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Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,



Not much going on the past few nights. I played a few pickup games Tuesday, chatted with Pixie & one of her friends, Nurse picked me up In-N-Out Burger on the way back from the airport, introduced Bee Master to “Eastbound & Down” and she finds it hilariously offensive, just like everybody else. Last night, I watched this British show called “Skins” with Nurse about evil teenager drama with semi-irritating accents… and it’s alright, but I was watching… and I asked Nurse, “Is that douchy pretty boy the kid from ‘About a Boy’?” “It sure is… I think I preferred him as a chubby pre-teen.” Eh, that’s about all I’ve got to say about that… except there was one scene where a kid dropped a baby that struck us as hilarious for some reason. Mostly because it wasn’t even really acknowledged that the baby had just been dropped… apparently on a hardwood floor. Don’t worry, no babies or puppies were harmed in the filming of this show.



So I’ve decided that I’m going to the Utah vs. Cal college football game when they come here in October. I even already have 2nd row seats. That’s right, b**ches. Football is BACK!!! I’m also thinking that I might need to go check out a Giants game before the season’s over in the next month… and I’ve been getting emails about the Kraft Hunger Bowl on New Year’s Eve, where the Utes may also be playing (since they’re in the Pac-12 now) and even if not them, then still a great game. So in summation, I must just have an inkling to go check out AT&T Park since I haven’t been there yet. I may just go for the trifecta. Gonna see if my dad wants to go with me to the Utah-Cal game, give him first dibs for an early Christmas present or something. I figure if he can make it out here for the weekend, I’ve got free room, board & entertainment for him when he gets here. It worked for the Eagles-49ers game last year, so we’ll see. He’s got about 7 weeks to plan ahead.



I also watched “Insidious” starring Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne & Lin Shaye and directed by James Wan (“Saw”). It’s the story of a family of five whose eldest son suddenly & mysteriously went into a coma. Almost immediately, strange things start to happen around the house, so they move. However, they soon find out that it wasn’t the house that was haunted… it was their son in a coma. Now, I wasn’t expecting much given that it was from the director of “Saw” and the premise seemed… a little stretched. However, I stand corrected. It’s PG-13 (a little language & frightening situations) and it did start out a little slow… but there was definitely a creepy mood established… and it wasn’t completely over-the-top, very subtle… and then sh*t gets real good. I don’t want to give anything away… but I really liked this horror flick. It’s a lot like “Poltergeist” where it’s just genuinely terrifying but not overly gory or anything. I highly recommend it. Go check it out!!! Anyway, here’s some news…



Vick Update – It warms the cockles of my heart to bring you this next story… because I know that some of you out there STILL don’t care for Michael Vick… but as my buddy Charlie sang to me this weekend, you can’t keep a good dog down (Too soon? Or is it because it’s an “All Dogs Go to Heaven” reference?). Just more than two years after being released from prison, out of work, mired in bankruptcy and facing an uncertain future, Michael Vick is again on top of the world. Vick, who served 19 months at federal penitentiary at Leavenworth, Kansas, on felony dogfighting charges before joining the Philadelphia Eagles as a third-string quarterback two years ago, signed one of the richest contracts in NFL history on Tuesday. Vick’s six-year, $100 million deal makes him the third-highest-paid player in the NFL, behind only Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “It’s a lot of money, how ever you look at it,” Vick said. “Obviously, it’s going to create a lot of demands. I know what comes along with it, and I know how to handle it. But it’s not even about the money. It’s about the changes that have been made in my life. Kids have an opportunity to see that you should never count yourself out. But at the same time, don’t put yourself in a position where you’ve got to make a miraculous comeback. That’s not what it’s about.” Vick, twice a Pro Bowl quarterback with the Atlanta Falcons before he went to prison, said there were times while he was in prison he wondered if he would ever get back what he once had. “Sometimes as a man, you fear what you can’t see,” Vick said at a press conference at the Eagles practice facility. “Nobody can predict the future. You don’t know what’s going to happen. Tomorrow’s not promised. The only thing you can do is live your life, hope for the best, continue to have faith, believe in yourself. The thing for me was believing in the people who were there for me in my time of need. … You never know what’s going to happen. Expect the worst and hope for the best, and that’s what I did. God was on my side, and I’m here today.” Amen! He was named NFL Comeback Player of the Year in 2010 after winning eight of 11 starts, throwing a career-high 21 touchdown passes and rushing for nine more. The Eagles retained his rights by signing him to a one-year, $16 million franchise tag, but his new contract runs through 2016. “This is a great story all the way through,” Eagles coach Andy Reid said. “This is really what America’s all about. Second chance and Mike took full advantage of that. And then when he was given a second chance to start in the National Football League, he took full advantage of that and turned it into this.” Vick became the first player in NFL history to sign more than one $100 million contract in his career. On Dec. 23, 2004, with the Falcons on their way to the NFC Championship game, where they lost to the Eagles, Vick signed a 10-year deal worth $130 million. But he played only 32 games under that deal before legal problems derailed his career. “I’ve learned … don’t take anything for granted,” Vick said. “I did that at one point when I had the big contract in Atlanta, and I think that will definitely help me now in understanding what’s most important and how to move forward in my life.” Vick said his legal problems and lengthy prison stay will always drive him to excel, no matter how much money he’s earning. “It’s always something that’s going to be a part of me. It’s the reason why I work so hard each and every day. It’s the reason I come to work dedicated to become the best that I can be. Nothing’s going to come easy in life, and I’ve learned a lot of lessons, some the hard way, and I think just the things that I’ve been through have helped mold me into the person I am and what (is in) my future and that’s continuing to do things the right way.” Tell me this isn’t a great story of a man learning his lesson. TELL ME!!! Next stop: The Super Bowl? “The common goal is to bring that ring back to the city of Philadelphia. That’s why we play. That’s what we’re all working for. As a competitor, I don’t feel my career will be complete without that.” Well, even I never thought that he’d sign a nine-digit contract again… so now that I think he can bring Philly it’s first NFL championship in over 50 years, anything’s possible. Congratulations on redemption, Mr. Vick!!!



Most Trusted Celebrity – Okay, so I don’t expect Mr. Vick to top list any time soon but… it seems like former "Golden Girls" actress Betty White also has the Midas touch. White, 89, is both the most popular and most trusted celebrity with Americans and the person most likely to drive up the business of a brand she might choose to endorse, according to a poll released on Wednesday. But the Reuters/Ipsos poll suggested that companies should stay away from Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen if they want to promote their products. The socialite and reality TV actress, and the fired "Two and A Half Men" star topped the list of the most unpopular and least trusted personalities and were deemed most likely to damage any brands they choose to support (except I’m pretty sure that if you made an energy drink called “Tiger’s Blood” right now, you’d be selling like hot cakes). White, the only surviving member of the key cast members of TV's "Golden Girls" 1980s comedy, has enjoyed a career resurgence in the last few years as a saucy senior in films like "The Proposal" and the TV show "Hot in Cleveland". She also won an Emmy Award last year for hosting satirical sketch show "Saturday Night Live". White scored an 86% favorable opinion in the Reuters/Ipsos poll, beating Oscar winners Denzel Washington, Sandra Bullock and Clint Eastwood in the survey of the 100 most popular personalities. Some 44% of those questioned said they would be more likely to do business with a company if White endorsed it. At the other extreme, 54 percent of the 2,012 Americans questioned for the poll said they would trust a company less if it were endorsed by Sheen, with Hilton coming in second. Pop star Britney Spears, actor Mel Gibson and golfer Tiger Woods -- who lost several major endorsements after his 2009 sex scandal -- also fared badly. Below is a list of the top 10 most popular personalities with their "favorable" rating by percentage of voters.



