BSNYC Friday Yoga Class!

Are you one of those people who's dismayed that most Americans can't seem to wrap their minds around the concept of the bicycle as transportation? Do you find yourself smugly cursing your neighbors for their foolish fossil fuel-burning ways as you stroll the aisles of your local food co-op? Do you continue along this line of thought outside the co-op as you fill the trunk of your own car with organic groceries, which you'd ordinarily "portage" by bike, except for that it was raining, and you had to drop your child off at Montessori school this morning, and also you don't actually own a bike but you're totally going to buy one any day now?

Well, all of that's about to change, and in a matter of days everybody in Canada's Understudy is going to abandon their cars and embrace the bicycle like a long-lost sibling. That's because the Oregon Manifest begins this weekend, and America's top bicycle fabricators are going to perfect the utility bike:

BIKE CRAFT. DESIGN. INNOVATION. from oregon manifest on Vimeo.

Yes, it's Portland to the rescue, and once again they're going to show us what's wrong with everything. Now, I have no doubt that these extraordinarily talented framebuilders are going to construct some remarkable machines, but I also think the notion that you're going to coax non-cyclists out of their cars and onto bicycles by designing the perfect utility bike is about as naive as thinking you can turn homosexual men into heterosexuals by designing the perfect vagina. There are a lot of bikes (and vaginas) out there, and if you've tried a bunch but haven't found one that you like then it could just be that they're not for you.

Of course, one thing that might get more non-cyclists onto bikes would be if our laws and infrastructure didn't treat cyclists like fleas, and hopefully one day we can all live in a place where we're free to use whatever vehicle (or set of genitals) we see fit without fear of discrimination. To that end, I suppose Portland is as close as America gets to having its own artisanal bicycle-friendly utopia, though perhaps one day Rabbit Island will outdo it:

A number of people have informed me of Rabbit Island in the past few weeks, and inasmuch as it was purchased on Craigslist, funded by Kickstarter, and is being build by tools from Best Made Co., it promises to one day emerge as the Alexandria of Douche--either that, or as some sort of artisanal Jonestown where the inhabitants commit mass suicide by designer axe.

Apparently, Rabbit Island will be the home of some sort of "Artist Residency," complete with a natural amphitheater formed by an uprooted tree:


Here, you can not only take in a show, but also get a severe case of poison oak on your "taint:"

In the future we imagine this place to be a stage for the performing arts. Future artists-in-residence— choreographers, playwrights, musicians, theater performers, dance troupes, puppeteers, etc. will utilize the amphitheater for performances and concerts, developing their production in the nearby treehouse studio.

I have no idea if they're serious about the amphitheater or if this is just artisanally pretentious woodsman humor, but either way this natural amphitheater looks like the ideal place to relax with a glass of wine and watch a woodchuck masturbate. I also hear it's going to be the first stop on Letle Viride's world tour:

Just bring a lighter to wave in the air, as well as plenty of Tecnu.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then that's just fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see "mad tricks."

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride often.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

("No, I said 'hold the mayo'...")

1) Western civilization is in the midst of a ___________________:

--"Condiment revolution"
--"Condom mint revolution"
--"Cauliflower resolution"
--Period of unprecedented mustard abuse






2) "Hold yer ____!"

--Line

--Phone

--Tan line

--Mayo

3) This bicycle is a:

--Colnago
--Polnago
--Holnago
--Golnalgo

(Body by Bard.)

4) In 2011 New York, having some old bikes in your apartment makes you a:

--"Collector"

--"Curator"

--"Archivist"

--All of the above

5) Some cyclists really are assholes.

--True

--False

6) Some bikes really do deserve a good flogging.

--True
--False

(Your local bike shop: outfitting the next generation of Freds.)

7) When visiting your LBS, keep your eyes peeled for:

--Last year's closeout specials

--Next year's crabon superbikes

--Falling tubs of Cytomax

--Speeding cars

***Special Dutch Bike-Themed Bonus Question***

All Dutch bikes are slow.

--True

--False