Tapes or DVDs?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I hope that you all enjoyed (what you could see) of my first issue storyboard of “RoboPanda vs Zombie Dinosaurs” and don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll all be HUGE fans by the time that the real drawings come through… and I’m thinking that by Christmas 2015 your children will be BEGGING for the new array of toys, videos & bedding sets… but please keep in mind that you can’t put a price on your children’s happiness… and the proceeds go to a worthwhile cause… my retirement fund. Thank you! From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Anyway, back in the present, spent most of the weekend not being sick… but not really exerting myself because the flu is going around & I wasn’t feeling it Friday night after work… which is really disappointing because I missed out on a party for some coworkers that are moving on to other careers. I really wanted to wish them well… but also didn’t want to get anybody sick. Congratulations you two!!! Other than that, I spent the weekend with Dizzy watching football, ironing out details for the comic book, planning the menu for Bacon Day: Part Deux next weekend & just enjoying each other. We also met up with some of her work friends for some drinks at Chevy’s to celebrate a 25^th birthday. Good times were had. I’m sure that all interests you… but I also watched some movies… so here are some reviews.

As you know, I have a soft spot for bad movies. I enjoy watching them sometimes… and I’m always curious about movies that critics completely pan even before seeing them (including myself). So Thursday night, I was going through the movie channels the last few days that I’m going to have TV… and I stumbled upon “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” starring Nicolas Cage. It’s the sequel to the Marvel Comics adaptation of “Ghost Rider” and you may recall it from an early Nicolas Cage update that it had so much going for it in the way of bad movies.

1) It was the sequel to a not-so-good original movie

2) Nicolas Cage desperately needs money… and his recent choices in acting gigs has confirmed it

3) Directed by the team Nevaldine & Taylor who brought you the likes of “Jonah Hex” & both “Crank” movies

4) Originally, the storyline was going to be Ghost Rider vs. Dracula… but that changed

5) Christopher Lambert (“Highlander”) made a cameo

The story goes that there is a mother & child being pursued by the Devil (Ciaran Hinds) and his henchmen (AJ from “Empire Records” no joke) and only the Rider (Cage) can protect them. Why are they being pursued? Well, as he put it in the movie “You’re the Devil’s baby mama…” and the story kinda goes from there. There are a LOT of scenes were it’s a mix of CGI transformations, Nic’s bad end of the “crazy-conflicted” spectrum & the usual death metal score that you get from the Nevaldine-Taylor combo. Now, based on the source material, the movie wasn’t absolutely horrible. The Ghost Rider story is very difficult to tell without a whole lot of CGI & questionable motivation and character development (see “Spawn”) but I wouldn’t really recommend this movie to anybody. Sorry Nic. I wish that I could help with your financial woes… but hey, maybe when RoboPanda takes off I can get you a gig as a voiceover to help.

Next up was the Syfy Channel’s “12 Disasters of Christmas” which stars… well, nobody. I think some of them were on WB series but… yeah, I didn’t really recognize anybody. Anyway, it’s set in small town Oregon I think… and there’s a family (conveniently named Joe, Mary, Peter & Jacey… yes, the daughter is Jacey as in JC, wait for it). There are some strange occurrences going on with birds dying, the water turning red, unusually warm weather, and then giant icicles falling from the sky & impaling people in the streets. Global warming? Possibly… no wait, WRONG! It’s the Mayan Prophecy coming true! By the way, did you know that the Mayans invented the song “12 Days of Christmas” and passed it along through the generations & all kinds of languages as a WARNING of the 12 disasters that would destroy the world? Oh it’s documented… the crazy old guy Frank had a whole wall chart made up connecting it… and there is a lineage of protectors that are direct descendants of Mayans (though now some of the whitest people you’ve ever seen thanks to cross-breeding) and they have to find five golden rings that will help save the world (or at least this small town in Oregon) from destruction by Mother Nature. I assume by calling forth Captain Planet and his magical mullet… but I don’t want to give away the surprise ending. Like most Syfy movies, it’s pretty horrible… but if you’re watching in a group, it’s descent to make fun of. Otherwise, forget that it even exists. Big thanks to The Soup for letting me know of this show’s existence.

Saturday night was actually a surprise. Dizzy & I watched “VHS” which is about a group of misfits who videotape their shenanigans (and crimes) to sell to voyeurs in that black market. Well, one of them hires them to break into a house to steal a particular video from the owners… but when they get to the house, there’s a bunch of them, so they have to cycles through them to find the right one… and what they find is a bunch of twisted sh*t. That’s the story… and basically, the movie is a collection of six horror movie concepts by various directors in the “found footage” genre that really would have been a MAJOR stretch for their own full-length feature… so they combine their 15-20 minute shorts into one film. What I was surprised about this movie… is how genuinely creepy some of them were on a shoe string budget. I was expecting it to be pretty cheesy… and I’ll admit, some of the acting was very questionable… but each story had it’s own redeeming quality & were very interesting ideas… except maybe the main story, but even that had it’s moments were it could’ve worked really well. Anyway, without giving too much away, I would say to check it out & judge for yourself. As a horror fan, I give it two thumbs up… and be warned, there is some gore… but overall, it’s a very decent flick. Check it out! It’s on Netflix!