1. Betty White - 86% favorable

2. Denzel Washington – 85%

3. Sandra Bullock - 84%

4. Clint Eastwood – 83%

5. Tom Hanks - 81% (Forrest?)

6. Harrison Ford – 80%

7. Morgan Freeman - 79%

8. Kate Middleton – 79% (why?)

9. Will Smith - 77% (hmm…)

10. Johnny Depp – 76%



Below is a list of the top 10 most unpopular personalities with their "unfavorable" rating by percentage of voters.

1. Paris Hilton - 60% unfavorable

2. Charlie Sheen – 52%

3. Britney Spears – 45%

4. Kanye West - 45%

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger – 44%

6. Tiger Woods - 42%

7. Kim Kardashian – 38%

8. Mel Gibson - 33%

9. Donald Trump – 31%

10. LeBron James – 29%



Okay, so… a few observations from this list. Favorable side: People like older people who do voice-over work & just keep to themselves. That’s cool. Unfavorable side: I find it interesting that Arnie is more hated for banging the cleaning lady than Tiger is for banging half of the porn industry. Why? Tiger apologized. Kanye is arrogant as all hell, but he never went on a drunken rant about Judaism & then leave threatening voicemails for his gold digging girlfriend. So why is he higher on the list. What exactly has Kim Kardashian done besides get f**ked by Ray J on tape & be linked to a bunch of athletes? So I’ve figured it out. People love you & trust you if you do what they expect you to do, not necessarily what you want to do. Pop quiz: Has anybody in the top 10 played the villain in a movie? Okay, Morgan Freeman & Johnny Depp have a few times… but very rarely. Sir Anthony Hopkins could be the most trustworthy individual on Earth… but because of his choices to take challenging roles, including Hannibal Lechter, you wouldn’t want to be in the same room as him. Now, look at the bottom 10. If they’re not portrayed as greedy or rich socialites, they’ve made horrible mistakes… yet some are much more reviled than others. The key is to at least feign remorse for what you did. Paris? I never expect anything from her anyway. I’m borderline on whether she’s really a celebrity & should be on this list. Charlie, Kanye, Arnie – all brash & unapologetic for who they are. Tiger, Mel, LeBron – Apologized to a certain extent… and seriously, why does everybody hate LeBron? He made a mistake in the way of presenting his “Decision” or whatever… but he’s still a good guy & amazing athlete. Interesting tid-bit, Michael Vick isn’t on the bottom 10. Think about it. Sigh… and he’s going to have another $100 million dollars. That’s Trump money!



Make Your Own Money – Well, there’s one way to have that kind of money besides earning it… making it. A small town in central Italy is trying to go independent and mint its own money in protest at government austerity cuts. Filettino, set in rugged hill country around 100 km (65 miles) east of Rome, is rebelling against a proposal to merge the governments of towns with fewer than 1,000 inhabitants to save money. Filettino has only around 550 people, but instead of merging with neighboring Trevi, mayor Luca Sellari is trying to go it alone and set up a "principality" along the lines of the famous republic of San Marino to the north. He has started minting Filettino's own bank currency, the "Fiorito," with his photo on the back, which he says is already being used by the townsfolk. "We aim to achieve real autonomy from Italy and we have the financial resources to do it," Sellari said in an interview on the town's website. There was no immediate comment from the central government in Rome. Mayors from all over Italy are up in arms about proposals to cut local government funding and merge small towns as part of a 45.5 billion euro ($65.3 billion) austerity plan to balance the country's budget by 2013. Mayors plan a protest in Milan Monday although media reports say the government is preparing significant changes to the budget, including a substantial dilution of the proposals on local government. Well, we’ll see how long this lasts… but yeah, it may be difficult to get everybody to convert to your money. I’m just saying… if Disney can’t do it, what chance does a little town in Italy have? Do they still do Disney Dollars or whatever at the parks? Oh well, there ARE better ways to get that pa-per…



This Week In Pimpin’ - Prostitutes (a.k.a. Schlampes) in the German city of Bonn must carry a ticket purchased from a new parking metre-like machine while working the streets… or face hefty fines from tax authorities in a scheme launched Monday night. In Germany, ladies of the night pay income tax (the level of which varies from region to region) but compliance is difficult to enforce with women seeking business on the street. Germany's first "sex tax meters," from which prostitutes can purchase a ticket for 6 Euros (about $9) per night, will ensure the tax system is fairly implemented, a city spokeswoman said. "Inspectors will monitor compliance -- not every evening but frequently," the spokeswoman told Reuters. If caught without a valid ticket, offenders will first be reprimanded, then face fines and later even a ban (GASP!!! Illegal prostitution?). About 200 prostitutes work in Bonn, the former capital of West Germany. Due to protests from residents, city officials have limited the areas of operation to specific quarters. But critics say this has made it easier for prostitutes to ply their trade (duh). The city has erected what officials call "consummation areas," wooden parking garages where customers driving cars can retreat to with prostitutes. Hmm… better than alleys… but not better than motels. Well, at least the government has found a way to get their cut. Basically it’s like parking… but for hooking. Simple, produces revenue, enforcement will be tricky but hey, they’re still getting their cut. This could catch on. Not $100 million contract strong… but could pay for some new roads or something. Still… not my favorite way to make money that I found today…



Panda Update - Zhu Cheng, a Chinese sculptor, created a statue with the help of nine 11 year-old art students in the central Chinese city of Chengdu, the home of a giant panda breeding centre (and kick-ass place half the world away). No, it’s not a statue of a panda… but rather a replica of the Venus di Milo… made from panda poo. According to the Henan Business Daily newspaper, it has already been purchased by Uli Sigg, a Swiss businessman who owns the world's largest collection of contemporary Chinese art, for 300,000 yuan (about $50,000!!!). Mr Sigg, who was formerly the Swiss ambassador to China, told the Henan Business Daily that he thought the statue was "full of creativity and innovation". "We made the statue in October," said Mr Zhu. "We took a clay mould of the statue and then pasted panda dung onto it using vegetable glue," he added. "I have been thinking about using panda dung in my work for years (who hasn’t?). After all, pandas are China's national treasure, so anything relating to them is interesting. It was quite hard to get hold of the dung, however. The first time I applied they declined, and I had to write a letter explaining what I was going to do with it." Imagine reading that letter for the first time. No, no, you don’t understand. I want to take these massive amount of panda dung… and replicate the Venus di Milo. Oh, well in that case… Anyway, the rest is history. The statue is currently on display at a charity exhibition at the Zhengzhou Art Museum in Henan province, where it has drawn large crowds. Items crafted out of dried panda dung (which is said to have a relatively neutral smell because of the panda's all-bamboo diet) have been sold at the gift shop of the Chengdu Research Centre for Giant Panda Breeding since 2007.

In case you were wondering… I was there in 2006, otherwise I just might have some panda dung in my collection. The shop said its panda dung paper and small pots were particularly popular. Mmm… pretty panda poo pots. That’s not even a joke. Huang Xiangming, a spokesman, said the centre used to pay 5,000 yuan to 8,000 yuan a month to dispose of the waste, but was now using it to generate revenue. Adult pandas produce around 45lbs of dung a day (JESUS!!!). China currently has 312 giant pandas in captivity, with 31 successful births this year. Mr Sigg has been collecting Chinese art since 1985 and is said to be the only collector who has witnessed the whole development of the Chinese contemporary art world since its infancy. Wang Weiwei, who coordinates the China Contemporary Art Award, which was set up by Mr Sigg in 1997, said the collector had a number of agents buying up Chinese art for him. Congratulations on your purchase, sir!!!

