Well, sadly I may have to take this particular park off the lunch ride rotation, since I went back there and was slightly unnerved by the open-air sex. For some, spring means riding bicycles, and for others it means scampering off into the woods and enjoying the "down-low" lifestyle. Certainly this is merely one of the many facets of the diversity I so enthusiastically celebrate, but even so I plan to confine my mountainous biking activities to less carnal parks going forward, if only out of consideration for the men whose homophobic culture forces them into the woods to enjoy the company of their fellow men.
Fortunately there are excellent trails to the north of my home that are in easy riding distance, and while they do require taking a longer "lunch," I have yet to encounter any humans humping.
Speaking of carnality, yesterday I embedded a Knog video (that in itself sounds pretty dirty actually), after which I embarked upon my weekly commute to Brooklyn--on an actual big-boy bike, and not a folding bicycle. Knowing I'd be returning to my glamorous villa under cover of darkness, I equipped my bike with some of the lights advertised therein. Here's what I put on the front:
Theoretically this goes on your handlebars but all the cool people put them on their forks so they can lose a finger in the spokes while trying to press the "on" button. The slow blinking mode makes you easily visible, but it's discreet enough so as not to blast oncoming commuters off their bikes when you're going over the Manhattan Bridge. (Although, truth be told, I kind of want to blast most of them off their bikes.) Then, the steady mode throws off a surprising amount of light, which is good because the greenways up in the New York City hill country where I live are pretty dark, and mounted down there on the fork I can actually see the pavement ahead of me.
I mean, sure, it might not be enough light to take you deep into the woods for a hot same-sex rendez-vous, but it will help keep you from crashing into a pothole.
On the back, I sandwiched this between my saddle and my filth prophylactic:
I assume it worked because nobody rammed me from behind and then claimed they didn't see me. [Insert your anonymous woodland sex joke here.]
Anyway, all these lights are USB rechargeable and a pleasure to use [insert your sex toy joke here], and when I think of how far Knog have come since making these things I break out in tears of joy:
(Remember "hipster cysts?" I do, and wistfully.)
And while I've got my amateur bike pornographer hat on, look at how beautifully the saddle Eric "The Chamferer" Murray made for me is aging:
And look at this ridiculous pile of spacers:
And check out this "patina:"
Unscratched frames that fit are for "woosies."
Speaking of Brooklyn, some people (me) say it's becoming a luxury version of Portland for rich douchebags. Nevertheless, there are still deals to be had, since you can now buy The Notorious B.I.G.'s childhood apartment for under a million dollars:
So what do the gentrifiers think about their neighborhood's pop-cultural history?
“I care on a minimal basis,” said freelance filmmaker Hiram Decker, 32, a Clinton Hill resident originally from Michigan. “A lot of people don’t even know about him.”
Hiram Decker keeps it real.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll be so excited you woant evan mind all the tipos, and if you're wrong you'll see a Dutchman telling it like it is.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and be filled with joy.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) Peter Sagan was heavily criticized for grabbing which part of a podium girl during the Tour of Flanders podium ceremony?
--Her posterior
--Her breast
--Her earlobe
--Her vulvanus
("Whaddya mean 'Get out of the water?' I can't even fucking swim now?")
2) After being barred from a swimming race, Lance Armstrong will instead take part in an unsanctioned "sewer rat" competition, which is the aquatic equivalent of an "alleycat."
--True
--False
3) What does the young woman in the Knog video say is sticking to her thighs?
--"Gelati"
--"Angina"
--"July yeast"
--???
(Saudi women are not allowed to wear helments.)
4) Saudi women can now ride bicycles, provided they do it:
--For "entertainment purposes"
--Under cover of darkness
--Sidesaddle
--With an Australian accent and gelati stuck to their thighs
5) Is the London fixie dead?
--Yes
--No
--Maybe
--Arguably it was never alive to begin with
(As far as I can tell, this means oncoming cyclists should dismount and begin humping each other.)
6) In London, more bike lanes means:
--More bike commuters
--Fewer collisions
--Less traffic
--More iPhone thefts
(Could have been worse.)
7) While riding on the Midtown Greenway, a Minneapolis cyclist narrowly avoided:
--A three-foot deep pothole
--An eagle attack
--A molotov cocktail
--Human interaction, thanks to Strava
***Special Pictogram-Themed Bonus Question***
(plus)
(plus)
Equals:
--Paris-Roubaix
--Swordfighting Coldcock Vacation
--E3 Harelbeke
--42
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