Lastly was a documentary entitled “Jiro Dreams of Sushi” about Jiro, the world’s premiere 3-Michelin star sushi chef who has been doing the job that he loves for over 70 years. The camera crew follows him through his daily routine, other chefs at his restaurant, his family, his friends, food critics, etc. & paints a portrait of this intriguing man. To boil it down, Jiro is a perfectionist who loves sushi. Every waking moment he’s honing his skills to make perfect sushi… and as the title would imply, even during his non-waking moments, he’s dreaming of it. He accepts nothing but the best in every stage of preparation. He only buys fish from masters of their respective crafts (tuna, shrimp, octopus, etc). His chefs are meticulously trained for decades before he’ll allow them to prepare sushi for his guests (a ten-seat restaurant). Even his sons have been learning from him for over 40 years (youngest went off to start his own sushi restaurant & oldest is waiting for Jiro to retire to take head spot). Is it the borderline-obsessive goal of his entire life? Yeah, pretty much… but you be the judge. The man loves what he does. He’s focused on becoming the master of his craft & to push it to the next level… every day… for over 70 years. Some may say it’s crazy. Perhaps those people are not perfectionists & have not found the Passion that he has. I’d recommend checking out this documentary. It’s very interesting… but be warned… you’ll want to go have sushi during & afterwards… so you may want to watch on a full stomach.

It may also make you wonder about your own situation. For example, I’ve been in an industry for over 12 years now. I’ve essentially mastered my specific craft (hence why I can do so many jobs for the pay of one) but have I been “pushing” the craft forward? There have been instances where I’ll see procedures & improve upon them… share ideas with my colleagues with different sets of circumstances for their office… but am I constantly looking forward at the next step? Or have I grown complacent with my position because it’s easier than looking on to the next step, which would require sacrifices? Is this what I want to do for 70+ years (shiver) or until retirement age anyway? Is it my Passion? Is the fact that I’m even asking these questions convincing proof that it is not? Is there something different out there for me? That I would be more passionate about? Or am I just too level headed to put my all into something & widen my range of talents to be a Jack of all trades kind of person?

The saying goes that if you Love what you do, then you’ll never work a day in your life… or something like that… and there’s a few ways of looking at it. Does that mean that you have to find something that you Love to do? Or is it just on you to Love whatever it is that you’re doing? In either case, I guess the saying still holds true… but let’s face it, most of us would probably find it easier to Love being a movie star than a coal miner. Or I guess in a real world sense, let’s say you enjoy being physically fit… and your current job as a construction worker helps you to do that (as long as you don’t get a hernia). Do you just learn to Love being a construction worker? Study in the evenings & work your way to foreman & push your craft? Or do you study to become a personal trainer so you get that same benefit that you’re looking for, but it’s more recreational & you’re basically the master of your own unique craft?

Now, I’m sure you know by now that I tend to think too much for my own good & ramble incessantly… and of course not everybody’s priorities are the same. Some are focused on raising their children, making money any way possible, just getting by & getting high, cross things off their bucket list, seeing the world, continuing the family legacy, whatever it may be… not becoming yokozuna or a legend of the wood carving community or any other master of their given craft… and that’s perfectly fine. However, I do feel that life needs a little direction with goals to continue to grow & thrive. With that being said, that’s another reason why I’m REALLY excited about this new venture with this comic. I’m not an expert by any means… I’ve read a few back in my childhood… I’ve seen a lot of TV shows & movies… read about other people’s characters basically… but I’m not an artist. I have no official training in storyboarding, plotting, structure, or really ANYTHING related to drawing. Yeah, I won a few Reflections contests back in 2^nd & 3^rd grade… but yeah, that was drawing dinosaurs & weird alien creatures… in the 3^rd grade. So how is this going to work? I’m going to research, study, practice, calibrate, collaborate, peat, re-research, re-study, re-practice, re-calibrate & collaborate some more… and of course, repeat. Am I going to have all the skills? Probably not… but if I surround myself in the right people, use what I’ve learned, along with my own ingenuity & spin on things, then I’ll probably be off to a good start. Anyway, that’s the plan… for now. It’ll definitely change… but I can keep you posted…

I’ll also try to figure out how to get REAL pictures on Blogger again. Apparently the “new & improved” version really isn’t improved… but I’m sure it works for them. Have a great day everybody!!!

Wocka Wocka Wocka

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been a busy week… and pretty rainy… but yeah, I make it work. I’ve started looking at different venues of getting money in addition to my current job… and there are a few that I’m particularly inspired by… but I’m not going to share them just yet as they’re in the rough stages… but yeah, I’m excited about them. And no, I’m not going back into the gigolo game again. Sorry ladies…