But let’s get back to the numbers, shall we. They used to spend… let’s say $1000 a month to dispose of panda waste. Now, they have 312 pandas producing 45 pounds of poo per day, so roughly… and I’m NOT joking… just over 5 MILLION pounds of poo per year. Go ahead, do the math. So you see, that’s roughly a dollar for every 400 pounds cost, which really isn’t bad if you think about it. However, if they can instead sell it to tourists, artists, students, scientists, fecophiles, or an aspiring entrepreneur looking to corner the market on premium odorless panda fertilizer, even at something like $1 per pound… then you’ve taken what would’ve been an expense and turned it into a profit maker… of roughly $5 MILLION a year. Now, I’m in business & I know those numbers aren’t going to be all profit… and even the dollar per pound might be ambitious… and I know not all five million pounds are going to be sellable… but hey, it can only turn into a good thing. Turning scat into gold, my friend. All it takes is somebody with an idea & the ability to sell it. If I can be the Father of Panda Porn to help save the species, then I can be the Premier Peddler of Prime Panda Poo to make some mother lovin’ money.



So those are some of my ideas for making money so that I can enjoy a few good sporting events at AT&T Park… or finance my upcoming Vegas trip… or just cushion my mattress with dolla dolla bills y’all so that I can feel freshly laundered notes against my bare skin. Whatever… it’s my money. I do what I want with it. Have a great day everybody!!!

SF AIDS Walk

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This weekend was a lot of fun. Saturday after posting, I did a little walking around my neighborhood (beautiful national park known as the Presidio) and then watched Season 4 of “Dexter” with my roommate Bee Master… and this I found out… ALL THREE of my roommates love “Dexter” with a passion. That’s awesome… because I really like it too… and Season 4 has a creepy John Lithgow… which is just about perfect. So good!!!

Sunday, I woke up early (for a Sunday) and headed to the AIDS Walk San Francisco in Golden Gate Park to meet up with some coworkers & my ex-roommate Carmen, who I hadn’t seen in a while. We had some breakfast pastries there at the start line, introduced her to coworkers, but then by the time the walk started, the whole group kind of got split up… so it was basically just the two of us chatting and catching up on recent travels & adventures. During the six-mile-plus jaunt, there were stations with various treats, water, juices, popsicles, condoms, radio station giveaways, bands playing music, and of course the scenic majesty of the park itself in places that I had never ventured personally, so it was well worth helping raise (a very miniscule) part of the over $3 million that the over 25,000 walkers raised this weekend. Here are some pictures…

Beautiful scenery...

Belly dancers...

Bands... even the trees were dancing...

After the walk, we had a great BBQ lunch with the coworkers… and then we went our separate ways to enjoy the rest of our Sunday… which for me apparently meant taking the bus back to my apartment, taking a shower… and then taking a nap for an hour or so. By the way, I put in about ten miles total on my feet with going to the bus, walking the AIDS Walk & wandering around the events. That’s pretty good for me… especially since this was before the peak of the sun’s day. So yeah… after my nap (very refreshing), I cooked a little dinner (mac & cheese) and watched more of “Dexter” with my roommate. She always seems to pop up when I’m watching that show. Weird… but pretty cool because we get along with our similar senses of humor.

I found out today that I’m going to be able to attend my family reunion the week after Labor Day too. Yes, the camping trip out in the middle of the Utah desert where hillbillies drink, start fires & enjoy each other’s company. It should be amazing as always. I may just be out there for a day or two and then hanging in Slick City for a day or so… but yeah, I’m looking forward to it. Also trying to iron out the final travel plans for my Tahoe weekend at the end of the month, Jackie D’s 25th birthday extravaganza in Vegas in November, Thanksgiving (hopefully my family’s coming HERE) & Christmas. I know it’s a ways out… but that’s how I’ve got to play it to get it approved most of the time. Luckily the work schedule may cooperate too.

Monday, I watched “Harry Brown” starring Michael Caine & Emily Mortimer. It’s the story of an ex-Marine named Harry Brown (Caine) whose only friend Leonard is murdered by some local gang a**holes when he tries to stand up to them. Well, Harry don’t play that sh*t. One by one, Harry tries to take back the neighborhood ala Death Wish style… but with British accents. Detectives (Mortimer) are investigating the mysterious deaths of the gang members… but there’s no way that an elderly man could do this, right? Though it may sound like I’m describing a campy one-liner type of movie… it’s actual done in a very realistic and dark tone way. As usual, Michael Caine rocks the hell out of any role he plays whether it’s Alfred Pennyworth, Alfie, the Italian Job, a promoter of magicians, or an elderly ex-Marine out for blood. I highly recommend it if you’re into that kind of movie. Now… for a little something that you have gotten in a while. No, not THAT. I’m talking about… the news…

Vick Update – As you know… I have had a soft spot for Michael Vick over the past few years. Yes, the whole dogfighting thing was pretty bad. I know that I made light of it… but that’s just how I do. However, is it worse than vehicular manslaughter? Not at all. I’m just saying. The guy served his time… learned his lesson… and has moved in a positive direction. You have to respect that. I don’t care how cute you think puppies are. The man lost two years of his life AND at least $100 million. I pray that none of you make a mistake like that. I'd like to see how some of those people think chicken farmers should be punished for what they do on a daily basis to feed people around the world. Then with Vick signing with the Eagles two years back, that was awesome… and I knew it was going to be a great move for the franchise (so much that they’re shopping Kevin Kolb pretty well for there still not technically being a future in the NFL). Even better now though… he’s getting back a little of the endorsement cash. Earlier this month, Nike signed him to an endorsement deal… two years after they dropped him like a hot potato. Earlier this week, he went before Congress to help pass legislation that would make it illegal to ATTEND dogfighting as well. That's right, my dogfight watching days may be quickly coming to a close. Luckily, there's always Thailand to see my muay thai kickboxers duel to the blood. On Wednesday, Vick became an equity partner in Double Eagle Holdings, Ltd., the parent company of Fuse Science, Inc. And as part of the agreement, Vick will endorse Fuse Science and its line of sports nutrition vitamins and minerals. “Fuse Science has game-changing technology and an incredible team of scientists and business leaders to bring it to market,” Vick said. “I believe these products will revolutionize how athletes provide their bodies with nutrients and medicines, changing what we have come to accept as normal.” Vick, who led Philadelphia to an NFC East title last season, signed his first endorsement after being released from prison on Jan. 27 with Unequal Technologies, a company that produces football pads. And then on July 1, he returned to Nike, a company that had previously dropped him. “He’s a changed man,” Fuse Science CEO Adam Adler told The Associated Press. “As part of that change, he’s becoming a business man and not just a football player. He’s the hungriest athlete, he’s the best athlete in any sport and it was a no-brainer to bring Michael in and build around him.” Vick was the AP Comeback Player of the Year last season after having the best all-around year of his career. He started for the NFC in the Pro Bowl and was designated the franchise player by the Eagles before the NFL lockout. Vick’s image has dramatically turned around since his release from federal prison in July 2009 after serving 18 months for dogfighting charges. He’s won over many fans, and is a well-respected team leader on the Eagles. Companies have noticed Vick’s rejuvenation, and are turning to him once again to sell their products. “Michael wants to partner with a select group of companies,” said Andrew Stroth, the Chicago-based attorney who negotiated Vick’s deal. “Fuse Science has game-changing technology and is a good strategic fit with Michael’s brand.” Congratulations Michael!!!

