money for cancer research & kudos to Mr. Ragsdale on an astounding accomplishment by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, running almost 5 MPH for 24 hours? I start getting short of breath after about 24 minutes on a treadmill. And he did it barefoot. I don’t even walk around my house in bare feet if I can help it, less a high school track. The only problem I have with this…is maybe the world record part. Granted, nobody’s really keeping track of this…but I’m sure there are guys in Kenya that run this much barefoot just about every weekend…and that’s in the savannah, not a high school track. Okay, probably not for 24 hours straight though…so I’ll give Mr. Ragsdale his due. Donate to cancer research y’all.

Elvis Update - The estate of the great Elvis Aaron Presley has signed a deal for Hasbro Inc. and PPW Toys to release an Elvis version of Mr. Potato Head. (Bone Junior’s probably already looking for it online) Kevin Kern, a spokesman for Presley's Graceland estate, told The Commercial Appeal the new toy is one of 15,000 Elvis-licensed products and is one the company is excited about (unlike the Elvis early pregnancy detection kit that replies “Lord have mercy” or “Thank you very much” depending on the results). The first of the Elvis potato heads will be released for Elvis Tribute Week in August. The toy will be in a jumpsuit. A second version with the likeness dressed in black leather will be on the market for Christmas (hint hint). PPW Toys spokesman Dean Gorby said the Elvis Mr. Potato Head will broaden the audience from young fans to adult toy collectors. Yeah, because that’s what Elvis needs. More fans. The man’s been dead for over 30 years and has more loyal followers than Jesus (probably because he’s been dead for over 2000 years). It’s always good to see Mr. Potato Head back in the news too. However, I’m still waiting on the live-action movie starring the only man who can pull off the character with absolutely no makeup – Sir Ron Perlman. I’ll keep you posted.

Biggest Burger – Mmm… what better to go with a Ron Perlman sized batch of fried potaters than the world’s biggest burger? An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with an 81 kg (178 lb) patty that took 12 hours to cook and four men to flip. The monster burger cooked up by Sydney cafe owners, Joe and Iman El-Ajouz, weighed in at 90 kg in total, eclipsing the previous record of 84 kg, set in Michigan. "Just flipping the patty was the main challenge for us, but it all went well," Iman El-Ajouz told Reuters. "My husband had to prepare special metal holders and a metal plate, he had one at the bottom one at the top, locked them together and they flipped the burger with that." The giant burger contained the giant beef patty, 120 eggs, 150 slices of cheese, 1.5 kg of beetroot, 2.5 kg of tomatoes and almost 2 kg of lettuce all topped off with gallons of special sauce on a giant sesame seed bun. It was eaten by employees at the café (so they couldn’t sue if it was undercooked). The variety of burger will be on the menu at the cafe for the next year in order to meet the conditions for a Guinness world record, but will set hungry patrons back around A$1,500 ($1,220), which if you think about it, is about $7 a pound. Only bad thing about this…is that they didn’t add any bacon. What the hell were they thinking? Beetroot? Come on, Aussies. You’re better than that. By the way, I realize that the eggs were used to keep the patty together…but isn’t that technically a meatloaf? Just throwing that out there.

Mortal Kombat Reboot? - A viral video has hit the past few days that's spreading like wildfire because it plays like a trailer for Warner Bros. upcoming reboot of the "Mortal Kombat" franchise. This professionally made clip starring Michael Jai White (“Spawn” & “Black Dynamite”) and Jeri Ryan (Seven of 9 in “Star Trek” lore) also includes multiple decapitations, cannibalism, mutated people and a much darker and grittier sense to it than the previous two fantasy/action films based on the video game. As for its origins? The clip first emerged on YouTube under the name 'MortalKombatRebirth' and is apparently a proof-of-concept reel that film director Kevin Tancharoen ("Fame") put together with the help of fight sequence coordinator Larnell Stovall ("Undisputed III"). This could be pretty cool. Yes, the two previous Mortal Kombat movie were insanely flawed and really just a way to capitalize on the game’s popularity with the kids…but if we’re talking hardcore R-rated gritty stuff, then I can definitely got on board for that. Anyway, I know you want to see a video with decapitations, cannibalism & mutants…so here you go…



X-Men Update – In more certain movie news, Michael Fassbender is fast becoming a hot commodity in Hollywood since his role in “Inglorious Basterds” last year. The German-born, Irish-raised actor is currently being linked to not one but TWO Marvel comic book film adaptations currently heading towards production. Showbiz 411 reports that "X-Men: First Class" director Matthew Vaughn is pursuing him to play the younger version of Ian McKellen’s Magneto in Fox's prequel project, which already stars James McAvoy (“Wanted”) as the younger Professor Xavier. That film is slated to kick off filming soon in the UK for release next Summer. At the same time, Fassbender is being pursued to play the villain in “Spider Man 4" at Sony Pictures. As that film isn't scheduled to hit until mid-2012, its production won't kick off until sometime next year. Fassbender is expected to choose one over the other, the question is which one and how it will fit into his schedule. The actor is currently shooting David Cronenberg's "A Dangerous Method" and will next star in David Jacobson's "A Single Shot". The actor will be seen onscreen in "Jonah Hex" later this month and "Centurion" in August. Indeed a busy man…but once you get into the Marvel Universe, you can pretty much set yourself up for a while. Anyway, we’ll see. I can totally see him as Magneto though. That’d be kick-ass.

Well geez, I guess that’ll do it for today. So much uncertainty in my near future…but hey, I’ll just live day to day and see what happens. Worst-case, Filly’s getting into the crowd down in New Orleans that could get her a job as a paranormal investigator. I’m not joking. You could actually put that on your taxes. So now I’m having images of driving around the country in my Baby fighting the forces of Evil (and making sweet love to a few demons & angels along the way) like Sam & Dean Winchester on “Supernatural.” Don’t think I’m not giving this some serious thought. The only problem I had with the premise of the show before was the lack of a paycheck…but even if it’s ten bucks an hour plus gas money, who knows? That’s not likely though. Have a great day everybody!!!