Other opportunities in my profession have come up as possibilities… but it would require moving again (possibly several times) so that’s a big drawback… as I really like where I’m at. The Bay Area has been good to me… and I like to think that I’ve been good to it with my random donations of charity via parking tickets, taxes, DMV, and really any other institution that can get it’s grubby hands on money I didn’t even know that I had set aside for philanthropy. Let’s face it… I just won employee of the quarter too, so… my current employer apparently likes me (or knows how to pander to my ego, or both). However, if the current profession is the pinnacle that I can reach here, then perhaps I need to venture into awkward territory again outside of my comfort zone. It’s not like I’m getting offers from the Caribbean, Belize, the south of France or anything like that. It’s more like places where they are kind of begging people to go… like LA, New Orleans, Washington DC and basically places that I don’t really see holding up when compared to the Bay. Still, it’s the situation where I can be content & stay here… or I can be ambitious & go someplace else… but obviously there’s the pros & cons.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Can’t you stay ANYWHERE for more than a year?” Yes… I’ve been here almost two years now… so suck it. You don’t know me. You don’t know my life. I’ll show you ig’nant! Okay, so maybe you do know me… and my life… and maybe I am ig’nant… but still, if you’re not moving forward you’re falling behind… and that’s why I’m focusing on the other things that I can do to get that next step in my free time. Besides, I’ve got a ladyfriend now… and I kinda like her… so that plays a big role too. So growth within my company would 99% require me moving somewhere else… then if I’m lucky, technology will allow me to work from anywhere I choose… but that’s down the line quite a bit… and I think it’d actually be a little bit of a pay cut from what I currently am at… but I could live in a less costly place like Wichita rather than the Presidio. Some beach house in Belize is also an option. There’s also the prospect of moving back to Utah… but yeah, not a necessity. I miss my family, don’t get it twisted… but it’s Utah… and they can come visit me too if they miss me so damn much.

Go back to school? F**k school. That’s my opinion… and my conviction seems to get even stronger with each passing day. Maybe it’s the old man growing inside of me… but I just see it as a waste of money, not necessarily time, but definitely money. I liked the structure of it… but yeah, not sure the “investment” was worth it. Then again, you never know. The concept of progressing through knowledge though, is definitely a great thing. This is where focusing on learning a language or looking into a particular career or learning a new trade would come in. Focus has been the main problem for me for… well, most of my life. I’m not sure if you’ve seen all of the “…” or read any of my rants… but that’s my life. When I can focus on something, I usually do extremely well. Academics, my job, basketball, planning out stuff has usually been pretty good… but coming down to execution is where my focus gets distracted… so I’ll have to work on that. Heck, you’ve seen how often I’m updating this thing now… weekly instead of daily… and I’ll just blame it on all the shinies & other things going on here in the Bay.

Find something I’m passionate about? I like my job. I do it very well (dare I say top 1% of those out there doing it?). Am I passionate about it? I’m passionate about helping my coworkers stay gainfully employed by maximizing revenues, but in the usual big business turn, sometimes they just take what they can get out of me without paying more than they would if I was half-assing & doing enough to just not get fired. Ask my former employer in Tahoe about hiring three people to do my job after I left & still not getting desired results. Then again, if they’d just paid me about 50% more (so less than half what they’re paying now when you throw in benefits) then I might’ve stayed there… but then wouldn’t be privy to Bay livin’ so it all works out for a reason, right? The point is… if I’m passionate about something, it usually works out pretty well… and that can be the key to finding happiness in your career.

So what about this new side venture? First off, it’s perfectly legal. I just want to get that out in the open as I’m openly expressed on this blog some ideas for making money that are high risk-high reward ranging from selling drugs to robbing banks to mercenary work to superhero-for-hire (surprisingly similar to mercenary work) to sex video games to he-whoring and everything in between… but this venture is legit. Here are some other benefits to it:

• Fairly inexpensive to get into, so startup capital isn’t a real issue
• As time consuming as I want it to be
• Appeals to my sense of Creativity, which has been sorely lacking
• Can include family & friends who would be interested
• Can basically work from anywhere
• Tough to turn a serious profit but if done right can bring in some serious coin
• Uses a multitude of my skills & most of my cunning… no, wait… ALL of my cunning
• Even if I hit it REALLY big, Fame is merely optional
• I can still have my current career until I start getting serious dividends
• I don’t have to worry about going to jail
• I don’t have to worry about getting stabbed more than usual
• I probably won’t show up on “Cops” (is that show still on the air or is it reruns?)
• It’s low in saturated fats… but you know I always add bacon

Anyway, so yeah, I’m kind of excited about it… and once I really get into it, I’ll probably share with you what it is… but for copyright purposes, it’s probably just easier that I don’t. If you’re really interested, you can always drop me a line. Other than that, I don’t really have a whole hell of a lot to tell ya. “Dark Knight Rises” is out on Blu-Ray so… you know I’ve watched it again already. It’s such a great movie… yet such an awkwardly bad movie at times too… I really enjoy it though & that’s what matter. Watched it along with “The Avengers” this week in a recap of summer superhero awesomeness. Maybe I’ll get “Amazing Spiderman” soon to package with them but… I’m in no hurry obviously.

This next week, I’ve been invited to a few more special premiers for upcoming Hollywood awesomeness (see “Lincoln” a few weeks ago). On Monday, Batgirl & I are going to see “The Hobbit” a few days before theatrical release… and then on Thursday, a small group of us are going to dress in our swanky 1940’s attire (really just what I wear at the office everyday) for a premiere showing of “Gangster Squad” which I’ve had my reservations about based on the preview… but it has great potential… and you really can’t beat free… unless you include complimentary cocktails, hors d’ouevres, make-overs & do-ups at a pre-party like they did… so yeah, that should be fun.