Also, a happy premature birthday to Bubbles as she is leaving for a trip to see her sister in Seattle and get some R&R (Rum & Refills?). She’s been a good friend of mine for over five years now and she’s been really working hard the past few months too… so she’s deserving of this getaway. Have fun!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Interview Tomorrow

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Tomorrow is a big day. I’m scheduled for an interview with the job opportunity in San Francisco… and then probably after that, I’ll have a pretty major decision to make. Luckily I’ve had a lot of practice in these kinds of things over the past few years, so it should be pretty simple by now. You know, the weighing of the Pros & Cons, logistics, timetables, all that fun stuff… but first, they have to win me over. I’m not in a horrible position at all. I’m content with my current situation. Great job, good roommate, good apartment, etc. and moving is a pain the arse as I’m sure most of you know. Again, I have a lot of crap… and chances are, I won’t be able to find a place to store all that crap for a reasonable price in the greater San Francisco area (maybe Oakland). I guess what I’m saying is… there may be a possible yard sale in the Tahoe area if anybody’s interested… but most of my stuff is back in Utah anyway. Sigh… never would’ve thought that I’d be in situations like this just a few years ago. Oh well, life keeps you entertained, I guess. So yeah, interview tomorrow, Bubbles coming this weekend, after that… who knows. Got a call from my stepsister in Dayton last night & I might be going to visit them next weekend to say hi for the holidays. Apparently my oldest nephew is on the 7th grade basketball team now so I may have to show him a few moves and drills that helped me when I was his age. The week after that, I’m heading back to Utah for Christmas. That’s right, Christmas is two weeks away. Hope you did your shopping… and made a lot of macaroni pictures for the family like I did. “It’s a duck!” “That’s great, $teve. I especially like the use of glitter on the water.” Here’s some news…

Vick Update – So… Michael Vick is among the leaders for Most Valuable Player and probably Comeback Player of the Year since he was arresting for the whole dogfighting ring thing a few years back. However, there is no doubt on one popularity contest. He is the leading vote-getter for the Pro Bowl (football’s All-Star game for those who don’t know). Michael Vick leads Pro Bowl voting just a year and a half after he was released from Leavenworth prison. The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback had 729,838 fan votes, nearly 39,000 more than second-place Peyton Manning, the NFL said Wednesday. Manning topped the balloting two weeks ago (but has thrown a career-high 11 interceptions in the past three games). “I think it’s just a credit to everything I’ve tried to accomplish on and off the field, just working as hard as I can to change things around, be a part of the solution and not the problem,” Vick said. “I changed my life and it just goes to show anybody can do it. It’s an unfortunate situation, the things that happened, I wish I could go back and change it all. I wish I could take it all back. The only thing I can do is move forward.” It’s the latest evidence many fans seem willing to forgive Vick for the vicious dogfighting operation that sent him to prison for 18 months—and embrace his stunning return to NFL stardom. A backup to start the season, Vick has led the Eagles to first place in the NFC East, accounting for 21 touchdowns and throwing just two interceptions. “I appreciate my fans, man,” Vick said. “Couldn’t do it without them. Been very supportive over the last three years. What more can you ask for?” Manning had 691,146 votes, which led the AFC, followed by New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (623,074), Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson (591,598) and Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers (547,340). Online Pro Bowl voting ends Dec. 20. The teams are picked by a vote combination from fans, players and coaches. Vick, a three-time Pro Bowler with the Atlanta Falcons, pleaded guilty to federal dogfighting charges in August 2007. He was released from federal custody and conditionally reinstated by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in July 2009. But it wasn’t clear how much interest teams would have in the quarterback who once wowed fans with his unique skills, yet frustrated them with his inconsistency when he last played in the league in 2006. The Eagles signed him before last season, when he was the third-string quarterback and had limited playing time as a change of pace. Even after Philadelphia traded away Donovan McNabb, Vick was expected to back up Kevin Kolb. But when Kolb was hurt in the opener, Vick took over and showed a newfound maturity as a passer. Added to his running skills, he’s made the Eagles a contender at 8-4. The Eagles, averaging 28.7 points per game, are the second-highest scoring team in the league, next to only the New England Patriots at 31.6. “It’s a great honor, a great position to be in right now, because I haven’t made the Pro Bowl yet, but it’s a credit to my coaches, a credit to my teammates, (backups) Mike Kafka, Kevin Kolb, guys who just helped me get through this season,” Vick said. “I can’t do it without my team, I can’t do it without my teammates, I can’t do it without the offensive line, (wide receivers) DeSean (Jackson) and Jeremy (Maclin), can’t do it without them. I’m just thankful to have these guys in my life, these coaches in my life.” Sound like he’s learned his lesson? Redemption!!! Preferably with a Super Bowl win this year… but we’ll see.

Panda Update – I just wanted to share these pictures with everybody… because I’m a nerd. A researcher dressed in a panda costume puts a panda cub into a box before its physical examination at the Hetaoping Research and Conservation Center for the Giant Panda in Wolong National Nature Reserve, Sichuan province last week. The 4-month old cub, the first in the centre to be trained for reintroduction into the wild, is monitored by hidden cameras. Researchers performing physical examinations on the cub wear panda costumes to ensure that the cub's environment is devoid of human influence, according to local media. So yeah, here you go… I won't even start on how creepy that all is & how it's probably not doing much with regards to preparing them for the wild but... in the meantime, enjoy!!!

Other than that, I don’t have a whole lot to share in regards to world news. You know me, I’m simple. I guess… I’d better think about interview question responses or something… but this ain’t my first rodeo so as long as I don’t start the interview by putting them on “fake hold” and singing “The Boy from Ipanema” because I think it’s Bubbles on the phone, then I should be okay. Sigh… f**k me that was a bad day… but at least I can laugh about it now. I wonder if the interviewer feels the same way about that day. Probably not. She probably just wrote me off as a moron… and I can understand that response. First impressions are key, ladies & gentlemen. Then again… there is a football game on tonight too. Decisions, decisions. Well, on that note, I’ll bid you all adieu… have a great evening everybody!!! And if you don’t hear from me before then, a fantastic weekend as well…

Legend of the Fall

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it’s been almost a week… and what a busy week it has been. Let’s see, when last I left you, I was expecting visitors & my prediction of Michael Vick being the MVP of the NFL was a crazy man’s fantasy. Let me catch you up on what has happened since then. First off, unfortunately JL Clyde couldn’t make it out here for the weekend… so Friday I caught up on errands during banker’s hours (vehicle registration, insurance, etc) and then decided that I would spend about an hour at my favorite spot watching the sun set… and catch up with my mom and brother after his stint in jail. Oh… yeah, didn’t give you the details about that one, right? Well, let’s just say that it’s a good thing that I was two states away, they’re not talking to one another (so as usual I’m the mediator), he’s living with my buddy Isaiah for the time being, each time I’ve talked to him since he’s asked me for money (which I don’t have), and he’s pretty much being a douche… but that’s the usual. Anyway, here are some pictures of the sunset during my reflection on my life & current state of things (yes, apparently it’s that time of year again).

That night, I got a text message from Bubbles to go visit in San Francisco… and so the next morning I was there. Why not? I had a feeling it was going to be the last weekend of the fall (and apparently was right because we’re expecting 5-6 FEET of snow this weekend). Besides, I didn’t have any plans really. So we (she, myself & her friend Andy) met up, got some pho (Vietnamese food), a few bottles of wine, watched an episode of “Twin Peaks” which I don’t believe I had ever seen before… but apparently Bubbles said that she thinks of me every time she watches it… probably because she knows how I love cheesy soap opera acting, scene transition & story loopholes. She even tried to convince me that next Halloween we should dress up as Agent Carter (Kyle McLachlan’s character) & Log Lady. After that, we took a walk down to Crissy Fields to watch the sun set… and holy crap, it was just about the most romantic setting ever. Honestly, I couldn’t think of anybody better to share it with either… since you know, I’ve been livin’ la vida solo for a few years now. Anyway, enjoy the pictures…

Here is Andy & Micah

After the sun went down, we all went out to get some sushi in the area known as the Marina (along with a few bottles of warm sake… which is incredibly effective) and then went to a bar called Delaney’s for a few. Needless to say, Bubbles had the guys hanging all over her… but yeah, she was buying ME drinks so… take that bar douches. Witness the Gentleman Doctor. After that, we wanted to dance, dance, dance… and we were wearing all our favorite brands, brands, brands… so we went to Ruby Skye to get our dance on. The thing is… apparently I was the only one that was willing to shake my groove thing… so after about an hour & a few drinks, we headed back kind of early… like midnight, which is odd given some of our epic Vegas nights together.

The next morning, I was up bright & early so I was nominated to walk Brutis & Micah (roommate’s dog) while Bubbles slept in. Apparently she tried to keep up with the big boy drinking wise (since we finally had a DD that wasn’t me) and she forgot that I’m more than twice the body mass that she is. Oh… and I finally got to see her new crib & roommates. Nice place in the Presidio, which is exactly where I would live in San Francisco… because it’s not “city” and the roommates seem cool as hell. After she woke up, we & her roommate Swapna went out to have brunch (of course with mimosas by the pitcher) and had a great time. I had lobster mac & cheese, as well as the world’s driest turkey club sandwich, along with enough champagne with a splash of OJ to… well, apparently put a pair of gorgeous lightweights into a stumbling manner. It’s not every day that a man like myself gets to enjoy a fabulous meal with two beautiful women… and then carry their drunk asses home for nap time. Sigh… don’t judge. I like the fantasy world that I live in.

After that, I took a power nap while the ladies passed the f**k out and then said my goodbyes around sundown (5:30 PM) or rather “when the lights… go doooown… in the city.” I drove back taking the scenic route through the Golden Gate Bridge and was home just before 9 PM. Great weekend. Then again, I always seem to enjoy my time playing with Bubbles (save the day in the ER last July). She knows that I miss hanging out with her… but yeah, we get to meet up every so often and have a lot of fun. She was even going to visit this weekend… except again, we’re expecting 5-6 FEET of precipitation… and I’m pretty sure that Gretchen may have problems, less her Sylvie. Oh well, I’m sure she’ll visit and enjoy this winter wonderland in the near future. Worst-case, we’ll meet up again in Slick City for Christmas drinks.

Let’s see, what happened Monday? Oh yeah, busy busy at work as usual… and the Eagles destroyed the Racists… and Michael Vick is now the leading candidate for MVP (as foretold in the Prophecy) and then I went to bed to try and catch up on sleep missed over the weekend or something.

Tuesday, after work, I was invited on a special tour of the Thunderbird Lodge. Now, I had been so close to the lodge before when I stumbled upon the nude beach one summer stroll… but had I known this place was so amazing, I would’ve visited it much sooner. Basically, it was a lakefront mansion built by a man back in the 1930’s and it is just awesome! There’s a lighthouse, a rustic lodge area, card room overlooking the lake, secret tunnels, a giant fountain (awaiting refurbishment moneys) and is the nation’s only mansion / meeting center preserved on a national park, so any donations are tax deductible (hint hint). There’s also plenty of splendid open areas for receptions, wine socials, dancing, relaxing, and as we did… enjoying a glass of zinfandel at sunset with a wonderful host (the owner) telling us about the colorful history of the Lodge including lions, tigers & ghosts… oh my! Truly an awe-inspiring place. Definitely the kind of place I’m looking to retire to… but yeah, enjoy these pictures of it…

Thunderbird - Powered by two jet engines

After that, I met up with some coworkers for a little team outing at Bowl Incline. I’ve been here almost a full year to the day… and this was the first time that we were able to head out as a team and have a good time because we’ve been so busy (and budget allowed us $10 for two games, shoes & a couple Blue Moon ales). We really needed it too. There was definitely a bit of gruffness coming over the department the past few months with a lot of changes, confusion, challenges, overworked & understaffed… and my guess… probably a little bit to do with the end of summer weather too. Did I mention the 5-6 FEET of snow this weekend? Probably a few times… but it’s kind of important. Anyway, bowling was awesome, we had a great time, I bowled a 153 (followed by 108 when the beers started to kick in & my attention shifted to other things), and it was a great time spent with coworkers. Hopefully the first of many to come!!!

Also, on that note, we took a team photo on Monday… and the first mistake was they wanted me to wear a sweater & a scarf… apparently forgetting that I’m a heterosexual male, so I don’t do scarves. Anyway, I borrowed one… and the pictures turned out pretty well… but apparently I’m not the most photogenic guy in the world… but it REALLY doesn’t help when I apparently work with a bunch of supermodels. Seriously. It’s like an Abercrombie & Fitch ad… where Lurch from the Addams Family kinda stumbled onto the shoot. Oh well, it does make me feel a little sexier knowing that I blended somewhat well in the team photo (just stand out for obvious height reasons).

Anyway, that’s catching you up for the past week or so. Hope you all enjoyed it… and still no New Orleans pictures to share with you… but they’re on their way allegedly. Have a great day everybody!!!

Wave of Killers

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, this weekend was pretty weird. It was bright & sunny Saturday morning, then it’s been torrential rain ever since. Not complaining though, because you know how I love the rain. Even went for a little walk in it… before it got too damn cold for that. Great college & pro football yet again. Did anybody else watch the end of the LSU – Tennessee game and think that LSU is probably the sloppiest f**king team ever? But thanks to a little miscommunication, they ended up getting the win. Eagles lost… and surprisingly, even with a 14-0 deficit in the first quarter, Vick getting injured, Kolb sucking so much that I was afraid it would cause a rip in the time-space continuum, some BS calls by the referees (especially that horse hucky at the end of the half with delay of game), some guy named Torain running all over them, and the home crowd booing them at times… they still only lost it when the ball bounced off Jason Avant’s hands on a Hail Mary pass as time expired. Well, hopefully even if the Eagles suck next week when I go to see them at Candlestick Park, at least we’ll hopefully suck less than the winless 49ers. Wouldn’t be too surprised if coach Mike Singletary lined up on defense for those guys. Anyway, it should be fantastic!!! Let’s see, other than watching football this weekend I… well, I cleaned up the apartment, did some laundry, played some basketball Saturday morning, ugh… watched “She’s Out of My League” thanks to Netflix, and ugh… yeah, that’s pretty much it. Oh, I had some crazy dreams too. Wanna hear about them? Tough… cuz here they come…