Well, I guess that’ll be it. I’d better get to some Christmas shopping since I’ll be in Utah in less than two weeks. I can’t wait to see all y’all there. Have a great day everybody!!!

Meat-Less Mondays

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s been a busy couple of days at work…but that’s usually a good sign. It’s also been absolutely gorgeous outside since our snowstorms over the weekend. Spring is right around the corner…and I don’t know about you…but I’m feelin’ it. Can’t wait to start this Road Trip. Speaking of which, my mom & stepdad leave for their trip in the morning…and of course it starts in Bangkok, where it keeps getting crazier and crazier. I’ve already informed my mom to not wear any red shirts, just to be safe. If you wouldn’t mind, say a little prayer for them and all the other people around the world that are traveling to get their culture on…and are in the middle of political craziness.

Today at lunch, I sat down with a coworker of mine, who we’ll call Rose, and we chatted it up a bit. I like Rose. She’s always got a smile on her face and is just the funniest & greatest person you could ever hope to meet. From the first day I came here, she said that she liked my great posture and it made me look so handsome. Of course, from that day on, we’ve been buddies. Well, she recently won a company award for being so damn awesome, so I asked her about the awards dinner that she went to the other night…and she was almost in tears talking about it. Tears of joy…but she just couldn’t believe that so many of her coworkers had great things to say about her…and she was just being herself. As we were chatting about it, another coworker came and sat down…and she wasn’t in the best mood. So Rose cheered her up, much like I do. Ask them what’s wrong, let them vent, make a joke or two, and ended it with “Well, if you need cheering up later, stop by my office. I’ve got M&Ms and Snickers.” Not only that, she left for a second, came back, gave her a Snickers bar in case of emergency tears…and gave me a Snickers too. “Because I know guys don’t cry, I figured I’d just give you this for being a nice guy.” This is why we get along so well. We’re like-hearted people. It’s usually a rare opportunity where we get to officially congratulate somebody on being awesome…but you can always make somebody’s day by doing the little things everyday. A positive attitude & a smile…will not only make your day better…but probably a few dozen people along the course of your day. And it’s appreciated. Even if you don’t hear “Thanks for being such a sweetheart” or “You really made my day” or anything like that, most people appreciate that you’re at least trying to make them feel better, even in professional or anonymous casual settings. So Rose, if you’re out there reading this for some reason, thank you again for being awesome…and congratulations on your award. Other than that, not a whole lot to report on my end…so ugh…yeah, here’s some news…

Bank Robbing Update – I swear that I’m not purposely seeking out these bank robbing stories. There have just been an abundance of them in the news…and I keep tripping over them. It’s not like I’m seeking them out (I save that for Megan Fox & Pandas). Police say a man robbed a Bank of America branch in Portland, Oregon on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. He crashed the car a short time later in a fast-food restaurant (probably Taco Bell) parking lot and fled on foot. The car and dogs belonged to Melanie Davis, who was in the bank during the holdup. She tells The Oregonian the man burst into the bank shouting profanity, said it was a robbery and threatened to shoot those inside if they didn't cooperate (think opening scene of Pulp Fiction). After grabbing the money, he demanded Davis' car keys. The dogs were recovered unharmed (and yapping). Police spokeswoman Detective Mary Wheat says Portland police and the FBI are looking for the robber. That’s a good start. There have really been a LOT of bank robberies this past month, right? I’m not just crazy…at least about this. I think the bank robber may have suffered enough though. Seriously, you just robbed a bank, you’re making a clean getaway, you just got the keys to sweet Jaguar…and you’re like a few hours through the backwoods until you’re in Canada if you so choose. Then as soon as you start the car, you hear this horrible noise. Is it the fan belt? Did a ferret get caught in a vent? Is the CD in the player a recording of tortured Vietnamese schoolchildren? Nope. Even worse. It’s a live Chihuahua in the backseat. Oh sweet Jesus, there’s two of them. Quick, get out of town…and then you can dump them on the side of the road somewhere and they’ll find their way back. Wow, this thing goes a lot faster than my Datsun. Why won’t those things stop yapping? Shut up!!! In nature you wouldn’t even exist. You would be the chew toys of REAL dogs. Stop it!!! Stopitstopitstopitstopit… AAAAGH!!! That’s it. You want some Taco Bell? YOU WANT SOME TACO BELL??? Here’s your f**king Taco Bell. So long, rats!!! CRASH!!! Then he starts to laugh as he makes his getaway on foot…then he hears it in the distance. NOOOO!!! THEY LIIIIVE!!! AAAGH!!! He runs away into the woods never to be seen again. Oh, that’s not how it happened Detective? Well please, feel free to share your story. Does it involve two big freakin’ guys? Where you goin’? NOWHERE!!!