Friday night – I was at a hotel. Not entirely sure at what capacity, but I was in a suit & looking good as always. I went to this bar area, sat down at the bar, ordered a drink, and started chatting with this sexy woman next to me (See? Obviously it’s a dream at this point). We’re chit chatting about something (dreams are fuzzy like that) and then we took our drinks out onto the balcony and admired the sunset. It was golden & crimson mostly, with the sun glaring off the ocean in shimmering waves, you know the type… the kind that burn their image into your mind forever. There were even some dolphins jumping in the distance amongst the waves. Perfect. Wait a minute, those look too big to be dolphins. Are those… killer whales jumping up out of the water? Sweet!!! This is the greatest sunset EVER!!! Wow, there’s certainly a lot of them jumping now… and they’re getting awfully close to the shore. HOLY CRAP!!! IT’S AN AMBUSH!!! I kid you not, the water rose up to cover the streets and killer whales just kind slid up and started eating people like they were the runt seals of the pack. The whole bottom floor was now underwater, but luckily we were on the 2nd or 3rd floor, so me, the woman, and a few other people from the bar start heading away from the windows and grabbing sharp objects. You know, like axes in case of fires and bar stools. More blunt than sharp in some cases. The water’s rising up the stairwells, with orcas right behind, so we’re moving upwards… and seriously, looking back it was like one of those REALLY bad SyFy movies… you know, like “Sharktopus” and my personal favorite “Dinocroc vs. Supergator” where these killer whales were like popping in windows and trying to snatch up some dinner. REALLY bad if it were a movie… but it was a dream… and honestly, once it’s made into a SyFy TV movie, perhaps it’ll be prophetic… but yeah, I woke up a few minutes into it because… it was pretty ridiculous, right? Anyway, there was another one…

Last night, there were some pretty amazing thunderstorms going on… like rattle the windows and making the bed shake kind of rolling thunder. How do I know this? The roommate asked me if I had heard them this morning. So that part’s legit. Well, during one of these thunder strikes, I woke up lying face first… and I simply couldn’t move. It felt like I was being held down by the covers or something… and then I heard something like… a growling in my ear. I tried to nonchalantly turn myself over and maybe sneak a peek at what was doing this… but it was no use. So then… I really started to struggle… and it felt like my arms were asleep to begin with… but eventually I whip around and there’s really nothing there, except this darkness that didn’t really form any shape… just kind like the shadow of a cloud or something… and basically with all my struggling and whipping around and swinging at things that aren’t there, my bed is trashed. Sheets, blankets, feather comforters, all thrown about the room. I’m up on the bed, poised in crouching position like I’m a f**king cobra ready to strike… and nothing’s there. By the way, I apparently dozed off back to bed after that… and when I woke up, I was snug as a bug in a rug in my bed… and my room was in perfect order. So my flip-out where I went Jackie Chan on my bedroom didn’t happen. So yeah, I’m basically losing my mind yet again… good times. Anyway, happy birthdays out to K-Fish (even though she’s been giving me the silent treatment for a few months now) and my cousin Ranae back in Denver over the weekend. Hope y’all had a fun time!!! Miss y’all madly. Here’s some news…

Chippendales – Now, I haven’t thought about my days as a Chippendale’s dancer in years… especially since my 26th birthday party in Vegas. Alisa & Filly know what I’m talking about. Anyway, this little story brought back memories. The male erotic dancer company Chippendales stumbled on Friday when an appeals court ruled that it could not trademark the bow tie and shirt cuffs that the men wear. The U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit said in a ruling -- which included a sketch of a fit gentleman shown from the waist up wearing only a bow tie and shirt cuffs -- that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office was correct in refusing to trademark the "Cuffs and Collar" costume. New York-based Chippendales, which filed the original trademark application in 2000, failed to prove that the bow tie and cuffs costume was distinctive, the court said. The court noted that the Chippendales' expert witness acknowledged that the outfit was "inspired" by the Playboy bunny suit, thus stripping the Chippendales' Cuffs & Collar of the distinctiveness needed to get a trademark (yeesh!). The Playboy bunny suit was trademarked in 1964 and expired in 2004, the court said. That costume is shirt cuffs, corset, tie, bunny ears and bunny tail. Hmm… I think I know what my Halloween costume is going to be when I go to New Orleans in a few weeks. Now that I don’t have to worry about trademark infringement… and I’ve got the bowtie and cufflinks… then again, it may not be the best weather for an outfit like that. We shall see. Tough break, guys.

Brazilians Elect Clown as Congressman - Voters the world over complain about having clowns for politicians, but Brazilians embraced the idea on Sunday by sending a real one to Congress with more votes than any other candidate. Francisco Everardo Oliveira Silva, better known by his clown name Tiririca, received more than 1.3 million votes in Sao Paulo state in Brazil's presidential and congressional elections. That was more than double the votes of the second-placed candidate in Brazil's most populous state. I'm NOT joking. This guy, pictured here, is a Brazilian congressman. Tiririca caught the attention of disillusioned voters by asking for their support with the humorous slogan: "It can't get any worse" and a promise to do nothing more in Congress than report back to them on how politicians spend their time. "What does a congressman do? The truth is I don't know, but vote for me and I'll tell you," the 45-year-old said in his campaign advertisements. The clown, whose stage name means "grumpy," usually appears in public wearing a blond wig, a red hat and a garish outfit. He survived a last-minute attempt by public prosecutors to bar him from running because of evidence that he is illiterate (See? My political career isn’t completely ruined because I can’t read no good). His candidacy may not have been as spontaneous or innocent as it might appear. Tiririca's well-financed campaign will help elect other politicians because under Brazil's election rules he can pass his substantial excess votes on to other candidates in his coalition, which includes the ruling Workers' Party. Nice, right? So just to recap, a well-meaning hip hop legend can’t even get on the ballet in a fubar’d country like Haiti… but a Brazilian Bozo the Clown can not only get elected in a landslide by the most populous city in South America… but use those extra votes to help everybody in his extra small car get elected too. I love political loopholes. They’re absolutely amazing and frightening at the same time. I really need to get into politics. It would be quite the adventure… and I would like to think that I could do some good… but at the very least, I’ll make a few people laugh hysterically when my memoirs come out. Can’t wait to read this guy’s memoirs when he… oh yeah, he’s illiterate. Oh well.

On that note, now that you know more about me than you care to… I’ll leave you be. Great Monday Night Football going on tonight… and I get to enjoy the rain for the next few days too. Have a great night everybody!!!

Baby Got Back

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As you can probably tell from yesterday, I had a great weekend back in Utah. Didn't get to spend as much time as I would've liked with everybody, but hey, that's how it goes. You just have to treasure every moment you're with them. My dad felt a little gypped, but he was the one working when I was in town... so we'll just have to make up for it when he flies down for the weekend for the 49ers game. GO EAGLES!!! By the way, saw something on ESPN this morning, and did you know that Michael Vick is the most disliked sports figure in the world? WHY? Did he diss his hometown in the worst way possible? No, LeBron was number 6 on the list. Did he f**k half of the porn industry while his hot Swedish wife raised his kids? No, Tiger was number two. Hell, TO & Ochocinco were #3 & #4 and they're just about as irritating as Jersey Shore. Did he drive drunk and kill a man? No, Dante Stallworth & Leonard Little weren't even mentioned on the list. Did he rape anybody? I don't know what happened when he was in prison for two years... but he's pretty quick, but that's not why he was there. Did he lie, cheat, steal, stab or even so much as get into a bar fight as it seems about once a week somebody in the NFL is doing? Nope. Did he so much as gamble? Well, okay he did kind of finance a dogfighting ring. What was his cardinal sin? He allegedly hurt a few puppies. Will Smith did that on "I Am Legend" and he's making $20 million a flick. So what's my point? No matter what you do in the public limelight... you can rape, murder, manslaughter, steal, whatever... but God help you if you are involved in anything to do with puppies in a negative manner. You will NEVER recover from that. Why? Because they're cute (or at least were before a few matches in the ring). Michael Vick could throw for 5000 yards and run for 2000 more, lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl, save four children and a nun from a burning orphanage, discover the cure to multiple sclerosis, settle the differences between Israel & Palestine, find Bin Ladin & strangle him like the runt of the pack... and he STILL would never be forgiven. He would still be known as that dude. It's kinda f**ked up if you ask me. Then again, you didn't... and you probably don't agree with me. That's cool. To each our own. I'm not saying that he should be the most liked athlete in all of sports, not by any means. What he did is still despicable...but he's served his time, so I've forgiven him. He may not even break the top ten least liked (and that was before he became an Eagle). I don't know, I'm rambling again. Moving on...