Meat-Less Mondays – I just thought of something. Is PETA’s headquarters in San Francisco? I know there are a lot of hippies and activist types…but I may have to Google that. Anyway, besides approving rules against using plastic grocery bags, mixing recycling with compost, and smoking in sidewalk cafes, San Francisco supervisors have passed a resolution asking residents to observe meatless Mondays. San Francisco supervisors passed the resolution Tuesday for no-meat Mondays in their latest legislative endorsement of healthy, eco-conscious living. It cannot stop the city's residents from eating meat (though I’d like to see it try, just for my own amusement). Instead, it is meant to call attention to the relationship between diet and climate change. To some, the resolution is a welcome reminder of the small part that residents play in solving a larger problem. Others, however, were left asking for Board of Supervisor-Free Fridays. Most shrugged it off as another one of those "only in San Francisco" initiatives that many forget about soon after passage. Not unlike tofu…quickly forgotten after passage…where red meat will stick around and resonate with you for years to come. “Remember that Porterhouse from that place at Union Square a few months ago.” “Remember it? Sh*t, I’ve still got it with me. Man that was a tasty steak.” “A toast…to delicious animals.” That reminds me. The Wingmans will be here in a few days… Now I know where they can get a good steak if desired.

Condors: Remember Them? – For the last few decades, there hasn’t been the allure of the greatly endangered California Condor as say…Pandas. And yes, I take personal responsibility for this phenomenon based on my blog and the invention of Panda Porn. However, we finally have some good news to report concerning the skies of California. For the first time in more than a century, a California condor chick successfully hatched inside a federal park that once was a domain of the endangered species. Biologists at Pinnacles National Monument in Central California celebrated the milestone announced Wednesday in the slow recovery of the birds. But their enthusiasm was tempered because the egg did not belong to any adult birds in the park (What?). A pair of condors there had conceived an egg in March that biologists then took for safekeeping and replaced with a plastic egg. Biologists later discovered the embryo had died seven days into its development. "It wasn't surprising the egg wasn't viable," said Daniel George, manager of the condor program at Pinnacles. "That can happen with first-time breeders." The pair in Pinnacle later hatched an egg that was slipped into their nest after being produced by a pair of condors in the San Diego Wildlife Park captive breeding program (the Van Nuys of the Wild Kingdom, where all kinds of animalistic porn & breeding is produced). The chick emerged from its grapefruit-sized shell on March 24. Its sex will be determined soon with blood tests done when it receives its West Nile Virus vaccine. "It's a good step forward for the program," said biologist Joe Burnett of Ventana Wilderness Society, a partner in the recovery program. Removing new eggs from nests so the gangly birds with nearly 10-foot wingspans don't accidentally destroy them is just part of the tedious recovery effort. Biologists don't want this first generation of new birds to become discouraged if their mating efforts don't pay off (if at first you don’t succeed, try again). "It's a tenuous process because you don't know if they will accept it," George said. "So far all of their instincts seem to be operating properly." Biologists and the public were able to monitor the progress of the birds' 57-day egg-sitting from Scout Peak above the cliff-side nest. Tourists have flocked from as far as Kentucky to see the rare sight, which has not occurred in an area in free view of the public since the recovery program began. Two days before the birth, visitors witnessed the sometimes-comical reaction of the birds as the egg began to move and emit noises. "They'll get up all of the sudden and look at it, then try to reposition it," George said. Hmm, I would think that’s to avoid it from accidentally going over the cliff and splatting across the Sierra Nevadas…but I’m no scientist. In 1982, the last 22 California condors were placed in captive breeding programs. Since then, hunters and lead poisoning from bullets left in carcasses have hampered the recovery of the birds, which currently number 350. Over the past decade, the birds have been released at three sites around California and one in Arizona. Without parents in the wild to teach them safe behavior, some of the newborns have been caught and placed in breeding programs after repeatedly perching on power lines or coming too close to people. The birth announced Wednesday occurred after a male condor released in 2004 at Big Sur and a female released the same year at Pinnacles began exhibiting mating and nesting behavior last year. Condors generally mate for life. So far, the new parents are adapting to life with child. George said they take turns nestling their offspring to keep it warm, just as they did the egg. While one waits, the other forages for food. However, the potential that they could bring back bits of a carcass tainted with lead bullets is a threat to the survival of the youngster. Of the 77 eggs laid in the wild since 2001, 33 lived for at least six months — long enough to fly. If the newest one survives, its wings will grow from their current thumb size to a span of at least 9 1/2 feet. The young condor will live with its parents for a year. The adults will wait two years before producing another egg. "For first-time parents they're doing a good job," George said. So there you go, the condor population has gone from a few dozen to a few hundred in the span of about thirty years. Congratulations scientists. How about one more story from the skies where it’s always sunny?