My brother is allegedly arriving tomorrow... and he's bringing his friend (who will pay for my food for the month and sleep on the floor and enjoy the favor). They want to go to amusement parks... and luckily, so do I. So one of these weekends, we may be doing a road trip down to San Jose for Great America and the Winchester House. Or there's Six Flag in Vallejo. Or there's Magic Island water park in Sparks. Then again, he has no money, so we may not be doing any of them, because I'm not paying. Period. Anyway, I'm trying to remain optimistic. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. It'll be fun hanging with my brother. There.

Splurging on a Dime – Nowadays, we’re having to get by with less income… but hey, we can learn from others on how to maximize happiness without reaching into our life savings. For example, a homeless man called 911 from the hot tub of a suburban Portland home and asked for three things – clean towels, hot chocolate and a hug. Instead, he was arrested for trespassing. Beaverton police say Mark Eskelsen called 911 from his cell phone (yes, he has a cell phone), identified himself as "the sheriff of Washington County," and asked for medical help. He later admitted he wasn't the sheriff but informed the dispatcher he'd been "yelling for about an hour and a half." The man said in his Sunday morning call that he'd been in the water about 10 hours and his towels had gotten wet (somehow). As he put it, "I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it." The Oregonian newspaper says arriving officers arrested Eskelsen for investigation of second-degree criminal trespass and improper use of 911. Best part of the story – A homeless man was in the hot tub ALL night with not so much as a wink in his direction, yet somebody who pays four digits in rent every month can’t be in a hot tub after 10 PM in Utah (and even then, it’s more of a lukewarm tub). Sorry, Mr. Eskelsen, times are tough… but there is hope. Hugs are just around the corner for you.

Lustful Court - Some residents of Lustful Court in a central Georgia community say they're tired of being kidded and want the street's sin-friendly name changed. Yes, seriously. Bibb County Commissioner Lonzy Edwards brought up a possible name change Tuesday after receiving complaints. Lustful Court resident Michelle Washington says the name sparks laughter and confusion when she tells people where she lives (really?). Yoshonda Patterson says she thinks the name gives people the wrong idea about the neighborhood on the east side of Macon (or does it? Bow chicka bow wow…). After listening to residents, commissioners decided they'll consider the change if neighbors start a petition. The street is in a subdivision and no one could recall where the name originated. My guess (and therefore truth in the folklore of $teve) is that some brilliant subdivision designer or civil engineer who didn’t graduate from the University of South Carolina (GO GAMECOCKS!!!) thought it’d be pretty sweet if at least one street in the great state of Georgia wasn’t named after a peach. However, being an engineer myself, I can see how he would think “If not a peach, then what? Mmm… I could eat a peach for hours… That sweet nectar dripping all over my hands and face as that fuzz tickles my nose and cheek, tongue maneuvering all around the pit, slurping up the juice, moaning in unbound pleasure…” anyway, long story short, after a heated court case eventually it becomes Lustful Court. Frankly, Yoshonda offends me more than Lustful Court… but I guess you can name your baby whatever you want. Freedom of speech and all that. When it comes to street names though, God help you if the street you live on contains the same letters as one of the seven deadly sins. By the way, please don’t tell anybody in Georgia about Cincinnati. “It’s an abomination! It has “sin” TWICE in the name. The Cincinnati Bengals? More like the Sin-Sin-atti DEVILS!!!” And this fantasy concludes with T.O. being crucified… so on second thought, please tell Lonzy and the others in Macon about Cincinnati. My suggestion for the new street name though – Bacon Lane. Why? Who wouldn’t want to tell people they live at 878 Bacon Lane, Macon Georgia? “If not bacon, then what? Mmm… I could eat strips of bacon for hours…”

Low Pants, No Chance - A Baton Rouge Metro Council member wants the parish to support a public awareness campaign against men who wear their pants so low that their boxer shorts show (that rhymed unintentionally). Councilwoman C. Denise Marcelle has a slogan for the campaign: "Low pants, no chance." "I hate to see it and I see so much of it in my district," Marcelle said. "It's disrespectful to the elderly, to young kids and to women." Her resolution, on the agenda for discussion Wednesday, says wearing saggy pants creates negative stereotypes and that "those who wear saggy pants are hurting their chances of becoming employable, educated and productive citizens." Marcelle said she'd like to pass a law allowing police to cite and fine people for wearing saggy pants that expose their underwear, but recognizes that constitutional issues prevent such a law (but that hasn’t stopped lawmakers recently). A public-awareness campaign is the next-best thing to try to get these young men to hitch up their pants, she said. Councilman Rodney "Smokie" Bourgeois and Councilwomen Donna Collins-Lewis and Ronnie Edwards say they support Mercelle's proposal. Then again, one of them answers to “Smokie”. What did “Smokie” have to say? "How are you going to get a job with your pants down around your knees?" Bourgeois asked (possibly adding later that they were looking like a fool with their pants on the ground). However, Councilman Scott Wilson questioned whether young people would pay any attention to the campaign, and said proper dress is something that should be dealt with at home, rather than by the council. The trend may be on its way out anyway, said Doze Y. Butler, professor of apparel, merchandising and textiles at Southern University. Fewer men wore saggy pants last semester on the Baton Rouge campus, she said. And, she noted, she saw a variant — "MC Hammer-type pants — on a study tour to Europe. They're baggy and have low crotches, but the waistlines are high enough to cover underwear, Butler said. "I think it's a trend that's finally moving on," she said. So we’ve heard from Doze, Smokie and a few other of the new generation of dwarves… but what do you think? Do we really need a Fashion Police? Or do the ladies need to just show off a little more cleavage to distract everybody away from some kids’ skid marks? I think you know where I stand.

Big Easy Update – New Orleans is about six weeks away for me… and I can’t wait. Especially after reading stories like this. Police in Louisiana say a woman stripped in the back seat of a cab, demanded the driver take her to her home state of Michigan and when he refused, stole his cab. Sounds intriguing, right? Well, let’s get the details. Covington Police Capt. Jack West told The Times-Picayune that the driver picked up 29-year-old Jennifer Gille of St. Clair Shores, Mich., about 1 a.m. Sunday (so drunk, right?). West says Gille refused to get out when they reached their destination, stripped and demanded the cabbie take her home (I probably would’ve heard that comment differently & would’ve “taken her home”). West said the driver went to a police station for help and when inside, Gille drove off. Police found the cab parked about a block away… and Gille was still naked (“Dear diary, jackpot!!!”). Police booked her on charges of unauthorized use of a movable vehicle and obscenity. She was released from jail late Tuesday on a $75 signature bond. No phone listing for her could be found in either state. What do I know about this story that the article won’t disclose? Jennifer Gille is hot. Probably SMOKIN’ hot. How do I know this? She stole a f**king cab… and was released on a $75 bond. Why? Because she was naked. No charges for grand theft auto, DUI, public indecency, etc. Only unauthorized use of a vehicle (the cabbie didn’t say she could drive… because she was drunk) and obscenity (probably said “F**k yeah” as drove off or something). Now… when I visit New Orleans in six weeks… and I steal a cab… while naked. I will bet you every penny that I will ever see in my lifetime, that I won’t be able to get out of it by pulling $75 out of nature’s pocket and saying “Thanks for getting me home safe & not driving me back to Utah. Go buy yourself something nice. Have you seen my pants?”