Eagles Update – Right now in Philadelphia, not too many people want to talk about Eagles. Since they released and/or traded away basically every bit of their heart & soul over the last year, the football team is currently in a position where probably the one player with any professional leadership experience…spent two years in federal prison & lost over $100 million in endorsements for being a part of a few dogs fighting each other. Think about it. Who else? However, that being said, not everything concerning Eagles is horrible, ridiculous & just plain retarded. A pair of Philadelphia Eagles are causing some excitement, but it has nothing to do with football. These bald eagles have beaten high odds and are raising two eaglets in the John Heinz National Wildlife Refuge at Tinicum, near Philadelphia International Airport. Officials say they're the first bald eagles ever to do so on the refuge. Refuge manager Gary Stolz says eagles are normally sensitive to city noise and have been known to abandon nests in urban environments, but this pair seems to not be bothered by the planes overhead (or have just come to the realization that there’s no escaping it). Stolz says the eagles are looking good, stretching their wings and helping out the refuge by eating invasive carp. The eaglets could be flying in about a month. How about that? In our nation’s former capital, a family of majestic bald eagles is proudly perched there to greet visitors at the airport before they visit Independence Hall, the Museum of Contemporary Art, City Hall, the Franklin Institute, Fairmont Park, and all of the other sights that the City of Brotherly Love has to offer. Hmm… I’m thinking another road trip may be in order for next year.

Female Spacesuit – Since we’re talking about chicks in the air, let’s casually move to chicks in space. The latest creation by Japanese fashion designer Tae Ashida is truly out of this world - an outfit twinning a blue cardigan and shorts made for astronaut Naoko Yamazaki. The US space shuttle Discovery blasted off on Monday with Yamazaki and two other female crew on board, bound for the International Space Station (ISS) on a historic mission that put more women in orbit than ever before. Ahead of her departure, Yamazaki, 39, asked Ashida, daughter of fashion guru Jun Ashida, to design her work clothes for the 13-day space mission and she came up with a slim knit cardigan in light blue with navy blue shorts. “As a female designer, I chose a design and color with a sense of grace ... so that she can feel at ease as she carries out a tough mission in a male-dominated, bleak atmosphere,” Ashida said on Wednesday. “It's like a dream come true to see my clothes worn in space,” said Ashida. “I'm looking forward to seeing her wear my design.” Yamazaki also brought a miniature version of the traditional Japanese harp, known as a koto, to the station to play an ensemble with her countryman Soichi Noguchi, who has carried his Japanese flute to the station. Yamazaki asked a Japanese musical instrument factory to make a miniature version of the koto, which usually measures about 1.8 meters, to meet the size limit for her space shuttle cabin luggage. “The sound is quite different from that of an authentic one, but I'm very much looking forward to seeing her play the koto in space,” said instrument maker Kenzo Ogawa, who produced the mini harp. Okay, so honestly, I just wanted to show the picture of this outfit. The legs are just…wow. For me to say that the legs are a little too long…is quite an accomplishment. I prefer the rough sketches of fashion guru & winner Dennis Reynolds. Also, the best thing about space…is nobody can hear you suck at playing a miniature harp. Just throwing that out there…

Dream Job Update – Are you doing your dream job? No? Why not? What is your dream job? Movie star? Professional athlete? Prostitute? Working with kids? Spiritual healer? Superhero? How about photographer for Playboy? Yeah, a lot of people have probably considered that one. They thought it would be all fun and glamour, but when 10 photographers recently gathered for a new reality TV show, they learned there was more to taking pictures of naked women than a good camera lens & thinking about baseball to avoid a “tripod” situation. "Playboy Shootout," which premiered this past Saturday on cable television's subscriber-only Playboy Channel puts the photographers together in tandem with 10 models and each group -- shooters and models -- compete to have their work featured in the legendary men's magazine founded by Hugh Hefner. While perhaps many a young man has dreamed of shooting a nude centerfold for Playboy (shooting pictures, not the model), only few ever make the grade. Playboy editorial director Jimmy Jellinek said the magazine annually gets "thousands and thousands" of submissions from photographers, but it is the rare exception who gets picked. Stephen Wayda, a longtime Playboy photographer and judge on "Shootout," said he tried unsuccessfully for years before finally making it into the magazine's pages and onto a stellar career as a celebrity photographer. "People think it's all fun, sex and glamour. They don't realize when you're doing nudes there's a lot more to it (tehehehe, doing nudes). You see all the body. You see the wrinkles in the waist when (models) turn. You see how the body is built, and you have to make it look good," Wayda said. For "Shootout," Playboy gathered the photographers from around the United States and put them together in Los Angeles. The first episode had them assigned to take pictures of the models in a different area of a luxurious mansion, and they were given a time limit to devise a theme, set lighting, pick a costume and put the models through hair and makeup. A major feature is that the models are competing to be in the magazine, too, and because they are looking for the best pictures possible, they sometimes conflict with the shooters (mmm, catfights…). "I've gained confidence in myself after doing the show, and I realized that having (many) crew members around me didn't distract me," said photographer Eric LaCour. Kate Romero, one of two women among the photographers, said she believed being the same gender as the models helped her because she might be able to say things to calm their fears about posing naked in front of a large crew. "It is a guys' world, definitely," said Romero. "(but) I love that kind of challenge." Wayda said all the photographers came into the show with strong portfolios of past work, and for many the biggest problem was tailoring their own work to match Playboy's pages (no black & whites, no stills of trees & old signs, and none of that modern art crap). Under Hefner, the magazine' has always tried to feature models with a homespun, girl-next-door look (which we all appreciate). "Some came in and said, 'I want to do something completely different,'" Wayda said. "Well, that's great, so go open up your own magazine." The series, which ends on June 5, is produced by "America's Next Top Model" director Claudia Frank and hosted by "The Celebrity Apprentice 2" contender and Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick. A new episode airs every week on Saturdays as part of what Playboy is calling its "Date Night" lineup of shows. There, that’s my plug. Still wanna be a photographer for Playboy? Of course you do. So get the f**k out there & take pictures of your girlfriend…and if you need a second opinion, I’m happy to offer my services.

Fox Update – Superhottie Megan Fox and her sometime boyfriend actor Brian Austin Green are protesting California school budget cuts in a new video online. In a video posted Wednesday on the comic Web site FunnyorDie.com, Fox urges viewers to "call, write and annoy the governor until he cries for his mommy." She says more than $17 billion has been cut from state educational programs over the past two years, and Green says the "terminators in Sacramento" plan to cut another $2.5 billion. State Superintendent of Public Instruction Jack O'Connell said last month that budget cuts have caused a 17% jump in the number of school districts facing financial uncertainty. Fox and Green's 3 1/2-minute video had been viewed more than 66,500 times by Wednesday afternoon…and of course, I saw it. It’s not really that funny (mostly because it’s true) but I say give it a shot. Absolutely worst-case, you get to look at Megan Fox for a few minutes…and I thought the guy referring to Arnie’s childhood was pretty hilarious. It’s something that I would do. I wonder if FunnyorDie.com is hiring. Oh…and of course we have to talk about the issue…which is the funding of schools or lack thereof. How do we tackle this problem? Fill out our census cards? More taxes? Leave pools of blood at the steps of our state’s respective capital buildings? Okay, maybe not that extreme…yet. It is a major problem…and kudos to ravenous superhottie and the guy she convinced to help her out because she’s having sex with him (he’s got a kid too, I know) for taking the fight viral. Write your congressman, governor, representative, whatever. Call them. Camp out in front of their house. F**k their daughter (consensually of course). Do whatever you need to do to be heard. “The children of California need more funding for schools, Governor!!! No more funds going to campaigns!!!” “What areyudooing? Git out of my wife!!!” “She invited me in…and the people will be heard!!!” Sorry for that image…but my governor doesn’t have a daughter…so drastic measures had to be taken. Besides, who doesn’t want to be able to say that they banged a Kennedy? Be the Miracle.

On that note, I’ll wrap this up. Remember to say a little prayer for my mom & stepdad as they go to the other side of the planet to get their culture on…and have a few drinks. It’s okay though…because while they’re trying to find their way back to the boat by playing charades like a bad episode of the Amazing Race, I’ll be enjoying a voyage of my own…and yeah, I’ll probably be a little tipsy for most of it…but I’m also driving everywhere so I’ll be responsible too. At least until I get to Vegas or Utah where I’ll be chilling for a few days at a time. Can’t wait to see y’all. Have a great day everybody!!!

Ripped Like Jesus

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

A record heat wave has hit Denver…making it quite pleasant with temperatures in the mid-70's when normally this is the snowiest month of the year (knock on wood). SO TAKE THAT, LILIE!!! We don't need your stinkin' beaches. Okay, that's a lie. I still plan on visiting in a month…and going to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm and everywhere else. Let's see, what else? Taking care of my taxes later today. I may have spoken a little too early on the whole brother's divorce thing, apparently it's not official…and there was been some interest expressed in working it out by both parties involved. I'm telling you, these two are just insanely hormonal or something. I swear I could track major events & breakups in their relationship for the last…God, over three-and-a-half years now…and I'm pretty sure that I'd find patterns of four weeks for mild eruptions and six months for cataclysmic meltdowns. Maybe it has something to do with the lunar pull…and with the Equinox coming in a few weeks, it's starting to mellow out…but watch out for the Solstice in June. I don't know. I wish them the best in whatever they decide. Obviously I care for both of them…but I understand that some people just don't click together. I really think they do…but what do I know about this stuff? I mean…how long has it been? AH! Change the subject.

Ugh…yesterday, I played some two-on-two basketball for about an hour and then followed it up with an hour-long Spinning class and then some weights. I'm really starting to get my athletic form back when combined with a healthier diet (not Taco Bell & Carl's Jr every other day). I'm not exactly eating raw veggies & tofu or anything…but more homemade stuff and leaner food…and cutting out soda entirely for the past week or so…and who knows, maybe for good. Okay, probably not that…but definitely cutting down on it even more than I have. Luckily, I'm a big fan of juice. If I were really ambitious, I'd say that I'm cutting out alcohol…but that's not going to happen. I just drink for social occasions (P.S. Less than two weeks until St Patty's Day) and even then, moderation. It's just been a long time since I've felt really healthy & was playing basketball every day…and I'm starting to get there again. It's pretty cool. Anyway, here's some news...