Dancing – By the way, not entirely sure why, but the role of the girl in that last story was played by Belle from my Mardi Gras trip last year, basically because I could see her doing something like that. Then I started thinking about us dancing during my visit and blowing her mind with my dance moves (by the way, I was totally drunk) and then I stumbled upon this article. Men hoping to impress women on the dance floor now have science to help them (finally, science can get me laid). A European study has found that men who move their necks and trunks (like my elephant trunk?) more to the beat are most likely to attract women. British and German researchers filmed 19 men, aged 18-35, with a 3-D camera system as they danced to a basic rhythm, and then mapped their movements onto featureless, white (racist?), gender-neutral humanoid characters, or avatars (no, not the blue cat-people things from that one movie). A group of 37 heterosexual women was asked to rate the dance moves of the avatars, which gave no indication of the men's attractiveness, to help identify the key movement areas of the bodies that decided if their dancing was "good" or "bad." "This is the first study to show objectively what differentiates a good dancer from a bad one. Men all over the world will be interested to know what moves they can throw to attract women," said psychologist Dr Nick Neave of Britain's Northumbria University in a statement. The study, which also involved German's University of Gottingen, found that eight movement variables made the difference between a "good" and a "bad" dancer. These were the size of movement of the neck, trunk, left shoulder and wrist, the variability of movement size of the neck, trunk and left wrist, and the speed of movement of the right knee (by the way, I just pictured Michael Jackson displaying all of these for your observation, then grabbing his crotch & squealing). The analysis was concentrated on three body regions: legs including the ankle, hip and knee, the arms with shoulder, elbow and wrist, and the central body with neck and trunk. The study found that female perceptions of good dance quality were influenced most greatly by large and varied movements involving the neck and trunk (of course, only a small percentage of us are blessed with an amazing trunk). The speed of the right knee movements were also important in signaling dance quality. A "good" dancer thus displays larger and more variable movements in relation to bending and twisting movements of their head/neck and torso, and faster bending and twisting movements of their right knee," the researchers said in a report published in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters. Neave and fellow researcher Kristofor McCarty from Northumbria's School of Life Sciences said the study was the first to identify potential biomechanical differences between "good" and "bad" male dancers. Neave said he believed such dance movements may form honest signals of a man's reproductive quality, in terms of health, vigor or strength. He intends to continue research to grasp the implications, but studying dancing in a natural setting is hard as it then also brings in facial attractiveness, height, clothing and socio-economic status. "We now know which area of the body females are looking at when they are making a judgment about male dance attractiveness," he said. "If a man knows what the key moves are, he can get some training and improve his chances of attracting a female through his dance style." McCarty said it did seem that women appear to like and look for the same sort of moves. "From this, we predict that those observations have underlying traits associated with them but further research must be conducted to support such claims," he said. So… okay, is the scientific term for a torso what they’re calling the trunk? Okay, that’s what I thought. So… the key to wooing a woman with dance… is that they’re checking out my torso and my right knee? Thanks scientist. That’s the equivalent of saying that they’re checking out my abs and that veiny protrusion that I call a “trunk” going along my inner thigh to my right knee. Is that really a surprise? Guys do the same thing. We’re checking out the torso, starting with the breasts, down the backside, and a check along the inner thigh to the right knee, just in case we find a trunk. This is where short skirts are appreciated. What was my point? Oh I don’t think I had one again. Just dance, guys. Even if you suck, just have a little confidence in yourself. That’s what girls are gonna be more impressed with anyway… and don’t be afraid to shake your trunk… and do the Humpty Hump…

Humpty Hump Dino Update – Oh yes, my scientific article transitions are flawless. The weird world of dinosaurs has just gotten a tad more bizarre. Scientists found a nearly complete fossil of a new dinosaur that sports a noticeable hump, maybe as possible advertising. The hump on the dinosaur's back, which was at least 16 inches tall, may have been used to help this meat-eating theropod communicate among its own species, scientists theorize (aka pulled out of their ass). Discoverer Francisco Ortega of Spain named it Concavenator corcovatus which means "the hunchback hunter from Cuenca (Soon to be an erotic novel from Dr Love).” Ortega said the hump could have been used to store fat or regulate body temperature, but there is also the distinct possibility that it was used by concavenators to somehow differentiate themselves or communicate with each other. But with only one of these dinos, it's only speculation and is hard to figure out what the humps were meant to convey if they were tools of communication, he said. Paleontologist Paul Sereno at the University of Chicago, who wasn't part of the study, thinks the only conceivable explanation is "an advertising role" because it follows similar pointy fins on other dinosaurs. "It is an ornamental crest that helps to distinguish the individual," Sereno said in an e-mail. "Perhaps it was brightly colored, perhaps it would have been well maintained and large in strong, healthy individuals." If that's the case, the hump could easily have been spotted from afar, Ortega said. "It's really big," Ortega said Wednesday, while possibly rubbing his nipples. "It's very, very impressive." The 20-foot-long, two-footed dinosaur was from about 125 million years ago and was found in Spain, The discovery is reported in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature. It is the most complete skeleton of a meat-eater yet, scientists say. Sereno called it "a spectacular specimen, a very great discovery." This is the only fossil of its type, but Ortega said it's unlikely to be an individual deformity and more likely to be a new type of dinosaur. And the hump is not the only strange feature of concavenator. On its arms it has knobs that seem like proto-feathers, giving more evidence of the connection between early theropods and birds, Ortega said. Because of the lack of scales and likelihood of feathers, Sereno said he would put this creature "at the base of the theropod (meat-eating) branch of the dinosaur family tree." This story goes on to support my claim that… scientists really are just guessing when it comes to dinosaurs. Maybe the hump was used to regulate body temperature (like Dimitrodon). Maybe it was like a crest, used to show ones prowess and for mating selection. Maybe it was brightly colored. Maybe it was used to communicate between others in the species. Maybe it was used to store water for a long trek across the desert. Maybe it was the reptilian equivalent of a badonkadonk & they just unearthed the J-Lo of the Mesozoic Era. Maybe it would inflate and combined with the feathers allowed them to fly. Maybe it was used to tenderize their meat before they ate. Maybe it housed a second brain… and this one picked up radio signals from Pterodactyl satellites. Maybe the bones you found just didn’t fit together and instead of admitting it, you found a new species. Maybe this Quasimodo Rex doesn’t like you singling him (or her) out as a new species, just because he had horrible posture. The possibilities are endless. But hey, I wanted to show you an artist rendering of the new Beyonce-saurus.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Enough of my rambling for one evening. Tomorrow starts the visitation with my brother, so if you don't hear from me in a while... it's probably because we're either having LOTS of fun... or I'm in jail for his mysterious disappearance. Either way, have a great night everybody!!!