No Texting for Lent - Still no soda thus far…but I'm not sure if I could do this one. The bishop of Modena in northern Italy told Catholic youth to give up a popular practice during the holy season of Lent: no text messaging on their mobile phones on Fridays. (Well, maybe if it's just Fridays) No texting will allow young people to "detox from the virtual world and get back in touch with themselves," Monsignor Benito Cocchi was quoted as saying by La Repubblica on Tuesday. Italy ranks second in Europe after Britain for the number of text messages (50 per month on average) by users of the "telefonino" -- Italian for mobile phone. Other bishops picked up Cocchi's message and urged youth in their dioceses of Bari in the south and Pesaro in central Italy to also stop texting on Fridays. More advice on curbing overconsumption during Lent came from Trentino in the northeast where the Catholic faithful were asked to give up driving their cars on Sundays and in Venice to drink water from the tap, instead of from bottles, to help the environment. April 12th is Easter, marking the end of Lent. Oddly enough, the day I'll be getting back from California. Should be a fairly easy task…but don't worry everybody. I'll still be texting…even on Fridays. For example, yesterday, between text conversations with JL Clyde, Filly & Lilie, I texted approximately 60 messages and received just as many. And no, I don't twitter. I only update my status on Facebook every week or so. By the way, is anybody else all of a sudden craving gelato after reading this story?

Kitty Bong - An Omaha man who tried to cool out his hyper cat by stuffing her into a boxlike homemade bong faces cruelty charges...and catcalls from animal lovers. Lancaster County sheriff's deputies responding to a domestic disturbance call Sunday alleged they saw 20-year-old Acea Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to a duct-taped, plastic glass box in which the cat had been stuffed. Sgt. Andy Stebbing said, "This cat was just dazed. She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society." Schomaker told deputies 6-month-old Shadow was hyper and he was trying to calm her down. The contraption she had been stuffed inside was 12 inches by 6 inches (yes, that's an actual picture of it). Shadow was timid but in good condition Monday at the Capital Humane Society, executive director Bob Downey (not Robert Downey) said. Schomaker, who was released from jail after paying a $400 fine on the arrest warrant, faces drug and misdemeanor animal cruelty charges. Having worked with people from Omaha for many years, this doesn't surprise me (glad you escaped Jewels) but still, this is just a messed-up story. Then again, I'm sure that somebody out there read this story and said, "So wait, if we make the hot box smaller…then we'll be super chill. Smokey, get me some duct tape, a fish tank, some funjuns and a snorkel. I've got an idea." That's what we call a MacGyver smoker. Oh yeah…and Mr. Schomaker should be neutered so that he can't reproduce. It's justice in my opinion.

Panda Update - A Thai zoo has again resorted to artificial insemination of its giant pandas after pornography, low-carb diets and even a spell out in the cold failed to inspire the celibate pair. Chiang Mai zoo's star residents, nine-year-old Chuang Chuang and his eight-year-old partner Lin Hui, have showed no interest in reproducing the traditional way since they arrived on a 10-year loan from China in 2003. But determined zoo officials, despite failing in a previous attempt at sperm donation two years ago, said they were hopeful a second try could finally produce a cub. "The artificial insemination was successfully conducted on February 18 at 1:30 pm, which was the most suitable time for successful reproduction," Sophon Dumnui, the head of the team behind the attempt, said in a statement. The zoo must now wait up to three months to find out if the method has worked. Hopes were first raised among zoo officials this year when cold weather in the northern city in January prompted an unusually frisky response from Lin Hui. Authorities took the pair out of their usual climate-controlled environment in the hope that the chilly climes would provoke a steamy response during the pandas' mating season. Lin Hui was first artificially inseminated with semen from her companion in April 2007, but it didn't take. The previous year Chuang Chuang, who had been deemed too heavy to mate with Lin Hui, lost seven kilograms (15 pounds) on a low-carbohydrate diet, and was then shown 15-minute video clips of successful panda couplings…but the panda porn (which I still firmly believe I am responsible for) did little to inspire. Giant pandas, notorious for their low sex drive, are among the world's most endangered animals. Maybe Chuang Chuang's having a problem with the pressure of an entire species resting on his…shoulders? Hmm, maybe they should change their names…like we talked about yesterday with the vegetables and lazy eyes. Maybe if they were named Schwing Schwing & Lin Ho or something drastic like Lo Dong & Mei So Ho Ni or something, it's just crazy enough to work. No need to thank me (like you forgot to do with the panda porn thing), just pay it forward…and make some panda babies. Have you tried playing some Barry White or Marvin Gaye? I've heard that Asian stuff with sitars and whatever…and it's not quite the same ambience. All I'm saying is…offer me a job in China (or even the San Diego Zoo or any with pandas occupying them) and I will at LEAST double your panda population within five years. If there's one thing I can do…it's set the mood for babymaking of any species. I'm on Monster.com so let me know when I can start. I'm not cheap…but I'm effective.

That concludes today's episode. Join us next time when I ramble on about this & that, throw in a poop joke or two and entertain myself…and hopefully others. Fingers crossed for a big tax return. I could sure use that cash right about now…especially with the trip to Cali in (drum roll) four weeks. Can't wait to get some of that Cali sun. Oh wait, I've got the sun right here…because it's 70 right now. Maybe I just need to get out of work before sunset. Hopefully this'll carry over into the weekend so I can have some fun running around the park or flying a kite or something. Don't judge me. Flying a kite is fun…and I know you're super jealous…because there's ALWAYS a steady wind here in the Mile High City. Have a great day everybody!!! Go fly a kite if you can!!!